Parents - can I have your opinion on my college struggles?

Parents Forum
21

<p>One other thing I thought of - it might be best to get a counselor off campus for practical reasons. I don't know how your school works, but I know at many places if you tell a school-affiliated counselor that you are having suicidal thoughts, they will require you to withdraw from school for a while.</p>

<p>Now, as I said in my first post, taking some time off may indeed be best for you. But if you want to ensure that you make that decision on your own terms, it would probably be smarter to see someone outside of school. Your current counselor could probably recommend someone.</p>

22

<p>I think you've gotten some good advice, Jake. However, I agree with badgolfer. Usually the poster in these threads isn't willing to follow the advice. </p>

<p>Hoping you are the exception, here are a couple of additional ideas. </p>

<p>Be an audience. On every college campus, there are people doing things that have trouble attracting an audience. Go to a JV soccer or lacrosse game, a club team rugby match, a play (if drama isn't "hot" at your school), a string quartet performance, a political debate, a modern dance performance. Do not be afraid to admit you know very little. Most people love to talk about what interests them. On the flipside, if you know a lot about a sport, go to a similar event and explain things. You will almost always overhear someone ask "Why did the ref blow the whistle or "why is that flag down?" or "gee that vault looked better to me, why did it get a lower score?" Take the part of the one who asks or the one who answers--both can lead to conversations. </p>

<p>If possible, compliment the people you watched later. Read the campus paper. Anyone with a by-line in a class with you or living in your dorm? SAy --hey "great article about the ___game!" Or loved that action photo you got! Anyone DJ for the campus radio or TV show? Same thing--hey, I listened to your show the other night. </p>

<p>This usually doesn't work if you are talking to the quarterback of a top 10 college football game or the star of a drama at a school where every play is sold out. But there are a lot of people in college who look out and see empty seats or the equivalent and, believe me, they are GRATEFUL that someone came to see them perform or read the campus literary or humor magazine, whatever. If you actually end up ENJOYING yourself, you might want to go back for future performances.</p>

<p>Second, go to the public events, dorm parties, etc....even if these are seen as "for frosh only." Go early. It's easier to start talking to people when there are half a dozen standing there than after there are lots of people. If things aren't quite organized yet, ask if there's anything you can do to help--in a voice that makes it clear you are sincere. Stay for clean up. I have trouble making small talk with people, but belong to a church. I've found that staying after to help clean up is a really good way to meet people. I've sat through a social event saying not a word to anyone and feeling like a fish out of water, and then had a really good time during clean up! And, of course, at the next event for the same church, I knew people and had a much better time. </p>

<p>As others have said, community service is a great way to meet people. Almost every college campus has "one day" type opportunities--Habitat for Humanity, helping with a carnival to raise money for some cause, helping out at Special Olympics, etc. So, it's often possible to go once and not make a serious time commitment. </p>

<p>If you are a guy and comfortable with doing so, sign up for the campus escort service. Better yet, whether your or male or female, take a class to be a EMT. Again, this depends upon your personality.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

23

<p>As a formerly super-shy person, I'm going to offer some different advice here.</p>

<p>Don't show up at parties or gatherings where you don't know anyone. That sounds too hard as a first step, especially if you are already feeling down and are shy and are aware that you need to develop skills such as how to start conversations, how to make friends, etc. Believe it or not, these are actually skills. Once in a while, you'll meet someone who has never, ever thought about how to do these things because they are just naturally fluid with people or naturally outgoing or whatever.</p>

<p>A lot of people need to learn these skills. Many times there are workshops senior year on "how to interview" or "how to network within your industry." Rarely are there workshops for shy people on "how to make friends 101" or "how to build a life for yourself." But guess what! There are books and recordings on this very subject. They can be very helpful and go into a lot of specific information about ways to start and end a conversation, how to sustain a conversation, and how to select someone at a party to approach who might be receptive to you. In some ways, it's easier as an adult... at almost any gathering, I can approach someone with my hand extended and introduce myself, and feel confident that I'll at least get a courteous response and a bit of conversation even if we don't hit it off. It's just professional/mature adult behavior. However with students, there are many more subtle nuances regarding eye contact and how to encourage or discourage a guy who wants to start a conversation with you. Those nuances disappear at, for instance, PTA night at the local elementary school where the focus is on the kids. So, step 1, get yourself a couple of books in this category and see if they help. I found recordings to be helpful because one's tone of voice and inflection when meeting someone make a difference. I think the most helpful category to me was books with tips on how to navigate cocktail parties or business functions where I wouldn't know anyone so really had to force myself to work the room. Many of these techniques transfer to the college and high school environments and would have been SO helpful to me at the time.</p>

<p>Step 2: practice. Make little comments to the cashier, the professor, the person sitting next to you in class, the person entering the room next to you. "Wow, can you believe that rainstorm? I'm soaked!" Anything. "Can you tell me what time it is?" It doesn't matter. The concept is to make yourself initiate an interaction in which very little is required of the other person, just for practice. If you are very, very shy, approach friendly looking mom-type people with little kids who are likely to respond with warmth. Then work your way up as your comfort level increases. Probably hot girls and alpha male-type guys will be the most difficult to approach. You sound like a dedicated student. Pick one professor, or more, and make an appointment to meet to discuss the course. Make up a question, even if you know the answer. Pick someone who you feel has a personality that offers some possibility of the ability to have a talk with you, not someone brusque or clinical or full of themselves.</p>

<p>Step 3: Go to Amazon and search for books about highly sensitive people. Is this you? If so, these books will really help, especially if combined with the how-to-approach-people books.</p>

<p>Step 4: Look for a service-oriented organization on campus such as Habitat for Humanity or some group with a hands-on project. Go to a couple of meetings and sign up for a project. It will be much easier to interact with a tool in your hand and an assignment. </p>

<p>Step 5: Let your parents know that you are actively trying to develop your social skills and to make friends. You can do this by offering, "Hey, I went to a meeting of the Habitat for Humanity group last night. They are working on a house next weekend and I signed up to help out. I'm hoping to meet some new people there." There is no shame in this, in fact, they may be aware that you seem lonely but felt uncomfortable approaching you about it. Probably they are aware that you are very dedicated to your studies and would love to hear that you are looking for some fun and new things to do. They may have good suggestions for you, and also down the line if you inform them of your unhappiness they will probably wish they'd been aware of it sooner. Not that you have academic performance issues, but for instance, many kids who flunk out don't express concern to their parents beforehand, thinking they can just deal with it or don't want to worry their parents, and then the parents are completely shocked when they get the news. Not a perfect analogy, but my point is not to keep them in the dark.</p>

<p>Step 6: Do not get involved in tutoring, or cleaning up at events. Tutoring is very one-on-one and time consuming, and cleaning up at events is not a good place to put your energies initially. I could totally see how in a church setting how that could work, especially week after week as you become friends with everyone, but in a campus setting it could just be depressing to see the crowd take off for the next phase of the evening, leaving you with a mess to clean up. I think you'd be happier being one of the people heading off to the afterparty with a group of new friends rather than one of the ones left behind. The ideal way to get involved would be for events or meetings that happen weekly, not just one-night-stand type events, so you could develop relationships over time and build on the momentum and continuity. If you decide to take a part-time job, a better type of job for someone who is trying to overcome shyness is to sit at a reception desk or info desk in the student center, library, or sports facility. You will be greeting people and providing information and helping them, and they will be grateful that you pointed them in the right direction. That is esteeming. </p>

<p>Step 7: Make a list of every interest you have, and make another list of everything you want to be. Do you want to be joyful, authentic, engaged, busy, peaceful, energetic? Really analyze these lists to find the top 5 of each. Then look for overlap and synergy. What organizations at school are related to your interests? Has anyone helped you to consider this before?</p>

<p>Step 8: What are you doing at meals? Are you eating alone or sitting at the same table for each meal. Are you getting food then carrying it out to eat by yourself? Take a look at this and consider your options. Some organizations meet at mealtimes- check them out. Some meet prior to mealtimes and then some of the people eat together afterwards. Analyze this. The idea is to balance exploring your areas of interest with the resources available, then maximize and leverage.</p>

<p>Step 9: Extra stuff. Want to meet women? Sign up for an evening jewelry making class, or -yes- ballroom or square dancing. Often times, dance classes are not well attended by men and you would be a welcome participant just by showing up. If you are very shy, you might prefer square dancing initially, which might not make you feel as self-conscious.</p>

<p>Step 10: Just do it. Your life could be dramatically different in one month. It will take effort and a little more effort, but if you want to make friends you will need to put yourself out there, just a little at first.</p>

<p>Step 11: Look at your patterns: video game overuse? self-isolating in the library or dorm room? exercise? body language and eye contact? Are you making yourself available? Does your body language convey an interest in being open to being approached, or is your body language "closed?" What do you want to change?</p>

<p>Step 12: What is your path from coursework to career? Do you have a career in mind? Look at your natural skill set and figure out the skills you will need to add. Will you need internships or certain skills such as public speaking? This might be a good time to develop those skills. </p>

<p>This is going to be a gradual transition. Start small, and keep at it. Hope some of this helps. Not sure which might apply since we don't know you personally. Please ask questions or elaborate and let us know how things are going.</p>

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<p>speckledegg, what a thoughtful post.</p>

<p>Depending on the geographic location, the OP might consider volunteering with an organization like the Red Cross. The Red Cross provides a lot of useful training for their volunteers in many different areas of disaster relief (not just first aid), often in informal classroom settings which could be a safe place to practice those interpersonal skills. And if you volunteer during a disaster, you are so busy helping people you don't have time to dwell on shyness. You just jump in, use your training and do what needs to be done, including communicating with fellow volunteers and with the people who need help. As an added bonus, people are so grateful for the help, you are instantly rewarded for stepping out of your comfort zone. I too am a generally shy person and speak from experience.</p>

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<p>Jake85, just thinking... maybe the tutoring would be a good option for you. </p>

<p>And you're right, people at club meetings probably do know each other a little bit, if they've been attending for a while. For that reason, maybe you'd be more comfortable starting out at the beginning of something, such as a 4-week mini course (craft? sport? cooking?) where everyone starts at the same time and gets to know each other and learns together.</p>

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<p>just to add (I am a therapist) that it is OK to tell your counselor that you would like to try some sessions with someone new. We really do understand that we are not always the right match for every person that walks in the door AND we really do want you to find that counselor that works for you. It is not an insult at all. Just be polite and clear and it will be just fine. Hope things go well for you.</p>

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<p>Jake85,
You have received excellent advice on this thread and I don't have anything to add, except to say you are not alone. My son is also a second-semester sophomore in a large state school and is in an identical situation. He is very shy and lonely. And of course, we have suggested many of the same ideas as the posters on this thread. He has been able to maintain a work-out schedule and the exercise has alleviated some of the sadness.</p>

<p>I hope you will pursue some of the suggestions. Take some small steps and come back on the thread and let us know how you are doing. Everyone on this forum really cares.</p>

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<p>Wow Jake----your post took me back more years than I care to admit to. I too was super shy and tried to bury my lonliness in too much school work. There are some great suggestions listed above. What really helped me when I was in my last quarter as a freshman was volunteering. I volunteered to assist blind graduate students with research in the library. I liked it, because (a) I was SO shy I could barely look a stranger in the eyes(blind people--no problem there!) and (b) it was a one on one help situation (I instantly made a good friend). I have been volunteering ever since and I am now the least shy person you would ever want to meet. You sound like a geniunely good person.
Spread it around---there are thousands of people who need you and want to meet someone just like you.</p>

29

<p>You got a lot of great suggestions here.....I just wanted to say that you are not alone. Many college kids feel shy and lonely and feel as though they don't fit in. I felt like that at my first college so I transferred. I ended up finding the right fit the second time and it helped me come out of my shell.</p>

<p>Definitely let your family support you though this. By keeping them uninformed you are losing out on the help they can provide. If you have a warm and understanding family let them be there for you at this time.</p>

<p>Do things you enjoy! </p>

<p>Make a list of things you want to do and just do one thing today.</p>

<p>Take baby steps and don't be hard on yourself. I know it looks like everyone else is fine and having the time of their lives but this is not true. Others feel as you do...they may hide their feelings or be less noticable.</p>

<p>If you continue to feel really bad despite taking the advice on this forum consider transferring to a school closer to home or to a more nurturing school environment. You can also take some time off if you need it.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

30

<p>If you are feeling suicidal at times, you need to get help from someone who can evaluate your situation more thoroughly. Don't worry about hurting your counselor's feelings! This is about you. But don't "fire" your counselor without having someone else on board. Your counselor may be able and willing to help you take the next step.</p>

<p>I like the idea of getting a job that involves working with others. I'm not sure that tutoring would be a good choice since it's one-to-one in a non-equal sort of relationship. As for clubs, I'd suggest doing some service work with a group, where everyone has to work together to get the task done. In your case a task-oriented situation takes away the open-ended socializing that you have trouble with. (By the way, you are not alone in that problem.)</p>

<p>And yes, share with your family. Let them know how you are doing.</p>

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<p>Jake,
Last week, my son (see post#27) worked up the courage to invite a classmate to Starbucks via email and he actually did it! He called us up; he was so excited and happy that he had some coffee with a classmate. So take some baby steps, Jake! You can do it!</p>