Time to send these students in social cliques to Saturday detention and begin the healing a la “Breakfast Club,” where the brain, athlete, basket case, princess and the criminal can get together and become friends. :))
I just remembered when I first started to dislike the sorority/fraternity system. My mom typed for students and professors when I was growing up, and she paid me to proofread for her. One of her jobs was typing up comments that girls in a UT sorority had written about the rushees. Oh, my gosh, so many superficial and mean comments. That’s when I knew I would never go through rush, even when people encouraged me to.
A practical note for OP before I bow out of this thread. If your son does join a fraternity in the future, have him get a sizeable personal liability insurance policy. He is an adult and needs separate coverage. Though you can not insure against criminal conduct, the civil suits can be ruinous, as certain Penn State fraternity members are discovering. Good luck.
At some point, people have to just get over the fact that you can’t be everything for everybody. If there are groups that don’t want you for whatever reason, fine.It may hurt your feelings (that’s the get over it part) but so what. Life is full of these situations both professionally and personally (heck my wife still jokes about when she got kicked out of Mom’s Club - she thought all you had to do was be a mom to join but we didn’t live int he right neighborhood).
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Daughter is a performing artist at a performing arts HS. Cut throat. Very competitive situation to get in to the many shows they put on. The director has made it very clear (he was a casting director on Broadway for yrs) that there are a hundred reasons why a director won’t cast someone. Most of the time your looks prevent you from having any chance at particular roles. If the director wants a 5’5" blonde leading lady, my 5’0" brunette daughter has NO shot at it even if she has more talent. Just the way it is. (actually she’s been told she’ll get lots of character work later in life because they always need a quirky looking tom boy, but to forget about other types of roles. Is she offended? Maybe. But she’s more focused on getting those roles!)
It’s not just as bad, actually. This is well studied and documented.
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It is a fact that participation in greek life is more dangerous for college women, in particular, in terms of higher risk of sexual abuse, alcohol abuse and other Bad Things That Can Happen in College. (https://www.nij.gov/topics/crime/rape-sexual-violence/campus/pages/increased-risk.aspx or https://www.researchgate.net/publication/24442315_Sorority_Participation_and_Sexual_Assault_Risk among others.
I’d have told my daughter to tell them she’s not going anywhere. And if they pushed it, I’d get involved. That’s ridiculous.
Or is the appropriate reaction to that type of thing to try to join science club so she too can tell other students to leave?
Hi Everyone,
I have enjoyed reading all of your comments and feel that I am not alone. I think as parents we can all agree that we don’t want to see our kids upset- for whatever reason. Whether or not I approve or disapprove of Greek life doesn’t matter- the bottom line is that my son got rejected and it hurts to be excluded (it doesn’t matter what the group is). Will he move on?- of course- is this a life lesson?-- of course-- but it still is going to take some time for him to re-group. The hardest part is that his friends all got BIDS and they are all currently pledging. He is living right in the smack middle of it- which is hard because he is sitting in the dorm while his friends and roommate are out and about doing whatever they need to do to pledge. On a positive note he has been going to the gym, making plans to go visit friends from other schools and putting his efforts towards his school work. He decided that he wants to rush again in the Fall and I hope that it goes better for him. I do have a few questions for @10s4life (or others) about advice for his second time rush:
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we found out that he focused most of his energy on one specific house. This is the #1 ranked house currently at his school and competitive to get in. He has a friend from his high school in that fraternity who told him that he needed to show interest and spend his time there. It also sounded like the friend led him to believe he was IN but when the time came for a BID he came up short. He texted the friend who replied that he “tried as hard as he could but it didn’t work out”. Wondering what you think may have happened? Maybe he did something stupid? Or they just didn’t like him? Or they didn’t have enough space? What are your thoughts on how to approach this differently?
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My son is in the Honors College and received a full merit scholarship. He did not share this when he was rushing- I am not sure why (he is not talking about it much) - but I think he thought it would hurt his chances and he didn’t want to seem like he was bragging. My thought is that it would help him to share that- don’t fraternities want smart kids with high GPAS? Or are there some fraternities that this would be a turn off?
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As I mentioned, all of his core group of friends are currently pledging. I told him that he needs to use these friends to get to know the other brothers in the fraternity and that will increase his chances next year if he knows more people. He said they are busy pledging and there are not any opportunities for him to hang out with them. Is that true? When does pledging end? Do brothers invite non-brothers to events?
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My son has always been right in the middle of the social scene and has always had a lot of friends. All of his friends from high school have joined fraternities and his current college friends are all pledging- so I do think this is the right tribe for him. I think he may be quiet at times when he is just meeting a group and is not the kid that is going to get right in your face. I wonder if that may have hurt him while rushing? Or maybe he was too nervous? I don’t know …
Would love your thoughts/advice on this-- thanks everyone !
@IAMaconcerned I’ll try and pm you later. If you’re not at least a junior member I don’t think pm will work so I’ll post a reply here. But I do have answers for your questions there.
That’s risky if the goal is to get a bid. If he only wants that house, then that’s how he has to go, but it is very risky. Several of my sorority sisters had daughters who did not receive bids to our house (either at our campus or at other campuses around the country). Most joined other sororities and enjoyed it.
I have read stories about kids who pulled out of school when they didn’t get accepted into their one and only choice. Please, it is not that important.
Thanks @10s4life . I don’t know how to pm or how to become a junior member but will look into it! Thanks so much !!
@Iamconcerned You need to have 15 posts before you can initiate a PM, but they can PM you.
So he needs to learn from his mistakes. His first mistake is focusing on one house, and the “#1” house at that. He needs to cast a wider net. He has to approach it strategically. First, before rush even starts, do his research. Which houses are tops, middle and bottom in academics (does his school publish grades)? Which houses are known as the “party” houses. Which house have a good balance between academics and parties? Which houses are, or have been in recent trouble (again does his school publish disciplinary status)? News reports and campus grapevine can help here. From that information, make a list of 3-5 houses (plus some backups).
Then, if his school gives him the opportunity to meet all of the houses (my kid’s had rush tables at the union), go in and talk to as many houses as possible. Modify the list based on those conversations. Then based on the house rush events, divide the time as best as possible. Early on, try to hit all the houses on the list. Then as the week goes on, narrow down the list based on the conversations and feedback. Spend more and more time at the houses (more than 1) which seem most promising. But, he has to be honest with himself as to whether he fits – if he isn’t a party animal, then rushing Animal House is probably not going to work out. And remember, you don’t have a bid until it is in your hand (no matter who says what).
The scholarship wouldn’t be important. His GPA might be to some that are more academically inclined. But not relevant for most – as long as he meets the minimum. So if he is rushing the no 1 or 2 house in grades for the past few years, sure gpa may be important.
His friends who are pledging will have little time to hang with him. Pledging consists of house activities, homework, food and sleep. So he should hang tight and help his buddies out if needed. Then next rush period he should lean on his buddies to make the introductions.
If the kid is reasonably social, he’ll be fine. I think his big problem was restricting his activity to 1 house. He should just be himself and not try to put on a “frat boy” act or anything. They are looking for “normal dudes” – maybe today’s word is “chill.” They don’t want kids who will be high risks, loud and obnoxious, jerks, etc. Wish him luck.
Of course rejection is painful in all these different life circumstances. The question is whether the rejection serves an important purpose versus whether it is gratuitous.
If you want to make excellent music, you need to recruit the best musicians and reject the rest. If you want to run a profitable business, you need to recruit the best employees and reject the rest.
But to build excellent college friendships or run an excellent social house, it’s not at all clear to me that you need to have a competitive selection process, especially not one run by fellow students. I’d like to see more colleges provide Yale/Rice/etc.-style houses. They work great. As do the sign-in clubs at Princeton that allow any interested student to join and hold a lottery for the overflow. So for me, that’s a sign that this form of rejection is gratuitous. It’s possible for colleges to build in a lot of the upside with none of the down.
@IAMaconcerned Figured I might as well post it here so if someone else stumbles upon it in your situation they can read it too.
In regards to him living in the middle of it, I can totally understand how much that sucks. This past pledge class we had two guys in a triple and their third roommate did not get a bid from us and had to watch them pledge without him. I can imagine its not a great feeling. But to answer your questions.
- Like in my original response rushing only one house (suicide rushing) is not the smart move no matter how cool a person is. You just never know what the fraternity will decide. Especially since this was the top house on campus. The PNM does need to show interest but there's a difference between that and only rushing one house. A single active will have limited influence on someone getting in unless they are directly involved with the recruitment leadership team. What I think happened was this: At the post rush meeting your son's name came up next. Seeing as he was texted to return to presumably get a bid he was probably held by the house. That means he's neither a hold or a no bid and they wanna see him more. The friend probably vouched for him but there was enough members in the chapter or on recruitment to stop a bid. It could be cause he dressed differently, had an odd conversation, or some other reason. For the future I would rush multiple houses in different tiers to keep your options open. You don't have to rush a so called bottom tiered house but at least rush more than just the top. I am in what Is considered an "upper house" on campus and there are a lot of people rushing us so we can be very selective when choosing. The dividing point can be very small on bid and no bid. Is there a reason why he only wanted this top house? Coming from experience there's pros and cons to joining a house like that. I have seen that even a middle tier house can be a great experience.
- A full ride is pretty dope. If it comes up I don't see how mentioning it can hurt. Bragging about it is a turn off but if your son thought it would make him seem like a nerd don't worry its pretty cool. And a cool kid with a high gpa is a plus especially if everyone see is kind of dumb. Just don't use it as a bragging point.
- I agree he needs to use these friends to branch out especially if they are in the house he wants. Know that personal connections are the best way to accelerate getting a bid. And he can see if the house is a good fit for him prior to rush. It is true that pledging becomes another class per say. But there should be time to grab food or do minor things on the weekends. Going to the gym together is an easy way to stay connected. Brothers can invite non brothers to the house to hang or maybe as a guest to a party. Find a way for him to get invited to do non fraternity things with his friends and their pledge class. If they all like him then he can be set for fall. Dorm dining halls are prime for that since pledge classes eat together a lot. Pledges certainly can't. Pledging is typically anywhere from SAE having no "pledging" (initiation within 96 hours of rush ending) to about 10 weeks for other houses.
- He seems really social and in the "greek group" already. If he's a bit quiet that may hurt him at rush if that means he comes off as awkward so tell him restrained confidence is key. Nervousness can also be a thing. There are people that are nervous first day or rush but as it goes on they open up. Dont worry the actives also don't wanna mess up either :).
Hope this answers your question. Of course feel free to reach out if anything else needs clarification.
Thanks @10s4life and @yourmomma for the advice. I have just a few more questions: I am not sure what “being held by the house means” and if they want to see him more why did they cut him ? Also- is it cool/ok to hang out with a pledge class if you got cut? (i.e. in the dining hall?) I think he is shying away from hanging out with them because he feels awkward.
@IAMaconcerned Being “held” means the house has neither decided to bid or disqualify the person. Basically its a gray area and they are still deciding. A person is considered a hold until they get a bid. Did he get cut as in they said he won’t get a bid or did they leave him hanging and he never got one? Those mean two very different things. As a pledge I remember someone eating with my PC that actually got cut the first time. Most of us hadn’t known at the time so it was totally fine. Since they are pledges they aren’t told things like that for the most part on who got cut and what not. Freshman are also usually always down to meet new people. So I say go for it especially if his friends invite him. Even if it doesn’t help him get in he can make some new friends. One misconception is that people don’t hang out with guys in other houses. But actually I have a lot of good friends in houses outside of mine. In the end we are all normal people at the same school. It’d be a shame if I limited my friend group to just my house.
He got invited back to a thing on a Thursday night. On Friday he did not get a text to come back to the Finalist Dinner. The last cut and BIDS came after the finalist dinner on Saturday. So- I guess he wasn’t even a Finalist- which is probably not a good thing 
There were three cuts and he only made the first one. He just never heard back from them. …?
@IAMaconcerned I’m sorry to hear. It could’ve been he slipped through the cracks or it just wasn’t perceived to be a good fit after that event. If what you said is true about his personality being on the shyer end in situations like that then maybe he will do better next round where he knows some of the actives (if his friends cross) and is familiar with the process. Otherwise it maybe wise to try another house. If it’s a large Greek system then I’m sure there’s another house similar to this one he can join.
Parent of a fraternity member who did not get bid first time, but then got multiple offers the next time. When my kid reflects on his process, he says his biggest mistake the first time was to focus exclusively on a single house that was one of the top houses on campus and which probably wasn’t the best cultural fit for him (they were known to be a lot of Varsity athletes in a sport he did not play). He had focused on the reputation of the house, which he perceived made it desirable for him, rather than on getting to know guys at a bunch of houses and finding a good fit for him.
The second time around, he participated in events at a bunch of houses and got two offers he was most interested in-- another top house and a rising, but not quite top tier house. He felt that the guys at the “rising” house were more his kind of people, even though their social reputation was not as dominant, and went with them. Loved his greek life experience (even though it was completely alien to us), and it was positive for him. When he talked about prospective guys coming in after him, a low gpa could be a negative which would make them think twice about the risk in taking on a guy while a high gpa guy was a plus, but not enough to make them take someone they didn’t otherwise want.
As others above suggested, I think the biggest take away is to broaden his vision and to continue to get to know guys at lots of houses.
I think we can all agree that greek life has its pros and cons and many people have strong opinions on the subject. Valid, as it has attracted controversy in the media. The whole tiers thing does matter to a point but in the end once you’re in a house you don’t really care as you’ll have a great time either way. Its those that have a chip on their shoulder that will constantly remind others they are in a top house. However the OP @IAMaconcerned 's son is someone who is set on joining Greek life and the OP posted seeking advice on how to navigate the process so her son can have a successful rush. The OP’s son can have a very fun college experience not being in greek life as many of you have pointed out but I think we should focus on the original topic of offering advice on how to be better prepared for the next rush since the OP’s son wants to join one. Just my 2 cents. @IAMaconcerned , feel free to keep reaching out as myself and others would be glad to offer advice on this and continually answer your questions.