Need help making friends

College Life
1

<p>This is my first time opening up, I apologize in advance for the lengthy read but there is no easy way to explain my situation....</p>

<p>Some background: I am currently a sophomore at a huge state college, 20k+ students. The campus is very diverse, something like 35% whites, 40% Asians, 25% other. I come from a very simple, minimalistic background. I am White, not religious and I commute to school every day.</p>

<p>Throughout high school I was the awkward kid that never talked; I always kept to myself and was super shy. I had maybe 1 close friend who I haven't spoken too in over a year. When I started College I changed my persona and attitude, I started opening up and tried to meet new people. It sort of worked; I became friends with a few people during orientation. My first semester was great, had a great time and saw myself becoming more social and loving life. When the semester narrowed down everyone went home (all my "friends" lived out of state). Throughout the entire break I didn't speak to any of them.</p>

<p>The second semester started and everyone who I thought was my friend turned out that they weren't. Yes we said hi to each other and had small conversations, but I never hung out with them. The conversations we did have was always school related or them asking for help (I am a naturally smart person and I learn very quickly). Every day throughout the entire semester I went to class and went home right away. During my breaks I sat alone on my laptop in the commuter lounge. Summer was the exact same, I never hung out with anyone and was just alone in my room the entire time. The only reason I lasted this long (emotionally) is because of the two jobs I work…which doesn't help my social problem because they are computer programming jobs where I work from home.</p>

<p>Its already half way through this semester and nothing is different and I fear it will never change. It’s hard to describe what I am feeling but extreme loneliness is the closest I can describe it as, I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up...</p>

<p>Before people give the general "you just need to get out there and be friendly" bullshit type response let me describe what I have tried:
- When I started college I started going to the gym. I stayed at the campus gym throughout the first year. I currently go to the gym closer to my house as I gave up on the school gym because nothing was happening
- While in classes I try to start conversations with whoever sits next to me, nothing awkward but stuff that applies to the current class. Despite my attempts I have yet to carry on a conversation outside of class. Since the majority of my classes are 150+ students it makes it even harder
- I am currently a TA this semester helping out a lower level computer science class, I have a group of students who I am friendly with inside of recitation but that is it.
- Joining clubs or doing any type of sport is out of the question, I have no time and my schedule is shit
- I went to the school counselor about my problems, she said it was normal and part of the college experience. She also said I can hold a conversation perfectly fine without making it awkward...she even said I am sort of funny</p>

<p>Despite me being open, non-judgmental and helping others nothing seems to work. I understand that making friends is something that just happens, that you can't approach it systematically...if this is the case what am I doing wrong… I have yet to have someone walk up to me and start a conversation. I am always the one to start. It has reached a point where I stopped trying. I go to school and come home feeling depressed knowing whatever I do won't make a difference. I am not look for sympathy, but seeing everyone around me having fun, talking to each other and hanging out in groups makes the feeling even worse. </p>

<p>I am an average looking guy, I have proper hygiene and I dress like everyone else (jeans and a t-shirt). I try not to come across as desperate or wanting attention…I’m just an average guy that nobody seems to notice or want anything part of.</p>

<p>The only thing I can think off is too transfer to a less culturally diverse smaller school or live on campus, both of which I can't do…or accept the fact I am meant to be lonely and learn to live with it…which at this point seems like the only option.</p>

<p>If you made it this far without losing interest kudos to you lol…I am not expecting an immediate solution, if anything it felt good to write down my problems and to vent a little...well…a lot </p>

2

<p>If you don’t have time to join a club or a team, you are not setting yourself up in situations to spend time with people socially. I do think it is odd that you led with the ethnic mix of your school, and seem to blame your problems on that. Unless you have offended someone with comments (don’t see any reference to that) or personally do not want to hang out with people form another ethnic group, I don’t see that this is very relevant.</p>

<p>I think you missed your window second semester by not following up more with your friends from first semester. Seeing if they want to go out for food, sitting with them in the cafeteria, asking if they want to go to campus events, working on studying together if you have the same classes, seeing if they want to play cards or something on a weekend evening, etc. You need to not only start conversations, but put yourself in positions where you are spending time with other people.</p>

<p>My first suggestion would be trying to reconnect with those people from last year. Say you have been really busy with your schedule, but would like to hang out sometime. Try to set up something specific. </p>

<p>If you feel like you have to start over, then you are going to have to make time in your schedule to do things to meet new people. Volunteer for things on campus where they need help, sign up for a new activity, etc. Theater is one area where they always need volunteers, and students get to know one another really well (just an example). Another thing to consider is changing your housing situation. Does your college have special interest housing or co-ops? They can be friendly, welcoming places to meet people.</p>

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<p>Making friends is something that just happens when you’re a kid and going to school with the same 30 kids in your classes everyday. When you’re an adult, making friends is not something that “just happens.” For some people, the things you generally do to make friends just comes naturally, but for other people, it takes work.</p>

<p>The way to really make friends (and to maintain those friendships, rather than have them fizzle away as it seemed to have happened in your case) is to have repeated contact with the same people. I don’t think your old friends from college were never your friends. I think you just lost touch with them over the break. I suspect the same thing happened with your friend from high school. Out of sight, out of mind.</p>

<p>You can keep in contact with friends even when you live in different states. Text each other, chat on facebook, webcam, whatever your comfortable with. It doesn’t have to be excessive, but talking every once in a while can help.</p>

<p>Now that you’re back at school with them, invite them to do things. Have you invited them to hang out or are you waiting for them to invite you? What did they say when you asked them to do something? What did you guys do last semester? Why can’t you do the same things this semester?</p>

<p>It seems like you might have trouble maintaining friendships, and the only real way to do this is to do things with your friends. Invite them to hang out, see a movie, grab dinner or lunch, go to a school event, etc. It’s harder because you’re a commuter (how long is your commute?) so you can’t do spontaneous things with people around campus, but there’s no reason you can’t schedule something.</p>

<p>Something else I did that helped me become closer to some of my friends during college is to schedule things to do on a regular basis (this is great for people who have really busy schedules =D). We’d watch a TV show every week or once I took a piano class at night with one of my friends, where we’d carpool, have dinner, and then go to class. I took a rec class with another friend once. I did an intramural sport once with another friend. Even if you don’t have a friend who wants to do one with you, taking a rec class or playing an intramural sport can be a great way to meet new people and see them regularly throughout the semester. Invite people to grab lunch or do something fun over the weekend.</p>

<p>Another thing that might help is getting a job where you work with other students. An on campus job in a dining hall or the library or the student center or any other job where you work with other students can be a great way to meet new people and you’ll often be scheduled regular shifts with the same people. Just talking to people during work often isn’t enough though. Find some common interests and invite them to do something related to that.</p>