Thank you everyone for your helpful advice! The reason we put the weeknight curfew at 11:30 is because we want to help her get her sleep schedule on track. At the end of school, her sleep cycles were reversed- she said she was staying up until 4 or 5 in the am and sleeping during the day.
As for her classes, she had a reduced schedule approved by the office of disabilities at her school so she was taking three classes instead of four. I know that she took an incomplete in one of the classes and is supposed to take the final when she returns in August. I’m not sure about the other classes, although she said she passed them (with what grades I don’t know).
She does not drive but takes Uber. I have thought about cancelling the account but I would rather that she ride with an Uber driver than a drunk friend.
I knew there would be a “make up” period of her trying out all the things she missed in high school (she didn’t have much of a social life then- mainly friends in her club sport), but I am worried that she is overdoing it. I don’t have a moral issue with pot or drinking but she is underage and not being very smart about it. She told my husband (her dad) she usually has four drinks at a party, sometimes five- which is binge drinking. This worries me as we have addiction issues on both sides of the family.
We are planning to meet with the therapist as a family and hammer out some rules for the summer. The only thing is, if she decides not to abide by them, what can we do? We can withhold funds, but that’s about it. Maybe that will be enough…
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The reason we put the weeknight curfew at 11:30 is because we want to help her get her sleep schedule on track
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While I understand that may be the motivation, it’s not really your job to get her sleep schedule on track. She has to own her situation, and decide how she’ll get the job done.
If she won’t act responsibly, then you have the right to say that you’re not going to pay for next year and that she’ll have to take a leave of absence until she has her life/sleeping under control. As it is, she wouldn’t graduate on time anyway…are you on the hook for extra years?
JMHO but she is showing signs of being on the road of becoming an addict…excessive drinking. Many who suffer from depression or anxiety choose booze to self medicate.
Emmsmom- hugs to you. This sounds very challenging all around.
I think heading off to the therapist is a good idea. But I think none of the behavioral things are going to matter until you resolve the sleep/anxiety spiraling. And taking something for sleep under the supervision of a doctor is surely better than her self-medicating, no? You are worried that sleep medications are addictive- a legitimate worry. But in a family with a history of addiction, her relying on alcohol is probably a faster way to trouble.
I think going forward you guys need to draw a line between the health and safety rules (do not cancel Uber!) and the overall “convenience” rules. I hated the kids coming home late when they were home from college for the summer- because I couldn’t go to sleep until I heard the key in the lock and had to get up to go to work in the morning, but as long as they called by 10 pm or so with their whereabouts and general ETA, I learned to be more chill about “curfews” (which they didn’t have). Going to a late movie didn’t seem to be a “dangerous” activity, and as long as they were generally respectful of everyone else in the house, a few late nights wasn’t the end of the world.
But the “health and safety” stuff was non-negotiable. Nobody drove my car if they’d been drinking. Nobody got behind the wheel with a stupid friend who had been drinking.
Agree that your D needs a job asap- even something volunteering. And I think you are within your bounds to remind her that she needs to be in touch with her professor about the incomplete so that situation doesn’t spiral.
Big hug.
@Emsmom1, I’m sorry about the challenges your daughter and you are dealing with. I think getting back onto a “normal” sleep schedule is very important, as is working out the alcohol and medication issues. Four or five drinks at a party is a lot, and I understand your concern about that. And then there’s the issue of the classes and the dropped sport: whew. Lots to deal with this summer.
the hubby is half right, she is an adult at 18 and cannot be told what to do. You can no longer boss her around. But you and the hubby are also over 18 and she can’t tell you what to do. You no longer have to provide a room, or food, or advice, or to give the gift of funds toward her college. She can’t boss YOU around either, though no youngster sees that- they only see that they are over 18. Would you tolerate this from a co-worker temporarily down on his luck, that was staying with you and living off of you?
Also- if I believed that she had 4 drinks at a party, I would not consider that binge drinking, unless all 4 were in the first hour. If a party lasted 4 hours, that’s only averaging 1 drink an hour!
twoinanddone(post 13) offers a good perspective not often expressed. Part of the reason for a curfew is for the benefit of the other residents in the home, especially if the other residents are paying the bills for the home.
“I’m not sure about the other classes, although she said she passed them (with what grades I don’t know).”
Are you and her husband paying for college? If so, you have every right to know what the grades are. I think given your daughter’s challenges, it is something you need to know as part of the puzzle in getting her help/assistance. My rule with my kids was that they were required to send me, as the bill payer, their grades at the end of every semester. It was a way of holding them accountable for their performance and our investment in them, just as a boss demands performance in exchange for a paycheck. As students, school was their job.
Someone posted back on the first page said weed is not a big deal. Well, I’m not a doctor, but whether pot is legal or not in your state, it’s certainly not good for your health. Setting aside the issue of potential drug addiction, leading to harder drugs, etc., the one thing I’ve always stressed with my D18 that inhaling smoke in your lungs is potentially cancerous and certainly over time may reduce one’s breathing capability lead to issues such as asthma, chronic bronchontis, COPD, etc. I’ve told my daughter that you don’t want to hit your 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, and be one of those older folks in the hospital pushing around you’re own oxygen tank. It’s not about now, it’s about 10-20-30 years from now. At least that’s how I feel.
https://www.thoracic.org/patients/patient-resources/resources/marijuana.pdf
I’d find a different sleep aid for your child.
When my D came home from her first year of college, I tried giving her a midnight curfew, primarily because she has 3 younger brothers. She was also a good kid in HS. We argued about it a bit and I finally relented as long as she called or texted me by midnight to tell me her plans. In her corner, she argued that she had no curfew at college and I should learn to trust her.
I would not permit pot smoking in my house and would consider getting my child a sleep study to make sure nothing is going on if I had a child who felt the need to do something like that.
Honestly, your D sounds in many ways like me. I eat pot cookies to help me sleep and my sleep schedule has ALWAYS reverted back to 4-12 when I don’t have a morning job. I have had several such jobs and classes since high school. These in and of themselves aren’t indicative of anything IMO.
On the other hand, taking incompletes and whatnot probably signals a problem. Why did she take the incomplete? Why hasn’t she done her final?
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Also- if I believed that she had 4 drinks at a party, I would not consider that binge drinking, unless all 4 were in the first hour. If a party lasted 4 hours, that’s only averaging 1 drink an hour!
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I think the frequency can be an issue. If a person drinks 4 drinks at a party, but only does that once or twice a year, then probably no big deal. If this is a weekly or more frequent behavior, then it can be a road to addiction.
@romanigypsyeyes she took an incomplete because one of her friends was in the hospital with an acute situation and my daughter spent the night before the final at the hospital making sure she was ok.
@techmom99 a sleep study is a great idea. Thank you!
@mom2collegekids I think you are correct and it is more than weekly.
@doschicos we are going to ask her to show us her grades but we may wait until we are in the therapist’s office. I think it may be a better environment than asking her to show us when it’s just us and her.
@Emsmom1 ok then I’m not really seeing the life spiraling out of control thing assuming school otherwise is going well.
I’m just saying that this all sounds pretty normal. A lot of my college friends were like that and launched just fine. I was and am like that and doing fine. Those things in and of themselves do not seem particularly alarming.
Though I still think smoking is gross.
Good luck. I hope she’s doing well in classes otherwise.
I have a kid who is five feet tall and weighs I’m not sure what (very petite) and I can assure you that four drinks at a party would indeed be excessive. And I think that parental instincts on what constitutes binging are more likely accurate than the folks who post “four drinks isn’t binging”.
Ems- agree that waiting to bring up the subject of grades is the way to go. You want your D healthy, first and foremost. The rest can wait.
I’m sorry if this sounds extreme but your previous thread gave me some concern. And now seeing this one and learning about the family history of addiction, I think you D might be well served by getting a new psychological evaluation at this time of her life.
There is a chance she might be struggling with more than ADHD and anxiety.
It might very well be a typical adjustment issue (adjusting to college life and adjusting to being home again) but I think it’s worth investigating a little more for the sake of her long term health.
Maybe she should get involved in a sport or exercise program. It will probably help her sleep. Also I recommend a program called Vive which will give her a mentor/coach who she can check in with on a weekly basis and a therapist who will check in with you. Of course there may be no coaches where your daughter goes to college. http://www.vivefamilysupportprogram.com
Similarly she can get a therapist at school and you can talk to someone at home to help you
figure out how to navigate this stuff. I’ve been there and I’m still there. Good luck!!!
Perhaps I should repeat what I said earlier-
that if I believed person was drinking 4 drinks at a party, I’d not consider that binge drinking.
However my instincts are that a person that admits to 4 may have had 8, or maybe it wasn’t really at a party, where I’d assume it went on for hours. There are other factors too that could alter my stated opinion, that is why I put in the caveat that I did.
And this kid is 18, not 21, so even the 4 drinks are over the limit.
I drank a lot in high school and college, so I know kids do. But when I was drinking the age requirement was 18, so I was not far off. I’ve been blessed that the NCAA controls one of my kids (she can’t drink before a game OR practice, and she’s always got a practice, so…) and my other child doesn’t really drink a lot (I’d be surprised if it was 4 drinks a semester, not four in a night).
Yup, there are different rules at college. This girl isn’t at college, she’s home for the summer. The reason she’s sleeping all morning is because she’s up all night. If she gets a job, she’ll have to adjust her sleeping times. And Mom, if you are paying for Uber, you get to control when and how often she can use it. She’s had a week, now going on two, and it’s time for a plan and some limits.
In a state where pot is still illegal, smoking pot in my house would be a non-starter. They could find someplace else to live. A curfew, for someone 18+ and already finished with one year of college, sounds like a relic from the 60s.
I have a feeling we’ll be in a similar situation in a couple of years. D18 is already pretty hardheaded and I imagine it’ll only get worse during that first year of college (she’s a night owl, too). I can see her becoming very defensive if she goofs off and gets bad grades. My strategy is to get her talking as much as possible as opposed to “commanding” her to do something, which she’ll naturally resist.
The pot and alcohol situation is much more difficult, since they’re probably both illegal at her age and location. Of course, I did both at that age (or younger). I guess I’d say something like, “just be smart about it”.