If your kid is adept enough to shave or mow a lawn, get him some $20 clippers from Walmart for Christmas. Saved my kid a ton of money and even more time.
Just a thought…over the summer, my rising sophomore “mentioned” how much a “good” fake ID costs. Over $200. If your son is drinking with upperclassmen, could be where some of the money went. And doubt he would mention it.
Dave Ramsey does have a religious bent that he does not apologize for. It may turn some people off.
He’s very upfront about that.
But his GOAL is fiscal responsibility so you can live a debt free (stress free) life. He doesn’t care about your religious beliefs. The plan works for everybody.
He is very practical to the nth degree. Way too many people don’t know how debt/loans/different types of loans affect their income and savings potential.
That is the same going rate I have heard from my two college aged kids. It also surprised me how quickly fake IDs are introduced to the college experience-early in the first semester for sure. Very sad. I ended up with some contact information for the second child’s school’s fake ID source and reported it to the university police. They never even followed up with me.
I may have missed a few posts, but there is one option I have not seen mentioned. You say that your son is in an activity that you would rather not disclose due to privacy concerns. However, that activity may be a way for you to verify that your son does not have a serious drug, alcohol, or academic issue.
If the activity is an official school sponsored activity it will have a coach, advisor or some type of administrator. As a parent you are well within your rights to contact that person and ask them to verify that all is well. You don’t need to go into details about money spent, etc. but just say that you are concerned that he may be aligning with the wrong crowd and/or not attending classes. I guarantee you that you will not be the first parent to call the university because you are worried.
If he is an athlete the coach will already be monitoring his grades. If it is a club or specific academic activity the advisor may see how your son is behaving but not realize that the way he is now is a big departure from past behavior. Either way, there is no harm in a phone call. You can ask this person not to tell your son that you called. I would rather risk embarrassing my son by making a call to a person in authority, than find out too late in the semester that he had developed a real issue that should have been dealt with.
My younger son, an athlete, absolutely hated the first school he attended. When I finally talked to his coach after he already decided to transfer, his coach told me that he wished we (parents) would have called him sooner. He didn’t realize the behavior he was observing was uncharacteristic for my son, he thought he was just normally quiet and sullen all of the time, which couldn’t be further from the truth. The coach also told me he had parents call him all the time, with questions, issues, etc. so I always regretted not calling sooner. My attitude now, with both of my college sons, is that coaches, professors, and advisors are being paid to teach, coach, help the students, so you are only asking them to do their job.
I would also go for a visit. Leave it up to him as to when, Family weekend or before, but until he comes clean as to what is going on and you both figure out a way to communicate long term, in my opinion an in- person visit is warranted.
This^^^^^^
Agree with Consolation for the most part, BUT I think it is certainly OK to text once per week (Even twice) and expect a phone call once a week or so. After all, the parents are the ones paying for college.
Hopefully, your son is just doing to you what many others do in high school - pulling away and cutting the proverbial apron strings. Sounds like he did not have a very active social life in HS and now he does. Give him the space to grow and do that, but knowing you are keeping tabs.
Does he talk to his sister? Can she do some recon for you and make sure he is not involved in anything worrisome. One of kids was terrible about charging his cell phone so days would go by when I couldn’t reach him as it would go straight to voicemail.
Dad to a college Jr.
I have to admit, i haven’t read all 12 pages but, my son gets email from me but never responds via email - always text or phone. As you kids mature into adults, a lower % of you communication should be corrective in nature. If you’ve done your job, he already knows what you think about alcohol, drugs, sex, politics and a bunch of other stuff. Engage him more like a peer.
I engage my kids with topics I know he cares about. I read on-line version of the school newspaper (and the local paper) for background. Ask him about room mate, dorm food, the weather, a football game, an English class, tell him an old teacher, neighbor or high school friend says Hi, or was written up in the paper. Make a note of a tech gadget, car, instrument or whatever caught his eye before he left - and tell him you tripped over it. (I hear Fender is doing the sound system in the new GTI, how cool is that? My friend has an extra Arduino, want be to snag it for you?) Any of those are likely to get a response. Once engaged, ask broad questions like - busy week? let him set the tone and depth of the exchange.
What expectations did you set for budget, behavior and communications with your son? Generally, this stuff is better settled before they go. If set up rules/boundaries, now is the time to respect/enforce them.
Freshman year - with a dorm, meal plan and credit card for books, supplies and emergencies, we agreed he’d spend his summer earnings on whatever else he wanted/needed. I am certain some of those summer earnings paid his way into fraternity parties, etc. It was his to manage - if he was broke by October, so be it. If he needed a job, that was his to figure out. We knew he’d eat… He spent about $1k of his money all year and managed to have more fun than i will ever know.
Now that he is in a house near campus, he gets $X per month deposited into his checking account - he can spend the money as he sees fit. (I had him propose a budget at the beginning of Soph year and we’ve adjusted it once when his room-mate situation changed)
Summer jobs have replenished his spending money.
It is a little late but, you could take a similar approach with your son. Give him a monthly deposit of $50 to $100 a for fun money. Don’t ask him where he spends it and don’t replenish if it is gone early. If he wants to live larger than the budget allows, there are no shortage of jobs on and around most college campuses.
Good luck.
OP I forgot to make something clear when I said that S will text a letter or two (“K” for ok etc) The “texting” I am referring to is Facebook messaging. We keep it really, really light, as a dad pointed out in a previous post. And I am limiting myself to a couple times a week. We do expect skype once a week but before he left home we asked him ahead of time to choose his means of communication (phone or skype) and the day.
As for parents weekend you already have the experience w your daughter, who admittedly sounds quite different. Why not plan to attend events on your own and not count on spending much time quantity-wise with him, but do your own thing on campus? Can you offer to take him out for dinner and have him choose the place? Make that the only
“required” time together?
Our teens’ desire for autonomy doesn’t come with the right to be rude, disrespectful, or squander our money however they see fit. If it were my son, I’d cut off the credit card. When he called to ask about money, I’d make it very clear that he’d better never hang up on me or block my calls unless he wanted me to assume there was some sort of trouble, in which case his dad and I would gladly drop whatever we were doing and drive there immediately. I’d send him a debit card and deposit $10-15/week into the account so he has some spending money, but if he wanted more I’d expect him to get a job. I’d also arrange a payment plan for every semester from here on out and make it clear that those payments are contingent on him giving us access to his grade portal and maintaining a minimum GPA.
Acting like a man and acting like a decent man are two different things. Decent men don’t hang up on their mothers or block their calls.
Not to go too far beyond the basic topic, but on the subject of haircuts, especially for boys… you can get a $25 clipper set and they can handle trimming on their own. Worst case scenario, they completely mess it up and have to shave it down to stubble. It will grow back. Especially good to deal with ‘fade’ type cuts that need regular maintenance to look ‘cool’.
Thanks everyone for all the comments. Story of the dog and cat was great.
And I will definitely go to that other link that was recommended on the parents forum.
I am definitely in a better state of mind today coming to the realization that the relationship will not be the same.
Well, last night I sent him a short, brief email explaining that I was limiting the credit card.
(I know a debit card would have been better, but he doesn’t have one)
and that every week, I would put $ on it ( so, it is a little like a debit card).
In that email, I also asked him if he wanted a review study book for one of his courses that was on Amazon,
but not at his school store. ( I know…).
Today, I received an email back complaining about how unfair and punitive I was being by cutting his money.
No response to the book.
I went over how he had abused the credit card, and wondered why he hadn’t answered my question about the book.
Wasn’t he there to study? Shouldn’t that be his main concern.
I also ended the letter saying I love you and is there a problem?
I also reached out to the school today to see what information is being offered about grades. Midterms? Finals?
I was a bit wowed that I was privy to NO information as he is 18 years old and an adult…
I explained that at his high school, any course where the grade might be below a B-, had a warning letter at mid point.
She said the only notice would be after the fact.
I wasn’t wowed by the school today either.
It was quick and to the point.
I don’t know … the magic age of 18 as the cut off seems bizarre.
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Just to respond to some comments -
"I would also recommend that you tell him he has to get a part time job. Most of my son’s friends have jobs- even if they are only 5 or 10 hours per week. I would also recommend that you tell him he has to get a part time job. "
He doesn’t have time for a job. And to protect his privacy I would rather not say his activity, but it is officially 20 hours a week, however it is really over 30 hours due to travel and unofficial time. Year long activity at school. Vacations except Thanksgiving and Xmas are on the road with school.
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"If the activity is an official school sponsored activity it will have a coach, advisor or some type of administrator. As a parent you are well within your rights to contact that person and ask them to verify that all is well. You don’t need to go into details about money spent, etc. but just say that you are concerned that he may be aligning with the wrong crowd and/or not attending classes. I guarantee you that you will not be the first parent to call the university because you are worried.
If he is an athlete the coach will already be monitoring his grades. If it is a club or specific academic activity the advisor may see how your son is behaving but not realize that the way he is now is a big departure from past behavior. Either way, there is no harm in a phone call. "
I didn’t realize this, thanks…I guess this will be my back up plan. My last resort.
"RE: grade access.
Now is not the time to deal with this. But my rule for the college kids is that they just give me the passwords for their .edu email accounts and the school’s online system."
This is my next big hurdle.
I probably would rather take a thick, juicy steak bone out a pit bull’s mouth than deal with it.
But, I don’t want to be pounding others for his grades, so I have to figure out how to do this.
His dad ( my husband ), I don’t know the initial thing yet, really doesn’t like confrontation with our son.
He just wants to work and turn on the tv and watch sports. I know.
So, these uncomfortable conversations or pushing him to do something always fell/falls on me.
I already cut his credit card down to a low weekly allowance. What else am I going to do to get him to give it up?
You all say to threaten to take away his college education if he doesn’t share his grades…
But, I think he knows and I know that after all the effort to get there, that is not a realistic threat.
The college isn’t supposed to release his grade info to you without a FERPA waiver explicitly stating it is okay from your son. However, I have heard that there is a loophole in that if he is a dependent on your taxes. Some schools have a standard form that you can ask him to sign, but some don’t. If your son provides a written request for them to release academic information, though, they have to honor that. At my D2’s school we provided that to the registrar. For D1 there was a form in the orientation packet.
Some parents make signing that form a requirement for paying tuition. Others just tell the kid to hand over their password to the system where grades are tracked, or they won’t pay tuition. But if you get it, don’t abuse it. It helps you see if they are actually in school, and could help ID a huge overall tank in grades. But smaller dips, leave him alone.
Do I remember from earlier in the thread that he said he was ok with Bs in college? Here is the thing – the amount of work that got him an A in HS will probably result in a B or worse at many colleges. If he is determined to slack a bit and his college is hard, he could be in for a very bumpy semester. I would insist that you see his semester grades at the end for sure. Make him show you in the online system the day they are out (date is likely on the school’s academic calendar).
Fwiw, grades are not necessarily any indication of any non-academic trouble he may be in.
I told you about my stepdaughter. She passed all of her classes, got mostly B’s, a few As, only a couple Cs… all throughout college. Yet, she used drugs all through college, apparently, and went through cash like it was water… ran up a bunch of debt, and nothing to show for it…
Again, not saying your S is doing the same, it could be something else - an emotional issue, freedom has gone to his head, etc.
His blaming you for being overly punitive because you decreased the cc use - rather than acknowledge his own bad attitude and poor judgment - brings back memories of our own situation with my SD… another red flag, it’s always someone else’s fault, not going to own up to personal responsibility…
Was he like this in high school, or is this attitude new?
Be prepared for complaints. This is a huge shift in your relationship! Be aware that you must be consistent. You were shelling out $400 and now you are looking for his books online? This is what he should be doing – if he wants to make his money last.
He is probably overwhelmed by his own “stuff” right now. He can’t handle yours, or it sounds like, even be in the same room with it. Maximum space, minimum communication…and it’s up to you to be the adult, so that he can learn what it looks like. Just be sure to keep that door open – wide open. But don’t be the doormat!
Just be sure to keep that door open – wide open. But don’t be the doormat!
LOVE THIS!
A few things.
Please, please, please don’t do that.
My mother wrote letters like that to me when I was in college. Trust me, it was the wrong way to go. Guilt is a very dangerous emotion to play with. You really don’t want the link between you to be guilt. My mother never learned this lesson, and it destroyed our relationship.
And never make ultimatums that you can’t keep.
I get that you are hurting right now. Here are two possibilities to consider:
First, this is a phase. All kids go through phases as they try on different personalities as they figure out who they are and who they want to be. Don’t assume that because he’s rejecting you now, this is a permanent situation. In a week he could totally change again, and start calling you. By overreacting, you could prevent him from moving into a different phase.
Second, I agree that something very wrong could be happening. He could be drinking too much, using drugs, not studying, having a mental breakdown, etc. If there is a remote possibility that this could be happening, you need to figure this out – and visiting parents weekend might be a good idea.
Good luck and keep us posted on what happens.
If he’s an athlete, his coach will not (should not) give you his grades, nor should any other professor or adviser of a different activity. For my daughter, her coach and her sorority knew her grades before she did because she signed waivers for them to have access. She signed one for me too, but I just use her .edu account.
But look, if you are not going to confront him about his grades, what difference does make if you know them now or at the end of the semester? My kids are over-sharers, so they tell me too much but all can do is offer to pay for a tutor or walk them through an essay outline if they ask for help.
I have access to both my kids’ .edu accounts because I pay the bills online. I do sometimes go looking for an email about billing or a deadline but I try not to open anything personal, and I can look at their grades but I don’t because usually they’ve already told me. The only reason I care about the grades is because both have merit awards that require certain GPAs, and I need to know if that money is going to disappear, but all I can do if it does disappear is tell them they need to find replacement money.
You’ve cut down the money and now you’ll just have to wait and see if things change. Can’t you go to see him in this activity at some time during the fall? Are they competing at a school close to your home? You said his school is about 2 hours away, and that’s close enough to go down, watch, and return home in the same day.
To the OP, not to beat up on you but you shouldve covered some of this stuff before he went to school.
Grade Access-I have my kids passwords. I never check their school email, but I do log into grades for midterms and the final grades.
Phone-I would turn it off. He is being disrespectful
-Money-you are giving him way too much! If he is on the meal plan, why does he need that much for fun money and clothes. Most kids shouldnt do that much shopping during the year, especially boys. Until he has a rational conversation with me, I wouldnt send him any more money.
Apologies if this repeats some advice covered in the last few pages, I didn’t read all the posts. We have a son who is an upper classman in college who had been fairly high maintenance in high school – a lot of parental involvement and support. The first few weeks of freshman year, there was a wall of silence. I’m sure I pushed some boundaries and made some mistakes, but mostly we tried to give him space. I was mournful (hadn’t seen the dogs turn into cats story at the time, makes perfect sense now). Then, somewhere about 8 weeks into freshman year, he asked us all to come visit him over a weekend. He had established his own life, and now was ready to welcome us in – and get well-fed and pampered at the same time. That initial space is important for them, especially when they enter college aware that there was more hand-holding in high school than is the norm and feel compelled to be more assertive in their independence.
I agree that the allowance is way too high, and a sharp reduction will help normalize his developing relationships at school and with you and him.
There is no easy way for parents to get through this, it is a big change in the dynamic, and takes time. They have the new world, and new experiences, and we are the ones looking at the empty chair at the kitchen table. See if there are mentoring or support services you could provide perhaps to needy kids who would benefit from your care and attention. The good news is, you have launched your kid. The bad news is, you have launched your kid. Hang in there, this is one more step of parenting that no one is truly ready for. Hugs.