As you can see from the responses, the advice is all over the place. Not every kid comes home from freshman year with a job. She should certainly be looking - even a camp job might still be available. The initial we’re all back from college, let’s hang out and party scene may fade a bit as kids get jobs and need to be home at a reasonable hour, although 11:30 may be a bit early even during the week.
You are on the right track in terms of meeting with the therapist as a family and having her go as an individual. You need to pick your battles to some extent and give a bit since she is an adult. What are your goals? I would guess the primary one is to ensure she is not partying excessively and is ready to be a better student next fall. I would also think doing something this summer (if she can’t find a job, perhaps a class at a local college since she is on a reduced schedule) would be an option, depending on finances. If there are substance abuse issues, that should be the key focus.
@cobrat Just another poster here but I took the neurologist to be using ecstasy as a shock factor on the danger of pot on the developing brain, not saying it was safe or recommending it.
From having taken that HS pharmacology course from the Columbia MD alum teacher and several practicing MD friends who have actually treated too many patients who suffered the ill-effects of MDMA/Ecstacy, if they had to choose between which drug was less dangerous…they’d all choose marijuana by a few miles.
And the HS pharmacology teacher wasn’t exactly approving of marijuana use, either.
There was a terrific doco about ice use in Auz, a couple of the ER docs were waxing lyrical about the old days when the ODs just took heroin and the ER staff didn’t need to constantly fear for their lives. Dr tawk LOL. It is all relative.
Something I haven’t seen mentioned yet is the issue of her gpa re: her scholarships. Is she going to be able to maintain them? Some schools have 3.0 or higher.
If the grades have gone down, lets not focus on that. Lets look at it as a huge sign that there are other issues to be solved and if they’re not solved then the grades won’t matter.
Arguing about whether marijuana is safer than some other drug is a ridiculous argument to have. What’s important is whether smoking pot is harmful and there’s some evidence for that.
“If the grades have gone down, lets not focus on that” - I’d agree… don’t harp on it if the 2 (of 3, since one Incomplete and 1 skipped due to lower workload) grades are passing but not great. But the family and therapist need to know the scoop if she is failing and/or losing a scholarship.
I agree – the only question with regard to grades is whether she’s actually on academic probation for next year. If the school requires a C average in order to continue in good standing, and she has a C average, that’s good enough. The other issues are more pressing.
Yep - C is good enough. And hopefully that’s the case. But when a troubled kid decides a C is acceptable… sometimes D or F happens. Sigh - been that parent. Even that is not the end of the world, but you need to know the scoop.
This is one reason why some favor the idea of having the kids stay at home and commuting into the nearby state or university? I guess hind site is 20/20. Consider what is best for her long term future and any risks that are just not worth it. It is not too late. Get hubby on board and form a united front.
So, my husband and I met with the psychologist who strongly suggested that we not send our daughter back next semester. The term “failure to launch” was used, which I think is a fancy way of saying she’s immature. Anyway, my daughter seems almost ok with taking a semester off (I think she can be talked into it), but my husband wants her to take a year off. The psychologist suggested two (!) years which is overkill to me and would probably result in my daughter not being able to return to the college she worked so hard to attend.
Also, my husband seems convinced that she will have no problem returning after taking a mental health leave, but I’m not sure that’s the case. He is going to talk to the Dean, but I really think we should get any information in writing. Thoughts?
Isn’t it possible to just take it a semester at a time? Do a semester for now, talk about benchmarks to reach and strategies to reach them, reconvene on X appointed date to determine if benchmarks have been reached and she is showing sufficient progress to consider sending her back or postponing for an additional semester. I don’t think anything needs to be set in stone for 1 or 2 years. I agree with you, it seems too long. Otherwise, what’s the incentive for her to tackle the work she needs to undertake? From my understanding, colleges are pretty flexible with this stuff. Just my 2 cents…
Glad she’s got a job and that you are working as a family to find a path through this. Best wishes.
I would not relate returning to school to the school calendar - I would relate it to her functioning and overall outlook toward adaptable change. Has she given up partying? Is she practicing reasonable sleep hygiene (going to bed and getting up at times amenable with college)? Is she successful with her job and getting good reviews? Is she working with a therapist and/or psychiatrist toward tangible goals?
Also, is she driving? People with anxiety who avoid driving never do well. Adolescents who avoid driving are not setting themselves up to leave the nest easily. That is a big red flag, and were it me, I would want her driving as a marker of adaptability and as evidence of energy expended working on the anxiety issues - actions speak louder than words.
If she is able to do those things and sustain them for a reasonable period of time - reasonable to you and her - then that would be a good time to go back. But simply throwing a dart at a calendar and having her do some perfunctory tasks in the meantime with no skin in the game is unlikely to be successful.
Same suggestion as dos- take it one semester at a time. There’s no way of knowing how she’ll be in, say, November so it seems premature to pull her from both.
I had a handful of friends in undergrad who took a semester or a year off to get their mental health under control. Every single one came back and did great and are still doing well now that we’re a few years out of school.
Thanks for your comments. I think we will be able to take one semester at a time (her school is quite accommodating or at least has been this far). She will be going to therapy and we will probably get an ADHD/time management coach. The last thing I want to happen is for her to look at it as an extended summer and have her out late, sleeping late, etc.
When our middle son started extending his “gap year,” we told him he could not live at home unless he paid rent. That did the trick for him! He got a job as a bank teller, which cracked me up since he’s so non-conformist… We will be giving him back his rent money at some point, but he doesn’t know that yet.