No idea.

Parents Forum
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<p>This is only going to get fixed if you grow a backbone and (politely) tell them you can’t take calls all day because you are busy with class, study groups, work, whatever. Tell your mom you are happy to touch base once a day. And then just be super vague about your evening plans, and DO NOT ANSWER YOUR PHONE AT NIGHT. You are going to have to cut the cord sometime. And this is from a parent whose oldest kid called me every day from college. But your mom is stifling your life right now and causing you problems. Until you set some boundaries and stick to them, this will continue. </p>

<p>Regarding if she yells at you for it, you need to stay calm and say something like, “Mom, I don’t appreciate being yelled at. I told you when I am available to talk, and don’t expect to be scolded for not answering at other times. If you continue to be abusive, I will need to hang up for now.”. And then do it if she doesn’t allow you to change the subject. You are only as much of a doormat as you allow yourself to be…</p>

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<p>@MommaJ: Thank you for your understanding. In all honesty my sister has tried to date before, but my mom ended up scaring all the boys away. Same with some of her friends. I fear that she may end up scaring not just any potential girls of mine away as well, but my own friends too. I wouldn’t want anyone (especially a future GF!) I introduce to my mom think that I’m still a child when I’m not. I know that’s a certain turn-off. But I wholeheartedly agree with you. I have tried to have serious conversations like this before, but they never really got the message. To be honest I would love to send an email like that to them but I don’t know how she will take that. </p>

<p>@thumper1: Thank you for your input. I see that quite a few people do agree with not answering my phone. I know my mom loves hearing from me, that’s half of the reason I respond to her, the other half of the reason is because I know if I don’t, I get screamed at. But I shouldn’t have to take that just because I’m too busy/really don’t feel like answering the phone. I can’t understand that at all. I understand if I NEVER got in touch with her, but I’m in communication with her far more than necessary, in my personal opinion. </p>

<p>@grabble: Thank you for your sympathy. It is much appreciated. As I said before I really don’t mind her texting and calling me, but not so many times a day. That’s part of the reason I sound so (according to her) “dead” when I talk to her, she calls way too much that the calls don’t feel so special anymore. Again, I could never tell her this, because with her being in her mid 50’s, I don’t want to risk damaging her health (whenever she says that “heart in her hand” phrase and has a crackling voice, I feel like I’m doing just that). </p>

<p>EDIT:
@intparent: Thanks again for your input. Once again, I agree with you 100%. I really want to tell them that, but like I said to grabble, I don’t want to risk hurting any trust or their heart/feelings, because I would never be able to live with myself. One time when I didn’t answer my mom’s calls the entire day (due to me being asleep from pulling an allnighter the day before that I didn’t tell her about), I can hear her voice screaming and I can sense some crying as well. There have been times when she couldn’t control her feelings and hung up on me. It’s times like this where I can usually sense her crying even though she’s screaming at me. That just makes me feel horrible, even as a 19 year old male. She makes me seem like I don’t care about her when I really do. I know that without her I would’ve never made it this far in life. But I do agree with you. Answering the phone at night seems to be a big no no now. If I’m being a doormat, then I guess I have to stop all of this. Perhaps I am letting my feelings get in the way of my happiness…?</p>

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<p>Simba, have you considered that your mother may be mentally ill? Because what you are talking about here sounds like either mental illness or emotional manipulation of the worst kind Normal parents, even overprotective parents, do not weep or scream at their college-age child because he didn’t answer one of their four calls a day, or if he tells them that he doesn’t have time to talk as often as he’s been doing. </p>

<p>I also think that YOU may need to see a psychologist to work through these issues. It just isn’t healthy to be haunted by visions of your mother (who is, by the way, not elderly) having a heart attack because you didn’t pick up the phone.Everyone here is giving you good advice, but from what you’ve written, it doesn’t sound like you are in a place emotionally where you are likely to be able to implement it. If you try to have a mature conversation with your mother about the need for her not to call as often, she’s probably going to start crying and hang up. If you stop answering her calls more frequently, you’ll have the same problem the next time you talk to her. And from your attitude, I suspect that will be enough to get you to back down. </p>

<p>You cannot let your mother’s sickness damage your life to this extent. If your mother were a paranoid schizophrenic who went into hysterics when you refused to do something dangerous a voice in her head was telling her you should do, you presumably wouldn’t do it. While your mother’s condition may not be that severe, the principle is the same. This is a woman who, as you yourself anticipate, may prevent you from living a normal life in a variety of ways. Is this going to stop when you leave college? When you have a job? A family of your own?</p>

<p>In the short term, if you decide to talk to anyone about the need for these incessant calls to stop, it should be your dad, and you should tell him that HE needs to bring it up with your mother. But the larger issue remains, and I think you’re probably going to get some counseling yourself before you can really resolve both the situation and your own feelings of guilt and fear over any step you take in doing so. </p>

<p>I’m speaking, by the way, as someone who still calls her rather overprotective parents daily.</p>

24

<p>*My mom calls me at least 4 times a day and texts me more. My dad not so much, but when he does he behaves similarly to my mom, expecting me to follow his and my mom’s rules even when I’m not under their roof. *</p>

<p>I don’t think you can cut your parents off cold turkey at this point since you’ve already have shown them that you’re willing to answer the phone and provide detailed info. </p>

<p>Stopping abruptly now would only upset them more…and they may cause trouble. They’ll really think that you’re up to “no good” if you suddenly give them the cold shoulder.</p>

<p>Instead, I think it’s best to slowly wean them off. Don’t answer the phone every time. If they call late, say that you’re studying for an important test, and say that you’ll call another day. When they call too much, answer the phone with a nice but hurried voice to suggest that you’re not “blowing them off,” but that you’re really busy. </p>

<p>Slowly, over a period of time, wean them from 2-3 calls a day down to 1 call a day, and then down to 2-3 calls per week, and then down to even less. </p>

<p>You can use emails or similar to provide quick messages like, “really busy, studying for X test. Just letting you know that I’m fine. Love you!”</p>

<p>There are plenty of believable excuses that you can start giving…at a study group, doing homework, studying for a test, lab work, research work for a prof, office hours with the prof, club meeting, etc. </p>

<p>Do not provide details about your social life…dates, girls, etc. These are over-reacting parents. As long as you know that you’re behaving well, there’s really little-to-nothing to report anyway. </p>

<p>This has to be handled carefully, otherwise the parents could pull the plug on his college. They could prevent him from taking out loans by not filling out FAFSA, etc. </p>

<p>BTW…when you do talk to your mom, use Support, Empathy, Truth language. “I understand that you worry about me. It can be upsetting when you can’t get ahold of me. When I’m studying for a test, I can’t be distracted otherwise I won’t do well.”</p>

<p>What “rules” are they expecting you to follow while you’re away at school?</p>

25

<p>Everything has pretty much been addressed here but I would just like to add that you sound like a great son! I guess in a way that is why you are in this situation to begin with. Most kids gradually rebel and pull away starting at a much younger age and the transition to adulthood does not happen so abruptly. I think that “ripping off the bandage” so to speak is simply too drastic for you and I think you need to pull away gradually as I can tell you won’t be able to tolerate any true conflict with your parents. Start by holding back on the information that you provide, not by lying, but just become less forthcoming and detail oriented in your conversations…then work on cutting back on the conversations.</p>

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<p>This is what I do to prevent my mother from calling me many times a day (and I’m almost 50!)- I call her when it is convenient for me (usually the morning). I’m pleasant and ask her about her plans for the day etc. She is so happy that I called her she forgets to annoy me. Sometimes, I catch her at an inconvenient time for her and we can’t talk so the whole thing is over quickly! Mostly she just wants to feel like I’m not avoiding her calls!</p>

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<p>Haven’t read any other responses but I’ll chime in:</p>

<p>(not a parent, but I am a 20-something-year-old student)</p>

<p>My mom did the exact same thing when I first went off. She even called me during class… oh my goodness. Three years down the road, I transferred back home, and I still get texts when I’m at school asking when I will be home. When I am home and she goes to work (graveyard shift), she calls me on her breaks at like 10-11pm at night to check up on me. At home.</p>

<p>So there’s the difference. My mom began calling me 3-4 times a day to texting me. It’s because I stopped answering her calls and literally put my phone to silent. It was getting annoying and honestly, anyone who calls me 3-4 times a day is going to hear me hit the ignore button. I ignore her texts too (honestly just because I’m a bad texter) and I think my mom has gotten the hint. </p>

<p>She asked me why I don’t respond to her and I told her that I believe she shouldn’t be checking up on me so frequently. I told her that I’m in my 20’s and I’m still being babysat. I made it clear that I love and understand why my mom is doing what she does, but reassured her that she needs to let me breathe. If your parents are the least bit understanding, having a calm discussion with them should really help. No raising voices. No attacking the other person. Just calm statements, and reassure them that you understand and love them and that you’re a good person. I told my mom that she raised me to be a great person and to respect people and myself. If she needs to call me 3-4 times a day, it means she doesn’t trust the job that she’s done. That got her to be quiet and think.</p>

<p>I mean, my mom still calls/texts sometimes (still annoying), but when I ignore one call or one text, she doesn’t blast my phone like she used to. LOL.</p>

<p>Just give it some time, a little love, and your parents a little reassurance/love. Letting go for the first year is extremely difficult but I think it will get better for both you and your parents soon enough.</p>

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<p>The degree of parental monitoring of your time/activities is not normal, as others have flagged. I’d suggest you make an appointment with a counselor at student services office, if possible, to discuss situation in greater detail and strategize a plan - I’m sure the counselors have experience with students in similar situations of expresed extreme parental control. I think that you’ll benefit from some legitimate 3rd-party validation that you need more relative freedom from your parents’ monitoring efforts.</p>

<p>It may be cultural regarding “parental control” expectations, and/or in could involve underlying (and perhaps undiscussed/unrealized) emotional problems. “Scaring off boys”, “demanding multiple calls”, and “needing to hear your voice” (etc) can also be symptoms of borderline personality disorder.</p>

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<p>I think at some point you have to be very clear that you are not OK with this any more. For me, the simplest way to do that without lying (and I think it’s good that you don’t lie) is to just say “I don’t want to discuss this” when they ask you the when/where/who (you can phrase it whatever way your parents would respond too better, but that should be the idea, and then don’t budge. There will be a rough period of adjustment, but after a while they WILL get used to them.</p>

<p>Also, if they don’t approve, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do the activity. Tell them that you understand where they were coming from, but you had a different opinion, so you decided to do it anyway.</p>

30

<p>To me it sounds like you have not made your expectations clear, and you need to do that. It isn’t fair to just “cold turkey” stop answering WITHOUT explaining that you are going to try to chat with them once a day, but really can’t keep interrupting your classes/study groups/work/quiet study/meals/movies/etc to answer their calls and texts. So tell them to please not be worried or offended if you don’t respond. THEN follow through. Your mom can’t really keep having hysterics and acting like she thinks you have been mugged or something if you have explained your boundaries ahead of time, then stick to them. If you feel like you can’t get through a phone conversation explaining this, then compose an email and send it. Then ask if they read it. Then follow through.</p>

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<p>As I said before, and intparent has repeated, “really can’t keep interrupting your classes/study groups/work/quiet study/meals/movies/etc to answer their calls and texts.”(post 30) this is an excellent reason to use.
This is not only a true statement, but it should also appeal to the nature of a parent that wants their child to do well in school. When a parent hears that reason, what are they going to do- argue that the child should study less so they can chat with parents more?</p>

<p>Of course, if you use that as your reason, get good grades and keep out of trouble!</p>

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<p>I like the suggestion above to call mom first…maybe a few minutes before class starts. Quickly say “hi,” mention the good grade you got after studying for X test, and then mention how busy the rest of your day will be. Then say, “gotta go, class starts in 2 minutes, I’ll call in a day or two.”</p>

<p>I’m guessing that your mom can’t/doesn’t call your dad at work several times per day. Likely because he is busy. The point to eventually make is that you’re also busy.</p>

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<p>

I think this is the best advice. In fact, you may never be able to have an effective conversation in which you explain this to them…instead, you will just have to wean them off from the communication and information. If they confront you about not responding, say you’ll try to do better…but don’t do better. Call when you’re walking across campus, and end the call with, “Oops, gotta go, class is about to start.” If they ask for more specifics about your evening plans, just continue being vague: “Not sure yet.” They may never get the message, but they may adjust their expectations.</p>

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<p>Agree that you initiating a daily call would be great. </p>

<p>Also, can you enlist your dad’s help on this? Surely he is more reasonable/been at the other end of it for a long time. . .</p>

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<p>My kids have been succcessful in redirecting my micromanaging attempts by repeating variations of “Mom,you don’t have to worry about that, I’ve got it under control.”</p>

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<p>*So don’t answer the phone 3 of the 4 times your mom calls you every day.</p>

<p>“Sorry, mom, I was busy with class/in the middle of lunch/in a study group/in a quiet study area/ etc.”. When you talk to her, be vague about your specific plans. </p>

<p>Maybe talk to her when you are walking to class so you have a specific cut off when you get there. </p>

<p>DO NOT share your plans for going out in the evening, or respond if they call or text after what they think your “curfew” should be. If they freak out… then so be it. </p>

<p>Tell them the next day that you were out/busy/forgot your phone/were sleeping/whatever. Eventually my guess is they will get the message…*</p>

<p>I think the common feeling is that the student needs to “wean” the parents off of the constant contact, but also give the impression that the student is living a rather boring life…sleep, eat, class, eat, class, study, eat, homework, sleep. If the student projects that his daily life is boring, but busy and doing well in school, the need for constant contact should slow down. If the mom never went to college or had a less-demanding major, the student can surely create an image where he’s having to devote his waking hours to keeping his head above water. </p>

<p>This reminds me of a former co-worker whose spouse had a personality disorder and needed to constantly know what the co-worker was doing, who he was talking to, eating with, time of arrival, time of departure, etc. The wife drove the dept nuts with her constant phone calls. If he didn’t answer her calls, she’d start calling co-workers or the boss. She imagined that any unaccounted for time was an indication of infidelity (even tho there had been no history of that). Our boss finally told her that she couldn’t keep bothering his employees (including her husband) because they were supposed to be spending their time on work, not in conversations with her. He wasn’t paying for that. lol</p>

<p>This student’s mother is operating under similar irrational fears. My concern is that if the mom becomes further agitated, she’ll withdraw financial support and make him come home.</p>

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<p>If he goes cold turkey, dollars to donuts mom will make the drive up there one day.</p>

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<p>If he goes cold turkey, dollars to donuts mom will make the drive up there one day.</p>

<p>Absolutely. Just like those crazy parents we read about last year who demanded constant info about their college D (she had to keep her computer camera on so that they could see when she came back to her dorm room and so they could watch her sleep). When the parents withdrew financial support as revenge, the school ponied up the money to let her finish college.</p>

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<p>Do your parents treat your older sibs the same way? If not, why not. If so, how are they handling it?</p>

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<p>OP, you know you don’t have to listen to all the voicemails your mom leaves. That’s how I’ve survived to age 65, with a 90-year-old dad!</p>