<p>Kinshasa said it best: it hurts like hell when your kid is in pain. And getting cut from rush is like a social slap in the face. Here is the worst part: my daughter's away message. She was the only one of her floor (of 14 girls) who didn't go to a preference party. And her away message basically says "good luck to all my great friends on my floor, I love you and wish you the absolute best and may you find the sorority and home that you love, have a great bid night to all my wonderful friends who helped me so much today." So while she's hurting she's still thanking everyone who helped her today and wishing them the best. And this is the girl who got cut and wasn't an asset to some sorority?? Where is the logic in this? I did tell her how proud I was of her for taking the high road and being the gracious, sweet person that she is. But still, I have to wonder at a system that excludes someone like that.</p>
<p>Okay, I know this is a pity party. And I apologize. And I thank you for your hugs; I'll silently send them on to her. She has a few friends who didn't join fraternities or sororities for whatever reasons and she is taking solace from them. She is finding that her friends that she has made are really coming through for her now and she is comforted by that. And I'll take comfort in my CC community - thanks so much.</p>
<p>Your D's away msg just made me cry, fredo. I would give that girl such a hug if I were there...
[quote]
Where is the logic in this? ... I have to wonder at a system that excludes someone like that.
[/quote]
Absolutely. There is no logic, the system is screwed up. Your D is a gem, she doesn't deserve to be mistreated by this system. May her good friends bring her comfort and joy. And take a few extra virtual hugs yourself, you good Mom you.</p>
<p>fredo I'm sorry your daughter didn't get the bid she wanted. However, on the other hand she won't have to get naked and have frat guys point out her body's defects. Personally, I see it this way...you don't have to be humiliated in order to be part of a group. Cheers!</p>
<p>btw, tell her she is part of the best "greek" organization out there GDI (God Damn Independents) !!!!</p>
<p>Tututaxi: you and me both. I have to hope (and I've told her) that there are greater things in store for her than a disappointing sorority rush. I've told her the class and character she's displayed will last her longer than any rush period and for her whole life. She has floored me with how she has responded to this. Her rush advisors have told her that they have conveyed to Panhel how impressed they are with the way she is handling this (as opposed to the girls who lock themselves in their rooms). Somewhere down the line, she is going to be rewarded for this, although that is hard for her to see now. I also told her how lucky and proud I am to have her in my "house." But I sure do wish I could just conjure up a bid to a house she likes and make her feel good now!</p>
<p>Fredo Fredo, how sad this thread makes me. Literally this was my household 3 weeks ago. My mom was so infuriated/sad that she called the head of the Greek system within the administration....but before she could even start her diatribe against the process her voice started to crack and she started to cry. One of the saddest things I have ever seen :(. Not only did I have to hear my sister call me and cry, I had my mom crying to! I'll never forget those reactions each morning when she would call to tell us she got dropped from yet another sorority...we always held on to some hope and then at 9 am the next day they would be gone. Last week me and my mom were driving talking about the whole mess and she said "Ya know, when you got in to Princeton I knew that your father had something to do with it. And when Ashley got cut from all those sororities and there was one left that she still wanted to be in I said to your father...OK here is your chance to pull through...and when he didn't, it was such a blow." - - But ya know what fredo, when I got home that night one of my really good friends who I met at a summer program told me that everything happens for a reason. Sure it's simple and it's cliche and people say it all the time, but it just really stuck out to me at that point. She is now in one of the sororities she swore she would never join and she is as happy as can be. Now I know it's not the same situation, but this has happened for a reason. You're daughter WILL be happy!! Something positive will come of this...I knew it would happen with my sister and I know it will happen with your daughter. Keep your chin up high, both you and your daughter have the quality that far outweighs membership to a sorority: class.</p>
<p>Fredo - what a great kid you raised! All of us can empathize with having a child hurt and feeling powerless to do more than remind him/her of how much they're valued and loved. Warm wishes to you and your d - she has qualities that will bring her true success.</p>
<p>I just do not get the Greek thing. Although I recognize that many outstanding young people want this kind of social arrangement, I have to wonder ... why??? It's expensive, it's hurtful, in many cases it has deteriorated to upholding an abysmal standard of behavior. </p>
<p>My daughters know they'll have to pay any sorority-related expenses themselves because their dad and I just won't do it. The oldest, now a senior, seemed interested at first but never rushed and is expressing her Greek side by being a "little sister" for a geek frat which seems to have a very open admissions policy. The schools my middle d is looking at mostly have a 30-40% Greek presence, though a few of them have no frats/sororities at all. She says she'll think about sororities once she's made a final decision. She does not like hearing my snide comments when "Sorority Life" or whatever it's called is on TV.</p>
<p>The system blows, not to put a fine touch on it. I never really knew how sororities worked, and have only a vague understanding of fraternity rush. But this seems nuts. I'm now really hoping that my Sophomore S, when the time comes, doesn't attend a college with a heavy Greek scene. Since his college flavor of the month is now VMI, I guess that's not a problem -- but that can change and I want to print out this entire thread so I can discuss it with him if I need to. </p>
<p>I know it will work out fine Fredo, but I know it's going to be rough for awhile. Just seeing your kid get cut from an athletic team is hard enough for a parent to handle.</p>
<p>THis is just so sad. I had no idea how the system worked before...I just can't imagine grown people subjecting others to such a process. Friendship should be something that happens naturally...this is so artificial. Now suddenly, all relationships will change because of some stupid game of musical chairs. I'm really sorry Fredo. I bet she'll find some of the most interesting people among the socalled GDI's!</p>
<p>Fredo,
Yes, I agree Rush is the most superficial way to choose a group of girls. It 's archaic, phoney and only certain personality types do well at it. It is really tough on girls that are reserved or not used to talking about themselves. It is also sometimes a matter of luck if those kinds of girls end up talking with someone in the sorority mature enough to ask the right questions. I know how it feels because I got cut from several of the sororities I wanted to be in. KD wasn't my first choice but I was happy to be in one because I also attended a school with a huge greek system. So, I understand the pressure. I don't care how self-assured you are, it is still a tough blow not to make it. I know that is probably difficult for a lot of parents here to understand because so many of you value your child's independence fiercely. Sororities have many positives. Rush is not one of them.</p>
<p>I know it's too early, but Rushing as a sophomore or informally might be the best thing for her. Her friends in the dorm that made it into a sorority can then speak up for her and help her to get to know some of the girls in the house better. She might actually find a better fit that way or she might decide that being independent is the way to go. I'm sending good thoughts your way.</p>
<p>I was so disappointed when I read about your D's outcome during rush. But you know what, it's their loss, and it really is no reflection on her because the grace and maturity that she has shown through the process might have been what they needed. Even though she may not see it now, I hope that she never feels that she wasn't "good enough" because that certaintly was not the case.</p>
<p>It is a capricious and arbitrary system and as women I don't think that it certainly does nto bring out the best in us. </p>
<p>lizschup gave great advice about having her wait until next year if she is still interested.The time just may be the thing that she needs do decide if truly this is what she really wants or if she caving in. In the end she will end up being wher she needs to be whether or not it is as a soror. Her friends who have pleded without her will still be her friends as they would be crazy to give her up.</p>
<p>I know I already wrote this but the part about this sorority thing that gets to me is that it is not a "natural" way of picking and choosing friends. It seems frought with hurt and there is this tone to it that rubs me the wrong way, from this story alone. I am sure once in the sorority, there are close bonds and some nice aspects but this part of the process is just not one I like hearing about. I think normally in college, when you don't have this sorority thing going, you meet friends in various ways... through residential life, classes, your EC activities/clubs/teams. People are not just picking you to be friends with but you are picking them too. </p>
<p>As sad as I am for your D Fredo, and I already wrote my thoughts about all that.....having just read your newer posts....one thing you might point out to your D is that THANKFULLY and APPARENTLY, she does have many friends. It appears that she is friends with the girls on her floor who she just showed grace and class to in supporting them but who, it sounds like, came to support her in this time of need. If they are truly her friends, they will continue to be, sorority or not. Yes, she has the pain of not being part of this whole deal that they are now immersed in and I can't diminish that. But looking on the bright side, she has these girls as friends already and she is not friendless (how can she be, already I can tell by her away message that she is just the kind of girl many would love to have as a pal). Also, you mentioned she had a couple friends who are not doing sororities so right now she can bond a bit more with them during this period when this topic is all the rage. Also, I do not know her interests, but joining an EC activity where the others share your passion, is a form of "belonging" and bonding too and perhaps she can turn to that option right now and things will get better. </p>
<p>While we know it will get better for her, that does not diminish her disappointment, hurt and pain. I just wish she did not have to go through that because this is one time when this kind of pain is not necessary (unlike something like a college rejection, which ya gotta deal with). It is just such a forced set up for disappointment and pain. The hard thing also is that it appears that your D really wanted to be in a sorority or chose a school where Greek is big. </p>
<p>I think even though your D is hurting, I can tell she is handling it pretty well by that Away message. She is not closed up in a room crying. She has a right to be sad but it sounds like she has had the support of friends getting through this time. So, if you can remind her that these girls ARE her friends, that is one thing that won't stop and she does have friends. She just doesn't have this forced sorority picking and choosing thing on her side. But she is obviously someone other girls want to befriend. If you can look on the bright side...she HAS friends...she maybe can join an EC group, she has some independent girls to hang with, things have the potential of going just fine. This sorority rush intensity will pass.
Susan</p>
<p>Well, and I'll risk the cc. hellfires as well, I always have to ask - what kind of college is it that sets up a system that allows its students to be harmed this way? Reminds me of "untouchability" in India....</p>
<p>ITA- if she wanted to be in a select single sex environment, why didn't she just attend a womens college? <<<blink innocently="">>></blink></p>
<p>Im sorry that your daughter had to go through this, but we find out a lot more about ourselves in tough situations than in ones where everything is going our way. I hope she finds solace in her friends and studies and is able to move past soon, it sounds as if she is well on her way.</p>
<p>"Im sorry that your daughter had to go through this, but we find out a lot more about ourselves in tough situations than in ones where everything is going our way."</p>
<p>Do we? Is this an argument in favor of facing degradation on a regular or systematic basis because the trauma would make us stronger? Don't you think life provides us with enough trauma without us having to create more of our own?</p>
<p>Rejection is painful, no matter where it comes from. I've been through the sorority craziness with my daughter and it is tough.<br>
There is an old saying "A mother is only as happy as her least happy child."<br>
It seems to hold true no matter what their age.</p>
<p>
[quote]
"Im sorry that your daughter had to go through this, but we find out a lot more about ourselves in tough situations than in ones where everything is going our way."</p>
<p>Do we? Is this an argument in favor of facing degradation on a regular or systematic basis because the trauma would make us stronger? Don't you think life provides us with enough trauma without us having to create more of our own?
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Is that what I said?
I don't think so- but why dwell on the "trauma" instead of using the opportunity to move forward? THe rejection has already happened, but she can use this experience to reevaluate her goals, whether they change or not. Life is full of pain and I wouldn't advertise to make it as difficult as possible, but neither do I think we do our kids any favors by trying to protect them from stressfull situations.
Obviously this young lady wanted to be at a school where Greeks were a big part of the community, even if her parents could have foreseen this turn of events, I don't think that forbidding her to attend would have been the right course of action. Just as my daughter is experiencing great disappointment when she isn't able spend her senior year on campus with her friends, and she will have to watch them graduate without her, she is also learning from the experience.
Of course I wouldn't have wished that on her, but should I have encouraged her to attend an easier school, without so many requirements to graduate?
I don't think that would have done her any favors, I will not discourage my kids from taking risks, but I will do my best to support them when they need me.</p>
<p>Oh, I agree. And, yes, the rejection has already happened, so one has to deal with it one way or the other.</p>
<p>But what I am suggesting is that there are certain tough situations that shouldn't have to be faced. They are not a benefit to the school nor to the students - whether accepted or rejected. The rejected face unnecessary trauma; but, worse (or at least to my way of thinking it is), the accepted learn that it is socially acceptable to inflict it.</p>
<p>There's enough grief and pain in the world and in life without constructing unnecessary situations like this one, especially concerning a concept as vital as friends. It's one thing to be turned down by a school or a team for not making some possibly arbitrary standard, which is hard enough. But this process seems to get at the heart of who someone is, and tell them they're not good enough.</p>
<p>One thing my kids looked for in schools was a low percentage of frat/sorority particiapation, so that not participating didn't have such an impact.</p>
<p>It seems there is so much more publicity surrounding the physical harm that befalls some students during initiation. I think that's understandable, because it's a more immediately frightening occurance, but I also think that the emotional harm that girls and boys suffer from being rejected by sororities and fraterinities needs some publicity, too. It's certainly getting that here, which I think is very valuable, and I hope some students are reading this thread. I would not forbid either of my children from applying to a school with a significant Greek presence, but I would sure want to make certain they had a lot of information, and not just from those who found it a positive experience. I'm definitely saving this thread.</p>