New college parent overly concerned?

Parents Forum
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<p>Just thought I'd chime in a short student perspective from a student also at a really tough school --</p>

<p>For students in difficult schools, sometimes the entire first semester has to be an adjustment period. When I came to MIT, I wasn't particularly prepared by my high school, either in material or in study habits, and my grades the first term suffered -- I got 3 C's and a B. It's not that I was being lazy, it was just very difficult for me that first term. I quickly figured out what I needed to do to get good grades around this joint, and as a senior, I have a cumulative A- average. </p>

<p>So if this entire term has to be taken as a learning experience, my feeling is "so be it".</p>

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<p>You were right in what you noticed. My D has always been very shy, but started becoming more confident her last year in h.s. And there were so few kids in her school that she didn't date much. Now she has so many more people in her life.</p>

<p>It's helpful to remember that she is figuring this out. Thanks.</p>

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<p>Even if the worst happens and your Ds scores are low.......she will get another semester to figure this all out. It sounds like the real issue here is whether you will pay for her to have another semester to do the figuring. It sounds like it is your decision and not your daughter's.</p>

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<p>Sorry, everybody for my confusing last post. Evidence that I am new at this--was responding to what binz had written.</p>

<p>I'll keep reading your posts afternoon so that I take a supportive, clear approach when I talk with my D tonight.</p>

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<p>Hang in there.......many a successful has a difficult college semester in their past!! Try to speak of how to recover if the opportunity comes up. It sounds as if your daughter isn't in the dark but probably is worried.</p>

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<p>NSM, you hit the nail smack on the head!</p>

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<p>We went through this three times already with our children. I think molliebatmit sounded the right note. At the end of the day, a child is at college to be a student not to be a performing monkey. You cannot as a parent hover too closely around her. Let her try her wings. A few B's or C's in first term of first year mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. Getting a sense of what it takes is a lot more important. Best advice? Do nothing. She'll figure it out on her own.</p>

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<p>I think what you are describing is a very, very normal 1st semester at college. That first semester or quarter isn't about what they learn in the classroom, but about what they learn about navigating through life. Skills like balancing the social with the academic, figuring out how to make time to do the laundry and write a paper, understanding that they can say 'no' to their new friends and still remain friends, sorting out how they feel about drugs, and alcohol, and sex, learning to negotiate with a roommate, learning how to separate what they want from what they need, and how to recognize the difference - this is what the are learning.</p>

<p>Your daughter may learn the 'hard' way - by failing a few classes, being hauled into a mandatory advising meeting, being on academic probation. But this might be what she needs. On the other hand it is only October, and it may be that by the end of this semester, she will have a better handle on 'work life balance'. </p>

<p>If this were my daughter, I would not give her the 'we are paying for As and Bs' speech, or any kind of guilt or pressure, because if she is struggling, this is just going to make her feel worse (as if she is the only one in this situation, when in reality, probably half of her class is!). Instead, I would let her play out the semester and see where she ends up.</p>

<p>Who knows what her definition of bombing a test in college is? Or what they are worth to her grade. See where her grades this semester end up, and maybe contact the school to see what they do to students who fail their first semester - FERPA says they can't discuss specifics, but they can tell you generally what happens. Nothing that happens is Ruinous and Unfixable - maybe summer school to make up a few classes, but even if she is planning to go on after her undergrad, nobody is going to fault a bad start if she finishes well. I think the only way to cure procrastination is to fall a bit because of it. </p>

<p>I would not let her email you papers though - she needs to find the resources on campus to help her and learn to ask for them. Ask her if her campus has a writing centre, or if she has talked to her advisor about reading papers, or even the professor that the paper is for. Don't enable failure-behavior!</p>

<p>edited to add: one of the reasons I am not a fan of most college orientation programs is that they seem designed to orient freshmen to socializing and partying, but not to academics. I think a lot of freshmen, after having spent a week of doing nothing but socializing struggle once classes start to balance their new college social life with their academics. I don't have a solution for how to change this, mind you, but I do think this is a component in why freshmen struggle so much - because their first week at campus is the opposite of academic. </p>

<p>Remember - half of the parents of all the freshman classes out there have this problem. And the other half are listening to their non-procrastinator children complain about their terrible roommates!</p>

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<p>Our expert procrastinator son slid through his high school years, studying as little as possible and still managed a pretty respectable 3.8 GPA. </p>

<p>I'm sure he planned on using the same 'method' last year as a college freshman. But something wonderful happened.....he found the work harder than anything he'd faced before. BUT also much more engaging.
He'd mention how 'busy' he was and didn't sound annoyed that school work was interfering with his social life!
He managed dean's list second semester with a bunch of A's and one C that he seemed especially proud of!</p>

<p>This year, I'm not worrying much.....he's shown himself (and us) that he can do it even though he had to devise a new 'plan'.</p>

<p>Hang in there and keep the communication open. Your D will find her own way.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
Time management sounds like the key here; if your D was a procrastinator in high school she may well have asumed that she could also put off essays and other assignments in college too.

[/quote]
I think Mattmom gave some great advice here. In addition, a kid used to getting As in high school may consider a B- or a C "bombing" a test. In my case it took me 3 semesters of 2.0-2.5 GPAs to get past my terrible HS (non) study habits and mature enough to figure out how to do well ni college. I'd suggest some patience to see just how bad the grades are and to give your D some time to figure out how to improve her performance. I'm a huge fan of going to a real challenging school ... and a likely outcome is that the student struggles for awhile before figuring out how to step up their academic performance. Good luck! (PS - for me having more financial skin in the game also helped improve my grades ... when I was paying I cared a lot more about the grades)</p>

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<p>thank you to everyone for your advice. I read and thought about what each of you had written, then used the suggestion that one parent had about broaching the subject by just asking about what she's studying in classes. That led to a discussion that allowed her to tell me that she felt she'd made some mistakes. At the end of it she said she would go to the academic support center to find out about ways to study more effectively.</p>

<p>I realized that my showing disappointment or holding penalties over her head would only add to her stress. She really does care about doing well. I'll try to relax and take the long(er) view. All the best to you.</p>

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<p>I don't know if it helps any, but part way through my daughter's freshman year, she sent out an e-mail, proclaiming herself the "Queen of Procrastination". </p>

<p>Peg</p>

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<p>I agree it's unrealistic to expect As or Bs when a kid starts college - colleges are very different and what's possible at one school may not work at another; add all the social and adjustment issues and kids don't always perform as they did in high school.</p>

<p>One thing to add: at some point, it's out of your hands (and your child's). There was a poster during the winter whose first semester freshman son was dismissed from a school because of a poor GPA. I don't remember the details, but I think that school's policies were especially harsh. All schools have some kind of policy and you can probably read it on the website. In addition to making use of the campus resources like writing clinics and math labs, there are often academic advisors (not major advisors, but people looking out for adjustment to college level work type issues). I do think kids should be made aware of what they need to do to remain at a school (minimum no. of hours per semester and minimum GPA is usually required).</p>

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<p>All of the policies are easily available by internet or a phone call. IF you are predicting major failure you will need to formulate a plan for the second semester.....that is not hard to do. What is required of students on probation at the girl's school? What limits are placed on students w/ academic problems? Some schools limit the number of courses these students can register for. Is your daughter going to have to retake courses? These are all worth investigating.</p>

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<p>Junebug, you know your daughter best and probably know the best approach in encouraging her to do her best. I agree with most posting here, that having been admitted she should be able to do the work and that time management may be the issue here.</p>

<p>However if she was in the bottom quartile of admittees she may find the academic environment somewhat more challenging and there is some chance that she is in over her head.</p>

<p>Also, what is here schedule like. If there are many early classes some student find this difficult, both in terms of just getting to class and then being on top of it when there. What are her courses like? Many frosh find intro college and math courses particularly hard. At most universities they are taught via the lecture/recitation method. Some frosh are taken aback with the large lecture. In addition some students who are able to skip Calc 1 are ill prepared to jump into Calc 2 first semester.</p>

<p>Another thing to ask yourself is how you think your daughter will respond to adversity. Some respond well to a challege others do not. Second semester our son bombed his first midterm in his major's "weed out" course Data Structures and Algorithms. He had studied very hard for the exam, had done very good on prior quizzes, labs and projects but something bad just happened with that midterm. He had gotten the grade just before we arrived for parents weekend and felt bad for him and his disappointment. Our advice was merely dont give up and salvage what you can in the class. He did just that and when his grade report came out he was utterly elated with the A in the dreaded DSA!!</p>

<p>Yes your daughter can probably recover from her midsemester slump. Your job is to figure out which buttons to push in order to encourage her to make the changes necessary to succeed.</p>

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<p>I think the key question is: Is she concerned? If she is doing poorly and doesn't care, that is a bigger problem. If she's concerned, what is SHE going to do about it? If she has a plan, let her execute it, otherwise help her to develop a plan to improve.</p>

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<p>No matter where one goes to school - whether Swarthmore or Podunk - exactly 50% of the students end up in the bottom half of the class. </p>

<p>I've always thought that the most underrated part of any school is the quality of the advising. With any luck, your d. should have one. This is whom she should be having the grades/study/assistance discussion with. If I were you, I'd push her strongly in that direction (I always use the argument - we PAID for it, now I expect you to use it.)</p>

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<p>mini's post reminds me of a concern I have had re the Tutoring Office/Academic Resource Office or whatever it's called on a given campus. These resources seem to be readily available and many here have suggested that the OP's daughter be encouraged to use them.</p>

<p>I certainly agree. But I wonder about the degree of reluctance a student might have to availing herself of these? I know I mentioned to my DS, prior to heading off for his Freshman year, that these things are available and he should absolutely use them if he should find himself in unexpected academic trouble -whether through courses too difficult, realizing he'd mismanaged his priorities. He <em>seemed</em> receptive. And I like mini's presentation - "we've PAID for it, so use it."</p>

<p>Has anyone got first hand experience with a reluctant student? Are students ready to jump on these resources? Experience convincing a reluctant student?</p>

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<p>At my d.'s school, there is an academic advisor, a major advisor, and an entire center devoted to "thinking and writing". They've worked hard to make it clear that these are not "remedial" services, but that it is expected that all students would avail themselves of the services. Full-time faculty work with students on their papers. Sessions are held to work with students on information technology. There are tutorials on oral presentation skills (you can even have yourself videotaped, and play it back.) There are extra language discusson groups, problem set groups. </p>

<p>So some of the reluctance can be overcome by the culture of the school. Having said that, an offer of a $50 check or some such can help overcome initial reluctance. (But, first, hopefully, comes a meeting with one's academic advisor.)</p>

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<p>For what it is worth. My mom encouraged me to go the writing center on my campus during my Frosh year......we met in NYC for T'giving and she knew I had lots of work and some papers due. What I found was that at the end of the term it is hard to get an appointment to even get into the writing center. Secondly.....the comments and edits are helpful but will add more work to the paper. So in conclusion I now make appointments early, use the time for edits during writing rather than on a completed papers and sometimes I encourage others to go. What I can tell you is that at my school MANY students use the writing center and most of these students are not failing or slackers or poor writers.</p>