I have posted before about a friend’s son who received $200 per week in allowance for which he had no responsibilities. That was waaaay too much money and he quickly became known as the guy who got the weed. In doing so, he had interactions with some not very nice people. This was a very, very bad thing. That is entirely too much of an allowance for someone who has t had to mix freedom and lack of responsibility with a large amount of cash.
“I am also thinking about paying for A’s.”
I’d recommend not doing this. He should be striving because he wants to do well not for $$."
"Do not pay for A’s, it sets up a really bad precedent! You can’t bribe your kid; the ante will keep going up. "
That was my thinking for the past 18 years with him. Do well for the pleasure of it.
Plus, I would rather have seen a hard earned B from my kids any day, than an easy A.
I always stressed it was the effort I cared about, NOT the grade.
Well, that ship sailed this week …
First, my son had told me before he left that he was going to be happy getting B’s and not kill himself getting A’s.
Second, I paid my way through college with loans and jobs.
And I was a lot more appreciative of my education than he now appears to be.
I did not party, and when I went out, it was for 2 hours a week.
Third, I can describe the color of the sea to him …what’s it like to owe student loans for nine years, but he won’t get it.
Fourth, this is my husband’s idea… so, I am willing to try it, as obviously i have been steering this ship all wrong.
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$30 a day is too much?
Well, I thought the money would be saved… so he could buy clothes, shoes, haircut, etc in the future.
He is near a big city, it is expensive.
Also, I had Uber, Itunes on my credit card, and took that off, so it is going on his card now.
i thought he would save some money each week to put towards the above items.
If he spends it, then I guess he won’t have any new stuff.
That’s what I am thinking… Or you all think he is going to blow the cash?
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"I’m going to try and talk you off the ledge. You go ahead and write that letter and then burn it. Delete it, tear it up. DO NOT SEND! Firstly, he won’t read it. "
My husband said he wouldn’t read it either. Ok… I won’t send it then. It was 2 pages long…
Full of stuff about what I had done for him every year growing up…
And how the road could go both ways if he didn’t want to see me.
So, maybe a brief email with new allowance is all i will send.
“Communication. A few years ago there was a “mothers of sons” thread. Boys/young men often do not communicate.”
Good to hear that again…
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thought he would save some money each week to put towards the above items.
If he spends it, then I guess he won’t have any new stuff.
That’s what I am thinking… Or you all think he is going to blow the cash?
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He’s going to blow the cash as soon as you deposit it. He likely has established himself as “the kid with money to buy everyone’s beer”…and that’s brought him some sort of populalarity.
Please take your feelings of abandonment out of it for a moment. …
Do you think he’s in trouble? Is there a problem? Is that a concern for you?
Is this unprecedented, unimaginable behavior from him?
My kid gets $200 to $250 per MONTH max. That covers two hair cuts for my son per month, incidentals, pizza money, fast food, shampoo, deodorant, his 10 boxes of Kelloggs (his idea-$25), milk, dorm pranks, etc. He eats mostly on campus. Why would your son need $800 per month??? You are funding the dorm.
DD gets a little more ($300) because she has a car on campus and has an internship off campus. She lives off campus and uses this money for food as well.
If there are lab fees on their bill, I pay it directly online.
As the mother of a S and a D I totally get the non-communication from the S. D calls all the time. S rarely. And I confess to “stalking/monitoring” him via his debit card and social media. Proof he was alive! You do need to give them space. Still, blocking your calls is a bit beyond the pale. Asking for a short call once a week is NOT unreasonable. As for expenditures, set a budget. The occasional indulgence is fine, but you are not a cash machine and I presume he has a meal plan.
Are any of his friends from HS at the same college/university? Did you meet the roommate(s) at move-in? Do you know name/email of his RA in the event of extreme emergency/concern? Regarding parents weekend, I would insist on going. You don’t have to spend every minute with him, but at the very least you and your husband should have one meal with him. That’s not asking too much. Let him pick the meal. Breakfast, lunch or dinner.
I would also ask for a periodic update on how classes are going. I believe he can give you access to grades if he wants, but we never insisted on that. So long as he is hitting whatever mark that is required to retain any financial aid, that’s a good thing. If he’s got a concern about grades/classes that’s normal. He’s not in HS any more … Don’t set unrealistic expectations (i.e. mostly As)
Bottom line: freshman year can be bumpy. So far, sophomore year feels smoother for what it’s worth.
I am sorry you are going through this. It does sound awful.
Go to parents weekend because all of the parents will be there,
and he’ll look like a “loser” trying to attach himself to someone. You’re going for info about the “university”. He doesn’t need to be with you all day. The other kids will have Mom and Dad take them out for a fancy dinner and to carry in supplies (Pepsi, water, gatorade, chips, etc.)
"YOU DO REALIZE that you were paying for “rounds” or “pitchers” or “kegs” that everyone else was drinking…right?
Yes. I do realize that. I think he was buying the liquor to fit in with the older kids. To be liked.
"If you think you have raised him right, then you shouldn’t worry. They know good from bad. You’re not giving him a chance to breathe. He needs to feel out his environment. He’ll come around once quiet time for midterms and finals comes around.
“Consider if you are concerned about mental health or if you think he may be getting derailed from school work by drinking. or is he just trying to establish some space. Then try and respond to what you perceive is the level of the problem.”
Good question! And this is it in a nutshell.
I am worried about his grades. Midterms are around the corner, a blink of an eye. He has an activity on campus
( would rather not say to protect his privacy ) that also eats up most of his free time, so coupled that with his new found freedom of hanging out and drinking, I am afraid that he is going to blow it as he will fall behind in his studies.
This school is harder than his high school, and the work will move faster, the tests will be harder.
And I am not there reminding him every day. ( well, bc he won’t respond to me) about studying.
If I knew he was going to just buckle down and work hard
(and quite frankly and this might sound strange…
but I don’t care about him going out, and hanging out with a bunch of drunk guys
I thought the point of a college education was to get a good education)
and be serious, then I wouldn’t need to speak to him until Xmas.
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Why would your son need $800 per month??? You are funding the dorm.
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right, mom is paying for everyone’s beer.
One haircut every 6 weeks, a few pieces of clothing, and toiletries would be about $200 a month max.
I am very bothered by the, “don’t come to parents weekend” demand. What is that about?
- Take a deep breath and de-escalate.
- Don't turn off the phone. Communicating will be much more difficult without a phone.
- Don't send emails. College kids don't use email. I used to send my kids emails offering cash awards if they responde to my emails. I never had to pay once.
- Don't call. College kids don't talk on the phone.
- If you want to know he's alive, send a text saying you'll have to file a missing person report with the police if you don't get a text within 12 hours. I do it all the time with my unresponsive kids. At 11:59 you'll get a text that says "I'm alive."
- Put him on a weekly or monthly budget. If he runs out, he won't starve or become homeless (since the dorm and meal plan are paid for). So you actually have perfect conditions for some life lesson-ing in budgeting and responsibility. That's what college is for
- Set up/require a weekly call. Skype or Facetime is better than just a phone call. Other than that, don't expect or require any further communication.
You are only 2 weeks into this. It is a learning and adjustment process for both of you.
Is your son rushing a fraternity ? I’d be concerned about the possibility of hazing. I realize he’s trying to exert his independence and distance himself from you, but if he’s acting completely different from before and drinking that much, I’d be concerned.
I have 3 sons, 2 now in college, and one college grad. (and a D in grad school).
My first thought–considering what is, to me, a large amount of money spent in one week (and not on books) by someone who wasn’t a spender in the past, and hostility toward parent from kid who had a close relationship/lots of communication last year—was “Drugs?”
You said he went out or to town/beer money. Really? Was he buying for everyone? (And isn’t he underage?) Could other students be taking advantage of him? Or is he trying to impress a girl?
Could it be a mental health issue?
We talk to/text our college sons about once or twice a week. They are not super talkative and don’t spend a lot of time with us when they are at home. They are polite and answer anything we ask, but they don’t really chat with us much. However, they do promptly answer texts or calls or any questions about finances when they are at college. We did once have an issue with not being able to contact our D–and we called security at her college to check on her.
If it were my son, with such a change in behavior I’d be worried about drug/mental health issues. If he refused to communicate with me, I might have to go there to make sure he is OK. I also think $30/day is way WAY too much for spending money. I would definitely cut that back. $30 per WEEK is plenty if he already has meals covered. Text him your concerns. I wouldn’t turn off the phone, but I would turn off the money. Good luck–I hope it is nothing serious.
" Did you meet the roommate(s) at move-in? "
Roommate is also in the same activity as my son ( rather not say to protect his privacy).
And, roommate seems to be partaking in same partying as my son.
“Is your son rushing a fraternity?”
No. But,he is hanging with upper classmen.
“I would also ask for a periodic update on how classes are going. I believe he can give you access to grades if he wants, but we never insisted on that”
I asked admissions before school started about reporting of grades. And was told that it was not reported.
That was shocking.
@collegemom9999 - Our rule with our kids regarding grades is, show us your grades and we’ll make the tuition payment for the next semester. I trust my kids but I expect them to do their best (not asking for straight As just for their best efforts) and I do expect accountability for the tuition money and R&B I spend. Not unreasonable.
My first thought–considering what is, to me, a large amount of money spent in one week (and not on books) by someone who wasn’t a spender in the past, and hostility toward parent from kid who had a close relationship/lots of communication last year—was “Drugs?”
It’s not drugs. I am 100% sure on that.
“Or is he trying to impress a girl?”
I would say the girls, most definitely, and the upper classman.
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Ok, so $200 a week is too much for an allowance. He is on a food plan, but will be away for some weekends for his school, and I had wanted him to have some spare money, but it sounds like I am giving too much.
It’s good I got on CC before I wrote that email.
When my child is away on the weekends for school, the sponsoring activity pays for meals and board. The activity keeps them so busy that a need for spare money is rare.
Since he is both underage, and can get punished by his college for underage drinking, and you are concerned about his partying instead of studying…
he should have NO extra cash for the time being. jmho.
When my child is away on the weekends for school, the sponsoring activity pays for meals and board. The activity keeps them so busy that a need for spare money is rare.
It depends on the school.
You are given a food allowance for each meal and that $ amount varies by school
Sometimes, you go to Subway, well a lot of the time, and sometimes a meal is at whole foods.
Yes, flights and board are paid for by the school.
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“Is your son rushing a fraternity?”
No. But,he is hanging with upper classmen.
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No surprise…and he’s been identified as a cash cow for their booze needs.
Were you aware of him drinking in high school?