Great job with the grades. Seems like there is still time to pull that B+ up. When it is a busy academic time, such as midterms, everyone’s social lives are pushed to the side a bit. That’s the reality when something has to give. Keep trying to flip your views and attitudes to the positive. Keep on practicing the postives and the positive steps, no matter how small. It is a day in and day out everyday sort of thing, there won’t be a magic switch on moment.
And, you started this thread “nervous for sophomore year” well it is 1/4 of the way done and you are making it. Maybe your social life isn’t waht you want it to be, but you are doing well academically, taking responsibility, and you are making it! That’s something.
@aretheyallyours
I promised my parents I would stick to it (counseling/counselor) through the semester. Also, I have a peer mentor through my school’s disability services so there is that. Also, clubs haven’t really worked with me this year as they never really have in the past. Going to campus events traditionally hasn’t helped me either. If anything, it just reinforces my social standing as people go to clubs and events with their friends, and if you don’t have friends, you don’t benefit from it. Plus, it’s not that I don’t want to be positive, it just comes off as a generic one-size-fits-all bit of advice which isn’t always possible to take in during a negative situation. I’ve heard “stay positive” frequently from those I’ve interacted with and that’s just my two cents about it.
I did not mean for you to give up on counseling but to perhaps ask to be paired to a different one who might be more helpful to you if you don’t feel you are getting enough out of your sessions with current counselor.
You are doing great keeping your promise to your parents and working hard on your academics as well. If you read through this entire thread, you will see that you come across as having a tendency to view things that have to do with your social life negatively, and many if not most of the suggestions that people have made have to try to help you have been responded to in the negative–or the reasons why it won’t work based on your experiences.
That prompts me to ask you a question. Do you want an improved social life because it is something you think you are supposed to have or because you really want an authentic social life?
If it is something that you think you are supposed to have because most people your age in college have one, then you are unlikely to be really motivated to do what it takes to get one, and more likely to come back with the negatives and yeah buts.
If you want an authentic social life, then spend some time observing those around you that seem to have what you want. I suspect you will see laughing, smiling, sharing, being silly, upbeat, and all the things that people experience as positive and fun in relationships. People want people that make them feel good, supported, built up, not negative and pulled down. You have to find a way to be more positive and keep doing it day in and day out if friendships are what you really want.
Not everyone has a large circle of friends and there are people who prefer to be alone most of the time. There is a huge difference between being lonely and being alone.
In truth, I want to improve my social life because I feel that’s what’s always been and will be expected of me. My parents haven’t helped with that regard.
Thanks for being honest @wizman631. It is going to be hard to do if it is something you are doing because others expect it. It is also likely to make you feel bad when you feel like you are disappointing them. It is really commendable that you are trying to hard at this, something that doesn’t seem to come naturally or easily to you.
I think just getting involved in something other than academics is good.
If it’s community service for example, don’t do it for your parents, don’t do it for yourself, do it for the people who you are helping. Who knows, maybe in the long run it will also help you, and maybe you will make some real friends that way.
So yeah, counseling hasn’t really helped me, and I think there is a disconnect between me and my counselor that is causing it. I just can’t seem to relate to her and her advice isn’t something I feel comfortable doing, even while expanding my comfortable zone, such as talking to random strangers in the dining hall. So, I am thinking about dropping it for the semester.
And I already to go to events and activities outside of academics (which is hard given that it’s project season and I have four of them due in roughly one month) and they still don’t help me in the long-term, and barely do anything in the short-term either.
Maybe this is what destiny wants for me and I just have to accept it? That’s what I want to believe at this point since nothing seems to work and never has (i.e. Counseling, Clubs, Community Services, Other Events and Activities, etc.). Nothing has worked since middle school or even elementary school if you want to go back that far in time - I’ve fallen in the “loser” trap since first grade.
What a contradiction between what destiny wants for me and what is expected of me by society (especially my parents).
@wizman631 I wonder why you equate being a loner/introvert with being a “loser?” It is possible to be a happy introver/loner. In fact, I suspect many famous, scholars, scientists, musicians, etc. were just that, rather introverted and focused on their goals rather than their social lives.
OP, I really think you need to stay in long term cognitive therapy. To feel that you have been a loser since first grade is not healthy. Long term is the key. You might think therapy isn’t helpful, but it is better to go than not. Have you told the therapist that you feel it isn’t helping? Maybe the therapist needs to know. Maybe the therapist has different ideas. Do you actually DO what the therapist suggests? That is important. You have to stop thinking that you are doomed to live this way. You aren’t. Keep up the therapy.
@Lindagaf
I would stay in counseling if not for the fact that there is some sort of conflict between me and her - not sure if it’s that I don’t find her advice helpful or a personality conflict, just something seems off about her. I just don’t feel comfortable with her, especially when I am more comfortable with my peer mentor through OAS as an alternative. And dropping counseling would just be for the semester, or at least until I would get off the waiting list.
As far as feeling like I have been a loser since first grade definitely does have some truth to it. I actually was branded as one since first grade by my classmates for being socially awkward, having few interests, and acting like a weirdo. Long term is the key. I told her about the issues I have been having with her as a therapist. She left that option up to me. And I consulted my mom about it. I have a couple of weeks to decide because that’s when my next session would theoretically be. And I am trying to follow her advice, it just doesn’t work in practice as much as it does in the therapy room where I’m sheltered away from the rest of the world.
@mommdc
Like I said, there is a basis of truth in the loser bit as I described above. There might not be one way to be social, but the advice that is being given comes off as generic and one-size-fits-all.
If this counselor isn’t working for you, you don’t just accept defeat. You get on the waitlist for another one. YoumaY as well becasue it is at least better than just foregoing counseling. I don’t want to sound harsh OP, but I have read this thread and the other one as well. You seem to have a lot of reasons why you don’t or can’t improve your situation. I can’t tremember all your details, but maybe you are at the wrong college. Maybe you need to transfer. Finish this semester and transfer elsewhere next fall. Start again.
@wizman631 it still sounds like you are trying to force yourself to be something that you aren’t, and people have been trying to force that upon you for your entire life, or at least since first grade, rather than accept and like you just the way you are. But, you aren’t that little kid anymore. You do have to learn to accept and like yourself for who you are, and then perhaps you will meet others like you, who like and love the weird loner type. Believe me, they are out there.