Hello!!
Recently, I have started to think I don’t want to leave home for college in the fall. The college I’ve decided on is St. Mary’s University in San Antonio, about 3-ish hours away from where I live in Houston. I’ve already put my enrollment deposit down, signed up for orientation, and all that fun stuff. I’m the only one from my class of ~650 students who is going there. Everyone I met during the admitted students weekend made me feel confident that I was making the right choice. I like that because it’s such a small school, undergrads can find research opportunities much easier than at a large school and that they feel like they can turn to their professors and ask for help when they’re struggling because class sizes are so small. I also applied to the University of Houston, but hadn’t planned on attending until recently. I’m not a fan of the large lecture halls, but if I go, I plan on applying to honors after my first semester. To be honest, I don’t want to leave my family when I graduate, especially my mom. She’s been going through a hard time, and I really don’t want to leave her. I feel like I’d be lost without them, and I don’t feel ready to leave AT ALL. I was so excited to go to college at first, but now thinking about it makes me extremely nervous and I feel like I want to start crying. I feel really anxious right now. What should I do?
As a mom, I would never want my child to give up an opportunity because I was having a hard time. I can’t speak to your feelings beyond noting that if you do go to SA, you can still talk to your family every day and, depending on your transportation situation, visit regularly. Best wishes with your decision.
I think it’s natural to feel this way. Moving away from home is a big change. However, it is not something you have to do. Many students stay home and commute to college. It’s just a different experience.
It’s very normal to be nervous and have second thoughts but you stated very, very solid reasons for going to St. Mary’s. 3 hours from home is nothing! Your mom can easily come visit you and vice versa.
From a parent of an only child perspective, I can honestly say that the anticipation was worse than the reality. My D texts daily, we facetime a couple of times/week, etc… We are as close as ever.
My suggestion would be to make plans to have your mom come up for parents’ weekend and set a couple of regular FT “appointments”.
Yes, very normal. Doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice. Regular communication with your family is the key. You can talk or FT every day at the beginning. I text my D every day and we talk twice a week. She’s 2.5 hours from home.
She went to school in late August. We visited her for parents weekend in Oct. We saw her at Thanksgiving in November. She was home winter break in Dec/Jan. She came home for part of Spring Break in early March and again in April near Easter break. She comes home next week after finals. When it’s all said and done, the longest we went between seeing her was the very first stretch between drop off and parents weekend – and that was only 2 months. Mostly we saw her every six weeks, sometimes even less.
You can do this.
How about giving the small school a chance – for a semester or even a year? You can transfer to the University of Houston later if you want to. And there’s a special benefit in this. You say you’re not thrilled with large lectures. Well, the largest of them happen at the beginning of college. Class size shrinks later on. So by the time you transfer (if you decide to do so), you’d have avoided some of the worst of that.
My oldest was worried about me when she went to college. So she touched base every day. Not for long, maybe a 5 minute call while she walked to the library or something. I think you should go to St. Mary’s this fall. Feel free to text or give your mom a quick call every day or two. See if she can come for parents weekend. Maybe plan one weekend st home before Thanksgiving, too. (Don’t go home a lot, it is a lot harder to make friends on campus if you leave a lot of weekends).
Another thought if it’s affordable. Maybe your mom can visit a time other than parents weekend as well. Pick a time when you can really show her your new college town.
Keep the college plans. Do NOT change them despite what some posters may suggest. You will go through many different emotions in upcoming months. Remember there is a reason we all grow up and leave the nest, regardless of our situation.
I am reminded of my son’s first day of kindergarten. Dropping him off at the entrance for those kids I noticed some were crying and clinging to their moms until they went in. I asked his teacher about this at the end of the school year and she did not remember who did/did not cry. All of those little kids made the adjustment to leaving mom and home.
You will also make the adjustment to college life. And you will be glad you decided to keep the school you went through so much to decide on. It will work out. Your mother will adjust to the change as well.
For now do not think about college at all. Enjoy the last days of your senior year of HS.
This summer you and your mom can have fun buying dorm supplies et al. I noticed when I did the college shopping there were plenty of mothers and daughters- very rarely any sons. You are expanding her world as well as yours. She gets to learn about an entirely different place through your eyes. You can communicate as often as you like. Gradually you both will mature into your adult role in the mother-daughter dynamic.
Our kid is in grad school now. She calls me almost every day while she’s walking to campus and I’m trapped in traffic on the way to work. On weekends, she often will facetime with her dad. So yes, it is easy to stay in touch if you want to.
If there are no issues about affordability, try the out-of-town place for a year. See how things go.
Hugs to you. The big changes coming ahead must feel challenging and scary. I can tell you (from a mom’s perspective) that it can be hard at first. My oldests were twins so half of my children went away at the same time. It was hard to manage my emotions and fears. However, they’re seniors now and I also have a finishing freshman as well. The world is a much smaller place these days. I hear from two of them daily and the third weekly (sometimes more.) I couldn’t believe how often I saw them that first year and every year since. There’s a lot of breaks and we also FT.
I won’t tell you that it won’t be hard and you won’t have more times that you question your decision, but I think you should plan to try St. Mary’s. Go and embrace your school. Get involved, make friends, learn new things and have fun. If, after a year, you decide you’d rather be closer to home, then transfer. However, if you pull the plug now you’ll always have the “What if” question.
Finally, I would be mortified if my kids made decisions about their futures based on me and my wants/needs.
Anticipatory anxiety is the worst. I get it about flying! Try to put the transition our of your mind while you finish high school. During the summer, it helped one of mine to visit a couple of times, see the dorm and dining hall, walk around town etc. Maybe that would help you.
I think you should probably go to whichever school you would choose if they were both, say one hour apart. Take distance out of the equation to decide. Your post makes it sound like St.Mary’s is a better fit. Is that right?
Then put distance back into your decision-making. I have read that at least 1/3 of young people aren’t ready to go away. There is no reason why you have to jump off a cliff at age 18. If being close to home is the number one priority, that is valid. Your leavetaking can be gentler.
That said, I am close to one of mine who is 3,000 miles away. We talk a lot, every day, and Face time too. I go out once a year but she spends quite a bit of time back East with various breaks. I thought she would be gone forever (there is a parental side to this, as you have figured out) but honestly we may even be closer.
I hope you can try to go away. Please, please realize these emotions are normal and natural. In fact, the first months of college can involve homesickness for many. Usually by January things are settled and better.
Good luck! And don’t be afraid to talk to a counselor if you want to.
Three hours is NOT far. Easy for parents to move a student in and return home or to transport them for vacations (been there, done that many times with son and local HS friends at the same U).
An added point. This is only May. So much changes in 3 months. It will be good for both you and your mom to let you spread your wings.
Most kids don’t feel ready to leave home. Your feelings area completely normal and natural. There is a saying about Mama birds kicking baby birds off the nest so they learn to fly. I can’t remember exactly how it goes but it’s true. There are some kids who take off and want to venture our but IMHO, most of us need a push. It’s warm and comfortable in that nest. Who would want to leave? But it’s vital for growth and development to go!
You will be ok and I believe your mom wants you to go, experience and learn too. The world is so small today with FaceTime, texting, snapchat etc. You will be able to be in close contact.
You can do it!
Your mom may be going through a tough time…but are you the only one she can rely on? I honestly hope not.
It is too much to put the burden on you. There should be others that can help: Doctors, visiting nurses, therapists, friends, other family, house of worship, social workers, etc.
You need to set yourself up for your future. You can call/facetime her…but you need to start your future as well.
Back in 1980, I didn’t know anybody going to my college. Luckily I had an opportunity to write letters with my roommate. We lived close enough to meet during the summer - that helped a lot. Once we got to campus, it was really easy to meet lots of other students. EVERYBODY is new on campus, so that can make it easy to make new friends.
Back then, communicating with home was harder (and pricey for long distance phone calls!) . These days there are so many easy / free options to keep in touch with your family. Your mom may find your newly found independence to be uplifting.