<p>The boarding school experience IS a shared culture. Coming from a lower middle class family who could only dream of BS, and on the receiving end of those who had the means of attending (or got in with FA) growing up looking down their noses at us, yes it’s a real achievement to have a kid obtain the privilege of getting into a top boarding school. Getting into and attending a top high school means something if you come from generations of have-nots. And Yes, attending a good public high school also means a lot to us as well–the privilege of good education. Let’s face it though, who doesn’t ooh and ahh when they hear about a kid who got into Exeter or Andover or who is seen in a sweatshirt wearing the red and blue (and blue/gold…green etc.). You’re going to tell me, you don’t stop and think, what a smart kid??? Let’s not fool ourselves, it does bestow or confer more than just a notion of good education and if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll probably agree.</p>
<p>Exie-contain yourself. I’m an ivy league alumna and a medical school graduate. My child has already done very well and will continue to do so. We had to come to realize Andover is not the goal…a good education is and my son will do well whether he decides to go to TOP BS or public high school. Don’t rant at me…you’re not the only one (with hubby) who does college interviewing and knows anything. Worry about yourself…I fear lunacy for you. At least I’m just a helicopter parent.</p>
<p>Benley - You are right – it really doesn’t matter and I hope the rational parents get that. What matters is will the student get a more rigorous education than they get at home? Or will they be exposed to something they can’t get at home (for us - it’s also the international diversity, and the range of courses). Will they be stimulated?</p>
<p>I mean it when I say the students who only want “big name schools” tend to do worse in college because they’ve been chasing the wrong dream and have nothing to show for it. And their parents are miserable to be around.</p>
<p>I truly believe that my kid found schools she loved and that loved her. Since both have strong academics and good overall extra curriculars. What more could we want for our children but to be happy and stimulated (and well educated) while they’re away from us?</p>
<p>Yep - I’m a proud Exonian whose child decided Exeter wasn’t a fit and chose schools that were. I didn’t have a choice when I went to BS. Glad that my child does.</p>
<p>RBG2 - a lot of people don’t ooh and aah upon seeing those shirts. A lot of people don’t care. And those that do, I wonder about.</p>
<p>But like I said - I’ve been interviewing so long I predate the caveman and I will repeat - we can ALL see parents like you coming a mile a way and it’s a negative factor in an admissions decision.</p>
<p>In your own posts you stated that Andover seems to hate students that are “pushed” at them - which may be why my kid is still under consideration and yours isn’t. </p>
<p>It isn’t about who is ivy league or med school here. IT IS about who has been interviewing and has some understanding of how those decisions are made. It is NOT easy to turn down a bright kid - but some things make it easier than others. </p>
<p>So you might - rather than rant back at me - rejoice that your son got into some school (if it’s not his choice - why did he apply?) and learn something from the rest of us trying to give you clarification. There is little support for your position here.</p>
<p>If you had stopped pressuring your son - I suspect he would have done better in the eyes of the Adcom. Entitlement attitudes and privilege, do not - a good candidate make.</p>
<p>BTW - I have - upon hearing negative reports from students - reported interviewers who have the same entitlement mentality. MIT doesn’t want them on the team either and I suspect neither does Andover.</p>
<p>Point taken, Exie. But, how did you determine Exeter was not a fit for your child? Knowing Exeter as you had, you still had her apply to Exeter right? So, did you find it’s not a fit along the way, or after the fact she was not selected by Exeter? Care to explain why it’s a fit to you but not to your child? I think it’d be helpful to many who do care about “fit” more than anything else, which I think is right.</p>
<p>presumably, a psychiatrist knows more about these things than the rest of us. however, to put it simply, anger just seems like an unusual and inappropriate response to the type of disappointment represented by denial of admittance to a school. i dunno… just my lousy $0.02</p>
<p>Not when you’ve been at this for awhile…wonder why so many people are so negative towards me…I’m entitled to my feelings, just as you are to your’s. See you at the Andover/Exeter football game, Exie.</p>
<p>i’m not negative towards you. i’m just baffled by your anger. my son was denied admission to his first choice school too. why would i be angry about that? who should i be angry at? i just don’t get it. for most of us here, i think anger is an emotion that just doesn’t seem to fit the situation. your angry reaction seems unusual. i’m not judging it. i’m just baffled by it and curious to understand it better.</p>
<p>I don’t know if this is the case with redblue, but if - say you “fell in love” with a school 3 or even more years ago and for all these years you’ve been working toward the goal -getting admitted to that school. Then when the disappointment hits you, it hits particularly hard. I think the lesson learned here is that it’s not that we shouldn’t have dreams/goals, but you can’t tie it to one particular school (or any object for that matter). And you should prepare for the worst scenario long before the “verdict”.</p>
<p>Benley - I didn’t choose. She did. Funny - I didn’t bring Boarding School up at all (probably because we’re close and I realized what the separation must have meant to my mother when I left.)</p>
<p>But my daughter was growing discouraged with the public school system and asked to go away. So I told her that boarding school was not like the “Disney” depictions and she should take one on a test drive. So I enrolled her in Access Exeter because I knew the campus and the admissions team and felt a bit “more secure” about using them for the first outing. She loved the experience and had to be dragged off campus kicking and screaming. But I don’t think it was as much Exeter as it was Boarding school and hanging out with smart kids that did it for her.</p>
<p>I think put Exeter on the list out of loyalty - she thought it was what I wanted (and I made jokes that she could only go to school that started with an “E”). </p>
<p>She’d never been on campus during the regular session - so we booked an interview on the same day as St. Paul’s. Then there were omens - like getting a flat tire one mile from the campus (humongous nail that looked like a railroad spike.) Got the car fixed and then sat in the admissions office waiting for an interview and realized that we were surrounded by Wall Street types and their mini-me clones complete with wingtip shoes and they made us feel unwelcome - that is - until the interviewer turned out to be my old dorm director - and an other officer came in to say hello. And then the parents wanted to know all about me - but when parents all went to their interviews - my daughter said the kids talked to each other but wouldn’t talk to her (they didn’t know she was a legacy). So on the way to interview #3 - she said “I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I don’t think this place is for me.” The tour was kind of odd too - we kept telling our guide that I was an alum and my kid had already spent the summer on campus - but the poor girl was on autopilot and wouldn’t get off the script. </p>
<p>So I think my kid was looking for her own space. For instance - once we got to Taft - it was completely different. She fell in well with some of the students - it was like they’d been friends forever - they were jostling each other and joking about guilty parents sending care packages during the tour. The tour was twice as long as Exeter’s despite the smaller campus. The school had additional faculty come to meet her, and when she was in the interview - I had a jovial conversation with faculty who were competing to impress me on who was the best teacher in the school. Ya know - not stuffy or formal or stiff at all.</p>
<p>Met a wonderful young woman and I asked her if she was a student (she was) and where she’d applied and she named a bunch of schools. One was Exeter. I said “what did you think of E? I heard it was awesome.” She said “I didn’t like it.” Then I couldn’t get more information out of her because my ever helpful kid says “Oh - did you know my mom’s an alum and interviews for them?” Sigh - that ended the spying. But I’d heard something similar from a girl interviewing at St. Pauls.</p>
<p>So I realized - then - that not every school suits every kid and it’s like a mating ritual - finding the right mate is the difference between a joyful life and a miserable one.</p>
<p>She likes Exeter - just liked other schools on her list better. And I’m glad. She’ll have her own unique experiences free from the baggage that comes with having an alum history.</p>
<p>And yes - if she is taken off the Andover waiting list I’m going to gloat it back at Exeter even if she enrolls elsewhere 
But I’m not pushing. She’s going to make her own choice and like I said - I’m so glad she has options.</p>
<p>RBG2 - you’re going to Exeter? That should be interesting. </p>
<p>I hope it’s your son’s dream to be there and not yours. Those kids who didn’t “choose” the school tend to do poorly. Take that to the bank.</p>
<p>See you at the games.</p>
<p>hear! hear! Benley, exactly.
And Jaypeeh, not sure I am saying anger is my biggest emotion, sadness is. I think others are thrusting anger upon me. We have a mixture of emotions, but anger is not the greatest. Wonder why y’all so angry. Angry enuf to try to shove it on to me.</p>
<p>ya-up Exie, guess we got somethin’ in common. Someone in our family is either been or goin’ to Exeter. Birds of a feather…</p>
<p>Not angry - just concerned.</p>
<p>Too many parents on the boards are projecting their own needs and wants on to their children and many of us have seen otherwise bright kids crash and burn because of their failure to meet their parent’s expectations.</p>
<p>Our son had a ton of help from his parents. On his application to Exeter we wrote that he was hardworking and smart but that more importantly he was possessed of a good nature and a strong moral compass. We further said that regardless of what he did in life - whether he wound up as an MD in Calcutta or as a street musician in Memphis - that he would be fun to watch and that he would surely find a way to bring happiness and solutions to the people around him. We meant and mean this with all our heart. The idea of a HADES school was fun to entertain but it was by no means essential. In fact, having been somewhat ill-served by the BS <em>I</em> attended, I unloaded quite a bit of skepticism and suspicion onto the admissions officer during the interview. I seriously thought I blew the whole thing right then and there. We went out afterward and celebrated anyway…to his effort and ours, to his excellence and ours. We talked about how long life is and about the abundance of opportunities a life typically holds. We talked about suffering and the persistence of struggle, about gratitude, and about how interesting and cool it would be for him to get into a school where 40% of the incoming student body is minority or international.</p>
<p>
Fun narrative, Rain! Did you blow it? What’s the result?</p>
<p>Found your old posts - congratulations on getting into Exeter. Your son will enjoy it!</p>
<p>Wow, as an outsider looking in, midwest divorced mom, state college gradate, URM, this conversation has amazed me and concerned me.</p>
<p>Here in the midwest bs is for “bad kids” or kids being sent away because the parents don’t want to be bothered. The honor is not that big of a deal.</p>
<p>I looked into boarding school to give my d the chance to b with others who had a love for learning and a maturity beyond their years, yet needed to be around like minded teenagers in a somewhat controlled environment. Safety is in the top 3 of my list, when considering bs. Chicago at this time is not safe for teenagers of any background.</p>
<p>I feel for the children who have such a family legacy to continue. I applaud the legacy parents who allow their children to find their own “fit” not the “fit of their mom/dad”. The only legacy that my daughter has to live with is that of personal success and that college degree.</p>
<p>My d hopes to go to a small liberal arts college, name not at all important when compared to the right fit and FA.</p>
<p>I remember when I was looking at graduate school and someone compared finding a school similar to getting a good pair of shoes. 'There are a lot of size nine shoes out there, but they don’t all look the same or fit the same, in order to have the best walk you must be comfortable", not your friends, nor family but you must see yourself living and breathing this for the time to come.</p>
<p>We, as parents, can go into a situation and see if our kids “fit”. If we are honest, we can tell if our kid will be comfy or stick out like a sore thumb. After a visit of 7 schools my d knew exactly where she wouldn’t want to be, thus we didn’t apply. Her now first choice wasnt even in our radar before the visit but I could tell 10 minutes into the visit and meeting 3 students that she would not only fit but thrive. We were right and the school selected her.</p>
<p>In the entire search for bs we were looking for a place/environment a situation that would work for my d and meet her needs and also her personal requirements, not a particular school (name). </p>
<p>This tread has been one of the top 5 threads that I have found useful in my short time here. I think in years to come, many parents will find this tread an eye opener.</p>
<p>Thank you for all the conversation generated here about such a personal subject.</p>
<p>Alexz - sorry. This thread devolved into something angry and unpleasant, maybe even embarrassing. It makes you wonder whether these same parents aren’t modeling trigger tempers and judgmental attitudes to their kids.</p>
<p>That was awesome! Thank you for your insights.</p>