<p>man i know a grl at my teen adventure camp(11 days only) WHO COMPLAINED THE WHOLE TIME didnt get to enjoy the whole camp experience of 11 days...im a teenager but...seriously use this girl as a example...DONT Complain constantly about being homesick dont cry a lot get out there and chat...do something that would allow ur kids to make friends..as for this grl most people were nice to her b/c they felt sry 4 her...she was annoying as hell in the tent we shared w/ 2 other grls</p>
<p>"The school was less than 2 hours from home so her parents told her she was welcome to come home as many weekends as she wanted but that she would have to complete the semester at the school (hoping that she would settle in and change her mind)."</p>
<p>I think it was great that her parents told her to stick it out. It would have been even better if they'd said she could come home once a month instead of as many weekends as she wanted.</p>
<p>Unless she was at a commuter school where no one is around on the weekends, it was too bad that she left campus so often because during the weekends was when she could have gotten involved in some ECs and had more of a chance to make friends on campus.</p>
<p>All of Northstarmom's advice is very sound. It's important that you convey to your D that her feelings are fairly normal and a lot of other students are feeling the same way regardless of how they come across. Set a goal that she stick to the commitment for the first semester and re-evaluate the situation at that time. Most likely, she'll have a different outlook since by then she'll be attending classes, doing homework, have established a core group of friends, maybe become invlved in clubs, and have a routine down. I also agree that if you're within a reasonable driving distance you might want to meet er for lunch and spend a couple of hours with her.</p>
<p>I think sometimes we parents and others go overboard speaking excitedly about our kids going off to college and moving into the dorm. We pump them up so much that a day after they move in they can easily become 'deflated' when the reality of dorm living and living away from home sets in. They just need to wait for the rebound.</p>
<p>mom, you know your own child best. I'm hearing posts from hardliners here, and perhaps they're right, but listen to your heart. My shy D was homesick when she went away to a Catholic girls' boarding school. The student services people kept assuring me it was normal, just wait, she'll be fine, etc. D presented a brave front in public, did great in classes, but called me in tears many, many times, wishing she could come home but knowing the tuition was paid and feeling honor-bound to stay. She hated the dorm life. Hated the lack of privacy. Hated eating in the dining commons. We were strongly advised by everyone to leave her in school so she wouldn't feel she'd failed. Then in March, the school nurse called to tell us D was being hospitalized with severe, life-threatening malnutrition. She'd stopped eating and was down to 78 lbs. Passive suicide attempt? Yeah, that's how it looked to us. I was on the next plane and had her home the same day, where she recovered nicely.</p>
<p>Now D is gone again, her first year at college. She has matured, is on medication, and seems fine. I'm paying close attention.</p>
<p>Listen to your heart.</p>
<p>celloguy:</p>
<p>There's a big difference in the age and maturity factor for a college age person and a much youger one in boarding school. Yes, the OP needs to pay attention to extreme issues but the OP indicated that the problem isn't this severe. It's also only been 3 days.</p>
<p>Has she been away from home before? Summer camp, youth programs, scouts? If not, this may come into play in this new college experience.</p>
<p>All of the advice that has been given is sound. You might want to try to channel your conversations in a positive way and see if she does have anything positive to report. One thing that camp directors always tell parents of new campers is that they are at "their worst" when they call home. Often times a camper is crying on the phone and five minutes later having a great time, not even thinking about the call.</p>
<p>If there is no history of depression, I would truly encourage your daughter to stick it out for the semester. Thirty-somewhat years ago, I called home the first week of college begging for a plane ticket, saying that I had made a terrible mistake and would never make friends there.</p>
<p>My own kids have grown up vacationing with my roommates and their children.</p>
<p>By choosing to room with a friend from home, it sounds like your daughter needed a security net. How is that friend doing? If she is off making new friends and socializing, that may be intimidating to your daughter as well.</p>
<p>Do contact the RA confidentially and ask for some feedback as to whether your daughter truly seems unhappy all of the time.</p>
<p>Crissy,</p>
<p>What I hear from your daughter is concern that she won't be able to study well in her dorm. Our son also had that concern. In his freshman year, he lived in what is generally considered a party dorm even though he was a diligent student. (Like many kids, he didn't get his first preference in dorm room.) There was a lot of socializing and noise on his floor and he worried that he wouldn't be able to concentrate and do well in his studies.</p>
<p>For our son, it was hard going but he survived. Instead of the comfortable and calm environment he was used to at home, he lived in the equivalent of a bus station with constant activity and noise. The higher levels of noise and socializing in his dorm made it harder for him to study and sleep the way he did at home. He struggled emotionally as a result, especially from anxiety, and was homesick. However, he survived and developed a better ability to concentrate and, as a bonus, he learned not to procrastinate since he never knew what distraction might occur.</p>
<p>I hope your daughter decides to keep trying. Good luck.</p>
<p>The first week/weekend at college can be a crazy time, with most students acting like puppies let off the leash for the first time (a bit out of control!) Things typically settle down. My daughter also hated the commotion and privacy intrusion. The advice above is sound, suggesting she find quiet places on campus between classes, and even after class (especially if there are comfy reading chairs in the library). If she's close enough to home, perhaps you can occasionally meet her for lunch, just to cheerfully chat, until she's feeling more comfortable. To some, perhaps this might sound coddling - But for some kids, they truly need to be eased out into college life, not doing well with the sink-or-swim method. My daughter just started sophomore year and has found her niche there, very independent and happy.</p>
<p>
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There's a big difference in the age and maturity factor for a college age person and a much youger one in boarding school.
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<p>Agreed. As I said, four years later, with therapy and meds, my D seems to be okay. However, my point was this: despite all the jolly stiff-upper-lip encouragement to stick it out no matter what, nobody -- not student services, not posters on LJ -- will have as good a grasp of what a student is really feeling, and what the child's response is likely to be, as his/her parents will. The "experts" like to assert that they know best and that parents shouldn't intrude, often intimidating or shaming parents into withdrawing. In college, the health and counseling staff are actually forbidden by law to give parents any feedback. My post wasn't intended to liken my D's problems to the crissyp's D, and certainly not to scare anybody about suicide. Rather, I wanted to make it clear that, in my limited experience, trusting professional student services staff to act in loco parentis isn't always wise.</p>
<p>Is crissy's D an only child?</p>
<p>we faced somewhat the same situation with our first daughter and in retrospect handled it badly. We reasoned that the first week would be terrible the next few weeks tough and that she would not begin to consider the place her home until after Thanksgiving. I don't know how old your daughter is but if she were mine, in retrospect, I would consider her simply not ready for college and encourage her to take a GAP year where all she was expected to do is mature a little. It isn't the money. Your best spent money at this point may well be the opportunity to do something interesting without pressure away from home. One never knows what burden of parental expectations go with these children of 17. She will make up the loss of time easily in the future. projected over a lifetime, the cost is trivial. By the way, Harvard, Yale etc all would encourage her to take a GAP year under the circumstances. To succeed in college requires heart for what you are doing. You have no downside letting her bail out for a year and quite a lot of risk in keeping her where she is if she is unhappy.</p>
<p>I second Paleozoic</p>
<p>will have as good a grasp of what a student is really feeling, and what the child's response is likely to be, as his/her parents will</p>
<p>I respectfully disagree- while that no- we don't know either the OP or her child, in many cases parents are actually too close to the situation to see clearly& may be giving unconcious signals that they don't expect the student to be mature and independent enough to be able to weather a bit of conflict/stress/noise and should run right back home.</p>
<p>If two weeks ago, the student was ready to attend college- I don't see what has happened to all of a sudden make that a bad decision.
Now it is possible that both the parents and student were already going down a road, where they suspected going off to college was a premature idea, but they ignored it.
In that case, then they should admit that they made a hasty decision and reevaluate. But if the reasoning was sound, then a little difficulty getting settled in, isn't reason to quit, not in my book anyway.
Heavens, if not knowing what to do was enough of an excuse, none of us would even have children!</p>
<p>If parents can be too close to a situation to see clearly, then whose judgment can be trusted?</p>
<p>I don't think in this case- the parents are too close- because afterall the OP was looking for additional feedback.
I don't think it is a case of "whose judgement can be trusted", because I would say in most cases, parents do want the best for their kids- but parents can also have a skewed viewpoint of the strengths and weaknesses of their child. We see situations through our own "goggles" especially in many cases those close to us</p>
<p>I'll also caution about how helpful student services may or may not be. My D was the victim of a violent crime in the summer before her senior year. She thought she was coping, but during the fall semester, she started having "flashback" experiences and severe anxiety. She went to the student counseling center, and was very disappointed. they seemed to want to look at a checklist of "normal" college student problems/anxieties, rather than working with the specific experience she had had. It sounded like cookbook counseling.</p>
<p>EK, yes, some parents can be too close to the situation, but it was me and her father that talked her through that year--the professionals were useless.</p>
<p>I don't disagree with any of the posts that went before, I'm sure they'd all be right about half the time. ;) Trust your gut, but make sure it's your gut talking- not your kid-missing heart. It could try and fool you. </p>
<p>I want to add that there is a slight possibility that (and I do mean slight) she may be feeling guilty for not being with you. Sometimes when the relationship is very close, the kid will feel conflicted when away from home and things can get very confused. My D went through this on a summer experience and told us about it several months later when we were discussing college and the maturity level required to be a plane flight away. D actually said she felt guilty (not really the right word, maybe "somehat sheepish", or "less than loyal"? ) about liking the freedom. She said it seriously curtailed her happiness at the event. </p>
<p>I'm just throwing this out there because it came as a shock to me. I would have never thought of it. We clearly needed to give her the reins and a pat on the butt and permission to be happy without needing us (as much) . By the time college rolled around , and other shorter experiences away (several of which were scholarship weekends) I think she had it handled just fine.</p>
<p>It's just a thought and may be way off base for your kid, but I thought it was worth mentionng . There's got to be someone's kid feeling this about now.</p>
<p>p.s. A word to parents of younger kids. Get them out of your care and control during their early high school years if only for a few days or weeks at a time. It helps more than you can imagine.</p>
<p>crissyp, this must be tearing your heart out. I noticed a couple of things about your posts. You indicate your daughter went to the social event for freshmen so she is at least trying to socialize. Then, you say that all the girls she met were more interested in going out to bars. I take it your daughter is a non-drinker/light drinker? Unless you have known a kid who is a non-drinker by their own choice, it is hard to understand how difficult it can be at some schools for them to feel comfortable. For all the talk about "even though there is a lot of drinking here, no one will look down on you if you don't drink" it is really difficult for anyone but another non-drinker to know how out of place you can feel when surrounded by so much substance aided socializing. It takes much longer to find other non substance users to connect with. </p>
<p>Also, privacy and quiet seems to be a big issue for your daughter. I suggest she monitor the bathrooms for a couple of days after classes start. Generally, there is a time when most people don't use the showers - Late morning/early afternoon, suppertime, etc. It will mean she will have to change her routine but she might be more comfortable if she showers at that time. And earphones/earplugs can help with the quiet issue. My daughter learned staying in hostels that she has to carry and use earplugs if she was to sleep on a schedule that was best for her system. Since she is rooming with a friend, letting the friend know she needs quiet from 10PM on or something probably will work.</p>
<p>Frequently, it is best to sympathize with a childs seperation issues but give them 3 or 4 weeks to work them out. For some kids though, this doesn't work. The issues your daughter is having seem to be more than just homesicknesses. As others have suggested, this could be a situation of poor fit. If that turns out to be the case, can you brainstorm with your daughter what measures would help her stick out the semester or year. She needs to be involved in this decision. Are you close enough for her to come home and catch up on her sleep for the weekend? Can she find a location such as a special couch in the library, a big tree on nice days, etc where she can be alone for a couple hours each day? Maybe a care package from home? If she can finish the semester at least, she will have a better idea what kind of college might work better for her. It could be homesickness, it could be a poor fit, it could be she is a little young, or any one of a number of other reasons. It's hard to tell from a distance what the case is. One thing that may help you is ask your daughter to email you once a day with something good that happened, no matter how small. That will give you a tiny little piece of hope to hang on to and force your daughter to see the positive things. If you see both sides, it will be easier to help your daughter come up with measures that work to get her through this difficult time.</p>
<p>I want to thank you all for your support and great advice. </p>
<p>No my daughter is not an only a child..I have a 16 almost 17 year old son.</p>
<p>In the meantime, I did speak to her and she seemed "alittle" better and more focused. She wants to see how she feels after starting her classes tomorrow and also see what the weekend holds for her. This is a strong and determined girl, one who is not defeated easily. I think she just feels like she's living in a closet. She was not smothered and pampered at home and very independent in her own life. </p>
<p>RA's are great, and are trained and "paid" to make you feel better and to make you believe that you love the school. I'm not saying anything bad about RA's, but that is their job. I'm not trying to open a can of worms about RA's, but that is my feeling. </p>
<p>She will figure out what is right or wrong for herself. There is no history of family depression, I think she just has to figure out if college life and dorm living is for her. I'm sure she is not the only one who has ever felt this way and we are with her in whatever decision she makes and she knows that.</p>
<p>We are only one hour and 15 minutes from her school and can visit or she can come home whenever she likes, so it's not that much of a separation from us that her unhappiness stems from. </p>
<p>I would like to thank you all for your support and encouraging words, and will keep you updated on her decision.</p>
<p>Crissy</p>
<p>Keepmesame--I agree completely. As a nondrinker at the first college my D was at, which definitely had a social life that revolved around big keg parties, she had a really tough time. Actually, she ended up transfering to a school much more open to different social choices, and was much happier.</p>
<p>Chrissy--I don't mean that your D will need to transfer. Just that the party scene can be daunting for kids who make different choices. Hopefully, she will find those she is more in tune with, and then things will feel different.</p>