My friend’s daughter went to a smaller school. Friend personally interviewed each disability services office, laid out the whole plan, arranged special housing, etc. Didn’t work. Student does fine now at a large urban university but commutes and has lots of support from her parents. As others said, schools are not going to do what the parents had been doing. If there are drugs and doctor’s appointments involved, more things to balance.
@Pbrain thank you for sharing. As hard as it is to hear, this is exactly what I need to hear. I second guess myself every day. I’m so glad in the end it is a success story for your son. Unfortunately, my son is not a tech guy…he barely uses his phone so his options as a History/English guy may be rather limited if he does not go to school. Trying really hard to figure it out before he gets there so we can find a good fit for him where most importantly he will be Happy and somewhat looked after so hopefully he ends up staying. He says he wants to go to a 4 year school…that is the one thing he is clear about. The rest of it is murky.
Good luck with ds#2. S#2 for me has ADHD but is very outgoing, very driven by money because he loves shiny objects (has had some sort of job since he was 10…scoreboard operator at baseball games, snow shoveling, lawn mowing, dog walking and is now 13 so he just graduated from caddy training today). He also loves technology so even though I will want him to graduate with a degree I am not too worried about him if it doesn’t happen. He is a mover and a shaker. I am very worried about S#1.
Please…your son is not lazy. He has organizational and executive functioning issues which are common to a greater or lesser degree with kids on the autism spectrum…regardless of their overall intelligence.
You have mentioned a LOT of colleges…a lot. But I have some questions because without the answers…it’s really not possible to give you good suggestions.
- Does your son currently have an IEP or a 504 accommodation plan? If so, what kids of accommodations does he currently have? How recent is his most recent evaluation?
- How good of a self advocate is your son? Will he need the help of a disabilities office at his college?
- Does he currently have a faculty case manager at school?
- Does he need reminders about turning in homework, or planning out longterm study plans or projects? If so, who is providing that assistance now?
I want to comment on your comment about him maybe crashing and burning…and that being a growing experience for him…you worded it differently. I would strongly suggest you look for higher education options that will have good supports for your son, where he have the best chance of being successful. Look for colleges that specifically have supports for kids on the autism spectrum. Your son needs support to grow and thrive.
@eandesmom thanks for that. It’s a lot of stuff that I already know but need to be told again. I pulled this off a post I saw on this site last week. A lot of this makes sense and rings true for my some. The article is a least 10 years old as I pulled it off a post from 2010 but it offers good insight and goes along with everything you are saying.
http://aspergercenter.com/articles/college-experience-asperger-syndrome.pdf
I am just torn between sending him to a school with a known program half way across the country or keeping him close to home so I can have more interaction. After your post I read twoinanddone’s post. Every kid is different so just trying to get stories of things that worked or did not work and hoping find a common thread of success stories.
He does not attend therapy (although after your post I am considering something before he goes off) and he just started a low dose blood pressure med that he says helps keep him a “little more grounded”. He also has ADHD but it didn’t affect him enough for us to put him on meds so we chose not to. He probably won’t remember to take these new meds but since he’s gone without them for 17 years it’s not going to be the end of the world if he misses doses. He does have a 504 but the only accommodation he receives is extra time for tests which he only uses for Math. He has never had a case manager so he has not had a ton of hand holding over the years. Honestly, he has gotten worse just this past year (heavy workload so has a case of junioritis) and my husband tells me it’s because I am an enabler and he is taking advantage of it. I figured junior year is tough as it is so I would wait until senior year when things are a little easier to get him prepared. I will make him use his own alarm next year, do laundry, etc. We will see how this goes. He definitely does not own it when he needs help. I am trying to get him to send his own messages to teachers, coaches, etc. Some days it works and some days it does not. The problem is that as long as I am around he will use me as a crutch. Thus my fear of him staying here and gong a CC for a year.
@thumper1 just saw your post and actually answered a lot of your questions in post #43.
As for the rest, until this year he always worked on his homework independently… I was always hands off with academics so I never worried about it until this year. Major change and my guess is that it is junior year which is supposedly the most challenging and he has hit that wall. He is very good about turning in most assignments that HE finds interesting and are not "busy worK…English and history papers, etc. He avoids math homework like the plague. I am actually bringing him way down the track next year in math. No AP. He does have an A in physics but does not do most of the “busy work”. He is good test taker and can pull off high tests grade so that is how he gets away with not doing the “busy work”. I do not, nor does anyone else remind him of homework assignments. He just does the math and figures that it’s not worth doing the busy work assignments as it would be a small percentage of his grade…therefore he himself is selective about turning in homework.
He is NOT a good self advocate. When he hits that wall in Math he is NOT good at approaching his teacher, going to the math lab, etc. As per the link to the article I posted above, this would make sense as it would require serious social interaction with someone he does not know well.
As for my comment on him crashing and burning, I threw that out there as many on this site have posted this to be the case for Aspies that get sent far from home. That said, I am torn between sending him across the country to a school that may have a good program in place (ie Drexel, RIT, UCONN) or keeping him close. None of them seem to be in my immediate location so this is something I need to consider and hopefully will gain a lot of insight from people like you:)
My nephew, (Aspergers and ADHD) tried the CC route. He would not use the school services, and my sister refused to be a crutch and in reality he probably wouldn’t have let her anyway. While I understand her position and even his, the reality is that it has been a disaster. Not because it was CC but because he refused to identify and self advocate. He missed class, didn’t do homework, etc. There have been glimmers of hope and he’s currently talking about trying to go to Bellevue College (which has an excellent autism support program) but we will see. His immediate focus is being able to hold onto a job, he’s been fired at least twice and at 20, lives in my sisters basement.
I realize that is not an encouraging story but it is honest.
I don’t think your fear is unwarranted, I share it. I too largely stayed out of my son’s academics other than nagging when things really lagged, like yours mine could generally test his way out of anything. It’s not new, it’s always been like this. This junior year however, has been much more difficult and it really is due in large part I think to the volume. High rigor (5 AP’s), just a lot for anyone to manage and for kids who have executive functioning, time management and self advocacy issues…well, not a good combo. Of course boring classes where he didn’t feel challenged (so then why do stupid homework when you know the material) would have had similar results grade wise. Missing homework can no longer be balanced by great test scores and the grades have suffered. Very bad first semester and what started his 504 process, we didn’t need anything before. The reality is that HS’s are not set up to manage these kinds of kids, most truly don’t understand HFA, Apsergers and Executive Functioning issues. They see smart kids and think lazy. Or just teen boy. But it’s not. At all. Our 504 accommodations are simply that he is allowed to do his calculus homework in reverse order (to make it less boring as the harder problems are first) and he can take pictures and email in physics and calc since he often forgets to turn them in, even if he did actually do them. Of course his plan is based on a misdiagnosis of ADHD so will likely be amended with his new report. But right now it is taking some micromanaging on the tracking and making sure he goes to the library to do his work (he won’t do it at home but is amazingly efficient there). The library was his idea. For a year apparently. Therapy got him to actually mention it. A year later (although to be fair he’s only been with this therapist since the fall)… But, still, that is progress for him. The HS WANTS me to micromanage the HW (tracking). They can’t. They see it works. Not a single teacher is concerned about him, he knows the material. That’s not sustainable. I mean really, I am not emailing in his college homework after I nag my kid to take a picture of it and he won’t email it in himself but will text it to me. Sigh.
What I believe is this, if I send mine off to a school without the right kind of support and his buy in on that support, I will likely just be throwing money away. I don’t want that for either of us. If he crashes and burns that will cause more self esteem issues and reinforce every negative thought he has about himself. He is starting an internship and I hope that will help. He did a couple of summers of camp counseling and it helped tremendously with his social skills. It’s about finding whatever thing that really resonates and has meaning to them, to be helpful. I always say he is black and white, there is no grey. If he decides he is “in”, he is all in but otherwise, forget it. Trick is to find the “in” and then figure out a way to teach him he has to tolerate the rest and play the game…but in a way that gets his buy in. I don’t quite have that figured out yet.
I know my husband has made some similar comments about why things are worse this year but I really don’t think it’s because the kids are manipulating the situation and deliberately taking advantage…they don’t work that way. I do believe there are ways to help our HFA (I have to use HFA not Aspergers as that diagnosis went away before he received his lol) kids to become self advocates it’s just hard, and slow and requires a lot of consistency and patience. I don’t have the answers. Mine may be ready for a 4 year away with a great program. Socially he probably is and we are lucky in that respect. But, he may not. He may need a gap year. He might need to work low level IT somewhere without a degree or go to CC. All I can do right now is try to get him the best services now so that his options increase instead of decrease and yes, to some degree, be a crutch to help him get there. Mine is great at advocating for something “he” wants. If it’s just something he needs, that he doesn’t want to admit he needs…totally different story. He is motivated and very excited by some of his college options, I am hoping that it will be enough to get some self identification and buy in but right now am treading very lightly. I do think he is capable of pulling this off but I am very grateful he has another year to try to get on a better track. I am also grateful that we can “test” the educational coaching this way to see what works and does not. Because if it doesn’t work here, outsourced but local, I can’t see it working remotely. If it does then we have a local fall back plan and possible remote options. I also think starting it now will help, I just can’t see having the same level of buy in if we did nothing all of next year but expected him to use support services in college.
Good article, thank you for sharing.
One day at a time.
I think your college hunt needs to be more on programs where there is a good disabilities office…and you need to talk to the 504 case manager at the high school and find out if the school can offer any suggestions to transition your son to college. And yes, if he has a 504, he HAS a 504 case manager. It’s in the 504 guidelines.
My observations…and please don’t think I’m being critical.
- Your son has some good strengths but he also has some challenges. You can’t wish those challenges away. One thing to remember...he will be in a very different environment with very different expectations in college. Some kids on the spectrum have difficulty adapting to change.
- Your son is not lazy. He has a disability...and some of what you describe is part of that disability. That being said, anything your family can do to foster some independence will be good. And it will help you see how well he does without support while still having your safety net.
- If your son doesn’t do busy work or turn in assignments that “don’t interest him”...it is very possible that he won’t pass some courses in college. No one in college is going to be there to remind him to do these things.
- If your son had an IEP, your public school (is he in a public school?) would have been required to start transition planning for after high school plans at age 14... it it’s not too late to ask for that help now.
- I think sharing a room in college is fine for most students...but it might not be fine for yours. It’s very possible he will need some down time with no one else around. Does he need this now?
- Self advocacy is extremely important...and you parents won’t be able to do it for your kid. Even the BEST disabilities office isn’t going to chase your kid down to get assignments turned in. They also aren't going to make sure he gets to all of his classes every day...and does the work.
Now…having said all that…there are very successful college students who are on the autism spectrum. For some, it takes having a smaller, manageable courseload, which could mean a five year plan instead of a four year plan. That’s fine in my opinion…if that what it takes for success. But that will add the cost of additional time to graduate.
Every kid has to take at least a few courses that are not of high interest…and they will be expected to pass them. Make sure you look at the core course requirements, and what courses can satisfy them as you look at colleges.
You parents need to balance support with enabling. And that is a fine line.
@thumper1 I do not think you are being critical…these are all good points, most of which I am well aware and why I I now find myself at this crossroads.
I was a very strong advocate for my son before he started grade school. When I was a new parent and trying to figure it out, the lady at his 3 year old pre-school told me he was spoiled by his grand-parents, district psychologist told me he was perfectly fine and that I should have him “throw a football around with an older boy.” As a parent, you know in your gut if something is off so I took matters into my own hands and got my own diagnosis. It was Asperger’s but it was mild and she cautioned that if I ever had him re-evaluated he may not get that diagnosis because most of the input was based on my feedback (he was 4). She he did spend three days in his 4 year old pe-school environment and spent an extensive amount of time evaluating him. It was a tough 3 month process so it was not solely based on my input. Then and only then did my school district have to start listening to me. It was still a bumpy road as they offered the one size fits all package…pull outs for OT, PT, social skills. All were somewhat helpful but he needed someone to be aware in the classroom when he needed a break so he wasn’t doing summersaults in class (which he was doing in Kindergarten because he was so bored as he already knew how to read). In 1st grade they did throw him a class with an aide that was already in place for another child. It was helpful and he did ok (his aide and I actually became very close and she would send me daily e-mails). Second grade was a big turning point for him. He had two bffs (he had a different one in K so he truly always had friends). He was also part of a larger group of boys. They picked him…it had nothin to do with me except for the fact that I would schedule his social calendar. Although by 5th grade e was making his own plans through x-box live. They were typical kids that played sports and video games. He basically mimicked these kids and by the end of 2nd grade he presented so neurotypical they took his IEP away and gave him a 504. I, of course, was not super thrilled because it was a great safety net for me but I took it as a good thing. That good thing lasted all the way through 6th grade. He was happy and thriving both academically and socially but then puberty hit and he took himself out of the mix socially. He no longer talked to these kids via x-box live. He became more of an introvert. It was a rough few years for me as he pretty much hated me. Didn’t speak to me, wouldn’t hang in the same room. The good news is that he got himself to school and from school. He got himself ready for school. i of course still did his laundry, fed him and drove him to practices but outside of that he managed his academic life so i know he has it in him. He eventually came back to me at the end of his freshman year. I of course accepted him with open arms The problem is that by that time all of his friends had moved on and he of course is behind in maturity. I read one of his messages this past December and it made me sad. He basically reached out to one of those bffs from grade school just to check in to see how he was doing. He told him it was finals week and he was stress and was thinking about all of the fun stuff they used to do. The kid was super kind and responded telling him that he always liked him. It pretty much ended there but to me that was a big indicator of how badly he wants to have a social life.
I think that is another reason he is struggling this year. He wants friendships and wants to be a part of that again, its just a rough road for a kid like him and that takes up a lot of space in his head. He has picked up a few friends and I do see him trying to make social dates but when all you really want to do is see a movie every weekend, at 17 it’s a little tough. He is also a big video gamer. I can’t really make these dates for him but by reading some of his chats I can get some insight and make suggestions. I try to advise him on general things such as trying to be proactive about plans and not sending someone a message 30 minutes before the movie starts. He also does no social media and most 17 year olds) make plans via instagram or snap chat. He uses google messaging on his chrome book…not even texts. I am trying to get him to get his feet wet with social media so he has another means of communication. He is open to all of this and is trying to grow. It’s just going to take some time. Girls are a million miles down the road but the did go to Homecoming this year with a group of boys. That was the happiest I’d seen him in a while. He was beaming from ear to ear. I was the crazy mom that showed up with the camera so I have proof. It was a good day:)
I bring all of this up as I am again at that crossroads of when he was a little boy and my gut is t telling me something. It has been a wild roller-coaster rides of ups and downs but each part of his life has taught me something.
As for getting help through his public HS, most of his HS teachers kind of think I am crazy. Conferences are early in the year so they may see more as time goes on, but I get the same kind of responses when I bring up his 504. “I’ve been told he has a 504 and that he has Asperger’s but I just don’t see it”. Because I’m sure they sense my frustration, they then of course try to assure me that it’s a good thing. And yes it is!! But per all of the reasons you mention above, I now need help transitioning to the next phase in his life. They are very aware of his organizational skills (his backpack is overflowing with papers). During our annual 504 meetings they question whether or not he needs anything. Luckily, there is always someone besides me that insists it be a good idea to keep his 504 in place. They also ask my son and he is an advocate for himself at those meeting by telling them he does. I’m sure they will help with the transition but I’m not sure they will think it is as necessary as I do because he presents better than a lot of other kids on the spectrum or with more academic challenges. And to be fair, he does and they have a million kids with IEPs. So, although I will turn to them for help I am banking on my own research and my own advocacy to get him the help I think he needs. But then of course I will have to let go and he will have to be his own advocate. This is of course where it gets hairy and why I am seeking advice in finding the best possible scenario. It may end up being wrong in the end but I have to at least try to find it.
Academics aside, I know he is truly seeking social interaction and relationships. In my heart, i feel that he needs to get out of this house and out of this town to find them. He is friendly with kids at school, does not get picked on, he is just a kid that is under the radar. A fresh start would be a good thing but it needs to be the right place with the right supports and he needs to be ready.
I have also read about hiring executive functioning coaches at school. This may be a great option for him if I can find one. From other posts, this seems to be a good route as they are teaching them life skills which they will need beyond school as opposed to just relying on the DS office for help geared just towards life at school. Anyone have any experience with this??
They must have a script they read at IEPs because we got "he doesn’t need to be the captain of the football team.
I am in the same boat you are, and socially my son has lots of people who like to be around him during activities, but he doesn’t have anyone to hang out with. But, he is something of a Luddite, just agreed to have a smart phone. He is starting to post more on online Star Wars/LOTR boards which I think is a positive thing because he has an easier time organizing his thoughts in writing than in person.
But, college offers some really niche-y clubs and if my husband’s experience at MIT is any indication, he will find people who actually get him and are similar to him. Fingers crossed.
you are way ahead from my son, who refuses social media and says he will never have a snapchat. has FB/Instagram/Twitter accounts, but never uses. So he is not open to it at all. he does use Discord and skype to chat with his “friends” to play games. I think once this year he went out and physically did something with them. Forgot about homecoming or Prom. The friends all go to another High school. Noone bullies my kid, and everyone knows him, but he has no desire for “typical” social skills. he meets in a small group with a psychologist every other week. He also does go out every friday night to play Magic the Gathering at a place near us, but that is mostly older people. And EF skills, well we are lucky if he remembers to take a shower. Backpack is also overflowing. We do have a 504 and have used it for certain accommodations, such as being excused from pep rallies and allowed quiet time if something agitates him (which this year he has not used, progress). I have seen growth, but not for the typical 17 YO. he will be a counselor in training at some camps and will see how he does this summer.
Saying all this, he really wants to go away to school. Right now RIT and RPI are high on the list and we live in the south. There are closer schools. I fully intend on taking advantage of the program at RIT if he gets in . I also hope in college he will become more social physically (aka going places). For now I feel like this will be good for him. We shall see. I have also hired someone to help with the college apps that is not named “mom” and has experience with ASD kids.
Under the radar is such an apt description. My son comes in, does his thing, doesn’t cause trouble, does, for the most part interact with others in the classroom, participates in some activities and has started a few clubs. Teachers generally don’t get the issue, he’s bright, doesn’t seem unhappy, etc. So what if he doesn’t turn in homework…lot’s of kids do that. Ugh. At his 504 meeting the band teacher complimented him on coming in, doing his thing and keeping to himself saying that he seems happy.
He is not “unhappy” but band…for most kids at this level of involvement is a social activity as much as a music one. Not for my kid. The “gentle” sports are really…solo sports. XC is a wonderful thing but again, not something that helps social skills.
Mine showers daily BUT will put back on the dirty t he had on before the shower and wear that same t for 5 days until we yell at him to put a clean one on. And he may or may not remember to wear deodorant.
He does have plenty of acquaintances at school, kids he eats lunch with and has never been bullied (other than by his cousins but that’s another story) but he can count close friends on one hand…and that includes his brother. He would like more, he doesn’t know how and as the self awareness increases, he realizes what he doesn’t’ have. To me, that is the big change this year. Which is good in many ways but super painful to see and try to figure out how to assist. He did identify social media as a gap and has jointed instagram to at least attempt to be connected but I don’t see much happening there. Reddit and sub reddit…is a different scenario.
@overbearingmom I think you and I have similar kids and similar stories. I can’t wait to hear how it goes at UCONN for your S next fall. I’m hoping it is truly a positive experience. It doesn’t have to be perfect, just the right place.
In my experience, these kids need to find their tribe…some do it through robotics or something like that. Some join gaming clubs.
Is there anything in your school or community where this kid could find others with like interests? They might not ever become his BFF but he will have an out of school…out of house activity to do.
As a point…band has been mentioned…my kids were musicians. They had connections to the other musicians in their ensembles…that was their “tribe”.
Check places like a community college. Some have summer programs…actually some four year colleges have summer programs. There might be something that will pique your kid’s interest…and really those interests are the foundations for at least acquaintances.
@overbearingmom my son does better writing his thoughts as well. When i do read his messages they are truly funny. Sometimes totally inappropriate but as my husband points out, on point for a 17 year old boy. I realize that the entire message string is written by 17 year old boys that all post goofy and sometimes vulgar things that 17 year olds would post. On the whole though they are still much more innocent than most and that in itself makes me laugh. My son is creative and very funny…but in general he doesn’t parlay that in person. I’m sure he does with his cronies at lunch but not with the general public.
@sdl0625 good idea on hiring someone besides mom to help with the college apps. I will have to consider that:)
I will look into RIT as well as UCONN and Drexel (which was only list) but Im afraid RIT and RPI are too technical for him. He is a writer and a History guy and most of these schools lean towards the techie or engineering type. I know they have a liberal arts program but not sure how much is dedicated to it and what majors are avail. They don’t seem to list. This is all a good start for me though:)
Here are the majors for RPI…
http://rpi.edu/academics/index.html
Here are RIT’s majors…For their College of Liberal Arts
@gatspygirl you may want to check out Colorado State. They have a paid support program that looks decent and they give merit to OOS kids.
My S2 is Asperger’s and is now a junior at Wesleyan. The thing about college is that no one is going to push him: if he doesn’t want to go to class or do the assignments no one is going to get him too. What we did decide would help my DS and he agrees was a smart idea is small class sizes and ability for close interaction with professors, hence the reason we went the LAC/small uni route. His top choices were CalTech, Rice, and Wesleyan. He got waitlisted at Rice and chose Wesleyan over CalTech for the better interaction with professors. I would definitely recommend some Midwest LACs. Beloit, Knox, Earlham, Lawrence, and maybe St. Olaf would all be great.The problem is if he doesn’t go to class or office hours then he won’t get to take advantage of these. Another mom I know whose DD is also on the ASD spectrum and has a bit of PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) and was someone who was naturally very smart but seriously struggled to put in the work in high school (without mom forcing her) and college. She decided to go to a college where she was a big fish in a small pond and was able to make Cs without putting much work in. Her mom said to me if she went to the state flagship where she would have to work to pass classes then she may not have ever graduated.
Thanks @eandesmom. I will check it out but from the student reviews, it doesn’t sound like a good fit…nor does DU for those that recommended it.
I do tend to check out student reviews (one website in particular and probably more than I should) just to get a pulse of the climate of the school. I do take it all with a grain of salt but if there appears to be a common thread, i tend to shy away a bit if it is of further distance. The make up of the student body is of particular importance as is the administration. I just re-visited some of the schools that have been thrown out. Drexel gets scathing reviews so I shied away a while ago. RIT doesn’t get the best reviews either. i will definitely do further research, but I’m hoping a parent on this site can negate some of what I am reading from first a first hand experience at some of these schools.
On a positive note, my son may advocate for himself more than I think he does. When I checked his grade portal today his Italian grad had gone up to a 95 from an 89. The missing assignments were all in at 100%. When he got home I asked if he talked to his teacher. He did and she allowed him to submit the 3 assignment for full credit. I offered kudos and told him how proud i was that he could advocate for himself. He smiled and I could tell he was proud of himself. Tomorrow is of course another day but as another parent said…One day at a time.
Just remember…on those college reviews…very often the naysayers want to vent…and those who love the place don’t bother to post.