<p>you might also want to read this thread <a href="http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?p=2913554#post2913554%5B/url%5D">http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?p=2913554#post2913554</a></p>
<p>I agree with NSM
It isn't doing her any favors to have her parents clean up her messes for her.
If she is so fragile that she needs to have others handle it, then that is a different matter, but then I would wonder why she was there in the first place.
Transitions are hard for many of us, but if we have carefully made our decisions, then unless the information we used was totatlly incorrect, our decisions should still be valid.
Having her turn around and come back home at this point, just because she is uncomfortable, in my mind, could set a precedent, that any time things dont go smoothly means it is time to bail.</p>
<p>Our friends drove 2 hours to drop their daughter off at college. Her new roomate is a local girl and spent her first night back at home! Our friends' daughter spent her first night with her parents in their hotel room! Different kids have differing seperation issues/anxiety. I hope your daughter can give it a little more time and maybe she will be able to adjust. Meanwhile you have my sympathy. This is a really tough situation.</p>
<p>where did the OP go?</p>
<p>I don't agree with NSM or emeraldkity
She is having trouble making a huge transition. It won't help if her parents are unsupportive. I'm not saying that her parents should try to do everything for her. The opposite actually, but they should say: "You are an adult now, but if you need us, we will always be there for you."</p>
<p>No one is saying to stop taking her calls. I am saying that she should be held responsible. If she feels after 3 days of college that she needs to move out, then she needs to do the hard work of finding an apartment and/or a job and paying back to her parents any expenses that they are out of pocket for due to her hasty decision.</p>
<p>That's what adults need to do when they decide to back out of a commitment. My guess is that if her parents give her this kind of support, then she'll realize that it's far less work to find a way of adjusting to dorm life, something that most students manage to do despite the inevitable challenges. She also can use the college's counseling center to get emotional support.</p>
<p>Of course, if she has a history of clinical depression, then I would suggest that the parents handle the situation like they would any other medical emergency. However, thus far, based on the OP's posts, the D simply sounds like a young woman who's facing the typical challenges of moving away from home. One helps such people by listening to them, and helping them think of realistic alternatives such as getting out of their dorm room and meeting others by going to club meetings, etc. One doesn't help them by supporting their plans to back out of a situation that they haven't given much of a chance to.</p>
<p>Most adults will have to be in new situations: new jobs, new communities, etc. Many people learn how to handle such things through their experiences in college.</p>
<p>I don't think that being supportive necessarily means bailing her out and allowing her to reverse her decision.</p>
<p>My daughter was pretty stressed during her first week on campus. She wasn't at the point where she was begging to come home, but she was crying.( she stayed to graduate and now lives within a few miles of her campus)</p>
<p>I think it is important for students to learn, if they haven't already, that they have reserves of fortitude, that they can learn to adjust and make a situation work for them.</p>
<p>I don't know what the history has been, whether this girl is so emotionally fragile that she can't withstand a less than optimum situation, or if her past history has been controlled to the point, where she hasn't had to go through a minutes boredom or discomfort.</p>
<p>Even if she does eventually decide to drop out, she needs to be able to feel that she did everything she could to make it work.
I think her parents can be supportive- ie active listeners, without enabling or encouraging her to reverse her decision</p>
<p>thank you all so much for all your advice.. She does not have room mate issues, her room mate is one of her good friends from home. She has told me that she feels like she doesn't know what she got herself into, that she feels like she just will never be able to be alone if she wants to, right down to using the bathrooms...she feels like she won't be able to concentrate on her school work like she would if she was home. For instance last night, there was a gathering for the incoming freshman ...and all the girls that she met opted to go to the bars instead. SHe understands the act of balancing her work load and social life, but she feels overwhelmed at the fact that everyone keeps their doors propped and it seems to her like it's constant socializing. We discussed how that will change one classes start tomorrow.</p>
<p>She is in a more quiet dorm (Merton) on the sixth floor, where students are placed that are at the above average level..so moving her elsewhere is not an option. </p>
<p>I think what has happened to her is that after all the excitment of setting up her dorm room ( with her friend/room mate). she took a real hard look at what life is going to be like and decided that it might just not be for her.</p>
<p>I'm sure it's alittle bit of homesickness, being anxious, overwhelmed and all those other great feelings, but I honestly think she feels like she made a tremendous mistake. How do you stay somewhere to study and work hard
if you know it's just not for you. I really don't think anything is going to change her mind and make her love this new life. SHe is a very strong, determined young lady, and I am very proud of all her accomplishments. SHe has maintained an A average through her entire HS years, is entering college already with 32 college credits, is not a pampered, spoiled little girl, and has had a steady job for the last two years. If she does come home, I know she will continue to make us proud. I just need to make sure she is proud of herself with her decision, that's the tricky part. Where is it written in stone that at 17 almost 18 you have to know what is right for you.</p>
<p>Well, encourage your daughter to stick it out for at least another month. Allow her to get over her homesickness. With that gone, she can take an honest look at her surroundings and decide whether they are really as bad as they seemed.
If they do seem just as bad one month from now, then she should consider transferring to another school.
If things are looking up...great!</p>
<p>To me it looks as though she has not found people with her attitude yet...but she has only been at school for 3 days! Once she gets to her classes (she should be in some advanced classes with all those credits!) she should find people like her. That will probably enlighten her. Tell her not to trust her first impression, especially because it's based on her dormmates.</p>
<p>just to clarify one thing, she is not "begging to come home" It just that in our conversations she is telling me that she is not happy there at all.</p>
<p>You are right that things will change when classes start. People keep doors propped open at the beginning of the year in order to meet people and reconnect with old friends.</p>
<p>If she's taking nursing, she'll be taking a rigorous curriclum and will likely meet students who are as serious as she is about their studies.</p>
<p>Many students find that it's difficult to study in dorms, so study in the library.</p>
<p>It still is far too early for her to know whether dorm life is for her. Even a month may not be enough because people will still be getting used to being in college and will still be learning the ropes and many will not yet be showing their true personalities (which may be far calmer than the party hearty ones that they show at the beginning of freshmen year).</p>
<p>If she leaves and lives at home (if that's a possibility) and commutes, she needs to also realize that it will be more difficult for her to make friends at college.</p>
<p>While she says that all of the girls whom she met at the mixer went to bars afterward, it's very unlikely that's what all of the girls did. She also is more likely to meet people who have things in common with her and her values if she joins some clubs, possibly clubs related to her major.</p>
<p>One last thing: Many of the really wild students are likely not to return after first semester because they'll flunk out.</p>
<p>Crissy:</p>
<p>What she is feeling is not at all unusual. Has she started classes yet? Perhaps once she focuses on these rather than on what she has left behind by coming to college, she will be in a more positive frame of mind.<br>
I would suggest lending a sympathetic ear, ask her exactly what she is not happy about, make suggestions for checking out activities, joining clubs, encourage her to hang in there for a few weeks, tell her that you and she will be able to get together soon (is there a Freshman Parent's Weekend coming up soon?). In other words, give the college and give herself a chance. You and she will review things in a few weeks and if things still do not work out, you will devise something together.</p>
<p>Good luck to both of you.</p>
<p>I hated college during Orientation.</p>
<p>I'm not particularly social. I needed some peace and quiet and a chance to be alone to collect myself, but during Orientation, it's hard to find a way to do this (or an excuse for it that doesn't sound obnoxious). The whole point of Orientation is to meet people and socialize, but for those who don't like to be with other people 24/7, the situation is extremely uncomfortable.</p>
<p>Once classes started, though, I had an excuse for disappearing. I needed to study. Because I like to study in a quiet environment, I developed the habit of studying in a nearly deserted study room in the student center. A few weeks later, I discovered that there was space for studying in the libraries as well. I could study or goof off and read magazines in these places for hours at a stretch before going back to the noise and chaos of the dorm. It's what kept me sane.</p>
<p>It wouldn't hurt for your daughter to ask the RA where she can find quiet study rooms on campus. There are bound to be such places somewhere.</p>
<p>has your daughter been away from home for extended lenghts of time before- camps, academic programs, traveling?</p>
<p>She is not happy after 3 days? This is life, this is college, this is being around of very excited girls who will start settling down soon....many kids study in the library, coffee shops, under trees...</p>
<p>My fear is that because she really hasn't given it a fair chance, she will never really know if this college experience is right for her...and sure many people live at home all through college, and do just fine, so that is not the issue, its jumping ship before giving it a real chance</p>
<p>Think about this, when you start a new job, go on vacation, move into a new house, start HS., it takes time to learn the hopes, settle in, and figure out how things work</p>
<p>I would suggest she stick it out until thanksgiving...give it the ole college try, she will most likely find her nitch, friends and everything will start to settle</p>
<p>good luck and I think she will be fine</p>
<p>crissyp: we recieved some time management advice from a coach on a recent college visit that your daughter might find useful once classes get going. He advises his athletes not to go back to their dorms during the day, but to use the time between classes to do homework in the library or other quiet place. He suggested they return to the dorm only after home work was pretty much done. Perhaps your daughter could find the space she needs in other parts of the campus during the day. With her work done she might find that she is free to enjoy the social aspect of the dorm. </p>
<p>I wish you and your daughter the best, and I hope she gives it some time before coming home. Most colleges will remit some of the tuition if the student withdraws by a certain time. You can probably get that info on the school's website.</p>
<p>Also, does she like to walk...run...exercise...she can put on some running shoes, some work out clothes and take some long walks around campus before classes start, get some fresh air, look around for quiet stufy places, be alone....if you are power walking or running or whatever, it gives you some alone thinking time, and what you want to bet she will see some others doing the same thing</p>
<p>I do understand the needing down time, the not feeling you constantly have to make idle chitchat, some time to decompress...my H takes his every SUnday afternoon, we all in our family kind of seperate at that time for processing of what happened and to plan for what is coming up</p>
<p>Your D just needs to get out, while the weather is nice, and do it, and find those places..suggest she walk her class route, time hikes to gym and cafeteria, etc...oriente herself with the school alone...</p>
<p>It serves two purposes and when she goes back to enthusiam of dorm, she may be up for some chit chat</p>
<p>My daughter called home several times a week throughout most of freshman year. She was miserable, came home often, and even came home once on a train that left at 2:00 am. She swore she was going to quit midway through her first semester, at Christmas break, and two weeks before the end of the school year. Despite all of that, she ended her freshman year with a strong GPA and submitted a late (May 15th) transfer application to Smith where she has justed started her sophomore year. She loves it and knows that she has found her fit. Unless your daughter is in danger of harming herself, she should fulfill the commitment of staying for the first semster and explore transfer options for second semester or next September. I have nieces that returned home after freshman year as nursing students at a school with a strong party reputation. It wasn't for them and they knew it early on, but stuck out the year and then transferred. She sounds like she is a strong capable young woman who will grow from the adversity and the challenge of finding her own way through this. We parents often want to "fix" things for our kids, but we really should step back and let them do it. When my daughter first talked about transferring, I compiled lists and due dates that she never acted upon. When I stepped back and told her it was up to her, she stepped up to the plate and did everything she needed to get into Smith. She really owned it and is reaping the rewards of that choice.</p>
<p>Chrissy, other posters have offered really good advice. Is your daughter more of an introvert by any chance? Then finding a quiet place to study or relax would help. When one of my kids wanted to quit something, I always gave them an "out" but it usually was after some specific period of time. If it was some kind of music lesson, I'd say let's stop after the month we've already paid for. (This was when they were very young) Usually, by then they liked what they were doing and wanted to continue. </p>
<p>The other issue is short term vs long term feelings. If you allow/encourage her to come home now, she may feel relieved at first. But later, she may regret not trying to stick it out a while -- she may feel like she's failed, and I think that would be harder to cope with. I think being supportive, reflecting her feelings, and visiting if possible would help. If she says, "I'm lonely but I'm surrounded by people" you might respond in a way that validates her feelings without enhancing them. Good luck!</p>
<p>The Val of S's class started out at a highly regarded private a year ago. She called after the first week saying she was very unhappy and wanted to come home. The school was less than 2 hours from home so her parents told her she was welcome to come home as many weekends as she wanted but that she would have to complete the semester at the school (hoping that she would settle in and change her mind).</p>
<p>She remained adamant that she wanted to transfer. She left the school after first semester, moved back home and commuted to our local state u branch while reapplying to our flagship state u for this fall. </p>
<p>She was admitted and is now happily settled in the dorm with some high sch. friends and attending a highly ranked state school.</p>
<p>Her Mom is one of my friends and I thought they did the right thing insisting that she complete the first semester and then re-evaluate.</p>
<p>My son was so home sick. He did stick it out and was happy by Halloween, thrilled by Thanksgiving. I will say a prayer for her. I think looking back it was much harder on me than my son. They are at their worst on the phone with you.</p>