New college parent overly concerned?

<p>Just to reinforce what Mini and JMMOM have said: The range of support services at many of these schools is amazing. They run the gamut from the faculty advisor, to a peer mentoring/advisor program, to student-staffed tutoring/study groups in many departments, to multi-day training sessions on study skills, to writing mentors, etc.</p>

<p>For example, one of the coolest programs at many schools is a student-staffed writing mentor program. These are students who have taken a special writing course to train them. You submit the first draft of your paper, the writing mentor reads it and then offers suggestions for improvement.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, all of these resources of often underused. I think one thing that parents can do is discuss these options, in advance, as things that are really worth taking advantage of. I began to suspect the value of these programs when a senior on the parents' Q&A session at my daughter's school mentioned that she had not used the writing mentor program until her sophmore year, but from that point on had gotten every paper she wrote for the next three years reviewed -- just to have a fresh set of eyes.</p>

<p>The other thing I would note is that "bombing" at least one course when the first mid-term grades come rolling in is probably a near-universal experience, although the defintion of "bombing" surely varies a great deal.</p>

<p>Be happy that she is having a good time - it would be worse if she was miserable. In my D's case, she was having too much fun and slipping a bit and so at the end of the freshman year I prorated her units for a whole year and calculated the dollar value for the units she missed. I then withheld that amount from the next years money and she had to take a loan to make up the shortfall. There are plenty of opportunities to take summer classes etc to make up and the money I withheld will be used for that. Now the mindset is failing class X will cost me $2000 + interest in loans and so the priorities are clearer.</p>

<p>As a parent you dont have much if any control anymore. I simply expect her to graduate and to do it with 4 years money. What grades shes gets are none of my business, though I insist that I see them.</p>

<p>Hi everyone. This was a great thread for me to read. I have been deeply depressed about my freshman son's poor start in college. He is extremely bright, acing the SAT's and SATII's and high school and is on partial scholarship to a fairly prestigious, but still very costly school. He is missing assignments, turning things in late, failing tests and giving his parents a lot of grief for not "leaving him alone!" I might add that we are still paying a hefty sum for him to be there.</p>

<p>We have tried most of the things people have suggested but his grades are not getting any better, actually he's doing worse. We've suggested study groups, test studying methods, the campus learning center, a tutor, meeting with the professors, etc. He balks. I finally convinced him to get a tutor but so far no improvement in his grades. He spends a LOT of time daily on his cell phone and stays up late every night claiming that "everyone" is up so there's no way he could sleep. He has also gotten involved in several campus activities and has developed a steady girlfriend.</p>

<p>We've tried linking doing poorly with not returning to the school and not paying for it, but that doesn't seem to bother him. He claims he'll just take out loans. . . I don't know who would possibly loan him that much money. He is totally at risk for losing his scholarship but is not taking the necessary measures to keep his grades up. He is adamant that he wants to go to this school but I am incredibly frustrated at the paradox of his lack of effort. We have fought repeatedly and are both tired of the arguments about the situation. I'm trying to just "let go" but it is SO hard!</p>

<p>Are there academic conditions on his scholarship? If he drops below a specific GPA does it drop away? It is interesting that he thinks he can get loans....without a cosignor. He can get loans but I suspect that if his tuition is high the federal loans he can get won't be enough. Are you or another family member going to help him get the additional funds? Doubtful. He can get federal loans and go to a cheaper school. Make sure you understand the financial aid situation so that when the implosion arrives you aren't so stressed. Make your decisions now and then wait for the circumstance. Many folks are so emotionally upset at the time of implosion that thinking clearly is difficult. I am sorry for your difficulty.</p>

<p>Chopper I know someone who has a son that attended a less competitive suny school as an oos student. He did not do well. He kept saying, "give me one more semester", mom said no (not sure how many semesters that took) and he commutes to a less competitive instate school now. This is working out better than living on his own. I guess he will get a degree.</p>

<p>Just curious, How do you know what is going on?</p>

<p>There are many such stories. I have a family friend who presented their daughter with the option of withdrawing at end of first term, moving home, getting out of housing contract and all.......school was quite agreeable when parents met w/ them and explained situation. Girl is in community college. Situation on grades was grim, social life was great, daughter was in a real jam but families proactive stance saved her from a bigger problem of flunking out which she would have done with a second semester.</p>

<p>chopper, What your son is saying about wanting to attend and then not doing well does not make sense to me. Do you feel that he is just having too much fun and not working enough, or do you think that he is doing the best he can, but the workload is over his head? Are there roomate problems that keep him up all night? Do you have a clear sense of where the difficulties are? I would begin exploring alternatives in case you don't want him going back in January.</p>

<p>In answer to several of your questions. . . yes, his scholarship does have GPA stipulations and if the end of the semester was now, he would lose the scholarship based on his current low grades. </p>

<p>The reason I know so much about his situation is that he has been very open with us about his activities, the girlfriend etc. I am also able to view his grades because of a school access program. We insisted on having his password since we are currently paying for most of his education.</p>

<p>He isn't having roommate troubles because he is in a "single". . . supposedly to have quiet study capabilities. </p>

<p>I know he thinks getting a loan would be like walking into a bank and them suddenly handing over $100,000 for his education. He has always placed little value on money or material things. He has never asked for much his entire life until he begged to go to this school. We relented even though he had full ride offers elsewhere. I just can't believe he is blowing it.</p>

<p>Your student will not be exploring alternatives......that job unfortunately falls on the adults. I would agree w/ northeastmom and develop a couple of good, workable alternatives......not just ideas. It sounds as if you are uncertain about the level of the academic distress.....failing tests is a problem. There are many things you can look into.......medical withdraw if that is indicated, taking a term off, cutting your losses in a class he cannot possibly pass. Begin by familiarizing yourself w/ the rules of his present school, make an appointment there and find out the suggestions the school offers. This is not the first time the school has had this happen. They will want a good resolution as will you. I would not wait until the holiday season and the discovery of failing grades to arrive in the mail or online. Now is the time to learn the rules, the options if the school offers some to you and your willingness to pay more money and watch you son fail.</p>

<p>Thanks Hazmat, I have tried to do part of what you're suggesting. I found that he is required to have a 1.8 GPA and then goes onto academic probation. Two semesters on academic probation and he is out. As far as the failing tests, etc. He seems to be over his head in a second year class he was placed in. He also totally missed an assignment in one class= a zero. He was late on another = a zero, and half way did another = F. His latest test failing in another class was probably due to underpreparation.</p>

<p>It is too late for him to withdraw from any of his classes. We seriously thought about it at one point, but then he wouldn't have enough credit hours to be a full time student and that would cause a loss of his scholarship. He was still (and IS still) convinced he can turn it all around. I do not have his confidence because I am not seeing a change in his behavior.</p>

<p>Hazmat, a question. Should I honor my son's request to "leave him alone" to redeem himself or should I ask to meet with someone at the school. I've even pondered contacting his counselor and asking him to meet with him. He is adamant that I not interfere so I am hesitant to take action. I'm not even sure who it is I would call at the school to talk to.</p>

<p>The problems with chopper and junebud's child occurs very often for freshmen in college, a lot of my friend's kids got into this kind of problem (more or less though) in their first year.....I am thinking is it because they have been working too hard at high school that they didn't get enough of social life, so once they get into an enviroment where they have all kinds of oppotunity to hang around with their friends, they get overwelmed? </p>

<p>My son is always a very self-motivated person, but in this summer math camp that he went, he was so overwelmed by being able to hang around with friends day and night that he ended up spend a lot of his spare time just being together with friends instead of doing math work, although before he went, he had a very big plan of doing alot of math, finish so and so books etc,the plan vanished the day he got into the camp........we both learned a lesson from this, it's a good discovery that may save us a lot of trouble later....</p>

<p>I agree he is enjoying the social life. He appears to totally lack discipline when it comes to study habits, saying "no" to friends or deciding for himself that he should forego an activity because studying should come first. </p>

<p>I also think he was so used to putting forth a small amount of effort to get A's that the workload requirment to get A's at a challenging school in a tough major is overwhelming to him.</p>

<p>Chopper:</p>

<p>If your S is unwilling for you to intervene, he will be unwilling to follow through whatever advice his advisor will supply. The desire to turn around and focus on his studies has to come from him. All the advisor can do is to advise and lay out the consequences of failure--which he knows.</p>

<p>As for taking out loans, you need to spell out the full implications of that. Even if he were able to walk into a bank and borrow the money, he needs to know what it would mean in terms of repayment, in terms of having to work to pay off the debt. For someone who does not care about money, his life will be dominated by monetary considerations. But he needs to be given concrete examples of what it means in real life.</p>

<p>I guess I thought that maybe he would listen to someone else like an advisor. You know how kids always ignore things that parents say but someone else can say the same thing and they listen?</p>

<p>That sounds like a good idea to figure out the loan implications and spell it out. I think he doesn't value money because he isn't into material things. He's happy without having the latest gadget or the best car or whatever. </p>

<p>He thinks he's going to go to Grad school too and doesn't seem to understand that poor grades now will slam doors in his face later.</p>

<p>chopper, I think that if this were my son, I would give him the choice of going to his advisor asap, or that I would have to, b/c this is my investment in him. I thought that many schools have safety nets set for freshman so that they can help their students succeed, and keep their retention rates high.</p>

<p>I would also worry about his emotional well-being b/c of his current lack of success in his classes. I would think must be creating a lot of stress for him. I would not him to be alone, while figuring out a solution.</p>

<p>Small amount of effort and missing assignments.....that doesn't equate in my mind. Missing assignments is an indication of giving up.....inability to motivate himself. This is a totally different problem than working hard and not being able to get up the mountain due to lack of background.....being in a class that is too high a level. I think that perhaps there are other issues at play. It doesn't change the outcome or your problem but it does perhaps make a parent want to look further into the "problem". It seems to me that placement is not the true difficulty.</p>

<p>Chopper:</p>

<p>It's true that kids will listen more readily to someone else besides their parents. I would expect that if he pulled the kind of grades you have outlined, a proactive advisor would be summoning him for a talk. The finaid officer would, too. So perhaps it is a good idea to call the advisor and ask him/her to contact your S and schedule an appointment.<br>
Meanwhile, lay out the implications of having to pay back educational loans. It's not about not having the best car or gadget: it's about not being able to afford to rent his own apartment, having to eat macaroni and cheese day in day out, and being in debt still in his 40s and 50s.
Also, tell him that he can kiss good bye to grad school if he continues to get grades like that. You need to be tough.</p>

<p>Are you prepared to have him return to your home.....no job......needs health insurance and transportation. Six months out having to pay a school loan?? What are your feelings about providing for him when the scholarship and your willingness to pay tuition end......or the school invites him to leave??? Are you willing to pay the next school??? A couple of other questions......is your son the only student from your HS at this college? How many students in the past have attended this college? Geographically how far away are you? Do you know any parents of other students or an alum? Are there younger children in your home or is this an "only"?</p>