Need advice please from parents of college boys.

Parent Cafe
401

If the 4 semesters of math are calculus and we are talking about a STEM field, these classes could be really hard. With all the driving and sports, did your son get to take calculus in HS? How competitive is your D1 school, something like Bama or something like Duke?

Taking a lower level of math this semester could delay graduation, or may make other classes harder, and that class may or may not help. It depends on what is missing, the pre-calc/trig stuff or the ability to learn new material in a week or two with a punishing 30 hour a week sports commitment.

It is quite possible there is additional tutoring available for free, you can do a web search or ask your son to check or I think you could actually call the school for this question. For paid tutoring, don’t think Kumon, think upper level student, and likely there is a college resource to set this up. This would give him a one-on-one tutor who could work with him on things that he missed in HS. A more expensive option would be a professional tutor, the one advantage I see here is that you could likely interface with them directly and keep tabs on his schoolwork.

Get to those games. You have freshman playing D1, spent all those thousands of hours to take him places, and now just have no interest in something he is spending 30 hours a week on? Not to mention how easy it would be to bring by that case of Gatorade or go to lunch after the game. I think some time as a threesome,mom, dad, son could help.

And either buy books on line for him as you see fit or just don’t get involved with books and tell him to buy them himself. I buy my D her books because Amazon ships and has good prices and because I don’t mind. Mostly I get confirmation she got them, but you know it’s just not important. I just want some contact and to be there when she needs me and what she needs me for.

Mellow out and see what the next months and year bring you. Participate as you can and don’t interfere when you can’t.

402

I second or third (what number are we on, now?) finding/joining the parent association.
Our PA leaders keep reminding us to ask our student, “What are you going to do?” and “How will you handle that?”, allowing them to vent to us as a safe place but not making their problems our problems.

403

^^^^This. Best post.

404

You have spent a lot of time talking to him about this. You went over a lot of details with him, and he heard your cautions. But please realize that he knows things independent of you too. You don’t have to program him like a computer. He has good role models. He will figure it all out.

405

POST 358
FROM B1greenca

My heart sunk reading your post, because it seems like you blew a golden opportunity to set things on a better footing. He did what you wanted–called just to say hi–and in return got criticized and an I-told-you-so attitude. Too bad there was no positive reinforcement to make him want to call again, because all he learned from those conversations is that, even when he does what he thinks you want–ie call to chat–it’s still unpleasant for him. If you exercise self-control and stop venting, your big payoff is that he will actually want to call and chat!

MY POST 366 ( last night)
"
His phone call on Saturday had been preceded by short phone calls before complaining about his reduced money. So, I wanted to say up front if you are calling about money, the answer is the same.

“it’s still unpleasant for him”

I guess I didn’t do a great job describing the phone call, but I did write the conversation was pleasant.
I believe I used that word to describe the conversation.
He was on break and only had 5 minutes to speak.

“Too bad there was no positive reinforcement to make him want to call again”

He did call again, three times this week after the Saturday call.
Monday, and twice on Wed to sound me out about changing his class.
Then calling me again to say he changed his mind.
I believe I wrote that.

I don’t mean to be defensive here…
But, I did write that the phone call was pleasant and he called me after.

POST 392 FROM BJK MOM ( this morning)

Wait, you waited and prayed and threatened and wanted him to call? And he did, and this was the result?

“But it was just to say hi…
I started off by saying if he was calling to complain about his reduced money, it wasn’t going to work.
He said he was just calling to say hi. I told him I was in a quandary as I understood that while he wanted to be treated as an adult, I really felt he needed guidance. No response to that. So, short conversation. Pleasant.”

Of COURSE it was a short phone call. I would have gotten off the phone very quickly too. And I bet you a dollar that, when he did finally get off the phone, he muttered an obscenity, and said to the phone “And THAT’S why I don’t call more often!!!”

That poor kid.

If someone reacted that way to me finally doing what they wanted, it would be a cold day in hell before I did it again.

Pretty frustrating here if I folks want to give out advice, but can’t read the words of my post.
Gosh, thought I answered this in post 366. But, here are the direct quotes again.

"Of COURSE it was a short phone call. I would have gotten off the phone very quickly too. "

He was on break and only had 5 minutes to speak. - POST 366

So… BJK IF HE WAS STILL WITH THE TEAM THAT AFTERNOON, I SHOULD SAY DON’T GO BACK?

“And THAT’S why I don’t call more often!!!”"

POST 366 -
He did call again, three times this week after the Saturday call.
Monday, and twice on Wed to sound me out about changing his class.
Then calling me again to say he changed his mind.
I believe I wrote that.

I don’t mean to be defensive here…
But, I did write that the phone call was pleasant and he called me after.

================================================

“And THAT’S why I don’t call more often!!!”"

First, glad you added all the exclamation points to a statement that is wrong.

He did call a couple of times that week.

Did you even read my post?

REALLY NOT HELPFUL FOLKS IF YOU ARE JUDGEMENTAL AND CAN’T EVEN BOTHER TO READ MY POSTS.

Personally, if there was a block function here, I would do it, but since there isn’t please don’t respond back.

406

In with the band, thanks chock full of great advice.

Guessing, but I think he is embarrassed to ask for help.

407

In with the band, thanks chock full of great advice.

Guessing, but I think he is embarrassed to ask for help.

408

"Is there a parent organization at the school? Could you join it? I was very surprised to find such a thing existed when my kids went to college. Don’t laugh, but the main goal is to keep the parents away from the kids! The parents can ask each other questions and share concerns and thereby let the kids be.

Like the tutor issue. In one of these parent orgs, there is always a lot of talk about math tutoring and where to find it. Kids come in with varying degrees of preparation in Calculus, end up with good and bad teachers, and many need some help. In the first few weeks of school, there is lots of information about where to find math help, some for pay, some free resources at the school that are surprising."

We were not there for parent orientation. He went up to school earlier for practice, and his orientation ( and ours), he was away at a tournament. We didn’t go then. I’ll look into it though.

His school has a tutoring center, there is a TA, and there is a professor with office hours.
That is 3 resources.

I am guessing I am wrong as everyone here is advocating for a tutor.

But, this is his decision to stay in the higher level.
So, I think he needs to use the resources there.
I don’t want to get swamped into tutoring for 4 classes of math, it will just get that much harder
and he will then need the tutor more and more. I would rather he use the resources there and figure it out himself.

409

" I buy my D her books because Amazon ships and has good prices and because I don’t mind. "

I found a good resource during high school was to use Amazon, but I bought the books used, and honestly most of the time, they seemed brand new.

410

“As he gets more comfortable and continues to call, you can simply tell him that dad is coming(or both of your are) to see the game on the xx Saturday and would love to say hi afterwards. If son doesn’t want to (or can’t due to team commitments) that is fine, you just want to see a game. Hopefully, he will have seen that other parents come to games and it is not unusual. Hopefully, but the time October rolls around he will be OK with you coming to a game.”

Thanks, this is good advice to hold onto. I think we are headed that way.

411

"Your son is accomplished. He got there because you and your husband supported him but now it’s time to let go ( stand ready to catch him if he really needs it).

As an older, experienced person, you will see problems with some actions but really, they are his mistakes to make. You can step in when the mistakes impact you (e.g. the credit card expenses) but where they only affect him, this is where it becomes hard, you need to stay out and watch.His class schedule is strictly your son’s responsibility. You can counsel him (I think you’re right about changing to a lower class) but in the end, he has to make that mistake. I hope the impact on his GPA is minimal.

I found I learned more from my mistakes, both in classes and life. He can’t lead a mistake-free life. And he will make choices you don’t like."

Yes, thanks, I am hearing that and processing it. He can’t lead a mistake-free life.
Hard to watch though.

412

“You have spent a lot of time talking to him about this. You went over a lot of details with him, and he heard your cautions. But please realize that he knows things independent of you too. You don’t have to program him like a computer. He has good role models. He will figure it all out.”

I have heard the flip side of this from friends with daughters who had the regretful yes in the morning
( although I think the boys took advantage too), so I probably spent a lot of time talking about being respectful to women. But, yes, agree, he does have to figure this out too.

413

One thing that might be helpful - if he calls complaining about math, ask him if he’s calling to vent or for advice. Than respond accordingly. That said, I’d be encouraging him to try out tutoring if math is an issue and also to know what date he can drop or withdraw from a class with no consequences.

I was sure my son was going to drop Arabic at one point sophomore year, but he muddled through got a C in the end, spent junior year in Jordan and got A’s senior year. That was his solution to the problem. Not mine. :slight_smile:

I agree with others trying to get the RA’s phone number is weird. Looking up courses for him isn’t your job.

And if you want to go see a game. Go see a game. I’d say, “We’re coming to see you play on Saturday. We can leave you alone or take you out for dinner. Which would you prefer?”

414

It sounds as if this sport is more important than academics. Did you say 30 hours a week, year round? Frequent travel on Fridays, causing missed classes?

Is he planning to go pro after college?

415

Collegemom9999, there is an ignore feature. Click on the person name and their profile will come up. Click the ignore button and you will see that they replied but you won’t see what they wrote.

I think you are making great strides here. It sounds like your S has responded to you and that things with him are much better and communication is going well. Of course there are growing pains and no one does everything perfectly right. Who cares.

It sounds like your S is having lots of stress in starting college. Trying to navigate playing a sport, juggling the demands of sport and classes and life is a lot. So he had a bit of a melt down earlier, it sounds like he has learned and that mom and dad are no push overs and he is behaving much better.

But personally I think people here should give this kid and his parent a break. They are trying to navigate this and while it might not be how you would do it, I don’t think it’s been handled terribly either. I also think that for a freshman who is playing D 1 sports, that maybe he might need a bit more help as he has much less time to navigate this than 99% of the other freshman out there.

416

I just want to compliment the OP for keeping an open mind and trying to take this all in. It’s hard to change your go-to style. A lot is being thrown at you here, and you are being very good-natured about it.

417

Not sure why there is such an issue about considering tutoring. It sounds like your son is taking the responsible step of making sure he is keeping up with math work - before it becomes a big problem. Good for him! Just because he may need tutoring this first semester, there’s no reason to assume that he will need it for all his future math courses.

I’m a big fan of free resources. Yes, he can go to office hours for the professor and the TA. Remember his schedule may not mesh with the published office hours. He can try the free tutoring. At my son’s school he did free tutoring 1-1, and whoever got him as their tutor definitely got a bargain of a great tutor at no extra cost.

But…it sounds like you are pushing back on the tutoring because he didn’t follow your advice about course selection. I don’t know what the private tutoring is going to cost, but since you are cutting back on what you considered on his weekly stipend, I’m assuming that it would cover the amount for the tutoring. To me this sounds like money well spent (as opposed to Beer) to get him off on the right foot at school his first semester

418

I agree that the OP is being hearing what people are saying, though she may not be acting on all of it. :wink:

I think what some of us are still struggling with is that the language and decisions still seem all about OP and how it all feels to her rather than what is best for ds. Yes, YOU WERE RIGHT that he should have taken the easier section of math, but he didn’t. Congratulations on being right, but how is this helping ds? You were willing to give him $210/week (I think I’m remembering that correctly … $30 a day?) in spending money so now that you aren’t why not spend some of that on a tutor? You know that the later math courses are going to build on these earlier ones? Why set him up to fail down the line because you want to take a hard stance now?

419

I think the kid is doing great given his background. Yes, he was (is) being a total jerk. But he’s coming from what sounds like a smothering, helicopter parent family. He could easily be prone to anxiety, indecision, and a lack of independence that would haunt him into adulthood. Instead he’s pushing hard to make his own decisions and be on his own.

If you read some of the recent research on how kids of helicopter parents turn out, I personally would say the OP dodged a bullet and should be thankful she has a strong and resilient son.

Give him some space and time, and mom and son will eventually ease their way into a new and more healthy relationship. Mom should absolutely be very proud of her son’s actions in asserting independence, even if it’s being done in a somewhat hurtful manner. It’s a good thing, OP, it really truly is.

420

OP, Consolation’s post reminded me of something I did not include in my original faculty perspective post. Faculty cannot penalize an athlete for missing class due to an athletic event or travel. Athletes give each professor a list from the Athletic Department of the days they will be absence from class. The faculty member must sign-off and make arrangements with the athlete to make sure he or she is aware of what they missed and to answer any questions about the material they missed while away at the event. Granted, in some cases, this involves a faculty member saying “get the notes from one of your classmates.” However, the faculty member must make themselves available if the student-athlete asks. Also, faculty members are required not only to post their office hours but the words “and by appointment.” Therefore, if a student cannot make the posted office hours, they can still set-up an appointment. Again, the trick/problem is getting students to take advantage of the “by appointment” option.

The popularity of Blackboard, Moodle etc makes it possible for professors to post notes electronically that students can download. his allows students to get accurate notes. It also allow students to send a mass email asking for clarification regarding a concept or formula or equation presented.

Fun Fact: Approximately 1/3 of my students have their parents shop for their textbooks online. It’s just faster to have them do it and cheaper for many of them.

OP, let us know how you like the Parents Association.

CC posters, my apologies for typos. Relatively new and still trying to master editing and autocorrect in this forum.