Need advice please from parents of college boys.

Parent Cafe
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I’m assuming son’s books are free, as a D1 athlete.

Re: athletic tutoring, @imwiththeband has set forth some great suggestions, and as an insider, he/she surely knows about this.

My question to @imwiththeband: our experience with two colleges with the athletic tutoring was, sadly, substandard for a lot of reasons I’m not going to go into - but most particularly in the math areas as students got into the higher math subjects. Has it been your experience that for the (probably, relatively few) D1 athletes who are taking higher math subjects (calc 3, diff eq, linear algebra and beyond), it is better to find a private, experienced, non-student, AVAILABLE-at-odd-hours tutor to keep them up with missed classes? That was 100% our experience, but I’m sure it varies greatly from school to school.

Regarding tutoring at all, I think it’s really something the athlete has to agree to do. You can’t push it on him if he just refuses (and yes, he will learn the hard way if his grades are bad). One of my kids was at a college where the culture on his team that particular year was to pooh-pooh anyone who needed a tutor, and this did not end well for some of the athletes who needed it, and were ultimately ineligible to play due to grades. Hopefully, your coach is keeping a close eye on the kids’ grades. Not all of them do. That said, you have to leave this to your son, and just brace yourself for the worst, perhaps a bad grade or two this semester. If that happens, don’t overreact, it’s just one semester and the lesson learned (i.e., get help when you need it) will last a lifetime.

The biggest pushback we faced re: tutors was that kids come back from their trips really, really tired and facing a mountain of work they have to catch up on. They think: “hmmm…I can go see my tutor/professor/peers and spend some time catching up on all this … OR, I can spend those few extra hours SLEEPING and just wing it on my own.” For some kids, it takes the bad experience of trying to wing it - and getting bad grades (or worse) to realize that they do need to carve out a few hours getting some extra formalized instruction via tutor/office hours, etc.

I am in the camp of people here who think your son will figure this out on his own. Believe me, he has been well informed of all of the academic assistance available to him as an athlete, and if he is unwilling to avail himself of it, you hounding him about it will not change that.

I really like your attitude, OP! Please stop worrying about things you CANNOT change. Enjoy the ride! I am all about academics too, but I also think that these young people are only young once, and these opportunities only come once. Not everyone can play a D1 sport. This is an honor and a privilege that will give your son memories and experiences that will last a lifetime. Employers LOVE athletes; there is value to this beyond a gpa if he can survive it.

Stay out of his way! Follow his lead and support him. His ride will end all too soon, for all kinds of possible reasons: he will graduate, there could be injuries, and yes, there could be academic (or other) ineligibility. Is this a reason for him not to “go for it?” NO!!! Sure there could be regrets, but these need to be HIS regrets. Last thing you want is for him to think back on all this and remember how YOU tried to interfere.

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OP - I give you credit for coming here and asking for advice. I 100% understand where you are coming from . My son was very similar, made a lot of poor decisions; signed up for the wrong classes, did not seek help when he needed it, spent his money foolishly, etc. Unlike the suggestions from a number of parents here, I did not say nothing, because the consequences were huge. I was gentle in my suggestions, but I did indeed make suggestions (“A 300 level Art History Class might be a little challenging your first semester given you know nothing about art.”) All common sense advice that was not taken.

It should not be taboo to give advice to your son. Even as adults, we need advice. Of course, whacking him with the oar won’t work, and you know that now. And if he isn’t open to the advice, it won’t be accepted. I am on board with how hard it is to just sit back. At this point, though, just being there is all you really can do. Go to his sporting events, be positive, remind him you are proud of all he is accomplishing, and send a care package every now and then for no reason other than you want him to know you are there for him.

I would not suggest demanding a weekly call. He seems willing to call without that. Let it go and see what happens. Keep the conversations light, no chiding, no advice at this point. Things need to settle down, he needs to get the primary message that you are there to love and support him.

And for what it’s worth, my daughter is a D3 freshman athlete, and an excellent student. She is in a STEM field. She loves her school and her teammates, but is finding it very challenging to manage the coursework and athletics. She is getting it done, but doesn’t have a lot of spare time. I’m sure as a nationally ranked D1 athlete, it is that much harder.

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OP, you are concerned that if you pay for a tutor now you are setting yourself up to pay for one forever because the math will always be a bit beyond him. I don’t think that is necessarily the case. Adjusting to college + playing a sport is a HUGE adjustment in so many ways. Think of the tutor as training wheels – Extra support while he gets his bearings and figures out how to study, how to learn at the college level, what the heck to even ask at TA or a prof in office hours, etc… Going to office hours is very intimidating for kids who have never needed a tutor or really had any issues academically in school … they have no idea what to even ask, or where to even begin the conversation. This is especially true if they feel like they are basically doing okay on homeworks, but then are having trouble on tests (which is common) … how do I go ask a prof for help when I think I am doing okay? And if there is a language issue (e.g., prof or TA is hard to understand), it is even more intimidating. We paid for a tutor for my DS for his 2nd semester after he had a very difficult and not very good first semester … he was a tutor that could help in multiple subjects as needed. DS met with him once a week. He found it helpful, but when I asked if he wanted to get a tutor this semester, he said, “No, I feel like I know better now how to learn and how to use office hours, I think I’ll be okay.” And, so far, so good. He’s actually figured out that he doesn’t have to go to his prof’s office hours if he has trouble understanding his prof … he can go to any of the profs or TAs that teach his class. And that’s what he’s been doing. I found that impressive, from a kid who resisted going to office hours at all his first semester. They do grow and change and figure things out. The tutor might just provide some extra cushion/comfort/accountability during this time of enormous change.

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OP, I’m having trouble following your posts because so many comments from various posters are jammed together. It would help if you separate quotes.

(QUOTE)Put the paragraphs you want to quote in brackets but use the ones that look like this. It will be easier for everyone to follow the conversation. When you post, it will look like the following paragraph:(/QUOTE)

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^That

Please quote following those directions instead of using " ".

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“I’m assuming son’s books are free, as a D1 athlete”

Your assumption is wrong. MOST D1 athletes do not have full ride scholarships. There are 2 men’s and 4 women’s sports that do (and football only at the highest level if the school so chooses), and a few others that have enough scholarships (hockey, women’s crew) that most students have almost a free education with tuition, room and board, books and fees. MOST get what they get - 25% of tuition, just books (that’s the minimum), tuition but no other costs, $10,000, etc. - whatever the coach chooses to give the athlete. Most sports are splitting scholarships among an entire team, so if you get 25% you are happy, especially as a freshman. Some coaches split all the scholarships evenly, some evenly among the class year, some give 100% to an outstanding player and nothing to the others. I know D1 athletes who are getting about $5000 at schools that cost $70k.

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@kollegekid1 << From personal experience I spent well over $500 a week in both HS and college on food, drinks, and partying. I had friends who got by on $20. Maybe I missed something in the 22 pages of comments I did not have time to read. Sorry about that. But I really think the RAs would be easy to contact and find out some info without having to invade on the kid’s privacy. >>>>

You’re a junior in college.

Are you saying that your parents have provided you $150,000 over the last 6+ years to spend on personal spending???

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@twoinanddone, you are correct; we don’t know the son’s sport, but free books can be awarded even with a partial scholarship, at least in D1 (baseball comes to mind).

But, it’s not in OP’s interests to clarify this because she does not want to “out” her son’s sport (I don’t blame her), so it’s probably best that she not fill us in on his book situation.

Anyway, whether or not his books are free doesn’t impact the great advice she’s getting. I wonder if she and dad decided to go watch son this weekend?

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You have to put the square bracket on either side of each word. So like this, but take out the spaces after the first bracket in both cases:

[ quote]
[ /quote]

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If you want to quote someone do something like this

(quote) This is someone else’s words. (/quote)

except instead of parentheses use square brackets . Brackets are these symbols: [ ]

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@prospect1 When we have athletes who are taking higher levels of math and science, private tutors are available. The Athletic Department has several they highly recommend. Furthermore, at a research university , there are a number of ABDs ( all but dissertation) who are available. Doesn’t seem to vary across universities. If the athlete is taking organic chem, calc III, etc, private tutor.

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The above was done with the following:

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@prospect1, the coaches can give any amount up to their full number of scholarships in equivalency sports to any player, including books if that’s what the coach wants to do. For some reason everyone thinks that all D1 players are getting full scholarships covering everything and that just isn’t true. Many are getting much less. Some on our team get 1/4 or 1/6, not enough to cover tuition never mind books. The ‘pot’ that the coach has to dole out is 9.9 X (tuition, fees, books, r&b) if the school fully funds the team), but usually the coaches just give out a certain percentage or dollar amount, and at least at our school it goes first to tuition and R&B, then if anything is left over (nope) to books. No one on DD’s team is even getting enough to cover half of tuition.

On a D1 swim team, track team, baseball, etc, those scholarships are sliced and diced pretty thin unless you are Missy Franklin.

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I don’t know about swimming and track, but I do know that D1 baseball has a quarter minimum, so it can’t be sliced/diced lower than that. The player is either a quarter or higher, or nothing. For the scholarship players (the “counters”), the books can be added in for free without “counting” as athletic aid, so every scholarship player on a baseball team, regardless of whether he’s on the minimum quarter or full ride (rare), can also get free books without affecting the team’s scholarship limits.

This, of course, depends on the sport as well as the D1’s budget and policies. Also, you are so right, a quarter is not much, and less than that is, well, even less. Not to mention that some of the smaller programs aren’t even fully funded. No idea where OP’s son falls.

Note, when I say, “free books,” I mean borrowed books. They have to give them back at the end of the semester. They aren’t allowed to keep them or sell them.

These kids are grinding hard purely for the love of the sport. Even the full scholarship players have to really love it because they are sacrificing a lot in terms of grades, free time, vacations, sometimes even their very health, to compete for their school. But…we digress.

OP’s son deserves a lot of credit and respect for trying to make this work. I get the sense that OP does appreciate what he is facing and is trying to find ways to make his load lighter, but her methods have not been helpful.

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I clicked on this because I have sons (2 college experiences)… …I haven’t read all of these posts… but your son sounds very very blessed… with all you provide … in comparison to what our sons are used to… we are not a well to do family… both of our sons have went to college without a cell phone… just an IPOD… with internet everywhere at college… why do they need one?? Unless they have a job off campus… a car they will be driving -and might have an emergency… I don’t see the necessity…

But true…when a kid gets used to a certain lifestyle… you can’t tailor it back it seems -without much resentment. I’d give my 1st son $200, and he’d be able to live on that for 4 + months. I trusted him so much , I got his name on my credit card - and allowed him to use it too.

I’m with all the other posters here who say “Shut him off”…if he’s not willing to take your calls, and speak to you… that’s just outrageous!.. you have every right to give consequences to that entitled behavior… If he doesn’t need you & your husband… let him be independent… so much checking in needs to be part of his participation …and living responsibly…

Myself & 2nd son had some tension at the beginning of this College year as we changed Schools at the last minute, financial concerns & he had a devastating break-up- (Why he was going to the more expensive college to begin with- here I wasn’t thinking straight - doing it for “love”)

He felt I wasn’t caring what he wanted…his attitude got in the way…but I pressed on with what will WORK for our family… but he never stopped talking to me… and now that all blew over… he’s happy where he is… even thankful it all worked out how it did…

I have missed the bulk of this thread to know where you & he are… A little “tough love” is needed sometimes… do not allow your kids to destroy your boundaries… & take too much advantage… even if it makes them angry… they will get over it… and learn from it…

Coming up with a viable plan , you & husband being on the same “team”… how very important it is…

I wish you all the best… this is a great forum !@#.

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Something just occurred to me. If the sport is football, is it possible he has sufferred a head injury?

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She hit him with an oar to get him to finish a race… I am assuming it is probably not football. :). But she has not actually said.

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I think the oar was a metaphor.