<p>PG: when D1 did her internship last spring, the employer had housing for the students and deducted the cost from their (minimum wage) pay. I supplemented her income with $100/month. I wanted her to get used to paying her own way. It was fine, and enough and she didn’t complain although she didn’t save very much. This summer she has a professional internship already lined up, with housing provided and paid for by the company along with a very nice hourly rate. I won’t be supplementing a thing; as a matter of fact DH & I have been reminding her about all the things she’ll need money for in the next year (apt. deposit, car, car insurance, furniture, etc.) </p>
<p>Things may be different for D2. I highly doubt, based on her current academic and career pursuits, that she’ll be in position to line up the same type of internship that D1 will have this summer. Internships in her area of interest are traditionally low or non-paying (DH & I had those type when we were in college) so we would probably supplement her, but it would be so she could have food and not live in a vermin infested hovel, rather than for her to bank $$$. </p>
<p>Go with your gut. It doesn’t sound like your kiddo would take advantage of your generosity, and if it makes you feel better to do it, there’s nothing wrong with that.</p>
<p>Or you could give the kid a nice supply of Whole Foods gift cards. That way at least you know the kid will have food! Maybe as a special present a couple of gift cards to some restaurants. Then you will know the kid will be going out at least a little.</p>
<p>I think you should ask H the kid what he would think about trying to do it on his own. He may want to do that. Or it could be that certain expenses will be beyond him, like airfare or housing, but he would like to try to pay for everything else. He will know you are there as a safety net.</p>
<p>It doesn’t sound like your kids are keeping score on who is getting more support. If you feel like you owe them an explanation, just say you want to give them the chance to make it on their own. You could verbalize some of your thoughts about equality vs fairness, and about upholding obligations. I haven’t had to give this sort of speech yet, but I think I would tell my kids that I want to support them in what they do, but sometimes the support will be unequal. The kid who goes to medical school will cost me more than the one who gets a job out of college, at least in the short term. One kid might need help with a mortgage. The other might want a loan to start a business. I would tell them their future needs will be different and unforeseeable, but I will be there to help them. </p>
<p>I don’t have twins. My kids are different ages. They have different interests. I have been explaining for years why one kid gets something the other doesn’t. Fair isn’t always equal.</p>
<p>Fair is not always equal. We are paying the Direct Loan payments for both of our kids. One has been to grad school and has a larger loan payment. It’s the way it is.</p>
<p>Our decisions are made based on what one kiddo needs, not based on what the OTHER kiddo might need or not need.</p>
<p>Your kiddos sound very responsible. I doubt that they are counting each other’s money.</p>
<p>I think it is wonderful that you can make the offer of some subsidy to your kid(s) if needed.</p>
<p>PG- In all honesty, it sounds to me like you’re having trouble with the changing nature of the parent relationship. I don’t see an issue about summer support. He should live on his salary and if that’s not sufficient, you’re still there as a safety net. If you’re concerned about equality you could set aside some “bonus” money for H, in the event your other child needs a greater contribution. But I wouldn’t give it to him as unneeded living expenses. That sounds to me like overparenting.</p>
<p>My kids are few years older than yours, and, full disclosure, D’s path to independence was not quite as smooth as S’s. I honestly think it’s largely because we didn’t need/have financial aid for D and we did for S. So he was more aware early on of the idea that he could “contribute”. But both of them have been able to support themselves away from home when they have needed to. I think both my kids value that ability greatly, and I think I made it harder for D by providing a lot more support.</p>
<p>If this hypothetical child were still a student, and dependent on me to pay for her education, then yes, I would subsidize. I do expect children with degrees to seek gainful employment that pays a living wage.</p>
<p>At the very least, in this situation, if housing isn’t provided, the parents should be prepared to step in and deal with the legal/official logistics of obtaining such housing. Depending on the time timing, student housing may not be available and in that event, parents will likely have to do some signing and possibly deposit providing before the student has received his or her pay.</p>
<p>m2ck: My husband thinks Kid H should do it on their own. (Note I’m being very vague about which kid it is because I don’t want gender to influence the discussion. It’s interesting that some posters assumed it was my daughter and others assumed it was my son.) I assumed we would pay for room and board. We’re absolutely not fighting or anything over this, we’re just discussing and grappling with many of the issues you all have brought up. Maybe we would pay for x% of room and board, that type of thing. In any case, I’m totally the type of mother who would get some gift cards to local restaurants and the like, so no worries there!</p>
<p>We expect our DD to use the money she makes from summer jobs to use as her spending money in college. We pay for room/board/tuition/books/transportation home, and everything else is hers to pay for.</p>
<p>My DD did get an internship in NYC, but could live at home. At first I said to her, “The train ticket will eat up alot of your paycheck” but it turns out that her employer paid for her monthly train ticket.</p>
<p>When I was in college I got a summer job in Boca Raton FL at IBM. I paid for my own housing/food, etc. </p>
<p>If my DD got an internship that was very related to her major and her living costs exceeded or equaled her income, I would ask her to make a budget. I would take into account how much money she had in the bank (if she has money in the bank, then making spending money for college is not as important) and then I may partially subsidize what she is doing. I would not give her tons of spending money…I think it better that they learn what it is going to be like when they go out on their own and have their first job.</p>
<p>Right, but we don’t. Our kids have all saved the money they’ve made from summer jobs, etc. for the future, and we provided their spending money in college with an allowance. Which we were all comfortable with (and I still am).</p>
<p>My DD can be a bit, eh hmm…entitled when it comes to spending other people’s money so for her I think it best to start making budgetary choices. But the key, as you say, is to know what works for your own kid. For us I would support opportunities that further her chance of success, while making sure she is prepared for the real world of when she is on her own.</p>
<p>If the internship covers all expenses and the parents’ goal is to transition to “on H’s dime” it would seem the answer is to not subsidize.</p>
<p>OP-- you mention that you and your Husband provide an allowance that you feel should cover all (reasonable?) out of pocket expenses of your two students during the school year. Do you monitor what they spend it on? I ask because I have observed that part of the trouble some parents have with the transition to “on the child’s dime” is the resulting lack of knowledge and control by the parent over how much the student spends and what it is used to acquire.</p>
<p>I really think that you should let H kid go it alone. H kid and you are both aware that you are there as a safety net. (I would help out by providing up front sums such as security deposits, if necessary, or possibly a start-up fund to tide H kid over until s/he gets the first paycheck.)</p>
<p>If H kid wants to spend less money on food, s/he can cook. If H kid wants to spend more money on entertainment, eating out, and cabs, H kid can choose to take money out of his/her savings. To me, that would be a preferable life lesson. If you don’t want that, then how about simply continuing your school year allowance over the summer months, leaving kid H to pay for the basics out of the stipend.</p>
<p>In the interests of full disclosure, it’s $200/month/kid (which I recognize doesn’t go as far in NYC as it does where they are both at school!). No, I don’t monitor it in the least. As I’ve said repeatedly, both kids are pretty frugal. The occasional movie with friends or coffee shop visit or bottle of shampoo and the like. They don’t come anywhere close to using it all, and we tell them - this money is to be spent and enjoyed. This isn’t about trying to “teach a lesson” in trying to get a kid who spends like mad to finally watch it and not be so free with the money. If anything, the lesson I’d rather impart is - enjoy the money you do have; you’re young, you have the freedom, etc.</p>
<p>I’m not saying that your kids are spendthrifts who need to be reined in. I do think, though, that actually living on one’s income is a valuable life lesson and provides insight into how other people live, which is always valuable. I once worked in a factory on Fish Pier in Boston. I can assure you that actually experiencing that work and getting to know those people was a valuable life lesson.</p>