Need to have awkward conversation with S - advice?

<p>Just to close the loop on this thread, I had the discussion with my S this weekend. To say it was awkward at the start is a huge understatement. I started by telling him that I wanted to have a conversation but would understand if he was not willing - in that case I asked him to just listen and to stop me if anything I was saying was incorrect. I then stated some assumptions (he loved the GF, the relationship was serious, and that they were sleeping together). I got an absolute yes to questions 1 & 2 and a poker face and silence to #3. But not a denial.</p>

<p>I did not argue the merits of love at 18 (I was just 20 when I met his mother and he is much more mature at 18 than I was at 20). I let him know my feelings about the emotional impact of this on the GF, the need for secondary BC (her choice) and that they should have the discussion. I also emphasised the need for physical and emotional monogamy. I can read him very well and it was obvious that they had been sleeping together by the look on his face. I told him this and asked if I was wrong. He said "no" and then everything was out in the open.</p>

<p>Without getting into too much detail, they are using condoms, this was a mutual decision (he would never pressure any girl and this girl would not be pressured), and he had been thinking about secondary methods. We discussed the morning after pill and the need to use condoms as well as a secondary method. We talked for about an hour about the impacts of their decision and I let me know several times that while I don't condone this I can accept it if they are love, serious, and are careful and discrete. I really don't have much choice. Also discussed that "serious" does not mean "marriage" anytime in the near future. 100% agreement and their plan is to see where the relationship goes as they cope with the separation and other life changes ahead of them. I think they have their heads on straight.</p>

<p>The conversation could not have gone better. I think we opened a dialog man-to-man if there are issues in the future. He gave me a hug at the end and said he loved me - very unusual. No wierdness afterward.</p>

<p>I'm happy we had the conversation and about how it went. But I was quite sad afterward too. After I filled in my W she ventured that I was sad because the conversation was another step towards independence for him.</p>

<p>Bravo. What a lucky son to have a dad like you.</p>

<p>A standing ovation from the west coast!!! Glad it went so well!!!</p>

<p>Great job, Iconsult! Your son's reaction tells you that he knows how lucky he is to have you, and that you were right to speak up. Thank you so much for telling us how this turned out. And I agree, this discussion helped me refine my position on several aspects of this complex issue. You've done us all a service by sharing.</p>

<p>Everyone that responded to this thread and gave an opinion helped me a great deal. I don't think it would have gone anywhere near as well without the input. I appreciate everyone's help and hope that this thread will help others in a similar situation.</p>

<p>I forgot to mention that I asked my S not to share the conversation with the GF. I don't want her being embarrassed and not wanting to come to the house. They actually spent most of the weekend at our house and it was very pleasant. He'll probably say something to her, but I doubt he will relay the entire conversation.</p>

<p>I'm sure I'll never know if this helped him at all or not. All I can do is hope.</p>

<p>All you, and most of us, can do is say what we need to say. In truth, how much are any of us telling an 18 year old about sex that they don't already know? And how much do they hear us during this phase? </p>

<p>My BIL is a very good child psychiatrist involved in research and writing. When my kids were in HS he loved to remind me that the average kid will tell their boy/girl friend of 2 weeks more than they will ever tell a parent. Nothing we did, just the normal path to adulthood and independence. </p>

<p>To be frank, I think this conversation was way more for you then it was for DS. Nothing wrong there, there are things I also need to say although I know they're falling on deaf ears. I just have a hard time believing parental sex advice at 18 is welcome or heard.</p>

<p>Ok, anyone wants to help me with the talk with my daughter? </p>

<p>I have a different problem (as some of you may know that I have a pretty open relationship with my daughter, sometimes just too much information). She likes to talk to me when I am driving ever since she was a little girl(mind you, not when SHE is driving). She said to me this past weekend, "When do you think I should go on the birth control." I kept a very straight face, then I pulled the car off the road, once I safely put the car in park I said, "Say, what!"</p>

<p>I definitely understand what OP is feeling. You experience that sense of lost because your kid is taking another step toward independence. I want so much to hold her back so she wouldn't ever experience any hurt that could come with it, but I guess she would also miss the great joy of a relationship.</p>

<p>^^hi oldfort. I've got a fresh cup of tea, and clearly, we are seasoned and succesful experts in this area, so give us details, if you wish. So much easier to solve everyone else's problems than my own....</p>

<p>There isn't that much detail. She thinks she may want to take that next step with someone she's been seeing. She is my baby and I don't want to see her get hurt. I want to give her the best advice, but I don't think I could tell her anything she doesn't already know. I wonder if she's indirectly seeing if I am ok with it.</p>

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I wonder if she's indirectly seeing if I am ok with it.

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<p>I have only a son, so everything I have is second hand. A dad of two girls told me that it is his opinion and experience that his girls really want his approval on "core" issues.</p>

<p>On the specific issue of becoming sexually active, when asked by the older daughter he explained that he would prefer she wait and why, but assured her that he would love and respect her if she made the decision to be active. BTW-he really felt that she was not being "pushed" into this by the male.</p>

<p>He then said a lot of the things that we have already mentioned on this thread. The need for 2 levels of protection and monogamy. He told me later that she came to him and thanked him for being open to discuss these issues now that they were no longer just theoretical.</p>

<p>Oldfort, my D & I have great talks (some serious, some seriously crazy!) while driving, too. The best news is that your D feels safe discussing the issue with you! There are too many people who can't talk to their parents about so many topics, especially this one. It speaks volumes about the relationship you have with your child. </p>

<p>IMO, the only things we can do is listen to them, answer questions, educate as much as possible, offer opionions, and continue to be a reliable sounding board. Ultimately sex will be their choice.</p>

<p>I think when kids bring this up with their parents, particularly girls with their moms, they are seeking two things: some sense of where their mom is with the direction their physical relationship with a guy is headed. Will you freak out if you find out what might be happening next? Is this something you will vehemently condemn or is this something you can live with or even see as a natural next step in a relationship, after someone has reached a certain age and/or maturity? They want to know how you will feel about them when you know the truth about what they are thinking about doing (or have already done.) Very brave of them, if you ask me, as they risk a lot worse than mom pulling over onto a soft shoulder!</p>

<p>And secondly, I think they are truly seeking accurate advice about pregnancy and STD prevention from the person who cares most about them in the world. Thank your lucky stars that she is bringing this up with you. The alternative is possibly bad information and secretive behavior. I'd rather know enough to be of help, but these conversations are not for the faint of heart, as the OP knows!</p>

<p>Oldfort:</p>

<p>I think Riverrunner is right on with the assessment above. You are very fortunate that your daughter would initiate this conversation with you. I wish my S's GF would do that with her mother, but there are I think extenuating circumstances there that make that an issue. I also wish my S had brought it up to me rather than vice-versa, but that is I think expecting too much. He is a VERY private person.</p>

<p>It may also be a male / female thing. I have occasionally heard of a D bringing this subject up with a parent, but never a S.</p>

<p>Good luck and keep us posted. I wish I had some specific advice for you but I only have the S - no experience with raising teenage girls.</p>