Parent: How did your kids sway you to let them cross the country/Kids: How did you sway your parents

Parent Cafe
1

i’m sorry in advance, I don’t know how to write briefly

I’m gonna need every little tip or advice I can get.
High school senior currently, 17 years old. I live in NJ but have my heart set on the UW in Seattle for multiple reasons. My parents did not inform me until very late in the college applications process that they weren’t going to let me leave state–and that even in state, I would not be allowed to dorm. I know a lot of you will say it’s a long shot, but I’m determined to change their mind, because frankly I’m not giving this chance up, period. We’ve had argument after argument about this and it’s really just not getting anywhere. They’ve said that money is not the issue, and so I’ve told them that I’m willing to have them move with me and live nearby. I feel like I’ve started to open them up a tiny crack over a bit, because they are now allowing me to at least APPLY to Pacific-coast colleges–I’m basically sending in twice as many applications as the average senior because I gotta apply for where I want and where they want. They’ve been quiet in recent weeks about their thoughts on actually letting me go there, but regardless of what they do, I want to spend the next few months until enrollment decision time rolls around giving them undeniable proof that I can handle it myself.
Their claims have been:
–I won’t make it by myself
–I need supervision to make sure I “excel”
–I’ve never lived alone or far from home

As far as the second claim goes, I’ve told them I’ll be studying something I’m beyond passionate about, so there will be no reason for my grades to not excel.

As far as claims 1 and 3…they really have no concrete evidence to say whether or not those are true–because they’ve never TRIED keeping me alone and seeing what happens! (which is why I want to do that now) yet they keep making that claim and it’s sickening me. I’ve told them that they shouldn’t limit education for this. I’ve also told them that I feel this is my last chance to go out, live alone, and seek independence because they’ve literally kept me on their LAPS for 17 years. I’ve done more mental preparation than you could imagine–I know I’m ready. But how do I get them in that position too?
I’m an only child so of course I understand their doubts, but I want to get them to feel completely comfortable letting me go. As a university, my dad researched UW and has said he likes it–they’re in the top 50 worldwide for both computer science (my major) and pre med (he wants me to at least TRY that), whereas Rutgers–which they keep obsessing over–is in the 100s for computer science and not even in the top 200 for pre med. That just leaves the being-away-from-home thing. But I’m prepared more than you think–honestly, I’m making phone calls, I’ve been looking up flight prices and information, dorming info, nearby housing. I’ve even talked to my parents’ friends and relatives who sent their kids as far as London–daughters included–and asked them to have little chitchats with my parents to push them in the right direction. I’m also making lists for myself of chores to do around the house on a daily basis to constantly show them how responsible I can be to care for myself. I’m dead serious about this.

I know my case is very extreme because I’m looking to literally switch coastlines, which is a LOT farther than most of your kids probably traveled, but: Besides what I’ve already tried; what did your kids do, or what COULD your kids do, that would convince you to let them go such a distance for college, assuming they’re 100% sure it’s the best option for them, and assuming they’re willing to bring you with them or go it alone?
I intend to study computer science, particularly to work in a game-production environment. The best schools for that are clearly located on the west coast, and so are all the big game/software company headquarters–and they know that.
My parents are both in their early 50s and are immigrants from Pakistan, if that helps. I’m a straight boy and single, born in NY and moved to NJ with parents when I was 7. I have never drunk, never smoked, and have zero interest in that; I’ve been educated repeatedly and deeply on how to stay safe from those things. Self-defense is also not an issue because I’m a tae kwon do black belt.
I really appreciate all of your time.

2

University of Washington is a really top school for CS these days. Maybe not on par yet with CMU, MIT, Berkeley or Stanford but definitely going in that direction. Rutgers doesn’t even begin to compare, sorry to say. I hope your parents come around and let you leave the nest. It seems that it’s more about them and their insecurities then it is about you. They can’t cut the cord and allow you the freedom you’ll need to someday thrive on your own.

Good luck!

3

As Pakistani immigrants, perhaps having them look at their ability to succeed so far from their family/parents might help. How old were they when they came to the US? Sounds like they cannot let go of you, for whatever reason. Is there any history to make this more understandible?
Both my s’s live on the opposite coast. We never limited where they cook look for colleges. It was completely their choice. So apologies but its hard to offer advice there as. its hard to relate. That said, the only reasons we wondered about their going so far from home was (a) the impracticality of coming across country for short holiday breaks. That, and we feared that if they went across country they wouldn’t come back. We were right.

4

First, if it is due to finances, there isn’t a lot you can do about it. It is cheaper to live at home, so you can’t get around that. You need to find out if that is the real issue.

I lived at home all through college. Now as an adult with my own college kid, I really regret that. I stayed at home far too long, because it was too easy for me. I began to resent my parents for cramping my lifestyle. I was selfish and they got on my nerves. I thought the problem was them, but it wasn’t. If I could do it over again, I would live on campus. I think living at home for so long made me unmotivated and it took my quite a while before I moved out. By that time, we were thoroughly sick of each other. Of course, that was a long time ago.

Show them this thread. Tell them that millions, literally millions, of college students all over the world move away from home to go to college. Tell them you need to learn independence and this is the best way to do it. Tell them that virtually every parent on this forum thinks they are doing you a disservice by forcing you to live at home while you attend college. And show them how great the college is, and what advantages you will have by going there, and what their post-grad employment rates are, and how well connected you will be, and how you will not be able to do any of that if you stay at home. Good luck.

5

Point out that every one of the freshmen at UW is smart, figuring out how to live alone, motivating themselves to succeed, and living away from home for the first time. 94% of them come back sophomore year.

You can promise to do weekly Skype calls so they can see that you are doing fine.

Possibly they are worried about cultural ‘difficulties’ for you. Point out that there is a Pakistani Student Association on campus. Washington is a very tolerant and welcoming place, in my experience.

6

Checking for clarity…you expect your parents to move from NJ to WA so,that YOU can go to college in WA?

7

Hopefully your parents’ friends and relatives will help them come around. If not, start looking for acceptable compromises: great schools for your program that are at most, a few hours drive away. Maybe your Dad would be swayed if you selected “local” colleges and universities that are known for their medical schools even if you have no intention of taking that path.

Another approach might be to contact people in the Pakistani community in Seattle, perhaps from a campus affiliated mosque or student association. See if someone there is willing to reach out to your parents and reassure them that you won’t be culturally isolated in the wilds of the Northwest.

8

Not taking your parents’ side on their helicopter tendencies, but…

Be aware that not every applicant to CS at Washington gets direct admission to the major. Due to the popularity of the CS major there, those entering as undeclared face another competitive admission process to get into the CS major.
http://www.engr.washington.edu/current/admissions/admitstats

Given the likely price difference, and the fact that Rutgers is a perfectly respectable school for CS (common rankings are in the 25-50 range, not 100+), does it really make sense to pay a lot more for Washington or other out-of-state schools?

In other words, you may be going overboard on focusing on a dream school.

9

You are a senior NOW and you are just now getting your applications sent to these west coast schools?

http://admit.washington.edu/apply/freshman/deadlines

Unless I’m reading this incorrectly…the application deadline for fall,admission was December 1.

10

I went from CA to MA, and my folks were pretty cool with it.

11

We are on the west coast and our son goes to school on the east coast. It wasn’t hard to let him go because we have a lot of relatives on the east coast so it felt like, if he can’t be with us, at least he can be closer to his grandparents and aunts and uncles. That said, if you have no relatives on the west coast that could make your parents a little more comfortable with the idea of sending you there, perhaps you can research the Pakistani community at UW and in Seattle in general, and let your parents know there are groups that would welcome you and be a proxy for having family there.

12

There may be lots of good reasons for their objection, but I bet that if you thoroughly address every single one of them, their position won’t change. That’s because it might be that the real reason is that they just don’t want you to leave home. That’s a feeling all of us parents have to one degree or another. We have trouble seeing you as the young adults you are, and we’re scared of how you will do without our daily supervision.

Also, if you’re the only child (do you have siblings?), we parents fear the sudden quiet in the house. Don’t dismiss that as silly – our kids leaving for college is a giant change for us, and we miss you terribly when you leave. They might be anticipating that, and dreading it.

None of that is to say that you shouldn’t go to UW (my alma mater, BTW :slight_smile: ) if that’s best and if it works out. I just wanted you to know about the unspoken emotions your parents might be feeling. You need understand and acknowledge those feelings, as well as any cultural issues that may be coming into play. So you may want to stop thinking of it as “talking them into it” but more of a “I get that you feel scared AND here is how I can address those fears.”

ETA – Agree with @ucbalumnus about the dream school. There are lots of schools all over the country where you can get a fine education in CS. Don’t make the mistake of getting fixated on just one of them.

13

You can near home for UG, apply for internships out west for summers

14

For me it was simple. I told them straight-up, that the only reason that we have a relationship, is because I wanted it. I told them that very soon I will be 18, and whether they like it or not, I will attend college, wherever I want. So they can either let me be, and keep a relationship, or try and hold me back, and lose the relationship.

That woke them up to the reality of my age, and they started to soften.

I’m still paying for everything except the deposit myself, but hey, independence.

15

@project21

Your position is a bit extreme, in my opinion…

16

Whoa. Too much to read. Can you break that up?

I am thrilled that my kids are happy and healthy and doing well across the country. It’s nice that they see each other often. Would be nice if they were closer, but it is what it is.

17

@“shah.purfect”

You can be as firm as you want to be as long as you can pay all of your own bills.

18

Oh my gosh, so many responses!! thanks so much all of you. I never really post on forums so I was scared to look at the reactions but all of you are so friendly and empathetic! first off, i’d like to clarify I DON’T plan on living out west permanently–just till complete my bachelor’s (and probably master’s.) For that though, I need to crack down now on proving to them that I can handle myself alone–because they’ve never tested me to see whether I can or can’t, and so they’re–unjustifiably–assuming the latter as of now, without giving me that chance. How do I get them to give me a shot to prove myself to them?

19

@Multiverse7 I appreciate your words, I really agree, I think it is about their insecurities. like I said, I feel like if we don’t cut the cord now, i’ll never truly be able to move past the “living-in-their-laps” stage.
@jym626 i’m sorry to hear your sons didn’t come back…but relax yourself knowing they’re happy! and don’t apologize, thank you so much!! you’re right, I could use that to my advantage. they came to the U.S. in 1989, when they were 23 and 25, but they waited until '99 to have me due to financial reasons.
as far as i’m aware, there’s no such family history really. in fact, it’s split evenly between them–my dad’s whole family lives just one state over, whereas my mom’s family is scattered across America, Europe, and Asia, and both of them have been fine and maintain regular contact with their siblings/family, so I don’t see why either of them would have doubts on leaving or staying.

20

@Lindagaf I relate so much to you that it’s scary. first off, they’ve told me finances are not the reason, but I’ll do my best to find out if it really is.
“Cramping my lifestyle” could not describe my situation more accurately. It’s not that I hate them for it–I really, genuinely don’t–but they’re just so INVOLVED in everything that a part of me starts to wish so hard that I could just get things done myself, but they don’t let it happen–it builds up frustration inside me. But I’m not looking to leave home because we’re fed up with each other; i’m looking to leave home so we DON’T get fed up with each other. I want to see them over breaks, maintain regular contact with them, live with them during summers, and once I get my bachelor’s, return to them as a proven independent adult, and that day all their doubts will dissipate and they’ll realize I’m full-fledged–except that won’t happen if I just stay with them for college. They’re holding me back from my best success.
Currently, their constantly–by which i mean every 30 minutes–asking me about homework, studying, tests, quizzes, teachers, and everything all day long (and not just like quick questions–LONG discussions about topics which I already know I’m handling well by myself) has had a negative effect. It’s ironic because the things that I would’ve done correctly myself independently aren’t getting to that par: because they keep pestering me about them.
They don’t understand when I say this, but hopefully you guys do: when you repeatedly tell someone to do something and constantly nag them about it, it turns into “ugh, I gotta do this thing for them now” rather than “ok, I need to do this for my own good”–they forget that this is supposed to be something to benefit them! in the past, my grades have severely sunk because of this–it just ruins the work for me when they take something I WOULD’VE done successfully myself and it turns into half-hearted studying/work because someone constantly CONSTANTLY talks to you about it when it’s already in your head. and yet they don’t believe this when I say it, and continue to do so. I need to be able to do it myself to succeed for myself. It’s not that I lack motivation to succeed–it’s that they take away that motivation by stressing it so much to the point where it becomes motivation for the wrong reasons, which makes it weaker.
If I stay with or near them, I know the same thing is going to continue in college and our relationship, plus my grades, will tear apart because of frustration with each other.
Or I could get things done myself and make them realize that too.

But I can’t do that unless I leave…
Thank you for relating with me, and for the good luck wishes. I will take your advice.