parental dilemma

Parent Cafe
1

<p>My son (oldest child) is 20 years old. He was certified as gifted, and was a straight A student all through school. He began taking dual credit college classes in his junior year of high school and made A's and B's which was fine with his father and me. School has always come so easily for him. He received several scholarships. He lives at home and has a 15 minute commute to the university. He has always been responsible and a really good boy. He has never gotten into trouble or even rebelled as a teen. We pay for his car, insurance, cell phone, and textbooks. He has a part-time job and pays for his gas, eating, and entertainment.</p>

<p>The dilemma...He really doesn't know what he wants to study. He started in accounting because he is so good in math, but didn't like it and didn't do well. He knows what he doesn't want to do (which seems to be everything), but he doesn't know what he wants TO do. He changed his major to secondary math education. Last year he lost all of his scholarships due to failing classes and had to take student loans. He is now on academic probation. Now he 'thinks' he wants to teach elementary school. He comes from a long line of teachers, but I think he is choosing this because he doesn't know what else to study.</p>

<p>He wants to take a year off which his dad and I think is a good idea. If he does, however, he will no longer have health insurance so he decided to stay in school because we told him that he will pay for his own insurance and start repaying student loans. We told him that he is wasting a lot of money and time on these classes he is failing (some for the SECOND time). That doesn't seem to have an effect on him at all. He isn't out drinking or running around. He is home most of the time when he is not working or playing intramural sports. He stays up ALL night (up not OUT). He rarely studies. He spends most of his waking time online playing some reality game, watching youtube videos, etc.</p>

<p>I just don't know what to do about it. He's always been such an easy child. I can't make him know what he wants to study. I could really use some advice. We did tell him if he goes back in the fall, he will pay for his own textbooks as well.</p>

<p>TIA,</p>

2

<p>I know this is a side issue, but why does he lose his health insurance if he is not in school? Just want to make sure that you know that under the new health care law, he can be covered under a family plan (if you have one) until age 26 regardless of whether he is a student or not.</p>

<p>Seems to me he does not have much motivation to figure this out. He has a place to live, and you guys are paying his tuition. Honestly, I would suggest family counseling in this situation. He seems to be locked into (and getting away with…) behaviors that are spoiling his academic career. </p>

<p>A year off won’t do much good if he doesn’t get some experiences that help him decide what to do. I suppose you could tell him that he has to work full time during that year (via multiple part time jobs if that is all he can find), and at the end of the year he either needs to go back to school with NO failed classes or you stop paying his tuition, or else move out of your house and support himself full time if he isn’t ready for college at that time.</p>

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<p>I am not usually harsh in my posts , but your son sounds a lot like some of my girls high school peers who did exeptionally well all throughout school and played the game parents wished for…and perhaps has too much pressure from parents to be perfect since he is so bright ( how does one " certify " being gifted ? ) Is he the oldest ?
How exactly will he lose his health insurance when the laws have changed to keep your dependant children on until age 26 ?
Maybe a year off would do him good , but then what ??? He might just need to sew his oats and mature a little before making too much of a commitment towards his future
Let him breathe</p>

4

<p>I think you should ask him what he wants to do about next year. Does he want to take a year off? If he does, I wouldn’t let the insurance issue be a deciding factor. Unless he has some chronic health problem, you can buy him a high-deductible policy fairly inexpensively.</p>

<p>If he wants to stay in school, what about giving him free rein to take what he really wants to study even if its not practical. Maybe its drama, maybe its creative writing or music. Maybe he’d like to take a computer class or something phys. ed. related since he’s already involved in sports.</p>

<p>He doesn’t know what he really wants, because he’s been doing what other people want him to do for too long.</p>

<p>If, for you, it’s all about increasing his ultimate employability, then the best thing for now would probably to get out of school and start working.</p>

<p>It’s not uncommon for kids, even high-achievers, to hit a point where they don’t know anymore why they’re doing what they’re doing. He needs a chance to figure it out… and it won’t probably be a straight path to finding out.</p>

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<p>Also, don’t lay that “gifted” thing on him. That’s a ton of baggage that is meaningless at this point. Perhaps it had some significance in public school if it got him access to programs or classes… but now, you just need to meet this kid where he IS. Not where anyone thinks he should be.</p>

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<p>It sounds like your son is addicted to computer and online games. You can setup account to limit his time online. It is pretty easy to do. </p>

<p>Push him to go out and work more hours. Suggest him to find an office job that can lead to a career, not just part-time job with restraurant or store.</p>

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<p>Give him a time frame when he will need to move out. When he needs to support himself, he will quickly figure out what he will need to learn in school, and it may not be four year college.</p>

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<p>Actually I didn’t know the new healthcare law would extend his coverage if he left school.</p>

<p>In regards to paying for tuition, we have never paid for his tuition. He had scholarships, and once he lost that he began taking student loans. The only thing school related we pay for is/was his books. We’ve told him that will no longer happen.</p>

<p>As for the year off, I was hoping it would give him time to mature somewhat and figure out what he wants to do, but I see your point. We have told him that if/when he does move out, he will have to pay for his car, insurance, and cell phone.</p>

9

<p>I think your son sounds depressed. I would get him to the doctor.</p>

<p>Does he have friends that he socializes with? It sounds like he’s just been going to classes and then went home to play video games by himself. No wonder he’s not motivated to find a major/career for his future…he thinks the future is going to be similar to the present…same o same o. </p>

<p>Are you and his father married to each other? If not, could the divorce or the reason for the divorce have had an affect on him that he’s not been able to deal with properly? </p>

<p>Has he ever had any kind of love interest?</p>

<p>Where are his high school friends going to college? Are they commuting or did they go away to school? Did your son want to go away but wasn’t able to?</p>

<p>Back to accounting…your son is good in math, but accounting is not really the same. Accounting is for people who like “that sort of thing”. My son is a math major and the last thing he would want to take is accounting. </p>

<p>anyway…I’d get my son in with a professional to determine if he’s depressed.</p>

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<p>It was his idea to take a year off, and we were ok with that because he is just wasting time and money now. He doesn’t like the fact that he will be required to work full-time somewhere which is what we have told him to do. </p>

<p>He was ‘certified’ as gifted in elementary school (and then retested every 3 years as is required by the federal government) He didn’t know he was ‘gifted’ until his guidance counselor told him when helping him select high school classes. It was never a term we used with him. My reason for mentioning it here was simply to let you know he has the intellectual ability to complete college coursework.</p>

<p>When I ask him what he wants to do, his replies are completely unrealistic…to me. He says he wants to be a ‘hip hop dancer’ (this is what he watches on youtube and so you think you can dance, etc…) He has never taken dance lessons. He sang in his high school’s advanced choir, and has a good voice…so he wants to go on American Idol. He has a good voice…but not THAT good.</p>

<p>I do agree that he may be addicted to internet games, etc…but I think he’s just lazy…although he has always had chores and expectations here at home and was voted ‘hardest worker’ in high school (which is extremely ironic).</p>

<p>As I mentioned before, he has always been a mature young man in terms of moral issues/behavior and helping with his younger sisters, etc but he just doesn’t seem ready to be an adult. </p>

<p>I’m having trouble relating to him for several reasons. My family was less financially able than we are so I had a job from the day I turned 16. I paid for everything myself from class ring, prom dress, senior pictures, etc…I moved out when I was 18 and didn’t go to college until I was 21. My husband always worked and knew what he wanted to do, but he didn’t apply himself in school until we married. Maybe that’s where we messed up, by not making him work in high school. But he was involved in sports and choir.</p>

<p>He is a good young man who needs to grow up and find his motivation/direction. I just don’t know how to guide him at this point.</p>

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<p>Depression and a lot of other mental/emotionally maladies rear their ugly, ugly heads during young adulthood. There are those who go wildly “insane” and do risky, crazy things, and some who just are so tired, confused, depressed that they don’t want to do anything. I agree that you should start with a complete physical including drug testing and a referral to a psychiatrist.</p>

<p>Then let him come home and offer a sanctuary of thoughts with rules, and give him some time to find a direction. Usually these things do work out but they take time. They obey no schedule or parent imposed deadlines.</p>

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<p>He needs to have more dreams. I would wager that he sees doing well right now as knuckling under and giving in to conformity, which he is not ready for. Living at home and majoring in accounting and having scholarships pay for all of it is a cross between childhood and being an old man.</p>

<p>Where is the scope for dreams and aspirations and trying new things?</p>

<p>I’m not saying it’s your fault at all. Just the way things shook out.</p>

<p>You say you worked at 16 and were an exceptionally responsible and self-sufficient young adult so that is a model for your family.</p>

<p>But it sounds like this child needs adventure which he is supplying in destructive ways.</p>

<p>If he takes a year off, he may never go back.</p>

<p>Most colleges have distribution requirements. Maybe he could meet his by taking frivolous seeming courses and staying in school. For my son that would be making movies, watching movies. He took a course in “the philosophy of Aikido.” Not practical but he learned to do Aikido and got some discipline at the same time. Nothing to do with career aspirations.</p>

<p>If he is truly gifted as you say, math just for its own sake might inspire him more than accounting or math teaching. It seems that everything is a means to a goal in his program; nothing is for the sheer joy of learning. </p>

<p>To me that is what is missing.</p>

<p>I hope this makes sense and I managed to say what I wanted to: there is not enough fun in his approach so he is supplying it in less constructive ways.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

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<p>His father and I are married (22 years) and have never been divorced or married to anyone else. </p>

<p>Most of his friends did go off to college which were good kids. He did want to go to other colleges that were unrealistic for us financially. I am a teacher and he gets a 25% discount to a state college or university so his choices were limited. He began playing on a traveling, university club sports team, and he developed a new group of friends at college. These friends were very into drinking and fraternities, and were a huge disappointment to him because he isn’t interested in that. </p>

<p>I’ve considered the possibility of depression, and I’ve spoken to him about it. I’ve spoken to him about talking to a friend of ours who is a physician and someone he has always been close to and trusted. He refuses. I do know about the types of mental issues that emerge in young adulthood, but I don’t see any reason to suspect anything like that…aside from depression.</p>

<p>I really appreciate any and all input.</p>

14

<p>I got depressed just reading OP’s post. 20 years old, living at home with parents, no friends, no social life, no girlfriend (any experience with girls at all?), no fun in life. He may be depressed, but it could me more situational than a clinical depression. I’m no expert and may be using these terms incorrectly, but you know what I mean - not necessarily the kind of depression that requires meds. This boy needs to get out and experience life - was living on campus not an option for financial reasons? A depressed loner WILL gravitate to video games, internet surfing, I’ve seen it play out so many times. Take the computer away, he’ll be forced to find other things to do. And yes, a full time job will most likely work wonders for his confidence, feeling of accomplishment, social interaction, etc. This boy needs to get out of the house.</p>

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<p>I’m confused about the health insurance too…if he is under 26 years of age and is currently ON your health insurance plan, he should be able to continue on your plan.</p>

<p>Some kids take longer to figure out what they “want to be when they grow up” than others. I would let him take the year off. Can he apply for a leave of absence from his current school? </p>

<p>In addition, I agree, it might be helpful for someone to help him sort through what is going on.</p>

<p>Many folks don’t graduate on the “four year plan” and some graduate with majors declared simply because THAT is what they have the most credits accumulated in. It’s not the end of the world if he does something different for a year…or more…if it is productive and perhaps helps him find a niche.</p>

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<p>No advice… just wanted to say that aside from all the other issues, I don’t think it is all that unusual for a twenty year old to not know what he wants to do. Some kids are really focused on a goal from a young age (my S1) and others just don’t know.</p>

<p>My S2 is a college junior who doesn’t really know what he wants to do in life either. He has average (but not great) grades and is on track to graduate in May 2012. He’s not a “go-getter”. He doesn’t have a “passion” for anything. We keep hoping he will have some sort of epiphany over the next twelve months.
My neighbor’s twenty-one year old is in the same boat. He has changed majors so often that he’ll need five years to graduate but still doesn’t know what he wants to do either.</p>

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<p>I guess from my description, he really does seem like a loner. That has certainly not always been the case. He was very popular in high school, and had a close group of friends. When he got involved in sports in college, he got a new group of friends and wouldn’t do things with his high school friends when they asked. As I mentioned earlier, these new friends turned out to not be the kind of people he knew he wanted to or should spend time with. They knew he didn’t have an interest in drinking, so they would call him to be their sober ride, etc. He got tired of this, and has drifted away from those people…and his father and I are very thankful for that.</p>

<p>As for girls, he had a girlfriend in high school for a short time. He broke up with her because he said he didn’t feel like he wanted to invest the time or money into a relationship. He had a date for his prom, etc. I’ve asked him if there was anyone he was interested in dating, and he says he has no interest. He says he doesn’t have the time or money to date. He also said (which I disagree with) that there is no point in just ‘dating’ unless he was looking for a spouse…so he won’t even ask anyone out.</p>

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<p>I’ve experienced what your DS is experiencing a number of times in my life. I don’t think that it all that uncommon to not know what you want to do and get all unhappy about it. My suggestion is that he get on craigslist or go to the college internship office or check out websites that advertise internships (idealist, mediabistro, etc) and just start interviewing and trying different things out while he still takes a couple of courses to keep the student life up. Sometimes knowing what you don’t like is part of the process. In the meantime he is meeting lots of different types of people and learning about different office and work environments without a giant commitment - most internships last 3 months and can be a couple of days a week. Just interviewing can be a positive experience because you learn to sell yourself and focus on the all the good things you can offer an “employer”.
Its a big world out there and you should encourage him to take a look around.</p>

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<p>He does sound depressed, but it sounds like there may also be some deeper issue in terms of connecting to people long-term. I am also picking up on some rigidity of thinking/lack of flexibility. Discarding friends because they drink (my daughter has health problems that make drinking impossible, but she is still friends with those who do), too much focus on exactly what he wants to do (though that may be family culture). Often those with that kind of rigidity also can get habituated/psychologically addicted to certain routine activities, such as the video games etc. It is hard to switch acitivities and transitions are hard for those with this make-up.</p>

<p>I am not necessarily implying any pathology, and this could be an intellectual and emotional style. However, I think some neuro-psychological testing would be very helpful. There are often ways to get this covered by insurance, particularly if done for psychological assessment rather than educational. “Gifted” kids are often considered a “special need” for many reasons, and can have quirks that can be either strengths or obstacles, depending on guidance, attitude and opportunities. He could even have attention deficit or some other undiagnosed challenge, which sometimes becomes more apparent in college.</p>

<p>There are a lot of great suggestions here. Maybe help him relax about the whole career thing and just try to learn and enjoy learning. Career does not have to be determined by major, either. (Accounting would be deadly for someone who loves higher math, anyway.)
State universities and colleges have distribution requirements that can also seem a little deadly at times, but if exploration is supported by his family, he could discover something that he loves to study. I know it is hard with loans now an issue, but if he could have fun and try not to think quite so anxiously about future career…</p>

<p>Looking at craigslist or other sites (in our state we have hireculture.org) is a good idea, not only to look for something to do, but also to get a more realistic view of the job market. I like flyaround’s idea of combining a part-time job or internship with a course or two, so his toe is still in the water with school. Doing both school and work may be hard for someone with the flexibilty issues he seems to have, but it could actually help him too.</p>

<p>Is there a reason he did not live at school? Despite financial issues, it seems as if living on campus would be important. Can you swing that if he stays in school?</p>

<p>Did you investigate private schools with financial aid that can sometimes make private schools less costly than public? Is there an environment that he might like better, like a smaller, more creative, more individualistic college? There are problems with his transcript now, unfortunately, but if he is diagnosed with depression, perhaps that could be explained as a factor.</p>

<p>Finally, I actually worry about the kids who you call “good kids” who don’t rebel and don’t get into any trouble. Again, he strikes me as rigid, maybe even suppressed. In my experience, they are all trouble of one sort of the other, and that is how they grow into full and wonderful people!</p>

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<p>I can’t say which is preferable in terms of having troubled kids. It’s like asking how you want to be tortured. You just pray that this is the temporary insanity of youth because you really don’t know while you are living it.</p>