parental dilemma

Parent Cafe
41

<p>I didn’t read every single post on this thread, but in the ones I did…there was much discussion of some type of depression. While this might be the case, I didn’t see the suggestion that he just get a full-time job. You son sounds like he just “stalled.” There are jobs out there, even in this slow ecomony. It will get him out in the world. He will meet many people with differing levels of education and life experience. With no intention of over simplifying …sometimes we can sit and over- analyze a problem, when a simpler solution may do the job.</p>

<p>I had no idea what I wanted to do when I first went to college. I got mediocre grades and dropped out. I got a full-time job with tuition benefits at a biggish company. I took one or two college classes at night while working full-time. I met accountants, engineers, marketing & sales folks, operations people. I learned about real-life economics first hand. My parents helped me a bit, but let me find my way. I finished my degree in my late 20s and have a great career.</p>

<p>All roads are not straight ones, and it takes some of us a lot longer than others to find our way - but we get there eventually. The important thing is to get out and start looking…</p>

42

<p>

</p>

<p>Exactly. Summer is upon us and send him off to do whatever pleases him. Just don’t stay home playing computer games. Hard labor could be one option and dancing another. It should be billed as a positive experience.</p>

43

<p>quote]Maybe that’s where we messed up, by not making him work in high school.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>It is possible that this is what you are communicating to your son, if not directly, then indirectly. That he is disappointing you. And then, it’s easy for it to a self-perpetuating reality.</p>

44

<p>Are you sure this is not my son you are writing about?</p>

<p>It is frustrating when a kid says his career ambitions are to be an “American Idol” or a hip hop dancer, but he isn’t willing to take the classes or apply for the positions/opportunities that might move him in that direction (and, in fact, makes excuses as to why he can’t). He wants the lifestyle, but not the work or the move-out-of-his-comfort zone that going for it would entail.</p>

<p>Someone chastised you for wondering if your son was lazy, a criticism of the OP that was way off base. This is a 20-year-old who insists he’s not depressed, who likes to play intramural sports and video games, who did great in high school when he didn’t have to work but is floundering in college where he doesn’t want to or isn’t able to do the work necessary to get good grades or even pass classes. This is a young adult who wants to take a year off school but who is irritated by the suggestion that he will need to get a job and support himself during that year. As a parent, you would have your head in the sand if you were not wondering if an unwillingness to work wasn’t at least part of the issue.</p>

<p>I don’t have any answers for you but I do have a lot of empathy since I am dealing with a lot of the same issues with my son. Spouse doesn’t want son to take year off college due to fears son will never finish degree. (Son might have to take time off anyway due to academic issues.) Son has no summer job or internship yet. He says he applied for a few positions but surprise! the few he applied for were not interested in hiring someone with 2.5 GPA and little work experience. Applying for more positions would be too much work and there were not many positions he was interested in applying for anyway (since there are so many things he doesn’t want to do).</p>

<p>Sorry about this depressing post but obviously I am very frustrated and depressed about situation. Only hope for positive change I see is son eventually having to get job of some sort, summer or otherwise (because he wants to stay in college town and we will not pay his rent) and him disliking whatever job he gets enough to feel inspired to identify something else he actually wants to do. As it stands, playing video games and intramural sports while entertaining lofty ambitions is too comfortable for him to expect anything else.</p>

45

<p>Mythmom, my son is a year behind yours, but sounds similar in many ways. He’ll graduate in June '12, and he doesn’t really have a sense of what he’ll do after college. He has loved his major, but it’s not a major that has an automatic career path attached. I figure he’ll get out of college and just work and live life awhile, and at a certain point his mind will turn to what he might do as a career. That’s all just FINE with me. He’s a great kid, a smart kid, and he’ll be fine… on his own terms.</p>

<p>Also like you, I have a daughter who is like a laser beam. Knows exactly what she’s after and has for a long time.</p>

46

<p>I really appreciate all the input, advice, empathy, etc that I have received. I assure you, I am internalizing all of it. I love my son (like every mother) more than I can even express. I want him to reach his full potential, and I want him to be happy doing it. I guess it’s not that easy lol. I’m so thankful that each of you are really trying to weigh all of our situation and give well-meaning advice. I truly appreciate it.</p>

47

<p>Just want to clarify that I wrote in a hurry and did not mean that kids should “get into trouble” but that most kids are troublesome at one point or another. By that I mean, anything from being rude and disrespectful around the house, to suddenly abandoning long-time interests, to hanging with the “wrong crowd” or working less hard at school. </p>

<p>It does often seem to be essential to the path of becoming themselves, rather than becoming what others want, trite as that may sound. Of course, for some, this happens in later life. This crisis of your son’s may actually benefit him in the long run, especially since he has caring parents who are supporting him.</p>

<p>I still think this son should be evaluated for learning style and difficulties, including ADHD. It sounds like he may resist, but it seems as if there might be something undiagnosed going on. There is a book out called “The Myth of Laziness” which might be of interest. Again, in our experience and others, giftedness can mask some learning issues all the way through high school, that become more apparent in college, especially when the supports of home are no longer there.</p>

<p>I stand by the idea that, from what the original poster has written, the son has some lack of flexibiilty in thinking and relating, which a neuro-psych. evaluation could clarify. This is an online forum with limited info, so this could be wrong, but it is what jumps out at me.</p>

48

<p>I agree with whoever said he “needs to get out of the house”! And that he sounds “situationally depressed.” Have you guys considered travel, by any chance? He would have to have some money (and ideally, a friend to go with), but the idea could motivate him to get moving, work, save money. While some might think that taking off to travel is frivolous, I think that for this age to:</p>

<p>save for a goal
undertake all the planning of transportation and lodging
learn how to survive on your own in strange places by your wits
get to know other cultures</p>

<p>can be incredibly inspiring, and could lead to being more ready to focus on the next step. Lots of people do this either before or after college, or at least they used to, so I think at 20, it’s conceivable. </p>

<p>Also, there are abroad programs where you go to work in agriculture, and, it really seems that for young men, especially, this is very satisfying and appropriate.</p>

<p>Best of luck!</p>

49

<p>Thanks for your clarification. I understand what you’re saying. As for learning disabilities, ADD, ADHD…etc, I’m not that concerned in that regard. I’m actually a special education teacher (21 years) so I do understand how learning disabilities and being academically gifted often coexist. I’ve never had any reason to suspect anything of this sort however. Thanks again :)</p>

50

<p>I think that you should have your son evaluated for clinical depression as well as any learning disabilities. Please get ahold of a good neuro-psychologist or psychiatrist to help assess. Good luck to you both.</p>

51

<p>We usually take a few trips/year. This summer, unfortunately, we won’t be able to do so because we have niece getting married, one of my daughters will be getting her tonsils removed, and I am having knee surgery. He is planning a trip with one of his old high school friends that he still sees when she comes home from school. Actually upon reflection, I do think that things will look up when all of his old friends come home for summer. He’s not being distracted by the group he was so engrossed in last summer which kept him from spending time with his old friends…so in regards to his social life, things may improve there which might help his outlook a lot.</p>

52

<p>He sounds like someone in my family, he also was a really good kid, excellent student, but different than his peers at that age. He dropped out at sophmore level,not having a focus, lived home, worked, volunteered and stayed in a lot. At some point a volunteer postion at a firehouse gave him friends and a sense of givng back. As he got older, not drinking or going to bars all the time, wasn’t such a focus and he found a career path in the FBI (where his spotless record/background was appreciated.) : )</p>

<p>My son had a focus in college but played a lot of video games and preferred to stay in than be out with people he didn’t really want to be with. He called it an “overdeveloped conscience” and later in grad school, found it easier to find like-minded peers who didn’t rotate around parties/booze all the time. It takes more effort to find friends but finding an interest and getting involved helps. I love that my kids didn’t have me up at night in high school and am grateful for a few “quirks” as long as they are happy and not depressed. Sometimes a child/adult doesn’t know they are depressed or thinks it will pass, sometimes it does, but it’s good to keep an eye on it.</p>

<p>.</p>

53

<p>*In regards to that and his success in high school, I think that is a big part of the problem. He never had to study in school…ever…even though he always took advanced courses. I can’t remember him ever bringing a book home to study. Now that he is in college, he can’t get away with that anymore and he doesn’t know how to handle that.</p>

<p>*</p>

<p>Frankly, at some schools, even the “advanced courses” are so lightweight that they are a poor prep for college. </p>

<p>If he had taken various seriously-taught AP courses with serious assignments, it’s doubtful that he would have been able to go thru high school without any studying. Either that, or the assigned homework was so inclusive that it acted as studying. The transition from seriously-taught AP courses to lower-division college is not that different.</p>

54

<p>OP, you have not addressed the question that has been asked a few times earlier on the thread about your son living on campus. Did he live on campus at any point? If not, why not? Was this a source of disagreement with him at any time?</p>

55

<p>There are several red flags to me in your posts, mommyto3, and I strongly encourage you to get a thorough psychological/physical evaluation by a psychiatrist and neurologist.

  1. Staying up all night playing videogames–could be a sleep disorder, could be signs of mood disorder like bipolar, and sleep deprivation could CAUSE a mood episode. If he’s having racing thoughts, playing videogames can be calming, and distract his mind from his thoughts. Also, playing videogames can be addictive, sounds like it is with your S. Big red flag.
  2. Delusions of grandeur–stating that he’d like to be a professional hiphop dancer when he has never studied dance could be grandiosity, another marker of mood disorder (bipolar).
  3. Denying that he might need help–another symptom of mood disorder.</p>

<p>I wish you all the best, do require him to get a professional assessment. Required to allow him to live at your home.</p>

56

<p>"There are several red flags to me in your posts, mommyto3, and I strongly encourage you to get a thorough psychological/physical evaluation by a psychiatrist and neurologist.

  1. Staying up all night playing videogames–could be a sleep disorder, could be signs of mood disorder like bipolar, and sleep deprivation could CAUSE a mood episode. If he’s having racing thoughts, playing videogames can be calming, and distract his mind from his thoughts. Also, playing videogames can be addictive, sounds like it is with your S. Big red flag.
  2. Delusions of grandeur–stating that he’d like to be a professional hiphop dancer when he has never studied dance could be grandiosity, another marker of mood disorder (bipolar).
  3. Denying that he might need help–another symptom of mood disorder.</p>

<p>I wish you all the best, do require him to get a professional assessment. Required to allow him to live at your home."</p>

<p>Smartest advice, yet! I, too, was concerned about the grandiosity.</p>

57

<p>I would strongly second what hanaviolet said – try to help him get a job for a number of months so that he can save up some money for a well-defined goal, with a great candidate for that goal being travel. When I went through a funk for a brief period as a young man, travel, not in the US but world travel, brought me out of it.</p>

58

<p>I too was concerned about the sleep pattern or lack of one. This could be helping to cause some of the problems or could be a symptom. Would he be amenable to working on that – trying to get regular, more healthy sleep habits going? I realize this may be impossible to encourage in an adult child, but the sleep deprivation could be playing havok with his moods, etc.</p>

59

<p>intparent~In my original post, I mentioned that he lives at home which is 15 minutes from campus.</p>

<p>We definitely had a ‘breakdown/breakthrough’ last night. It didn’t start out pretty, but ended up getting a lot of things resolved. I still have to verify the insurance issue, but I’m so glad to hear that it will most likely not be an issue. That has made our decision easier. Last night S came home from work in a foul/mad at the world mood. When I questioned him about finals week, he blew up at me which he has NEVER in his life done before. Never as a teen has he ever raised his voice or been disrespectful to me. He let us know how miserable he was in our house. We told him that he was welcome to leave if he felt that way.</p>

<p>A lot came out, and he is no doubt depressed. He graduated from high school two years ago. In that short time 6 of his classmates have passed away from various causes…one was just last week in an auto accident. This came out as an issue. He said he’s afraid he will die before he has ever been able to do some of the things he wants to do in life. </p>

<p>After much discussion, frustration, and tears, we have decided that he will not return to school next year. He said he is willing to work harder to earn more money so he can pursue some of his creative interests. We addressed the depression. Even though he agrees he is depressed, he was furious and adamant that he will not seek help because he thinks it’s ‘nonsense’ to take pills. My husband didn’t like the idea of medication too…that’s where S gets it. :confused: I told him we were not through discussing it. Before it was over, he was extremely apologetic for his attitude, and I could see that he felt as though his future was more in his control.</p>

<p>Once again he stayed up all night. He told me that he tried to sleep, but he couldn’t so he got up. I told him that is another sign of depression and we will not be ruling out medical intervention. I told him that if he didn’t get his sleep worked out, I will be taking him to the dr…period. He was in a much better mood today, because he feels as though things are going to improve. I will give him a few days to get his sleep straightened out. By the end of the week, I expect to be making an appt at the dr.</p>

<p>I told him to make a list of the things that are most important to him and a plan as to how he thinks he can achieve it. As for the grandiosity, I really think it is more a reflection of his lack of maturity rather than any sort of mood/personality disorder. Without knowing him, I understand why it really seems that way. I had a double major in college which was special education and psychology. I’m not a licensed psychologist in any way/shape/form, but I do know something of these things and I have considered a lot of possibilities. I really feel as though depression is the culprit, and I truly believe medication will help. </p>

<p>I hope I’ve addressed everyone’s concerns/input, and again…I’m so appreciative.</p>

60

<p>Very glad to hear all this – it does sound like you had a breakthrough night!</p>

<p>But I do have one question, which is whether you have talked with your son about the possibility of psychotherapy – either alone or with medication. I think that therapy and medication together would be ideal, but therapy alone, if your son is refusing medication, could still be very helpful.</p>