On the Right Track: how's the essay so far?

Applying to College
1

<p>I was hoping to get some feedback on the intro/first paragraph of one of my admissions essays, and I thought that rather than make this a thread solely for my own sake, that this could become a thread where you can post a part of your essay when you're still in the early stages, and get feedback about how you're doing (i.e. are you on the right track?). I'll post mine to get started.</p>

<p>Describe one of your passions, and explain how it contributed to your personal growth.</p>

<p>“Name Removed? They’ll see you in ten.”</p>

<pre><code> I glanced across the crowded lunchroom, and was immediately overwhelmed by the sea of unfamiliar faces, all huddled together over their respective monologues—each of them driven by the very same desire as I: to land a starring role in the unquestionably prestigious One Act Play Festival.

I was, of course, at a severe disadvantage having just enrolled at Bob Everyschool Secondary one month prior, leaving me completely bereft of the knowledge I thought necessary to succeed; for instance, what were those directors—those effusively charismatic, immensely powerful, unspeakably wise high school seniors looking for? Me? Certainly not! To risk their inevitable curtain raiser of a hit on a (decidedly) ambitious, but completely unproven young newcomer, barely a quarter of the way through the miming portion of Drama 9? Doubtful. Yet I still felt this compulsion to try… whether the cause of such feelings was the fact that I was now less than ten minutes away from their judgment, and without any obvious route for escape, or if it was the slightly unnerving realization that the room was now awash in a harsh whisper in which the estimation of my chances for success was surely the topic of discussion (though, in retrospect I concede that the whispers I heard may have been the practicing of their audition monologues), I did not know. Whatever the reason, I knew in that moment that I had to audition at all costs. Unfortunately, there was one small, barely significant problem… I was now in the eight minute, thirty second range of my countdown to judgment, and I still did not have a monologue!
</code></pre>

<p>Thanks for your help, I hope I can do the same!</p>

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<p>From what I see here you are a very talented writer. You have a remarkable sense of flow, tempo, and punctuation (not the grammatical punctuation) of ideas through the paragraph. You are using some very eloquent words nicely in context, and I ascertained a very good sense of your personality and your character. </p>

<p>Just as a style note, I would use a little less exclamation points and parentheses. You may want to check your commas again to make sure you don't have any run-ons by mistake. Again your descriptive writing is quite accomplished. 10/10</p>

<p>If you would like you can PM me, and I will give you my college e-mail (I don't want to post it on the forum). </p>

<p>A pleasure,</p>

<p>JW</p>

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<p>It definitely looks good, but I would refrain from using ellipses (...)</p>