Need advice with daughter

Parents Forum
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<p>H and S made college visits FUN- they golfed at several schools. I know other Mom's who make the visits a shopping excursion, explore thrift shops.</p>

<p>I left a many guide books around, but both kids were rebellious and never read them in my sight- so she may read them but not in front of you. Put one in bathroom- a fun one- Yale Insider's Guide a good one.</p>

<p>And, definitely limit college chat- use CC for obsession. My S requested I only talk colleges on weekends LOL ....(he was right)</p>

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<p>Thanks for all the good advice. I hope you are all right, and I might have come off as if I am pressuring her, this realization I have come to has been from about 4-5 conversations on the subject, so I don't think it was overkill. It was my observations and her lack of even inquiring that worried me. So its not as if I've been on her back non stop, I said my peace with her, and told her my feelings on what her responsibilities are, if her dad and I are to finance this for her, we will only do so much, (we have 3 younger sibs to consider), she has to take some responsibility in this. Her highschool application deadline is October 1st, (Im sure the guidance counselors do that to give time to collect missing pieces) but they have to be on the desks of the counselors by then. So taking into consideration the two Siemans projects are going to eat up nearly her entire summer writing them, I figured now in her free time she would even look at websites, narrow it down to some, maybe get a few visits in over the summer, not start looking over the summer.</p>

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<p>CBK: Another good point. It is NOT too soon to start talking finances with your D. Fill out the FAFSA calculator (at Finaid.com) and give her a number that she can work with (for example, "we will pay $X per year"). Have this conversation very seriously with her. Sit her down with mom and dad. Make sure she understands that her options might be (for example) her state U, a mid-priced private or out-of-state public with financial aid, or a private with merit aid. If she needs merit money she will certainly need to get engaged in the process.</p>

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<p>As most of us w/ teenaged kids have found from time to time, the harder we push, the more resistance gets built. First of all, I'd advise NOT to get all wrapped up in the competitive college frenzy here on CC. As other, wiser people have said on this site, there are something like 2500 colleges other than the top ones you see here that are very good, will give your kid an excellent education, and don't require kid or mom to spend sleepless nights worrying about getting in.</p>

<p>That said, your D has good grades, has excellent research background, and with a bit of a boost in SAT scores could be very competitive. But, if she doesn't want to be competitive, lighten up a bit. She'll probably get sucked into the college frenzy come fall, when all the seniors are going through the same thing, and the guidance counselors at school will be asking questions, and getting forms filled out, etc.. It isn't absolutely necessary to make all the college visits this summer (it is something you could allocate next year's spring break to, for example). If she really doesn't know where she wants to study, I'd suggest someplace that will give her lots of opportunities to test the waters, and then focus. The stats on the number of kids who change their majors while in college is huge. </p>

<p>Using the USNWR guide, you can see where she fits in, based on grades, class rank, and SATs. She should prob consider NEU, based on her research experience there, and look at what public U's are options in your areas. If she really doesn't get much more focus to her, then starting out at a very affordable larger public U isn't a bad option. With her grades and background w/ Siemens, I doubt if Community College would be the optimum choice for her. Good luck. Just don't sweat it so much.....things will work out.</p>

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<p>I don't think it's unusual for juniors to not want to think about colleges. So on the one hand I wouldn't worry, on the other hand I think NSM has a point too. Your daughter is young and may well benefit by taking time off. You don't have to make that decision now though. You can even apply to colleges and then take a gap year if it seems warranted. Most colleges allow, some even encourage delaying admission for a year. I graduated high school at 16 and the best gift my parents gave me was a strongly encouraged year off in France living with a French family. Have you thought about incentives for SAT studying? I think it would be a good idea for her to take it again in June, but only if she's willing to do a little prep work.</p>

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<p>I also think your D has impressive accomplishments to date and will become more motivated about her college search, perhaps as h.s. academic pressures ease off. I concur with the advice to lie low for awhile. However, I do agree with weenie that you will need to give her some very explicit structure to her search and what I mean is the financial reality. It will help her focus her search, making the task manageable, if she has a clear idea of what you and she can afford regarding college for her and her siblings. You should figure out your EFC and start reading the excellent threads in CC on which colleges offer merit aid to students such as your daughter. Then research those colleges. She (and you) should find out all your options for an affordable private college education in addition to your options for public (with honors programs) universities. </p>

<p>She sounds like she will be busy over the summer, but I would suggest you fit in a SAT prep class and have her retake it in the fall. A boost in SAT scores would not hurt if applying for merit aid is going to be important to her options. </p>

<p>One thing I wondered is, do you think she has fallen in love with NEU? Some kids turn off to the college search if they've decided they already know where they want to go and feel confident about the choice. These days, though, you want them to feel comfortable about a range of college choices, not be settled on just one.</p>

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<p>I can recommend having your D invite a friend along to visit colleges, as long as you're willing to let them tour campus' without you. Worked for us.</p>

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<p>During February break I did take her friend with us to visit a few, let them do their own thing, both were all full of talk about it during the car ride home, etc., then zippo. Again she is deep, so who knows what is going on in her mind. Will let it coast and see what evolves overtime. Husband and I already did the talk about what we can give her, and anything more will have to come from her efforts, so she knows the financial aspect,having debt versus little/no debt after school, as well as her guidance counselor telling her so in regards to SAT scores. </p>

<p>As far as falling in love with NE, don't think so, likes Boston, but not the fact it is part of Boston, meaning in the heart of the city itself/fringes. Rather seems to prefer nearby a city, but not actually in it.</p>

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<p>Have her fill out the online college "matchmaker" sites- there's a Counselor-o-matic on Princeton Review that takes her inputs (where, how big, whether sports/art/music/whatever are important to her, what HER grades and scores are, majors, etc) and comes up with a list. </p>

<p>I think there are other online matching sites too. They are kind of fun for the kids to do, and it gets them started thinking about what they want out of college.</p>

<p>She doesn't sound too out of the ordinary to me- if anything she sounds like she's preparing herself well for college and should do just fine. I can remember going through the application process back then and really didn't care where I went as long as it was coed and away from home. I came up with one college and my parents came up with the other two, I filled out the apps by hand one night and that was that. Oh, and took the SAT once without preparing. I don't think I was an undeserving bum. I think I was pretty typical. THE TIMES have changed, but people haven't. Kids still have the same mindsets, but unfortunately it's much more complicated and challenging now.</p>

<p>My son refused to prep for the SAT. I wouldn't make that a condition for going to college. After taking the SAT once, he was happy with the scores but I went ahead and signed him up for twice more (only increased by 60 points) He also, like myself, came up with one college and after prodding, added two more. We came up with the rest, but he still wants to go to the one, first college he named. I'm sure he'll do great. I don't consider him to be unready or apathetic, I think he acts pretty normal for a 17/18 year old. He's still in high school, doing well academically, playing varsity sports, and doing the senior year pre-graduation fun stuff.</p>

<p>If I did a survey at our highschool, MOST parents would say that they had to do a lot, most, or all of the footwork themselves, other than actually TAKING the tests or writing the essays (some admit to filling out the other parts of the applications). The kids who do it all themselves are in the minority. The rest require varying degrees of backside kicking.</p>

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<p>CBK, My junior son started off like gangbusters with the whole college thing. Just when I was congratulating myself that he was going to be SUCH an active participant in the college planning process.... he just stopped. </p>

<p>I'd be tearing my hair out too at this point except I remember similar stops and starts with my daughter, who, by the way, is now a very happy college freshman.</p>

<p>The "college stall" is EXTREMELY common among kids -- they're happy with their lives and don't really want to think about upsetting the apple cart by worrying about college right now. </p>

<p>Think of it this way: if your husband (or wife) came home this evening and plunked a pile of brochures for retirement communities down in front of you and then insisted that you pick a list of retirement options RIGHT NOW, you'd probably freeze up too, and hope that if you ignored him long enough he would just go away because, frankly, retirement seems a long way off.</p>

<p>Parents and students tend to move in different time zones when it comes to college planning. We're thinking it's too late, they're thinking it's way too soon. A few kids may be at the starting gate immediately, some may take a while longer (sometimes a LOT longer) to be able to visualize "what comes next." But most kids will eventually get on the bandwagon (some just days before applications are due ;) ). </p>

<p>Right now, I'd tell your daughter that she does need to sign up to take the SAT in either May or June, and perhaps I'd schedule a few campus visits over the summer, but I wouldn't worry too much if she's not yet ready to pick up the Fiske Guide and start drawing up a college list. As her friends start talking more about colleges, and the guidance counselor starts bugging her about her plans, she'll most likely start to realize this isn't going away, and start the wheels spinning.</p>

<p>In the meantime, you can be diverting your energies away from her and towards doing the research you'll need to help guide her next fall. </p>

<p>I'd also advise you to stock up on the one ESSENTIAL tool that every parent needs to have on hand as their children go through the process - a roll of good strong duct tape. That's for keeping our mouths from saying what we really think as our kids process and chew on things at their own speed. :)</p>

<p>Hang in there. It WILL work out.</p>

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<p>I'm thinking that the testing advice here is way too focused on the SAT ... Is the 1900 on the SAT in line with the PSAT score? (about the same or better?). If so, I really think your daughter is better off taking the ACT+Writing in June -- if she does well with that, she will be DONE with testing for the majority of colleges, though it is still a good idea to take any SAT II that corresponds with course work this year. Many students who do not do as well as expected on the SAT find the ACT to be more attuned to their thinking style. </p>

<p>If she wants to test again in the fall, then having an ACT score in hand as well as an SAT will provided much better guidance as to which test to choose.</p>

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<p>You wrote:
"She is a pretty decent student, 94 uwa average, has 4 AP classes this year, took one last year. Is in a Science Research in the high schools program, will graduate with 12 college science credits. Is/will be entering 2 research projects in the Siemans Westinghouse Competition in the fall. "</p>

<p>WOW!!!! And she is just16 years old! Maybe she is already overwhelmed and just cannot process a major life change on top of all the balls already in the air.</p>

<p>I agree with others - give her some time and space. Visit schools this summer but give her space right now. My son had no interest in discussing schools his Jr year - but by winter of his senior year going through the motions of visiting paid off.</p>

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<p>At this stage maybe the best thing is to just to ask your daughter to think about college preferences in the most general of ways, e.g., what do you think you'd like? urban vs. rural; large vs. small; very competitive (high achievers like herself) vs. more of a mix of people; close to home or far from home; just liberal arts programs or more comprehensive? etc. Just make this list of questions and leave them with her, don't apply any pressure. Whether she talks to you about her thoughts right away or not, she will certainly come to some internal decisions that should aid the application/decision process later. Apart from this, I think a year off for many kids this age, especially if spent out in the working world, can be fantastic.</p>

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<p>If you HS has a science research program, chances are it's a school with a college prep focus .. with many juniors who are ultra focused on college. Chances are your child is talking about...or listening to talk about...colleges all the time! Maybe her reaction at home is either a backlash to the constant discussion at school...or just wanting some down time when she's at home.</p>

<p>In some of these type of HS, kids meet with the school counselor in their junior year...sometimes with parents...to discuss college options. Do your school's counselors meet with the kids in their junior year? Lots of discussion on this site about good and bad guidance counselors...but it is possible you could get some insight from the counselor that might be helpful.</p>

<p>If your daughter is also going to enter her research in Intel/STS they require a bunch of essays....due around when ED/EA apps are due...and before RD apps...so that could help with "forcing" the work on the essays.</p>

<p>As for visiting schools...I know a kid who was very involved in research during junior and senior year. Wouldn't go visit any schools..not even local ones for a "feel" of urban school, large school, small school etc. Applied to a handful of schools...got into 4. Was very happy with choices.</p>

<p>I agree with the poster who suggested allowing your own concern about this process be released through CC! Don't put too much pressure on your daughter...she'll either come around to your thinking, or will find she needs the gap year.</p>

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<p>Hi, I haven't read all the posts, but you have received some great advice.</p>

<p>CC advice is often like the blind men and the elephant, everyone is describing the same thing with a slightly different perspective. You know your child best, and there is no right way to do this (although there are some wrong ways!). This is the time to put all those years of knowledge of her to work, to guide without being overwhelming, be a coach.</p>

<p>You must do the money analysis, and have the money talk with her, regardless of which direction she finally takes - the money talk is too important, and it is time, before she starts any searches or decisions. It may not be the last money talk, it is just the first, the absolute financial requirements, if there are any.
My personal take is that a couple of low key visits, preferably to very different schools, are never wasted with any kid considering college. Even if the child only responds in grunts and eyerolls, some information is being stored away. If you don't get any feedback after those visits, or if the kid seems totally uninterested, time to back off.</p>

<p>A student who is academically oriented enough to be involved in Siemens, probably has plans, maybe not well formed plans, but plans nonetheless, that she has never shared with you. Fodder for the guidance counselor visit.</p>