<p>Cousin became addicted to online poker in his final year of college. Thankfully he managed to graduate simply because he didn't start playing until his senior year. However, I believe he missed out on a job because he missed the final interview and then lost his first job to playing online on company time or his computer at work or something. Stupid waste of potential. Then again, here I am posting in a forum at 1pm on a friday afternoon and as a stay at home parent dont even have a job.... hmmmm</p>
<p>Thanks, oldfort. I guess we had it wrong. I found the same section you did - #5. </p>
<p>It's good to know we don't have any limitations on access to grades, given that we're footing the bill.</p>
<p>oldfort...Can you simplify what you just said? I guess I'm kind of slow. Are you saying that the FERPA form covers everything, but if student won't sign, you can produce a copy of your tax return to get the same information?</p>
<p>Our objective is to keep him enrolled. Some more info ... It's a private liberal arts college and we pay 100%. He's a very bright kid (operative) and says it's too easy yet he make "stupid mistakes". The absolute last resort his withdrawal. It would be such a waste. Thanks for all the input.</p>
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<blockquote> <p>The absolute last resort his withdrawal.>> Not if he loses that scholarship....you say you pay 100% but then you say he has a scholarship...which is it?</p> </blockquote>
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<p>I do have a problem with you accessing your son's email without his knowledge. We have access to information at our kids' colleges..but not their email. The access to the college information was a MUST if they wanted us to pay any portion of the bill. </p>
<p>I think having access to your kid's grades, and college information are VERY different than having access to their email without their knowledge. I'm sorry, but I just don't agree with this. </p>
<p>However, I do believe you are certainly able to say you won't pay any more money if he loses his scholarship. Agreed with others...if he's been blowing off classes all semester, it may be way too late to do anything about his grades.</p>
<p>The only way we use his email account is to access the school info you refer to. We do not open or read any personal mail should he actually use this account for such purposes. I'm sorry you don't agree with the use of the email but, it's the ONLY access we have and the only way we are able to get a clue as to his standing at school.</p>
<p>Oh missypie - don't forget that if you don't give your child the chance - you will never know what might have been. We too thought keeping him home this (first) year might be better but, in the past - when in doubt, he has always stepped-up-to-the-plate. This is the first time we have been disappointed and are hoping to find the one thing to motivate him to "do his job" and not waste his opportunity. No matter what happens - at least we will never wonder "what if"! :)</p>
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<blockquote> <p>We have access to his email (no he does not know) and noticed he not attending class, not handing in papers ... all the things one is to do.>></p> </blockquote>
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<p>How do you know he's not attending class and handing in papers?</p>
<p>Thumper,</p>
<p>First, yes we pay 100% ... ($~24000 for two semesters) and the scholarship pays approximately $15,000. So 100% after assistance.</p>
<p>Second, One example ...He emails his teacher indicating he's has fallen asleep (in the afternoon) and as result did not hand in his paper. Also, just before thanksgiving break he wrote in sick for two days ... we called he wasn't sick then or when we picked him up. So between conversations and emails and what our daughter shares, we have a good idea.</p>
<p>But all that really doesn't matter what matters is how does one motivate an 18 year old?</p>
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<blockquote> <p>He emails his teacher indicating he's has fallen asleep (in the afternoon) and as result did not hand in his paper. Also, just before thanksgiving break he wrote in sick for two days >></p> </blockquote>
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<p>But you said you do NOT read his email.</p>
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<blockquote> <p>But all that really doesn't matter what matters is how does one motivate an 18 year old?>></p> </blockquote>
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<p>My kids both had merit scholarships...and both knew that if they were lost, we would NOT pay the difference ($10,000 per year). That would have meant that they would NOT have been able to continue to attend the college they were attending. </p>
<p>Are you willing to pay that $15,000 difference? If not, your son should be aware of that. If he isn't sufficiently motivated to keep the grades for that scholarship, them maybe he should not be attending that school.</p>
<p>toledo - as long as the student is a dependent on your tax return, you have the right to the student's academic and health records. It has nothing to do whether you are paying for the tuition. The student could have his grandparents or someone else be responsible for his college tuition, but they wouldn't have the right too look at his records. My sister, who is a lawyer, has said that many institutions and parents have misinterpreted the law. Most people incorrectly assume once a student is over the age of 18 then parents no longer have the right to a student's record. My daughter's school has no problem in disclosing any information to me, and it includes the health center.</p>
<p>To carry it further, you could sign the form itself and request the school to send the student's record anywhere without necessary the student's consent. You do not need the student to sign the form to permit the school to give you the information.</p>
<p>Only his school email account NOT his personal accounts... i.e. yahoo facebook, etc which are his personal emails accounts and do not have access.</p>
<p>Yes he's aware of it (losing his scholarship) but he thinks he is "doing nothing wrong". He mentioned he was in a four day video game marathon before TG break (thus his sick emails to his professors). The week before exams nothing appears to have change (late papers, missing class). In our opinion he's so enthralled he cannot see the end game. How do we change that or get him to see the forest amongst the trees?</p>
<p>I think it's appropriate to expect a high school student to demonstrate some consistent academic and independent living skills before giving them a "chance " at an expensive residential education.</p>
<p>In 2004 my d's school misinterpreted that law and she was majorly depressed and sleeping through classes, etc. She had pushed away any friends and was not answering her phone or returning her calls. Calls to the school were met with "We cannot violate privacy." I have never been so ticked to spend almost 600 on a last minute plane ticket to a place that would have typically cost 250.</p>
<p>The next year they changed it so that your student had to sign a release and then you could get info. </p>
<p>However, since I couldn't even review claims for my son via our health insurance, I have to say this whole privacy thing has gotten a little screwy in a lot more ways than one.</p>
<p>So here we are:
When looking for motivational suggestions we have found many bent over how we are getting information which really has nothing to do with the subject but now that we know there might be other ways, we will persue those. At least we now know who to contact and who knows, maybe him knowing we have privy to the info. will also help.
So - Thanks!</p>
<p>When looking for motivational suggestions we have found those who say "I let my kid fail and drop out". Although that may work for some, we are willing to give it our all to ensure a different type of future for our son. Kids need to learn to stand on their own two feet but they still need there parents and it is beyond me how a parent can just give up and let so much potential be wasted? So - thanks, now I really know I want to hang in there and give it my best!</p>
<p>When looking for motivational suggestions some suggested withdrawing funds. Although we've thrown it out there and it appears to have fallen on (his) deaf ears, he will have a financial wake up call if/when his grades are below B's. At the cost of thousands of dollars per class, the last few months may turn out to be expensive for him. We'll have to see if "money" talks loudly enough to him. Hopefully it will and maybe not only will he decide to give it effort next semester but give it his best effort. So - Thanks, it's nice to know others think we're on the right track.</p>
<p>When looking for motivational suggestions we have found our thoughts were pretty common (which is good to hear) but it has also pushed us to start thinking creatively. Maybe he needs a reality check as to why education is so important. Maybe he needs to get more involved in the less fortunate area of his school community so he can see first hand how uneductated, less successful people live and how they struggle. Maybe he needs to spend time with his nose in the help wanted adds, while home on break, to see how few jobs are out there, what types of people are being hired, and what kind of pay is available in this unfortunate economy. </p>
<p>So here we are . . . have we found THE way to motivate our son to work hard and do his best at school - I don't know. What I do know is that there has got to be a way to get through, that there is help out there, and that we can't give up, because he is worth it!
So - thanks!!!! Happy Holidays!!!</p>
<p>"The only way we use his email account is to access the school info you refer to."</p>
<p>I see no reason for this. I think it's perfectly fine to hold him accountable for end of semester grades -- to require him to show them to you, and to require him to meet a certain gpa in order for your economic support to continue.</p>
<p>I don't see any reason, though, for you to monitor his grades all semester. He's not an elementary school kid any more. You can't make him do his homework. It's time for him to be responsible for himself. If he chooses to blow off his tests, skip class or not do homework, you can't make him do these things anyway.</p>
<p>What you can do is hold him responsible for his end of semester grades, and for him to continue getting economic help with college from you, it's certainly within your rights to require him to show you his end of semester grades, and for those grades to be at a certain level for you to continue to help with his college costs.</p>
<p>It's time for your S to grow up. Let him be responsible for his academic work during the semester, and then hold him to any consequences at semester's end.</p>
<p>"When looking for motivational suggestions we have found those who say "I let my kid fail and drop out". "</p>
<p>Here's a different take: H and I bent over backward to help older S not fail in college, he still failed and dropped out. Our actions including having H fly 1,000 miles to S's college to meet with S and S's advisor after S had major grade problems first semester. Advisor went way out of her way to connect S with professors whom he should have flourished under (S was one of the college's top entering frosh, and claimed to have had bad grades because the courses were so easy he didn't bother going to class), and she also enrolled him in a workshop to strengthen his study skills. Result: S got even worse grades second semester and dropped out.</p>
<p>Our mistake was not having S come home after he got low grades first semester. Despite being highly intelligent and claiming to want to be at college, S was too immature for college. He didn't begin to take responsibility for himself until he had to take full financial responsibility for his life. At 24, he hasn't returned to college, but is living independently and supporting himself.</p>
<p>When younger S got severe senioritis, H and I decided that h.s. senior year was sink or swim time, and told that S that if he got bad grades, we wouldn't pay for college until he proved himself to us by getting good grades for at least a year. S almost didnt graduate from h.s. because of a backlog of past due papers that he managed to make up at the last minute, and his final grades reflected his senioritis.</p>
<p>He spent a gap year living at home, paying rent, and being a fulltime Americorps volunteer. Then, he went to the college of his choice using his Americorps savings and scholarship, merit aid, a loan we co-signed for, and a parttime job. </p>
<p>He was delighted to be in college -- for the right reasons, organized his time well, chose bright, hardworking friends not into partying, and ended the year with an A- average, and having participated in some productive ECs.</p>
<p>H and I never asked about his grades of study habits. In fact, we didn't even have to ask him to show us his end of semester grades. He virtually waited by the mailbox for them to arrive he was so excited about how well he was doing. </p>
<p>So, that's our story, and our experience leads me to believe that the best thing you can do is back off while holding students accountable for maintaining an acceptable gpa. </p>
<p>I've also taught college, and saw many students return to college and do well after losing scholarships and having to take time off due to low grades. Although I saw some parents try to motivate students with grade problems, I never saw that kind of parent oversight work. At their age, college students tend to have to learn these kind of life lessons by living them.</p>
<p>Thanks for sharing your story with us.</p>
<p>I think everyone's experience is different and there is no one right way for any situation. My son failed first year engineering, mainly because of unremediated LDs. At 21, he is starting all over again. We would have done anything to prevent the failure back then. </p>
<p>I don't know if his failure gave him a valuable life lesson, it's too early to tell. He is much more committed to his school work now, it wasn't as if he was not before, but he didn't know how to cope back then. For his first year, once he fell behind, everything became so overwhelming for him and he failed. He is much more in control this year. The other significant difference is that we live much closer to his college now, he is only an hour away and comes home about twice a month average. Before he was 600 miles away and we only see him during semester break and talk to him maybe once a month, thinking of giving him space. We thought that was part of letting him grow up and find his way. </p>
<p>We are much more involved this time. Our previous idea that once the children went off to college, all that remained for us to do was to write checks for 4 years like what our parents did for us and then they will go off and discover the world and we will see them around the major holiday .... how wrong and naive we were. We practically talk to him on Skype everyday and go through his day with him, because one of his big problems was executive function issues. That was a condition we set before he return to school. We have access to all his school records, email and his permission to talk to any and all his advisers. From day one of the current term, he seem to be on top and in control and doing all the right things, so we never once accessed his email, records or talked to his advisers but we have that understanding with him. I don't know how many people have the resources to let the children have the leeway to fail and find themselves time and again, certainly not us. That's the reason we gave our son and he accepts it.</p>
<p>"We practically talk to him on Skype everyday and go through his day with him, because one of his big problems was executive function issues. That was a condition we set before he return to school"</p>
<p>How do you anticipate his being able to handle all of the tasks of a job? What are your plans for weaning him off your supervision?</p>
<p>"I don't know how many people have the resources to let the children have the leeway to fail and find themselves time and again, certainly not us. "</p>
<p>I don't see it as the parents responsibility to fund education or other economic support for an adult offspring who keeps failing in college. Our house rule is that unless our kids are in college fulltime and getting the grades that H and I require, after high school, they will be self supporting. If they live at home, they would be paying rent and for their expenses.</p>
<p>H's parents thought we were mean to do this with older S after he flunked out of college, so my SIL -- a single, childless, professional middle aged woman, allowed S to live with her rent free. Although he had worked since he was 16, while living in her comfortable quarters, he didn't even bother to look for work. Instead, he devoted his time to partying and starting a rock band.</p>
<p>When she finally retired and moved away, he found he didn't like living in the quarters of his deadbeat friends, so he moved to a new city, found work, and has been supporting himself. He even kicked out one of his roommates because the roommate refused to find work.</p>
<p>At 24, he has never returned to college, and his options would be much better if he had. However, H and I can't make him return to college. I know some very bright people who did what S is doing and the returned to college, and became professionals, even college professors. I know others who ended up taking vocational paths even though they had started out as engineering majors. One friend's son, who dropped out of college where he was on an engineering scholarship, even ended up living in his car for a while before he got his life together.</p>
<p>We can love our kids, but we can't force them to live the kind of lives that would save them heartbreak and stress. Sometimes, too, the longer we attempt to take charge of their lives, the longer it takes for them to develop the motivation and skills to become responsible adults.</p>