parental dilemma

Parent Cafe
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<p>I don’t know why choosing to be with kids who know how to have fun without alcohol or drugs is rigid or suppressed. Contrary to what you might believe or experienced, not everyone feels the need to rebel or get into some sort of trouble. I did not, nor did my sister, my husband nor any of his siblings or their spouses. My son realized that he was being used by his new friends. This went on for a year, so it’s not like he was so rigid that he didn’t try to be friends with people who are different than him. This was also a very hurtful experience for him, because he cared about these friends. It wasn’t until they started mistreating him that he broke off these relationships.</p>

<p>He does play church league sports and college intramural sports. I’m not saying he’s not depressed, because I think that’s a possibility. I think mostly, however, it’s a lack of direction, motivation, and just plain confusion about the path he wants to take in life.</p>

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<p>mommyto3, I have lived this and you need to have him take the time off and get a job if he resists returning to school. . S3 was the only one of ours that tested like yours and was sent to gifted program magnet school. Because is was very bright and charming and in the gifted program they let them do all kinds of different things for learning topics, he disguised his learning disability related to processing and management skills. </p>

<p>When he got to college he could not adapt to the academic environment. Because he was so social he was involved in all kinds of activities. Because he had been labeled “gifted” he resisted using the schools help centers. But he no longer could compensate and no one was making him do the things that were hard for him so the course requirements overwhelmed him. It had nothing to do with how smart he was, but how mature he was and how he was not able to manage time and workload on his own. He also could not figure out what he wanted as a major.</p>

<p>He failed after 2 years. Came home and has worked on and off for the last 4 years. In the last year he landed the job that suits him. He finally made enough to move out on his own. His employer appreciates what he can do and has plans to advance him. Sure he’s a waiter/bartender but he is the best they have and trains others. Everyone starts an entry job somewhere. Not everyone will do so from college. We have told him we would support his returning to school, but he is not interested. S2 went on a similar path and returned to school when he was 26. </p>

<p>If he takes the year off you must insist he get a job, any job at this point so he can get out and become self sufficient. If he took out loans you need to consider that they will come due if he is not in school. So it is either back to school and use the schools resources to learn to learn, or get a job so he can manage his bills.</p>

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<p>Sometimes posting with a ‘temp agency’ can get kids moving. The jobs are filling in, here and there, with no commitment. Sometimes, however, something clicks and you can find something you like. I ‘temped’ when I moved to a new city as a young person and had a lot of fun ‘trying’ different companies in this city and learning about different jobs. Perhaps your son could try taking one course and registering with a temporary work agency to see how he likes various jobs in your area. I know it can be hard for kids to figure out a job they want, if they drop out, and internships aren’t easy to find.</p>

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<p>Most of his friends did go off to college which were good kids. He did want to go to other colleges that were unrealistic for us financially.</p>

<p>I agree with an earlier post that his depression may be more “situational” than clinical. If he was a top student in high school and his friends went off to college, he may have felt “cut off at the knees” when he had to stay local. Hindsight is 20/20, but if he had high stats, he probably could have gotten a good scholarship to go away, but it doesn’t sound like those options were known about or considered at the time. </p>

<p>Even if the young man is only situationally depressed, anti-depressants can help a lot. I have an extended-family member that had a series of setbacks that sent him into a depressed-like-state and once on anti-depressant meds, the change was tremendous according to other family members (I don’t live in the same state, so I haven’t witnessed the change first hand). He went from wanting to quit his job and literally starting over in another town, to being upbeat and on the right track. the meds keep his serotonin levels correct.</p>

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<p>I like mycroft’s temping idea too.
In terms of the depression issue, does he think he is depressed and does he think he would benefit from professional advice? Have you asked him?
You sound like a concerned parent who has a good, close and open relationship. Work with him on a plan of action for trying to determine what he want to do in life. Think of it like a project with defined action steps. From how you described him, he might feel better once he is working his plan.
I am repeating myself here but in IMO he really needs to get out and explore - both academically and professionally.</p>

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<p>I have talked to him several times about the possibility of being depressed. He denies beings depressed, but yet he says he’s miserable because he doesn’t know what he wants to do and isn’t doing well in school…even though he doesn’t seem to be putting much into his schooling. The semester started out good (in terms of effort and discipline) but deteriorated by midterm. He absolutely refuses to consider medication for depression. I asked him to speak to our physician friend about it, but he says he thinks it’s ridiculous how people turn to medication, etc. I told him that I know medication has helped a lot of people get through difficult times, and it’s usually not permanent…but as of now, he won’t consider it. I really do think it would help him though. My husband has sort of the same mindset regarding medications too, so that could be where he gets such strong opinions on the matter???</p>

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<p>I kind of agree with compmom. OP’s posts show hints of her son not connecting emotionally with friends/peers/girlfriends. Not to overanalyze based on a few sentences by OP, but a few things stuck out for me. Dating only a means to find a spouse, no time or money for gf, no interest in maintaining hs friendships…but maybe that’s just a guy thing, my son is kind of the same way, but it does concern me.</p>

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<p>one more thing – it’s not unusual that he says he is not depressed. Depression doesn’t always feel like sadness, despair, pain. Often one just feels nothing.</p>

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<p>I’m confused. If this is what he wants to be doing, then why is he not doing any singing or dancing at college in any clubs? Or taking music or dance classes?</p>

<p>I’m not saying he can become a hip hop dancer or singer. </p>

<p>I’m saying that this is something he has expressed interest in, and is not pursuing. Why is he not pursuing it?</p>

<p>He’s accustomed to physical activity (from past sports) and the dancing would help energize him. Everyone knows the benefits of exercise.</p>

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<p>I want to echo some other comments here about the possibility of depression.</p>

<p>I could be situational, it could be clinical, he may not have it at all-but from what you describe it sounds an awful lot like what I went though around his age.</p>

<p>The behavior you are describing sounds a lot like the isolating people with depression do.</p>

<p>I understand his resistance to medication and yet can you imagine someone with a physical illness refusing medication? You sound like you are doing your best to be a good mom-how I wish when I was experiencing this 30 years ago someone had known what was wrong with me and gotten me help.</p>

<p>There is no reason your son has to continue like this. There is help and no one should be ashamed to reach out and get that help.</p>

<p>He is so young with such a bright future-whatever issues he has can be helped one way or another-don’t give up hope. I have had a few issues surface with my children over the years and since I have lived through so much of this I have been able to recognize what was probably going on and intervene early enough to avoid major problems. I am not a medication first person at all-especially when they were younger. We have not had to go the medication route yet but if it ever comes to that I would do so in a heartbeat-there are some excellent medications out there that can make a huge difference for those that need them.</p>

<p>It has been my experience that I was never a good judge of when I was in trouble-those close to me were.</p>

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<p>He’s looking at singing and dancing and he’s seeing LIFE. It has nothing to do with whether or not he could do it at a professional level. He wants to live, to express his creativity. He’s 20 years old and, as you say, he’s been a “good boy” all his life… that often means he’s been doing a good job being what other people want him to be.</p>

<p>I’m not saying he should stop being “good” – but let him stretch himself in new directions. Take some dance, music, drama classes. I know being in college is expensive so people sometimes want the experience to be purely practical and employment-related, but that’s not working for him so he needs to try something else.</p>

<p>The way you immediately dismiss his longings (“he’s not good enough”, “he’s never taken a dance class”) is a little glimpse of the reality he’s grown up in: He should do what we want, because he’s not good enough to do what he wants. He needs to settle for less because his limits have been set for him. Geesh… I’d be depressed too.</p>

<p>So, okay, let’s just say he’ll never be on a singing and dancing show – most kids, even those with some talent who are dedicated to it and supported in it will never make it that far either. But the benefit of expressing who you are and exploring life not knowing where it will lead… that is very important to some personality types. Some need to do it for a little while when they’re young, some need to do it all their lives. The choice is whether you encourage it or suppress it. I think suppressing it is not working for your son.</p>

<p>My husband is an actor. He has made a living at it (and supported his family by it) for many years. He is one of very few from his college theater program who has made a go of it. Most have long since switched to other careers; real estate, teaching, banking, being a minister – all kinds of different things. With the advent of Facebook he has been able to get back in touch with a lot of them.</p>

<p>Not a single one of them regrets their early involvement in theater. It’s meaningful, it’s creative, they made deep friendships with kindred spirits. They look back on it as a wonderful time of their lives. </p>

<p>Maybe it’s too expensive to stay in college for that, but there might be lessons available, community theater groups… who knows. It’s worth supporting your son to check it all out. Get excited with him. Don’t try to make him be an unhappy accountant or an unhappy school teacher. Maybe meds can help, but if his low spirits are related to paths not-taken, then he’ll just be a somewhat less unhappy accountant or school teacher on meds.</p>

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<p>Maybe the answer is a combination of different class choices and seeking some professional help?</p>

<p>Have you discussed other career options and encouraged him to explore his interests-no harm in that either.</p>

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<p>'rentof2: Iove your post. What I was trying to say.</p>

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<p>Medication is not the only treatment for depression. Some sessions with a therapist – perhaps a psychologist – could be very helpful. Mommyto3, can that be arranged?</p>

<p>Also, given your son’s reaction, I would give up on the idea of having him speak with the physician who is a trusted family friend. Although it may well be that this physician would respect your son’s privacy, I can easily see how a family friend would be the last person a 20-year-old would want to speak with about personal issues. Also, the friend is a physician, not a therapist, right?</p>

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<p>A few other IMHO thoughts:</p>

<ul>
<li><p>I’m kind of bothered by your son being labeled as lazy. If he were truly a lazy person, what is the explanation for how well he did in high school?</p></li>
<li><p>I have a son who is taking a leave of absence right now, after two years of college, so I know from our situation that the posters who have said that the new health care reform law means that your son can stay on the family plan are correct. That is really a non-issue.</p></li>
<li><p>When I was your son’s age, I also had no clue what I wanted to do with my life, and had a hard time choosing a major. I ended up choosing Psychology, I think because it sounded as if it would give me some answers to the Big Questions. Which it didn’t at all, although I did enjoy the major and don’t regret choosing it. But I did not pursue the field after graduating, and ended up going to law school. So I would cut him some slack with that. He’s still young.</p></li>
</ul>

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<p>I hear and understand what all of you are saying. I would like to say that I have never told HIM that I didn’t think he was good enough to sing or dance. I said that here in an effort to explain our situation. But I do think you’re right in that I’ve not been an encouraging of him in this manner as I could/should have. He looked into taking hip hop dance classes once, and I told him that he could take a class. He ended up not taking it because it would interfere with some of his sports endeavors. I’ve also never called HIM lazy to him. Again I was just trying to tell you guys what I felt was part of the issue.</p>

<p>In regards to that and his success in high school, I think that is a big part of the problem. He never had to study in school…ever…even though he always took advanced courses. I can’t remember him ever bringing a book home to study. Now that he is in college, he can’t get away with that anymore and he doesn’t know how to handle that.</p>

<p>I’ve encouraged him to see a career counselor, but he says he’s already taken all those tests, etc that are designed to identify interests, etc. Again, he knows a thousand things he doesn’t want to do.</p>

<p>I will make an effort to encourage him more in his creative interests. Last summer American Idol came to a city only an hour from our home. I tried to get him to go then, but he was real involved with some of the people he has broken from. There was a volleyball tournament in the other end of the state, and he made the decision to play in the tournament even though that would have been the perfect/easiest opportunity to pursue that if he had really wanted to. He told me that he had already committed to the tournament, so he felt it would be wrong to cancel. He says he is trying out this summer, he doesn’t care where he has to go so we’ll see.</p>

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<p>From the evidence of this board alone, many young men go through periods like the one you describe.</p>

<p>I would say the consensus is that there is too much emphasis on career too early in the process.</p>

<p>My S has only decided what he wanted to do about four months before ago and he’s about to graduate in June!!</p>

<p>Only two of his courses are at all related to the career he wants to pursue. He even had an opportunity to take courses this last semester related to the field, but he chose not to.</p>

<p>He has had a paying job in the field of endeavor he wants to pursue and had a brief internship over Spring break.</p>

<p>One thing we discovered is that not of the graduate programs in his new field require a BA in that field. Depended on which program he chooses he might have to take two or so courses, but that’s it.</p>

<p>Instead, he learned things he loved that have absolutely no practical value. However, I can’t express how much he’s grown as a human being. There are been bumps, but he has weathered them and come back stronger.</p>

<p>He has no plan in place for his future (I’m not making one for him because that always sends him running in the opposite direction), but he has a direction.</p>

<p>Since he’s only 21, we’re satisfied with his progress and overjoyed at how much he knows and how thoughtful he is.</p>

<p>My daughter was the opposite – knew what she wanted to do since she was 7, and she is pursuing it. But even she needed a gap year between college and professional schooling to solidify her interests and complete the standardized testing she had to do. There have been some bumps for her, too, but she, too, has weathered them and persevered.</p>

<p>Developing character is more fundamental to success that choosing a career. Most people will change careers sometime in their lives. The key is to be adaptable and have a tool kit that allows some flexibility in employment.</p>

<p>So, I thin decatastrophize the situation. Tell him that what’s he’s facing is fairly normal. Encourage him to join an acapella group at school. Maybe there’s a hip hop one. Tell him that right now all he needs is some classes he likes, even if they’re completely unrelated.</p>

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<p>This sure sounds like situational depression to me!</p>

<p>The best way for him to help himself is by getting involved with helping others. Volunteer! If he likes kids, volunteer at a local school or community center or summer daycamp. Or sign-up with Big Brothers or the Boy Scouts or 4H group. If he likes sports, help out with and after-school sports program. If he wants to dance, find a dance studio and offer to help setup for spring shows, or help out with a community theater musical. If you’re church members, look for opportunities there. If he sings, surely there are community or church choirs. If he can’t get motivated to look for stuff that interests him, then drag him along to volunteer on stuff that interests you.</p>

<p>Any of these things will help him make personal connections and build his ties to the community. He’ll be busy. He’ll get out and meet people. He’ll figure out what he’s good at – and find ways to be useful. That will feel good, and motivate him to do more.</p>

<p>The volunteering should be in addition to (not instead of) continuing with school or looking for work, reconnecting with HS friends, exploring whether there’s a medical problem, and all the other good suggestions from previous posters.</p>

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<p>For some entry level jobs, you may not need a Bachelor degree. Maybe ask him to try part-time job with banking. His math skill would be useful. Or he can try realtor, taking some related courses to get the license. Even though my son is only 12 years old, I can see myself in your shoes in a few years because he is also a loner, so I feel your pain (or worry). As a parent, we always worry about the kids and about their future. Maybe only when they are married, we will feel the burden to be lifted.</p>

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<p>Your S has dreams that you consider unrealistic–hip-hop, singing etc. I totally understand all the parental concerns. He’s smart enough to do accounting but he doesn’t care. It’s very hard for a science minded (math-left brained) parent to understand the workings of a right brained (music, art) child. Some kids are both. Good at math and science, but really love art and music. If you’re a left brained (science guy) parent, you want your kid to take that career path (worked out great for you with good job opportunities). Who wouldn’t want to follow the 4 year get-a-degree path? Seems a no brainer especiially if your kid has the smarts to do it. All is great until your math prodigy wants to open an art studio or go into music. What to do? Take a calculated leap of faith.
Mto3, take a new direction and a very direct approach in researching the careers in the music industry that appeal to him. He doesn’t need to be THE artist to become part of the scene. Finance? Promotion? Recording studios? Talk to people who have those jobs. Look up the websites. Salaries? Locations? Opportunities? How did they get THEIR job? Qualifications, experience needed. All the nitty gritty. Maybe after the research it won’t be so great to him and he’ll find something else Or he’ll find his perfect niche. You may discover that his choices and career opportunities are not as limited as you originally believed.<br>
You DO need to be willing to do a lot of the initial research. Your research shows him that you are supporting him in his decision to even look at the career paths he may be interested in (he wants to please you). If you leave all the research to him, he still knows he needs to overcome your initial objections and nothing will happen.</p>