<p>teens/young adults crack me up.
They come onto the * adult* side of the website- label threads criticizing parents & stamp their foot when the holes in their logic are exposed.</p>
<p>It would be cute- if it wasn't so predictable.</p>
<p>As a senior about to graduate and move soon on to college, my parents have never really helped me. They never said where they would like me to got college as it is my decision and finacial burden. AlsoI paid for my SATs, i filled out my college apps, work a full time job, completed a senior thesis, had college interviews, etc. Would have they helped probably, but I didn't see the need. We all need to be independent and the sooner the better.</p>
<p>Tennisboy, I'll tell you why I'm involved in my daughter's college decision: Because my own parents weren't involved in mine. </p>
<p>I had no clue what our family could afford, because nobody would talk to me about it. I had no chance to visit colleges because nobody suggested that a visit trip was even a possibility. I got no adult perspective on what was the biggest decision and most expensive of my life up to then. So I chose badly, based on erroneous assumptions about my family being unable to afford the kind of colleges that would challenge and nurture me. There was a whole world of opportunity available to me, had I only known it.</p>
<p>My daughter is not me. I recognize that. But by avoiding my own parents' mistakes, I'm trying to make sure my daughter has a chance to consider ALL the options open to her. Not just the ones that a green 17-year-old with no experience in the wider world could be expected to see. </p>
<p>There's also the small matter that I'll be paying the bills. If you think a parent has no role in a decision that will cost him or her tens of thousands of dollars, you're living in fantasyland. Parents do not exist to just shut up and write blank checks. Not the good ones, anyway.</p>
<p>Yeah, I hover a little. But it's because I care, and because I believe everybody does better with a guide when they're venturing into a strange new land. In sports you have a coach, in school you have teachers, in college you'll have RAs and advisors and deans. Why is a parent's advice such a hindrance to independent living & thinking if those others aren't?</p>
<p>Freshmen year, my daughter consulted me on course selections. This year she informed rather than consulted. She still lets me read most of her applications to various programs before she sends them out. I think over time she will do it more and more on her own. I would expect her to ask for my opinion when she starts to look for her first job, my involvement would be a lot less than the college process. As parents, we let go slowly, just like when kids first started walking - we first hold their hands, then put our arms around them to catch if they should fall, then over time we let go and let them walk and run by themselves. Of course, kids could also learn to walk without any parent's help, but probably with a lot more unnecessary bruises. Not every kid is so lucky to have supportive parents.</p>
<p>My 9th grade daughter heard a parent say, "I am a hands off parent, I trust my kid to do everything himself." I was surprised to hear my daughter ay, "Yeah, she is hands off because she is lazy."</p>
<p>America is the land of independence. Other cultures are more nurturing and supportive to the capability of their families.</p>
<p>The statistics are what, that half of those that go to college don't get degrees? Do you think that the half that doesn't get degrees had a lot of help or no help from their families?</p>
<p>I think that it's an extreme case but there are a lot of lessons to be learned from the Duke Lacrosse Case. The three accused had incredible family support systems that could come up with huge amounts of money so that they didn't have to wait in jail and for the best in legal help. But interviews with the families and court testimony from the parents revealed just how great their support was from their brothers, sisters, extended families, parents and their high-schools.</p>
<p>If you were falsely accused, faced death threats and 30 years in jail, wouldn't you want a little help from your parents? Or would you ask for a public defender and take care of it yourself?</p>
<p>I remember last year, my daughter said her boyfriend's mother did not read his essay even when he asked her too. His parents handed him wads of money and told him to make his own decision regarding college. Fast forward today, he is not as happy with his college choice as my daughter.</p>
<p>What oldfort said.</p>
<p>D1, a senior in college, consulted us on all kinds of questions the first year, including course selection, roommate issues, boyfriend problems, etc. Now, she makes a lot of decisions -- what summer internship to take, where to apply for grad school, what courses to take, etc. -- pretty much on her own. She still asks for advice and input; but she needs less, and we give less. </p>
<p>I think it will be pretty different with D2 -- she'll pick her own courses from the beginning. But, interestingly, we're also more involved in her college application process -- in part, because she started the process with absolutely no idea where to apply, what sorts of schools to consider, and so on. If I had said, well, it's your life and your decision, good luck in finding a school, I can guarantee she would have either been paralyzed with anxiety or come up with a list that was inappropriate. I gave her some suggestions; she did the research; and added one school on her own. D1 knew what she wanted, and we did very little.</p>
<p>Every child is different, and we have worked differently with each D. But in both cases it's been a process of standing with them, sometimes pulling, sometimes pushing, sometimes standing on the sidelines and cheering. A lot of successful parenting is in knowing when to do what, and to be flexible with each child's strengths and weaknesses -- and to recognize our own along the way. D2 has found the application process stressful; but she also admitted that without our support and coaxing (and more, sometimes), it wouldn't get done. We could say, tough, that's your problem; but she is grateful that we haven't.</p>
<p>No one gets into Harvard alone. Or community college for that matter. </p>
<p>I've taken on the job of helping my son's friends investigate colleges and fill out applications. These kids (& yes, they are kids) have parents who are working two jobs or don't have parents. That is a tough start in life. </p>
<p>Really, there is no need to worry about those of us who are involved in the process. College is not the real world, it is not living on ones own. Beyond editing a resume if asked, my son will be on his own once college is over. For now, we need to stay connected as we embark on the second largest financial expense we'll ever have as a family.</p>
<p>I think there's confusion about what we're even discussing. I think everyone here agrees there are lots of over involved parents. Being involved in the college process does not put a parent in that category. </p>
<p>lots of the kids of the parents here get into college, hit the ground running and never call home! Those of us who celebrate "our" admission do so because every major success of offspring will forever be a family celebration.</p>
<p>OP,</p>
<p>From the point of freshman year in HS through a successful launch of a career is comparable to a long Marathon effort. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon.</p>
<p>Do you see any top athletes without coaches? Do you see any race car winner without a supportive crew? Can you think of a successful politician without an army that is supporting him? Or a successful Broadway singer or a thespian for that matter? </p>
<p>Successful careers don't just fall in anyone's lap. These are striven for and built over years of protracted effort and unwavering discipline. </p>
<p>You don't need to look far. Look at Obama. Without his mother's efforts and his grandparents grit, his wife's support, he wouldn't be where he is today.</p>
<p>Find any successful person and you will find supportive mentors and parents or families behind him/her.</p>
<p>Finally, even though the kids are the ones running this marathon, we the parents are the sponsors! Most of the kids get their College expenses paid by guess who? Parents!</p>
<p>Investors have every right to ensure their investments pay off. In this case, not back to us at all. Just pay them forward to their own families they will one day have and to the society they shall reside in.</p>
<p>My mom went to a college in a different country 20 years ago and my dad is a high school drop out, so neither of them can really offer too much advice. Right now they don't even know what colleges I'm applying too, and although it is stressful I'm getting by fine on my own. They have always trusted me a lot and I respect them for letting me do what I need to.</p>
<p>Well said pharmagal, I'll just add that IMO the marathon starts at birth.</p>
<p>I'm so glad my parents don't try to get too involved with my college stuff. LOVE THEM.</p>
<p>My mom helped me with ideas for my essay, but other than that I've scheduled the tours and interviews, I've registered for the tests, and I've filled out all the forms. She helps me if I ask, but she trusts me to get it done myself.</p>
<p>When our DS was applying ly...we reviewed his essays, went for campus visits, but that was it....including his app for AFA. I would constantly remind him I won't be with you next yr to remind you to get this done, and whether he went to the AFA or a typical college, he was going on a ROTC scholarship and must maintain a 3.2 </p>
<p>It obviously worked, he is pulling a 3.5 with 18 credits in the Scholar program at UMD.</p>
<p>It's best as the parent to the cut the strings while they are still at home so you can get them in the pattern of being self-reliant...will admit still do his laundry when he comes home</p>
<p>Honestly, I don't know why parents seem to be defending their roles. I think things are incredibly complex out there today and that kids kids being given guidance is a good thing. DH and I see ourselves as advisers. </p>
<p>We feel our role with kids in college and grad school is to help them understand what's out there, give them the benefit of our 50 plus years living among people doing all the things they want to do. My parents couldn't do that for me, they were less educated than I was after my freshman year and I observed that the kids who did have parents doing high level advising had an advantage. </p>
<p>Our parents still advise us on some subjects and I hope our kids will turn to us where we have knowledge that can help.</p>
<p>Well at least I'll be one of the few people who agrees with tenniskid.</p>
<p>My parents, although I can't hate them, have been really horrible to me.</p>
<p>I moved to the U.S when I was really young. I've been pressured and a lot of horrible things have happened to me because they wanted to me to succeed to school. (for example, they wouldn't let me eat for a day because I wasn't doing good in math in 6th grade). I can't get close to most of my friends. I can't go anywhere, pretty much my only place is destination room. Its' horrible, now finally I have college, the one thing I've been looking forward to doing and I can't go. I've been forced to not fill out applications to schools I wanted to go to. Even lacrosse, the only sport I love, they keep telling me how horrible it is they have to drive me everywhere and they wouldn't let me get my license. Now I'm 18 and I can't head off to the college I want to. This is so cruel and vindicative. Its horrible. I know that some parents are good but for all its worth, I really don't want any relationship with my parents and I can't do anything about it. I tried help hotlines, everything. So please as a lesson, PLEASE don't be the parent my parents were. (For the record, I've never taken drugs, alcohol or anything)</p>
<p>I guess life isn't fair.</p>
<pre><code> Doug in Missouri
</code></pre>
<p>Doug
Truly sorry for your misery. But I have to say, what you describe of your parents is not overprotective and it is not even over-involved, it is "controlling"
You give only one side, so I have no idea what motivates your parents, but fear of failure, even by one's child, can be a very real thing. In all likelihood, they want the best for you, they want you to succeed and they take their job to help you do so very seriously - possibly to the extreme.
If you could somehow sit down with them and a family counselor, maybe some light could be shed as to why things have progressed to the state they are in. I wish you luck.
Now I'm off to tuck in my kid and tell him I love him.</p>
<p>My parents never pushed me in high school, which is a blessing and a bit of a curse. I never took SAT/ACT, AP classes, or even applied for universities. The upside: they encouraged me to go to community college and make something of myself. They would have been happy had I done a number of things(work, military, trade school, etc.), but I chose to go to CC with the goal of transferring, and I'm on the verge of doing so. </p>
<p>My theory: some kids are just hardwired, regardless of certain upbringing, to be independent and hardworking for their own sake, not just for mommy and daddy. I'm not saying I'm one of those, but I'd like to think I share some characteristics with those that are. </p>
<p>Helicopter parents are most likely poisoning their children and preventing them from fully maturing, taking responsibility and making something of themselves for their own reasons and goals.</p>
<p>ccc88 - if your parents were able to advise you on taking SAT/ACT or take some honor courses in HS, maybe you would have received some merit scholarships to four year college instead of trying to transfer later. Hands off parents (to me it translates into part time parents) prevent their children from reaching their full potential.</p>