^ I don’t think you should get into emotions in your email. Just write what you are doing now regarding money. Keep it simple and to the point.
The best thing my parents ever did, when I was a teen and alternating between rudely ignoring them and shouting, “I hate you and as soon as I get out of here, you’ll never see me again” was to calmly and gravely say, “Well, we love you and will always be here for you no matter what.”
That doesn’t mean that’s the correct response for your situation. It’s just one point of view and perhaps the exact wrong response in your case. Good luck with all this.
I’m coming in late to this conversation…so some random responses…
Very true, but at my kids schools email is the prevalent form of communication for every event, teacher, club, etc. If they don’t check email they’d be lost! Professors send out important (and time-sensitive!) information about the class and homework that checking email is very important! I had to really stress this to my son before he left for college because in HS he only checked his email occasionally.
So, yes @Much2learn, I send emails and actually get responses! (Well, at least most of the time… 
)
We also, text and occasionally use the phone or Skype.
Yup, that’s the hardest part about letting them go…but also why I love sharing those “snippets of life” in a text or email now and again. And the longer occasional phone call or Skype…that’s when I get to “experience” life with them.
It’s for everyone (at least at my kids’ schools) but it’s probably more typical for freshman parents to go since everything is new.
Actually, we get really good deals because the schools do group rates with local hotels. I’d check the school’s website.
OP, I don’t really have any new advice to contribute but I’m so sorry you are going through this.
So sorry for what you went through, thingamajig. The only thing that makes me wonder/think/hope that it is not a MH issue is that it happened immediately, with the first day of school. That said, perhaps there is a way to check with the RA, a houseparent (if its a residential college), etc.
I have all boys. My oldest son did not communicate when he went away. He did not let me know if he was doing well, if he had enough money etc. I basically said …if you want money, phone, car…then you are expected to call me each Sunday and tell me how you are. I am giving you _______ amount of spending money. If you choose to blow it, then you had better like the meal plan because that’s all you get. I told him if he did not communicate then I would show up on his door, make a big mom “scene” and yank his butt home.
I would immediately cancel the credit card and drive up there. If he balks, then tell him good luck making enough money to pay for school. I know I may sound harsh but you are entitled to respect and thanks for paying for college. You deserve better than this.
OP, that email is NOT going to help. If he views you as too needy, clingy, helicopter-y (and honestly I can see how he would), it will just be another sign of it. Although… I would go to parents weekend. I would tell him matter of factly that you are paying his bills, and you want to see him at his college. So it isn’t his choice.
The reality is that your son is pushing you away. The more you initiate any kind of communication, the more distance your child is going to try to put between him and you.
This is the really hard part…you need to stop any and all communication towards your son. Let him feel the quiet. It will take some time, but he will come back to you eventually. You don’t even have to communicate that you are cutting down his credit card limit. Let him experience that on his own. Then he will be on the phone to you rather quickly.
Practice what you will say when he calls demanding more $$. You can even write it out and keep it with you in your purse, since you won’t know when he will call. The conversation will most likely be full of rage and hate towards you for spoiling his good times. Do not apologize for what you choose to do with his credit card limit. Tell him your expectations, and do not give in “just this once”. If you give in to his demands, he will not respect you. He will just continue to run over you and hurt you. Oh, I could suggest you not answer his first phone call to you. See if he leaves a voicemail message so you will know what you are up against before you actually speak with him. Let him stew for a day without hearing back from you. And then wait for his second call before you pick up and speak with him.
If you and your husband truly feel he is in danger, you can contact the school, arrange for him to withdraw, and show up on campus to collect him and his belongings. That is your right since you are footing the bill for all of this. If you choose not to do this, then it is on your son to choose to attend class, study, and make the grade. Yes, it will be awful for you to sit by and let him fail. But he is telling you he wants to do this college thing on his own. Let him fail. It will be an important lesson (at some point when he is ready to be a mature adult.)
If he doesn’t know your stance on how far you go to support him, you will need to clarify that with him. “Fail a class, you pay to retake it.” “We pay for 4 years, not 6-7 years.” “We see your grades each semester before we agree to pay for next semester.” “We require a 3.0 each semester, or at the end of each year to fund your next year of college.” Those decisions need to be made jointly with your husband and communicated verbally and in writing to your son once he chooses to communicate with you.
You and your husband need a long-term plan. You and your husband need to agree, need to be confident, and need to be prepared to follow through on whatever you decide on together. That will be the really hard part. If your son pulls a 2.0 GPA this first semester, will you allow him to return to campus next semester?
What if you make him stay home? How will you treat him? What will his rules be? Just bringing him home is not an answer. Deciding he will attend a commuter school, or that he will take off a semester to pull himself together and require him to get a job and pay rent to you, those kinds of things need to be thought out. Will you allow him to have a car at home, and can he come and go as he pleases? How will he fund his lifestyle at home?
It could actually be worse to have him at home with no job requirement and indulging him with money and 24/7 maid service. He could say “wow, I get to party all night, sleep all day, have someone (mom) do my laundry, cook my meals, and I don’t have to pay for anything! This is great! College required too much effort. I like hanging out and drinking beer and no pressure at all. Thanks mom and dad for setting me up for a life of a bum!”
You are in a tough spot right now. And it will get tougher. This is the time to shore up friendships, and also make sure you and your hubby are having conversation each day and taking time to go out and enjoy life, and shoring up any issues in your marriage that have been ignored due to focusing on your son. You will need to be able to count on each other in the coming months, and so work now to learn how to be spouses instead of just being parents.
This is a huge life lesson for your son. You can support him after he fails, but he is clearly pushing you away and will not accept your wisdom and help right now. When a child is so upset that they block you on their phone, there is no communication that will be received well. Trust that, over time, he can find his way back to you. But for now, make plans for the future, assuming that failure in his college studies is a likely outcome of his partying.
This is the hard part of parenting. Much harder than potty training or teaching the kid how to drive. This is his start into adult life, and you want it to go smoothly. If you read other parent stories here on cc, you’ll find that the transition to college and adult life takes many paths. For some, it is the traditional 4 straight years of college. For others, the maturity level is just not there. But if you keep reading, you will learn of eventual success for most kids.
The death of your dreams for your child will be painful. Hugs to you as you walk through this difficult time.
OP don’t tell him that you are hurt—I think that will only gain you an eyeroll. And it makes it more about you and your feelings than it does about him and his behavior! Set the tone as serious but still positive. I would send an email letting him know that you are disappointed in how he’s conducted himself thus far but that you are confident that better times are ahead. Let him know that you will be putting X (small!!!) amount in his account once a week but that he will have to contact you to let you know that he is ready for the money to be deposited. I would also let him know that blocking you from his phone will mean that extra money is cut off for the semester. Then tell him that you have 4 (or whatever) available weekends (including parents weekend) and that he needs to pick one for you to visit. If he doesn’t make the choice then let him know you will be “surprising” him! Operate from a position of strength OP! Good luck!
OP, in my family, my son knows I’m a soft touch and will respond to me differently than he does to his father. I don’t usually advocate this, but if your situation is like mine, might your son respond in a business like fashion if his father approaches him in a business like fashion about the new rules? Dad could say something like "we didn’t convey to you our expectations before you left, so I’m going to do so now and here they are. 1. Your budget for spending cash is __. 2. You pass your classes or you pay. 3. You communicate with us _ by ____. 3. You should have no expectation of privacy in terms of your grades in freshman year. We will assess that in subsequent years. 4. You will treat my wife with courtesy at all times, and 5. We will respect your space and your new life, but if you fail to follow the first four rules or otherwise give us significant cause to worry, you can expect an unexpected visit from us to campus. As you grow in maturity and responsibility, these rules will naturally slacken in the proper course of time.
I would like to echo the others who have said how impressed they are by your open-mindedness.
OP - I am a SAHM and have 1 son in college( a Junior) and 2 in high school. When DS started college we did give him a small allowance of $80 a month for laundry and going out. As far as I know he never had any problems with that amount. I think cutting the money may help your son.
As far as the communication we rarely hear from DS unless we text him first. I doubt that we even hear from him every week. While it would be nice to hear from him more honestly I didn’t call my mom every week when I was in college either.
I would be very careful about writing a letter saying the road goes both ways. DH’s mom is like that and it has caused problems for them. Once you say or write something you CAN NOT take it back. She has wrote some letters like that to him when he was much younger and guess what? He still remembers them…Do not write about how much you have done for him over the years he will think you are trying to guilt him into calling you.
I have one son in college and another that just started HS. I am also a dad, for what that is worth…here’s my advice:
- As stated by many, communicate more at his pace and using his preferred method of contact…text
- Once a week may be too much for your son. I would start out being a bit more random
- The money situation is troublesome. Perhaps you start with sending him what he needs, then go to allowance when he grows up a bit
- Keep any allowance type thing very low…not for grades, just for incidentals.
- Go to Parents’ weekend, but do it for you and DH. Do not even contact your son on it. Learn what you can, meet some other parents
- Depending on your phone plan, I would consider limiting his minutes or data to keep your costs down and to help him realize (not too harshly) that the things he has come out of your pocket
- Proof of life texts can be helpful…in our case S1’s GF is on Twitter and sometimes we get proof of life from her posts
It sounds like your son may be a college athlete or participates in something like band or theater where he is heavily involved with older students. This is a problem that is exacerbated in those situations. Having a deep pool of money will cause him more problems than not.
I had a few friends in HS who turned out to be functional alcoholics. Most of them drank considerably more than their parents had any inkling about. Most kids find a way to test limits, but don’t assume that you really know what he is doing in that regard. I hope you are right and he limited the drinking in HS, but knowing he was drinking 4 times likely means it was much more.
To a prior poster, kids prefer texting (lots of studies on this). I prefer email. I use Google Voice to send them texts. Then I can text from email.
@collegemom9999, boys mostly don’t communicate much. I think OP and son have a problem that ShawWife would have had without my help in HS. If you don’t let them go off in HS and make mistakes (hopefully limited mistakes), they may not be prepared for the freedom that college offers. I haven’t read the whole thread, but it seems as if your son is asserting his independence for the first time and is acting out. Given the prior history, that is probably not surprising. You are going to have to let go of a lot of the close interaction and sense of control over time and he may be responding to that by acting out. But, his entitled sense, especially about money, needs to be dealt with. $210 for a week is way too high. I’d try that amount month per month. I think @powercropper’s initial advice on money makes sense. Know what you are going to say. Be firm. Plus, the debit card idea is a good one.
With respect to @powercropper’s later advice, have we established that he is not going to classes or not studying? If not, I wouldn’t be thinking of pulling him from school. But, I believe you only have an obligation to fund college if he is taking college seriously and putting in a full effort. If not, let him take a gap year and mature before he heads back to college.
On the other hand, I don’t think emotional reactions and threats driven from them are a good idea. “I am hurt that you don’t want me to come to Parents’ Weekend. The road goes both ways.” I doubt a) you mean it and threats that aren’t credible are worse than no threats at all; and b) that is the way that family members stop talking to each other.
And, @collegemom9999, to state the obvious, kids do leave the nest and, while they come back, they do so less frequently. They get BFs and GFs and spouses and kids and have even less time. So, for your own mental well-being, it is important for you to find activities that provide you with community, structure and meaning as all of those have probably left your life to some degree. I have written about this the thread on What to do with an Empty Nest? I’m not sure if this link will work, but it one of several of my posts in that thread: http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/discussion/comment/18435813#Comment_18435813.
Best of luck. It will likely not be easy for a while.
OP - I feel for you and the pain you’re in.
Practically speaking I am wondering something – how will you enforce the new budget? Do you trust him not to spend more? I know you said he’s got a separate card and he’s now going to pay his own Uber and iTunes, but does that mean it’s getting charged to that card you’re ultimately paying?
I’m wondering because in general a kid who will block your calls will also ignore budget rules. I’d strongly suggest making sure he has his own account in his name, so if he overspends, he faces the consequences (overdraft or overlimit fees, etc). Something tells me he’s never, ever had to worry about money before, and money thoughts do go along with the independence he’s craving.
He’s also told you going in that he doesn’t care much about grades, so is there a reason he doesn’t have a small part-time job? I TOTALLY understand not wanting him to overdo freshman year, but there are tons of jobs he could get that are just a few hours a week.
One other thing – I’d be shocked if he weren’t trying to buy his popularity with those kegs of beer, but I’d also be shocked if those same people didn’t sympathize with him just a bit if his parents cut off most of his beer money. Every college student understands the quirks of an annoying parent. In any case, pledge time or whatever is mostly over now, and he shouldn’t need the beer to ensure his popularity.
My boys ( independant adult, college student) text or FB message or call at least once a week if not more. If anything, I try to move them away from doing it quite as much. Boys are not necessarily less communicative, imho. I FB message them, email longer news, rarely text and almost never call. They have/had no spending “allowance”. We pay tuition and help with rent. All their other expenses come from whatever they earn, themselves. It’s amazing how budget conscious young men can be when it’s their money. Money – not line of credit. Our rule is credit cards are for people with steady jobs and a hefty savings account.
They block my calls? They use my credit card indiscriminately? No, @#$%K way is that happening. We would send something like " I am really puzzled by cutting us off, and blocking us. But I don’t have the funding or tolerance to be paying for things, but not worth communicating with. If we can’t work something out that is agreeable to us both, I’m going to let you be totally responsible for yourself, and that means your phone and your own credit card. We of course value your college education and will fund that as long as you are a student in good standing at College. Love, Mom"
I confess I haven’t read the whole thread — I would come to parents’ weekend ANYWAY. Stroll around. Enjoy yourself. Send him pictures. Have we ruled out substance abuse – drugs and/or alcohol?
I would draw a line, before the police or ER do. Apart from that, all I can offer is the feeling that you deserve better, but it is unlikely you can force him into something. It’s hard to be the mom.
I am the SAHM–sort of–mother of a son who fell into the classic uncommunicative group. If we heard from him once a month during college it was a lot. My S was and is everything to me, and believe me, I feel your pain. But you simply MUST back off now and let him come to you when he is ready.
I find you son’s behavior–wild overspending, blocking the phone–to be extreme. I admit that I would be worried that he was experiencing the onset of mental illness or had fallen under the influence of a cult or something. Since you have gotten some information from him about what he is doing, I guess I would hold off on driving up and seeing him until parent’s weekend, but I would go then.
This is what I think you should do:
- You personally must immediately cease all attempts to contact him. DO NOT send an email, text, or letter describing your hurt.
- Discuss the matter with his father, and have his father call him and outline the rules you have agreed on going forward, along the lines of what was suggested by @zoosermom in #133.
- Set up an account with a debit card for him, set up an automatic transfer to it–$100 per month would be generous–and having done so cancel the credit card. Let him know that if he wants more money that he is free to find a part time campus job, as many other students do.
- You and your husband should agree that you will not abuse his phone by calling or texting him excessively–I would suggest that you restrict yourself to once a month, plus genuine emergencies–but that if he blocks you the phone will be cancelled.
- You and your H should inform him that these are the rules, he will not be hearing from you except as outlined, you understand his desire to establish independence and you intend to honor it, but that you WILL be coming for Parent’s Weekend.
- When you do communicate with him, be calm, pleasant, and non-accusatory, even if it kills you. You don’t want to set up a situation where his pride is keeping him from talking to you because it feels like a surrender. You need to defuse the situation.
7)You could send him something like a batch of homemade cookies in a few weeks, with a note that says something like: “Hope you are enjoying school, love Mom.”
^^^This is quite possibly the best advice, ever, on CC.
I would also recommend that you tell him he has to get a part time job. Most of my son’s friends have jobs- even if they are only 5 or 10 hours per week. My son attends a school where parent income is fairly high, so it is not that a lot of parents can’t afford to give their kids money. It is just as much about students helping out financially as it is about having some skin in the game. I think most kids appreciate what they have more if they have some responsibility in making it happen. I guarantee your son has enough time to work a few hours per week. My son is a D2 athlete/STEM pre-med major, and works on campus about 10 hours per week. He says that the busier he is, the more productive he is.
It sounds to me like everything you have done- all of your rules and over-parenting- were done totally out of love for your kids. You had to work in college and wanted your kids to have it better, as most of us do. It is sometimes difficult to draw a line as to providing support for our kids vs. pampering them. Your son just needs to learn that he is at school to get an education and that it is not something to take for granted. I believe you said that the school does not have an avenue to let you know about grades- we have always made it a condition of paying for our kids education that we have access to their grades, even if it has to be thru them giving us their on-line passwords. If your son refuses to give you that access, then maybe it is time for him to come home and attend your local cc. In the end, he will still be getting an education, although maybe not the one where he can do whatever he wants. I give you a lot of credit for recognizing that there is a problem and for being so open-minded in hearing advice and acting on some of it. Come up with a plan of action and stick to it- you are right to be concerned.
Parent here, one daughter, one son, both several years out of college now. Both communicate a LOT more now than they did when they were in college. Not all, but many college kids feel that communicating with their parents diminishes them – they feel like children again, not heroic adults. And boys are especially prone to that. Not all of them, but lots of them. It will get better, but not this semester. Or maybe not any semester.
Don’t compare your kids to one another, and don’t compare them to other kids. Your son may not be communicating as much as your daughter, or as much as many other people’s sons, but his communication level – zero – is well within the normal range for boys in their first month of college. Take into account, too, that you know you had an off-the-charts intimate relationship with him before college, and to some extent you are paying the price of all that extra intimacy then in the form of radical refusal to communicate now. The two ARE related.
Don’t go to Parents Weekend if he doesn’t want you to. Parents Weekends are unmeaningful and awkward in the best cases; if it’s going to cause extra tension, there’s no benefit to counterbalance that. Yes, it’s insulting and hurtful that he doesn’t want to see you, but so what? That will pass. If you desperately need to see him before Thanksgiving – and I wholeheartedly encourage you NOT to desperately need to see him before Thanksgiving – go up on a prearranged day and take him to a nice lunch somewhere, then leave. Do not ask to see his room, meet his roommate, girlfriend, teammates, etc. That will give you plenty of opportunity to take his temperature and decide if there’s something to worry about.
As everyone else has said, stop the money spigot instantly. My kids – who did not live the lives of Puritans, and who fully enjoyed going to college in Chicago – were budgeted at about $120 per week, but that included paying for all their own food, and they had to work to pay for part of it.
I have a friend whose son went to college 15 blocks from where both of his parents worked, and about 5 miles from where they lived. He literally did not talk, text, e-mail, or write to either of his parents during the first three months of college. He showed up at home with a laundry bag the Wednesday evening before Thanksgiving. A little sheepish; he knew he had crossed the line. They yelled at him a bit, and everyone agreed on a 20 minute scheduled call once a week. Everything was fine.
The earlier poster is spot on in saying that establishing a budget without changing him to a debit card will make his life difficult.
Which is easier to say to his new found “friends”?
A. I would love to buy for all of you, but I have no money to buy your beer because I paid for the last party and my parents were jerks about it, and replaced my credit card with a debit card with $50 on it to live on for the week.
B. I have a credit card I can use to buy beer for everyone, but I am not going to because I am a momma’s boy and my mom says you guys are taking advantage of me. From now on, I am going to be a good, responsible boy, stay on a budget, do my homework and listen to my parents.
The debit card lets him stay cool by making you the bad guy, which is fine. You get more control, and he has a better story. It is a “win, win!”
Tough crowd. 
As a mostly-single mom who has always had a super close relationship with her son, give yourself and your son a break. Have REALISTIC expectations about how quickly you can adjust to a completely different relationship. It’s not going to happen at once, and it’s not going to happen without some bumps along the way. Many of us are giving you advice on how it should be by the time our kids are in college but most of us have taken incremental steps to get there. My son’s a high school senior and, last summer, he texted me every other day during the first week he was away at camp; during the next two weeks, it went down to once a week. This summer, it was just once during the entire three weeks. A clear sign for things to come. The transition is easier in small steps; what you’re facing is brutal.
Don’t write him out of your will yet and be careful with the ultimatums. It’s only been a few weeks; pull in the reins a bit and give it a little time. Don’t over-steer.