No idea.

Parents Forum
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<p>You have gotten a lot of good advice from this thread. I will add a few more points. I would call your mom and tell her that you feel that your conversations have been shortchanged because she calls at times when you don’t have enough time to talk. Tell her you are going to put some time on your calendar at say 5:00 or whatever time works for both of you where you can sit down and enjoy a cup of coffee and have a nice conversation about your day. Then when you call focus on her for just that 15 minutes. Tell her about your day - sharing on a need to know basis - and ask her about her day and what is happening. Then at the end of the call, set the time for the next day. If she calls you during the day just text back - cant talk now - we will talk at 5:00. </p>

<p>Having a set time to talk will give her something to look forward to during the day.<br>
And if you really focus on giving her the attention she is seeking she may not feel the need to call so much.</p>

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<p>*You have gotten a lot of good advice from this thread. I will add a few more points. I would call your mom and tell her that you feel that your conversations have been shortchanged because she calls at times when you don’t have enough time to talk. Tell her you are going to put some time on your calendar at say 5:00 or whatever time works for both of you where you can sit down and enjoy a cup of coffee and have a nice conversation about your day. Then when you call focus on her for just that 15 minutes. Tell her about your day - sharing on a need to know basis - and ask her about her day and what is happening. Then at the end of the call, set the time for the next day. If she calls you during the day just text back - cant talk now - we will talk at 5:00. *</p>

<p>I think having a set time is fine, but I wouldn’t set it for 5pm unless I had a class or some other firm committment happening around 5:30 so that I could cleanly get off the phone. If the mom knows that the student has no firm commitments after 5pm other than homework, she might not respect the idea of a limited time phone call. </p>

<p>I agree with the earlier poster who said that the student doesn’t have to listen to all the mom’s voice mails. Voice mails from a mom like this are probably full of lectures and diatribes. Delete is your friend.</p>

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<p>Thank you all again so much for your responses. I really appreciate it. I had another long day doing some stuff at school so I just now finally got the time to sit down and read this thread again. My dad is coming to visit me tomorrow and says he wants to have an “adult-adult” conversation with me… I guess I have to have some points to discuss with him. You’ve all told me multiple ways to give them the message, hopefully it works. </p>

<p>@apprenticeprof: I never considered that, but I am sure she is not because if she was my father would’ve told me and my siblings about it a long time ago to try and justify her occasional behavior. I have also considered seeing someone for this, but I really wouldn’t know what to say. She usually only gets uptight when I don’t answer her all day as opposed to just rejecting a few calls, sorry I didn’t make that clear. I know she’s not elderly, but she has told me on more than one occasion that her blood pressure can go high when she’s stressed, and I wouldn’t want that.</p>

<p>@mom2collegekids: I agree with you. I think that’s what I’m going to have to do, gradually cut the cord. As far as “rules”, it is just as when I was home; being at my apartment before midnight, don’t ignore her calls/texts for any reason whatsoever (the only exception is when I’m driving, but when she expects me to answer if I’m at a red light/pull over, and always tell her everything I do. I have that same concern; she has threatened me a few times with that. I really feel that is just over the top; she knows how much these few years mean to me and her being in excessive constant contact with me will not make these years enjoyable like they should be. I let her know that I’m studying a lot, so I do give her the impression that I’m living a boring life; as whenever I’m in my apartment when she calls I just say in a “dead” tone “I’m at my apartment”.</p>

<p>@ProudMom: Thank you. I do think that that is probably why this is happening as well. I guess I have to “toughen up” overall… and be more firm/assertive. It seems that I’m too nice… I’ve always had this problem. :/</p>

<p>@naviance: Thank you. I think I’m going to call her in the mornings as well. That’s better than calling at night when I may not not even be at my apartment to begin with. </p>

<p>@lullabies: Yeah… my mom is still doing that. But thanks for your input, it seems that the general consensus is to ignore my phone more, despite the way my mom may feel about it. It’s already the second year and I think it should be better at this point than what it was the first year. I guess I’m going to try to have another conversation with them.</p>

<p>@higgins: Yeah, I remember when I was home my sister would only text her, she would almost never pick up her phone. She got angry, saying that she wanted to “hear her voice”, and was tired of texts. </p>

<p>@acollegestudent: I agree. Thanks for your input. I am probably going to have another conversation and discuss all this very soon in great detail. </p>

<p>@intparent: Thanks for your advice. I really appreciate it. You have great points and I think I am going to take yours (along with pretty much everyone else’s) advice in this thread and hopefully things will get better. </p>

<p>@younghoss: But of course. As I said I always try my best in school; they know this. They know that I am an excellent student because I would always show them my report card and my grades when they ask without hesitation because I had noting to hide. I’d like to think I have a good balance between my school life and social life here.</p>

<p>@Hunt: I think that may be what ends up happening. I really want them to get the message, but if they never fully accept it then there’s really nothing else I can do. I’m unhappy living this way so I need to step up already…</p>

<p>@TempeMom: I think that’s what I’m going to do from now on. Starting tomorrow even. I’m going to be the one to initiate the call only in the morning and say I’m going to be busy for the rest of the day. Hopefully the calls decrease in frequency from multiple times a day to once a day, and maybe even less than that. And I’m going to discuss all this with my dad, who is coming to visit me tomorrow. I really hope he is more understanding. And you are right, my mom has said that on multiple occasions when I ignored her (albeit accidentally) that she “was ready to take off”. </p>

<p>@Wellspring: Thank you for your input. I appreciate it. With you being a parent, I can see what the correct course of action should be.</p>

<p>@qialah: Yes, to a certain extent. They are a bit more extreme with me though. For instance, my siblings can come home at more or less any time (as long as they are constantly “checking in”) but I cannot, whether I’m at home or not.</p>

<p>@Oldmom: I know. I usually don’t anyway, so that’s not really an issue. But thanks for your input. :]</p>

<p>@momtotwins: Thank you for your input. I think I’m going to stick to the mornings; I know she just wants to know that I’m alive. Whatever I do throughout the day shouldn’t really matter to her all that much anymore since I’m away, so long as I’m alive to call her the next morning. Again, that’s not a problem for me since I don’t do anything “naughty” anyway, so I don’t see why she wouldn’t be okay with this.</p>

<p>Again, I just wanted to thank all of you again for your responses. I did read every single one and to prove that I did indeed do that I have been replying to each and every one that posted; in case no one has noticed, haha. I really feel that I can sort out my feelings and expectations a bit better now and hopefully I’ll know exactly what to say to my father tomorrow when he arrives for that adult-adult conversation.</p>

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<p>I don’t know what the “adult talk” will be with you Dad, and I’m not asking; that’s your biz.
But here’s a hint from an adult: Be prepared. Think ahead what the topic(s) might be. Think ahead what he might say/ask, and have something intelligent to respond. Don’t have him ask something, and you just respond- dunno. That would not give him a good impression. The smarter, clearer, and better prepared you can be are all good things. Think. Anticipate. Be prepared. And impress!</p>

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<p>younghoss has a good point.</p>

<p>It’s your father who has asked for this conversation. He’s the one who’s going to set the agenda. You will probably need to deal with his concerns, whatever they may be, before bringing up your own. In fact, if your father’s concerns are complicated ones, you might not have the chance to raise your own issues in this conversation. You might need to schedule a second talk.</p>

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<p>Your kids could be my kids…that one shuts me up every time :)</p>

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<p>Sometimes, this means, “Yikes, I had totally forgotten about that!”</p>

<p>So although your kid has successfully stopped further discussion on the topic, your initial mention of it may have served a purpose.</p>

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<p>*My dad is coming to visit me tomorrow and says he wants to have an “adult-adult” conversation with me… I guess I have to have some points to discuss with him. You’ve all told me multiple ways to give them the message, hopefully it works. *</p>

<p>This sort of concerns me. Is the dad coming as some kind of messenger from the mom, laying down more rules (or insisting on the existing ones)?</p>

<p>The student needs to “feel the dad out” right away. </p>

<p>If it’s obvious that the dad is just the mom’s mouthpiece, then I think the student needs to give him the same message: “I’m very busy with school, studying and homework take a lot of time. I don’t have time for socializing, and I’m keeping my nose clean and getting good grades.”</p>

<p>If the dad is just the mom’s mouthpiece, and the student tries to sway the dad, then not only will that not likely work, but the dad will go home, relay the message to mom, and then the mom will not accept the “I’m busy” excuse. She’ll know he’s avoiding her.</p>

<p>Student, your dad may not know if your mom is mentally ill. Seriously. He may just think that she’s a loving/protective mom.</p>

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<p>Dad may be there for something totally unrelated to these phone calls. If he brings up something that is uncomfortable and you aren’t sure how to answer - maybe catches you off guard - repeat the question to him and say "that is a great question - Let me sleep on that and let’s talk again tomorrow. That will give you a chance to not give a “knee jerk” reaction.</p>

<p>Yes, we did notice you are replying to each post! Hope the ideas help.</p>

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<p>How did it go?</p>

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<p>You give them all the details of everything?</p>

<p>Of course they are going to ask. And I may be the odd parent out, but…I think you should go easy on them. As in, you do not need to give them every details. You are making them worry. Heck, I am in my 40’s and when my grandma calls and just says hi, and then asks what I am up to, I fill in the blanks (not blank to me) with what will make her happy. Yes, we did go to church today, (yeah, right) and of course we had a great nutritious dinner (grabbed pizza or whatever) and you get the idea. Yeah, I am honest somewhat. But getting older, and more mature, means your life is no longer an open book. My grandma is just making conversation. And if I told her the truth (kids drank coke and pizza for breakfast, which did not happen until noon because we all slept in and skipped church)…you get the idea. Ok…no, we are not THAT bad. But, we do clean our house a lot more when she visits. We are grown ups and do not need to air our everything negative to everyone. My grandma won’t let us visit in the winter because she is scared to have us on the roads in that weather! I know she loves us. So it is fine. And I do what I need to make her not worry.</p>

<p>If they ask you what you are doing next time, tell them you are hanging out with friends in a friend’s dorm room or something. I am not saying lie every time. But I could not imagine just telling all to my parents or grandparents once I was an adult. Stories like “I went to a drinking party and drove home at 3am” is a very good way to upset any parent!</p>

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<p>Okay, that last example would scare any parent out here, and hopefully the OP, too. Fortunately I am guessing the OP does not have a car, and wouldn’t do that anyway.</p>

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<p>Someone once told me a long time ago that just because someone asks a question, it doesn’t mean that they have the right to the answer. ( Of course, minor children and spouses would be a different story.) </p>

<p>But when you think of all the nosy questions that adults ask adults, no adult should feel that they’re under any obligation to disclose personal info to another adult who really has no need for that info. A parent doesn’t have the “need to know” every detail of an 18 year old’s life.</p>

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<p>Do you think he has been kidnapped?</p>

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<p>Maybe his mom came up to the school, saw his phone and his posts, freaked out and destroyed it?</p>

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<p>^^^</p>

<p>I sent him an email asking him if he could return to his thread and give an update. We’re all hoping for a positive outcome.</p>

<p>(fingers crossed)</p>

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<p>Simba1994 -</p>

<p>One key to your mom’s craziness is the Latin mom business. When you do go speak with a counselor about this some day, try to find someone who understands that particular brand of craziness. It can be very challenging for the child. I’ve seen plenty of this in my husband’s extended family. You will not be able to change your mom, but you may be able to learn to ignore the “heart in my hand” nonsense enough of the time so that you can get on with your life.</p>

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<p><em>Bump</em> </p>

<p>Hi everyone. Sorry that I haven’t been to this thread in quite a while. I went home this weekend for my sister’s birthday and so we ended up waiting till Monday (just now we finished) to have an adult talk between me and my mother and father. I think we have a pretty good understanding of each other now. As expected my mother did get emotional towards the end, and I felt a little bad, but I assured her that I did not mean to hurt her feelings, but that I just wanted to be 100% honest. The gist of it was (from her side) was that she explained that she can not go to sleep at night knowing that I’m not at my apartment yet, and that this was all new to her (as I was the only one to leave home for college) and that it’s not easy for her to accept these things that I want to do, but at least she knows now that she’s going to have to. My father was a bit more understanding and easy going but he explained that he wants me to be responsible in the sense of knowing my limits; if I know that I’ve been out already too many days in a row then the next time everyone’s having a get together I would just say no I can’t go. I guess both of them are going to have more confidence in the way they raised me now, as I already explained to them that I know everything they taught me (knowing how to escape situations/people I feel uncomfortable around, taking care of myself and my car, choose my friends, studying hard, etc.)
They basically explained that the number 1 thing they want from me is honesty (so, still wanting to know the 5 W’s, which is what I’ve been doing all along). I then told them straight out that that’s not a problem, but ONLY if they don’t have a problem with me doing whatever it is I’m doing (IE calling me in the middle of the event demanding I go back to my apartment) I explained to them that the latest I’d probably be out was 1:30am, and that it wouldn’t be all the time either (which it wouldn’t since my schoolwork has priority), and it seems that they were okay with it. </p>

<p>So, all in all, it seems that I’m still going to have relatively constant communication with them, but I suppose that it’s a small price to pay for a bit more breathing room.</p>

<p>Once again, to everyone, thank you all so much for helping me out. I can not thank you enough. Seriously. :)</p>

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<p>You sound like a kind and respectful young person. Be kind to your parents and just let it play out. It’s hard for them because you are the last. They just want to feel like they are still a relevant part of your life. You don’t have to tell them everything; but do keep telling them some things so they feel they are still in your life. </p>

<p>Before you know it, you are middle-aged, and they are elderly, if you are lucky enough to still have them. They know they are letting you go. Just keep holding your ground and being polite and respectful, and just say what you want. They know you are an adult. Thank them for some of the things they did right. It makes their day!</p>

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<p>I still think that your parents are expecting too much info and that you need share as little as possible. They need to be weaned. You can’t go four years of giving blow by blow descriptions of your day. That isn’t healthy. </p>

<p>As long as you’re behaving, and you’re getting the grades, you should not be telling your parents that much.</p>

<p>You’re setting yourself up for a lot of criticism if you give them too much info. For instance, if you tell them that you’ve been going out 2-3 times a week with friends, they may not complain…yet. But, if you don’t get an A on a test (or class), then you’re likely going to have to listen to a lecture about how your social life caused that…and then they’ll clamp down and reduce the number of times you can go out (or reduce your curfew). </p>

<p>Wean them.</p>