@twoinanddone - your childrens’ .edu accounts are not separate from your bill-payer account?
To OP -
You held the airbag for him for a very long time, now you need to remember to put your own on.
Talk to the resident manager of his dorm to make sure someone has seen him and that he looks well (that is about the most I think anyone is allowed to do for you, believe it or not), and then do the uncommon thing: step back.
He will come to you when you, and your funds, are so far out of reach that the air for him begins to thin.
I never looked at my daughters’ college grades. I assumed they would let me know if there were problems or if there weren’t; and they did.
When I was in college, my grades were not good my freshman and sophomore years. It was kind of a shock, becuase I was valedictorian of my high school class; but it was also liberating, because I got Cs and the world didn’t end.In those days, I think parents might have received their adult children’s grades in the mail; I don’t know. But my parents, who paid for college, never asked me about my grades. I am forever grateful for that. My grades improved; I went to professional school, where I did very well academically.
@rosered, you probably never had to doubt that your kids were going to class and actually enrolled in a given semester. Sometimes there is a question… this kid sure isn’t going to tell his parents if there is a problem. Plus, your education didn’t cost as much as a house like it does today. The stakes are higher, and it is hugely expensive for kids to take extra semesters.
“your childrens’ .edu accounts are not separate from your bill-payer account?”
There might be a way to set them up that way, but no one told me about it (either school) so I just go in through their accounts. One daughter is fine with it, actually happy that I can access all kinds of things like her schedule and classes she can take. This summer she was a camp counselor and had little access to wifi, so I looked for other classes for her, etc. There was also quite a bit of financial aid stuff for both my kids and it is easier to look at financial aid pages rather than bills.
My other child isn’t as happy that I’m on her edu account until she wants me to do something for her. The school makes her change her password all the time, and that’s annoying for me as I then have to get the new one from her.
I admit my kids aren’t very responsible about following up on FA or bills or knowing deadlines. They think the Tuition Fairy (me) just takes care of it all. We’re having a little issue right now as one’s tuition is due on Friday and she hasn’t completed all FA forms, which I know because I can get on her account!
Our oldest tanked her first semester of college and we had to pull her out and make her earn her way back. It was unexpected, she had been an honor student. It was not easy to do, for her or for us. To make things worse, earning her way back meant taking some courses at the local CC and earning certain minimum grades. She did not achieve that-by a half a grade-so we had to walk the walk and not yet let her return. The next term she took two online courses from her university and just squeaked by with the right grades…but she did it, so she got to go back. It is difficult and painful to follow through with consequences but it is important to remember it is in your student’s hands. We have to give it to them and let them own it. It is not our fault if our children don’t do what they need to do to get from us what they want from us.
College is a gift, not a right, even if it is a presumed standard in your family.We are a financially comfortable family and a college degree from a strong school is a standard. At the same time, the education needs to be valued by the child. It is not just four more years on Mom and Dads’ dime-it is an opportunity we are offering that we are not obligated to provide.
Our second child, a son, just returned from studying abroad as a sophomore. He had a great experience but neglected to do much of the studying part. He is now on probation with us. We weren’t even sure about letting him go back to school this term (having gone through what we have with his older sister, we get to the end zone a lot quicker). We have the right to choose to not throw our money at a sinking ship. We would still love him if he decided to become a beach bum but we don’t have to support him. He panicked realizing he might lose it and ultimately we felt he woke up with a seriousness of purpose.
We can’t tell our children how to live their lives but we do have the right to decide how we spend our money. That includes establishing minimum acceptable standards in exchange for funding the education. It also includes requiring access to their school accounts. As long as you are paying for it, you have the right to set that as a requirement. It is not unreasonable. If you were investing your money elsewhere, you would expect to be able to keep track of what was happening with it.
I understand not having everything figured out before he went off to school. Some situations you just can’t anticipate and you are writing the rules as you move along. Been there. Done that. Doing that. (but thrilled that #3 and #4 seem to be on very different paths…and may even end up at Ivies. We so look forward to THEIR college experiences!).
It is a natural transition time in your relationship and you are both experiencing conflict and uncertainty about how to move through it. That does not give him the right to be rude or abusive and his doing so definitely raises red flags. The 20 year old nephew of one of the CC community’s most active members committed suicide a week ago. He was in college, doing well, much loved and respected. His life was good from the outside. Even in hindsight, his life was good. This family is so shaken by the fact they had no idea anything was wrong. Your son has exhibited some concerning behavior. Don’t step back now.
I suspect that he was charging people’s drinks, they were giving him cash, and the cash is being used for pot and other cash purchases.
On the subject of not being able to get information about him from his college, schools handle it differently but ultimately, they won’t give information to you without you and he going through a lot of red tape. We’ started off trying to go through their hoops and follow all the rules, but we’ve gotten to where we just make sure our kids give us their passwords and direct access. No game playing with university personnel who are hogtied by FERPA.
We make it part of their 18th birthday celebration that they sign some power of attorney and medical care directives paperwork so that in the event something happens to them, our right to care for them and to make decisions is not up for debate. Contrary to what the law or university personnel would have you believe, they do not wake up and have all the answers the morning of their 18th birthday.
In fact, this generation is probably less prepared than any generation before to be on their own. For one reason, because we helicoptered too much. For another reason, because we have achieved the most comfortable economic standards as a generation so most of our kids haven’t known hunger and don’t have a need to work hard. And because this generation has grown up with too much technology, they don’t have impulse control, patience or adequate social and problem solving skills.
So while the university will bill you and expect you to pay for your kid’s tuition and your kid can’t apply for loans in their own name because they are considered your dependent while they are in college, on the morning of their 18th birthday, they suddenly know it all and you are legally cut right off.
I’m not saying that OP shouldn’t be concerned about her son’s behavior; just that there are different ways to approach the issue of grades. As for OP, I think the bigger issue is the money and its relationship to the son’s social activities, which might suddenly disappear (appropriately, but still possibly painfully) when his financial contributions to his “friends” disappear.
For some subject related levity-this will bring a laugh or two: http://www.buzzfeed.com/pablovaldivia/18-texts-your-mom-definitely-sent-you-during-college?utm_term=.uvNOEyE4Nj#.pn2NOMMXB
“The first few weeks of freshman year, there was a wall of silence. I’m sure I pushed some boundaries and made some mistakes, but mostly we tried to give him space. I was mournful (hadn’t seen the dogs turn into cats story at the time, makes perfect sense now). Then, somewhere about 8 weeks into freshman year, he asked us all to come visit him over a weekend. He had established his own life, and now was ready to welcome us in – and get well-fed and pampered at the same time. That initial space is important for them, especially when they enter college aware that there was more hand-holding in high school than is the norm and feel compelled to be more assertive in their independence.”
^^ this!!!
This wall of silence appens SO OFTEN to the parents of sons that I wish I could send this post to all those parents [ spoken by a once frantic but now relaxed, former helicopter mom] .
It means that you WILL get your son back in due time, albeit a more mature grownup version of him, and he will appreciate you letting him grow up by allowing him to learn from his own mistakes and by observing the trials and errors of his peers. We cant protect our children forever.
Trust in your son- if he was a good kid in HS, he will [ eventually] show himself to be a good man.
Let him know, in no uncertain terms, that you have confidence in HIM- it will make it FAR easier for him to develop confidence in HIMSELF, if he knows you have his back.
"The good news is, you have launched your kid. The bad news is, you have launched your kid. "
Truer words were never spoken.
OP, we have YOUR back!
{{{{ Hugs}}}}
Don’t look for books for him on Amazon if has not asked for your help. That’s intrusive.
You don’t have access to his grades due to FERPA. This is the law. It’s the same at your daughter’s university, whether you are aware of it or not. Your son would have to sign a FERPA release to allow you to see his grades.
By the way, you will not be contacted, nor will a doctor of nurse talk to you on the phone if your over-18 child is in the hospital—unless your child consents at the time, or if you have a medical power of attorney signed in advance (in case he is incapacitated). This is because of medical privacy rules of HIPAA.
Just a caveat- not every college posts grades throughout the semester. My son’s grades were only posted once, after finals. Not only that, but he had several classes were midterm (usually paper) wasn’t known for many weeks. He only had a vague idea in most classes how he was doing. Because i needed to access billing info, he signed necessary papers for me to do that so I had my own password but I still could only see final semester grades. I never had to see them because he was always home on break when they were posted and he would tell us.
We had both kids sign a springing power of attorney before they headed to college last year at the recommendation of a lawyer friend. Only takes effect if they are incapacitated. Hopefully something we never have to use.
Ask him what he thinks is a fair amount to receive weekly/monthly. If it’s a reasonable request - do that. If not, negotiate something that works for both of you.
On grades, My son’s school allows him to tailor my view. My account shows me his current enrollment and semester grades. (of course money owed) I think that’s appropriate for the age. He can’t get too far off track without my knowledge.
The POA is a good idea, especially for medical situations. I don’t have one.
Tufts had a parent portal that allowed us to see what our kid was signed up for and end of the term grades. I think it was also where I went to put money in the account he used to make photocopies and do laundry. (Jumbo dollars or some such.) There was no way to see how he was doing on quizzes or midterms - and I didn’t need to see that anyway we had a once a week Skype call set up (10 minutes or so) and we usually had a general idea of how he was doing and what he was up to.
My experience in college was that I had to work hard for A’s but it was super easy to get a B.
We do texts a lot. I am totally OK with him either calling or texting once a week or two. The communication needs to be open. My boys do not talk a lot. I have to set a kitchen timer to have them sit down and talk 5 minutes when they get home from school. 
The lack of communication is normal but I think the call blocking, use of 400 with no real explanation and the lack of respect is of concern. You are his mom and you also seem very nice. He is lucky to have someone like you on his side. I know he needs to spread his wings but he can be nice about it.
Same here…Not like HS with lots of homeworks, test, projects throughout the semester. College has very few items and a lot of classes nothing gets posted until the end.
We just did the same with both of our kids.
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I don't know ... the magic age of 18 as the cut off seems bizarre.
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@collegemom999999 Are you a native-born American? I’m sensing that maybe you’re an immigrant???
You seem surprised by the fact that colleges won’t release grade info about an 18 year old (adult). I thought that was more widely known…and even if not, it’s often mentioned at Orientation. Was there a parent session?
You can insist to your child that you have access to grades if you’re paying for college. Many/most parents do that.
Is this your only child? Was it this thread or another one where an older DD is mentioned?
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Well, last night I sent him a short, brief email explaining that I was limiting the credit card. (I know a debit card would have been better, but he doesn't have one) and that every week, I would put $ on it ( so, it is a little like a debit card).
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How is the CC limited? Did you call and have the limit reduced? What do you mean by saying that you put $ on it? It’s a CC. What’s to stop him from charging more?
It’s not hard to get a debit card. His school may have a bank on campus.
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He doesn’t have time for a job. And to protect his privacy I would rather not say his activity, but it is officially 20 hours a week, however it is really over 30 hours due to travel and unofficial time. Year long activity at school. Vacations except Thanksgiving and Xmas are on the road with school.
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Ok…this is starting to make sense. He’s an athlete or similar, and the “older students” are team-mates who are enjoying his (parents’) money. I was wondering what linked him to the older students…now it’s more clear…he’s part of some “group” that, of course, has older students in it.
@emilybee, my kid’s college has two different systems. One for billing, course registration, tracking major and requirements completion, seeing final grades, requesting transcripts, etc.
Then a completely different system with info for each class (announcements, assignments, a Dropbox for turning in assignments, and ongoing grade info during the semester). Not all the teachers put grades in as the semester goes along, but a lot do.
Separate Ids and passwords. I feel like most colleges have something like this now. I suspect some kids may not tell their parents about the second one, though.