<p>Yes, it’s a great book. I gave several to friends stuck in the parentshelpingtheparents situation.</p>
<p>Oops, sorry for the dupe.</p>
<p>I had several of those this afternoon. CC was having an issue.</p>
<p>So…my 88 year old mother (who as you may recall got her side view mirror knocked off by jamming into a column at a drive through bank) finally got her car repaired and that night got a letter to go in for retesting at the drivers facility. (She keeps claiming she has no idea why; brother says it’s because the police got a good look at all the dings and dents on her car). </p>
<p>She went in for testing Tuesday - passed the written test (which she was worried about) but failed the driving test (which she was not worried about because the facility is half a mile from her condo and the test route is where she drives all the time). Turns out to her great surprise that you are actually supposed to come to a complete stop on right turn on red instead of letting your wheels slowly roll. 
Who comes to a complete stop, she asks me over and over. Uh, I do, Mom. </p>
<p>So now she still has her license but was told to wait for a letter from the state. I only fear they will give her the chance to retest (it took her three tries to pass on her birthday renewal in April). </p>
<p>Marilyn - must make you wild. How many chances should someone have?</p>
<p>Mother of dear friend drove for the last time after making a left turn on red with my friend in the car and in response to her son’s horror declared left on red is legal in her state. </p>
<p>Oh My! Prayers that families can ‘retire’ the drivers that need to retire, hopefully with the help of their state DMV.</p>
<p>Even capable drivers are driving crazy with the holiday shopping and stresses…had to avoid several near collisions the other day!</p>
<p>Left on red is legal in many areas, from a one-way to a one-way. And yes after a full stop.</p>
<p>Now I see this:
According to a 2003 pamphlet issued by AAA, the following locations prohibit a left turn on red:
Connecticut
Missouri
North Carolina
Rhode Island
Vermont
New York City</p>
<p>Lookingforward- absolutely true. Just highly problematic when all roads are two way. </p>
<p>Even tough it is legal to make a left turn on red it makes me really nervous and I don’t do it. I was almost hit by a driver in a hurry this week and also a driver going the wrong way on a one way street. </p>
<p>Marilyn, I feel for you. I was glad my mom had to be retested and failed. Didn’t stop her driving as I said, she lied and said she had a temporary permit.</p>
<p>I am trying not to vent to DH, he never could stand my mom (fairly enough actually) . But I just want to whine. /background/
Mom always lied to get her way, always has, guess she always will although I had thought lately that she was too forgetful to remember how to try it. Several times in the past, when I have had a trip planned she “got sick” checked herself into the hospital with chest pains. Nothing (in the past 10 years) was ever found (she has been great since a heart attack, stent and pace maker). Two years ago DH and I were planning to leave on a trip. AL calls me, says Mom is having heart pains, blah blah blah, I called the ER doctor and said do NOT do an angiogram. I really don’t think there is anything wrong with her if you don’t see blood work or a wonky EKG. So they patted her on the head and sent her back to AL and I went on vacation and didn’t really feel TOO terribly guilty. DH was glad that “for once!” I didn’t fall for it and go rushing up (400 miles) to visit and hold her hand in the hospital (the one other time I didn’t, she actually had a blood clot in her lung and almost died.
I do have some (smal) residual guilt that she is going to be in the AL place at Christmas, but my brother will be there this week and I’ll go up after. My DH and kids are going skiing. Mom knows we are going traveling, although she seems to forget where. //end background/</p>
<p>So Mom today in our daily call says she is sick, has a fever, the people are not able to take care of her, but don’t worry about her, nothing to do but get well. Don’t let it stop my trip. She didn’t mention yesterday that she was sick. I do call every day. She decided on her own to stop wearing the panic button pendant a while ago because she never needs it. The place wasn’t insisting on it or checking and I let that battle pass. But I decided to call the staff and find out how bad a fever and tell them she should put it on if she is sick because she might need help in the night. The staff said she was cheerful and dressed at breakfast. They would double check the fever thing and get her pendant on. </p>
<p>So I am sad that she a) still is able to lie b) still wants to manipulate me and c) well just sad she is who she is even though I KNOW that.<br>
…end whine.</p>
<p>Hoping everyone with these challenges gives themselves a break at Christmas. We need to be good to ourselves in order to be able to be good to allthe others in our lives. One person does not have the right to take us away from the other parts of our family. I personally, am at peace with my choice of where Mom is right now; I know it is the best thing for everyone … but I can still feel sad for her. Sad that I can fix it because it isn’t fixable. </p>
<p>I don’t have the right words. But, sometimes, there are things they do that we just can’t influence. Best wishes, eso- and to all who deal with this. </p>
<p>Escobay , you’re doing the best you can.</p>
<p>Exactly Eso, it’s ‘not fixable.’<br>
So you must do what it best for you and your family. It is not fair to your family to do otherwise.</p>
<p>Esobay, sounds like time to watch a little more Everybody Loves Raymond to see Marie in action and be reminded that some manipulators believe their lies…don’t fall for it!</p>
<p>eso - I get it. I just told my sister yesterday that my mom plays “chicken” with her. Meaning she would rather be miserable and not do for herself to the point she’ll know my sister or one of us will step in. </p>
<p>I have mini therapy sessions with my sister all the time. I hope you do have someone you can talk about it to if your hubby has had his fill. My latest thing with my sister - I told her yesterday, you are not responsible to be mom’s entertainment committee. And what my mom does is not a reflection of her - or the rest of us.</p>
<p>Case in point - mom hardly gets out of her pajamas at all anymore. She moves in a month to a beautiful assisted living with a dining room and all the facilities. I say, let the staff let her know she can’t be wandering the halls in her pajamas. Let’s not spend a second concerned about it. </p>
<p>Oh eso, it is so frustrating when our parents manipulate us.
Any thought to not sharing that you are travelling, and simply continuing to call daily as you always have? </p>
<p>Eso- so hard, even when we know there’s no way to change it. Good to check with staff and not alter plans. </p>
<p>Eyemamom-your sister is lucky to have you. Very hard to keep perspective in these situations. In my experience, you are spot on that wandering around in PJs won’t fly at AL and either your mother will deduce that or the staff will address it. Great to share the dilemmas with professionals. It can neutralize things to be able to shrug and say “that’s just how it’s done there”, without a lot of self blame, anger or angst. It also helps to know there are others around to assess and tend her needs. </p>
<p>I have been laid up for much of this year and unable to visit my father with dementia weekly as was our routine. Very grateful for the peace of mind his care facility provides. I hope your family can also enjoy the relief of others looking out for your mother day to day. It takes a bit of transition, yet can make all the difference.</p>
<p>My solution for the pj wearing parent would be to purchase a few of those sweat pants with matching nice sweatshirts outfits. They’re just as comfy as pj’s but socially acceptable to wear in the day time. Stuff like this: <a href=“http://togshop.blair.com/t/apparel/activewear/tops/pc/107/c/133/134.uts”>http://togshop.blair.com/t/apparel/activewear/tops/pc/107/c/133/134.uts</a> Works for my Mom anyway. Before I started getting these kinds of clothes she wore 20 year old hoodies with jeans. </p>
<p>My Mom has another problem - horrible thick toenails that she’s finding impossible to cut. I can hardly look at them and I know they must be uncomfortable. Is that something a podiatrist does? I know she wouldn’t want an examination, just the nails cut. </p>
<p>Podiatrists cut nails for elderly people. Sounds like a call to a podiatrist is in order.</p>
<p>I am pretty sure that toenail cutting is covered by Medicare.</p>