For me one of the biggest cons of Greek life is the situation in which the OP’s son finds himself. And it seems to me really easy to fix.
MODERATOR’S NOTE:
I’m not sure what GPAs by major, joke majors, etc. have to do with the OP’s situation, (further compounded by debating these definitions), so I deleted a bunch of posts. Let’s stick to topic please
@IAMaconcerned , Given that all your son’s friends who he was with were known well enough to get offered a spot, I would guess your son was known well enough to get flushed. The text response he got seems to indicate that. The reason, like I mentioned earlier, could be something trivial or even something not true. Maybe he held back while his friends carried the conversation. At this point it doesn’t matter.
He has to decide whether rushing a different house is still an interest. It is likely still a good idea. For a highly social kid, maintaining that level is a biological imperative. I am sorry he has to go through this but it sounds like he is handling it well. Another option is to join a sports club like rugby or water polo which would give a fraternity-like experience, complete with a house and parties, without some of the more cultish aspects of Greek Life.
And no, he should not mention the scholarship ever. That would be straight out of the “freshman bragging syndrome” that is such an automatic disqualifier. There are more circumspect ways to bring up being a good student.
For reference, I was in a fraternity and highly recommend it to those who will benefit. I do not like everything about the system, but cramming 50 guys into an 18 bedroom house requires some level of judgment for social fit. The rest is noise.
None of my kids joined unless you count D’s invitation to PBK. In fact, D made it all through college without ever stepping foot in a fraternity or sorority house. Participation is optional.
@skieurope The ranking was partly relevant as the OPs son wanted to join the top house. Knowing the tiers can help someone navigate the competitiveness of getting in and can build a schedule of which houses to rush and allocation of time spent off of that knowledge.
@10s4life The partly relevant part I salvaged as best I could. The debate over how to tier in general and the ensuing debate on whether top houses lead to top jobs and GPA ranking by house were too far afield. And that’s without making comment on some posts that I found borderline offensive to stereotype.
A student next door Freshman year did not get a bid. He found five more of a like mind and they started their own house! They all shared an interest in physics. The house has been on campus for over 50 years!
This is simply cruel. On bright side, he is lucky he won’t be influenced by such mean culture.
Dean was one of the kindest and smartest people you could ever meet,and he was a man of action. On the surface he was very quiet. Too quiet for a collection of extroverts.
My freshman roommate and I both tried to get him into our respective fraternity houses and experienced a process known as the “blackball.” All it took was one autonomous black ball to keep a student out, but members were permitted to speak out regarding the vote and a new vote could be taken. Sometimes it worked. Today I see this as the negative side of “tribalism.” When I had family issues later, the positive side of the fraternity family came through for me.
When we encounter this discrimination, our response is important and can be instructional to all sides of the blackball issue. Like it or not, tribalism is a very basic part of human nature. Dean took positive action to resolve this case. He got together a great collection of individuals who had a very inclusive perspective. Many fraternity bothers discussed this issue in concurrent meetings.
This lesson set the stage for a better understanding of Benedict Anderson’s “Imagined Communities.” It is the rout of more than fraternity admission. It explains a lot about “us.”
I am in a conservative field. I think learning to dress well for an interview, how to handle yourself, what not to say etc. can be good lessons. I do not think you can only learn this lesson in a sorority or a fraternity. However, I think we do a disservice to students if we do not tell them the truth: it is hard to get a job with blue hair, visible neck tattoos and inappropriate interview attire. Also, what you post online will be looked up by recruiters. I had a student tell me that she was being “judged” and I said you are 100% correct. This is what a job interview is.
@woodlandsmom very true and well said! Teaching kids how to dress for an interview is very important and I do agree that a sorority or fraternity is not the only place to learn about that sort of stuff…
HI Everyone,
I started this post last January and am happy to let you all know that my son re-rushed this Fall and did get into his choice house (not the same one he rushed last year). Although he had a really hard spring semester (watching all of his friends pledge and feeling a bit socially isolated) there were a few silver linings that I’d like to share for other parents who may be in the same boat. First- having some time and distance between the two rush periods gave him some additional perspective and clarity about which house was the right house for him. Initially he thought that House A was the right house- but as it turns out- he feels that he jives better with the guys in House B - that he is currently pledging. Second, he grew as a person. He learned about how to take care of himself and manage his emotions. He worked out, helped in the homeless shelter and planned several weekend trips to other universities to visit high school friends. Although it was hard to watch his disappointment- these are life lessons that help shape character. I was really proud of the way he handled it. Third, as a parent- I learned to “let go”. Long gone are the days of hiring a tutor, adding coaching sessions or calling a teacher, etc. At this point it is all his journey. There was nothing I could do to help except be there to listen when he needed it. That was a true lesson for me and for that I’m grateful. I really do believe that everything happens for a reason and works out in the end- so just wanted to share my story and say thanks to all of you for all of the advice.
God Bless
Kudos to your son for persevering through challenging times. making the best of his situation, and growing as a person over the last year. It sounds to me like things ultimately worked out for the best as he is pledging to a frat that is a better fit for him.
And @IAmConcerned kudos to you for walking that thin line by being there to support your son while also letting go.
@IAmConcerned - Thank you for the update. I am so happy to hear that your S found his “people” and that it all worked so well for him. Kudos to him for using this experience to grow and to volunteer to help others.
I’m happy for both of you.
@IAMaconcerned Wow such a great ending! Thanks for sharing! It must have been tough in the moment but glad it all worked out and he found the perfect house for him. Nothing better than finding the ideal house where it just fits. Hope he enjoys pledging, it’s gonna be the best thing he will never want to do again :). So glad this worked out though. Feel free to reach out if you have any other questions.
I’m glad it ended up working out. And I do hope his volunteer work and contact with his old friends continue as well.
So glad it worked out! I think waiting to see what is a good fit works well when possible. My S rushed late and is now the President! He found the perfect house for his as I’m sure your S has. I will say Greek life has helped my son grow in maturity, take leadership, become more responsible and interact more with alumni and people from all over the country. There are other ways but for some kids Greek life can be very positive! I’m sure he will have a great time and there are so many opportunities for volunteer work within the fraternity as well as social events!
Thanks @10s4life for all of your advice during the past 8 months. It was more helpful than you realize. He is now pledging and doesn’t know how long that will go on for or if there are more cuts at this point. He says its going well- he likes the guys and they don’t have the pledges doing anything bad. In your experience- where does it go from here? It seems like if they just do what is asked they are in-- but not really sure and he doesn’t know how long the pledge period is. Do they make cuts during the pledge period?
@IAMaconcerned It’s not a problem! I assume he goes to a semester school so its been a few weeks or so. The longest he can prob expect is about a semester for pledging. It depends, some houses take a lot of guys then cut a lot. Some take a lot of guys and cut none. In my house, we are pretty selective at rush so in general, most of our pledge class will make it through. As long as the actives like him and he doesn’t mess up he should be good. Glad to hear the pledges aren’t doing anything too crazy. Don’t be surprised if there are cuts throughout the process. Congrats on him enjoying pledging so far!