<p>Podiatrists do cut toenails, but Medicare only covers it for diabetics. My mother’s podiatrist charges $45 to do it.</p>
<p>I’d be interested in hearing how responsible you all feel for the entertainment of your parents? How often do you call them? How often do you have them over? If you live nearby how often do you run errands for them, or just go and visit or take out somewhere? This is beyond any medical needs. Like if they wanted a particular loaf of bread or felt like something particular for dinner - would you drop what you were doing and run out and do it? Do you arrange people to go visit them? Do you keep track of how often your siblings call and visit and remind them to call/visit more?</p>
<p>Hard question eyemamom as there are so many factors that go into those kinds of decisions. How isolated is the parent? Can they actually do (fill in the blank) but are just being lazy or are they physically unable? Is that a medical issue? Is this a need or a want? How does your parent respond to your help - with appreciation or something less than? </p>
<p>I try to do whatever my parents ask of me but there are times when I say no. That said, my parents are in reasonably good health, they both drive and they live 2 houses up from me so they are easy to care for. For the most part, their requests are reasonable. My mom occasionally asks for too much (I’ll usually discuss this with my brother who is also nearby) and I will say no. Good boundaries are essential in all relationships but it can be quite challenging to know where to erect them. </p>
<p>Oh my gosh, eyeamom, this one kills me. My mother lives with us, so yes, we cook her dinner any time she gets a real dinner, she will eat cheese & crackers or yogurt or maybe an egg. We do her shopping so I endeavor to always keep her food cravings satisfied.
I would not drop everything to indulge a whim, but I do try to think ahead and address all those needs & wishes.
The thing that drives me crazy is that I know she is bored, she watches a ton of TV, she plays some computer games, I check out library books for her and she is becoming a reader, she never was before. She makes absolutely no efforts to entertain herself in the big picture, she won’t go do anything, no senior center etc. She does not write to any old friends, she does not call anyone. I feel guilty like I should do more, but then I also think she should make any effort.
As to my siblings, life become much better when I consciously acknowledged that her care is 27/7/365 100% on me, now I view anything they do as an extra.
The first year I bugged all three to do more & call more. One sister still calls her near weekly and never needed any bugging. One sibling tried to call, but “never has anything to say” and one sibling lives nearby, but rarely sees her. For ages I was unhappy with that sister then found out that it is just as much my mother as my sister. My sister would make dates and Mom would cancel. But I would say they see each other less than once a month, maybe less than every other month, maybe 3-6 times a year, and she is 20 minutes away.</p>
<p>I’m about 4.5 hrs from my mom. I believe the expectation is that I should be there way more than I am, which is once a month, except they came here for Thanksgiving. I won’t be up in December, but my daughter is going up this week to stay there. My mom likes to be waited on. She wants everyone to drop everything and essentially come sit with her, and serve her. I get she now feels a bit cooped up, and I’m wrestling with what is my responsibility in this relationship. She has aides 6 days a week, friends stop by all the time, and I swear her part time job is doctors visits. It’s not like she’s alone staring at a wall. It is a revolving door at her place. And I know she misses me and always misses me. The second I leave she misses me again. I try and put myself in her shoes, but I would have made such different life choices it’s hard to imagine I would let things get like this for myself. </p>
<p>I feel like this is my first year with the kids gone that I get to get back to who I am. I “get” to work more at the hours I want, I go out more, I travel more, and hubby and I are getting back to our relationship which isn’t such hands on parenting. But it’s always in the back of my mind that I should want to go up there to visit more than I do. I really don’t want to go. But I also know my wants aren’t necessarily the right thing either. </p>
<p>Regarding the thick, icky toenails. In my mom’s area there are several podiatry offices that offer pedicure type services. These are not medical visits, but more like a spa treatment. The staff members that do the pedicures are trained by the podiatrist, and the hygiene standards are impeccable. </p>
<p>Before the first appointment, a quick exam by a PA or NP was required to make sure her feet were OK to have the pedicure. After that, she was able to book directly with the pedicure staff, just like making a salon appointment. The cost is in line with high end spas in the area and is not covered by insurance unless there is an underlying covered condition. </p>
<p>The place she goes is very aware of mobility issues, so there is no stepping up into an elevated chair, or balancing on one wet foot required - lol. They have a nice whirlpool foot bath, too. She leaves feeling pampered and her feet are much healthier now. Worth every penny. </p>
<p>Dear friends, I thought some of you might like to know that my mother passed away in her sleep on Wednesday, December 10, at 6:15 pm. The MD called me immediately. The MD said she was drowsy all day Wednesday but went to all her meals, had an early dinner and got into bed; the MD thinks she had a mild heart attack.</p>
<p>Only the day before, DD1 and I went down and had lunch with her and sat for over an hour until a student nurse took her for physical therapy. The MD asked to speak with me, and asked what I thought about signing a permission for palliative care. I did. The MD said her life expectancy was so hard to tell, but she expected my mother to be gone within six months.</p>
<p>She did recognize DD1 and me, and did “get it” when I told her that DD2 was playing her piano, which delighted her. She was not in pain but was incredibly weak, and it was staggering to observe a mind become completely shattered in six months. She could sometimes “grasp” at thoughts, and something things got through, but mostly her speech was nonsense phrases. But oddly, and I think it was a good thing because it showed she was still animated and interested in participating in life, she talked on and on. She had become an utterly a different person between June and December. On October 28, she was actually admitted to Assisted Living. That how astonishingly fast her decline was. </p>
<p>I did follow the advice I heard here and visited her quite often in the nursing home, about three times a week. I found the best thing to do was drop the girls at school and head down to the nursing home which was about 40 minutes away. I got there just in time for breakfast when she was at her best. I would stay about an hour and then talk to the Head Nurse on her unit.</p>
<p>Her funeral is tomorrow at 10 am; one of her cousins will have her son drive her here, but otherwise the guests will be my girlfriends made through the China adoption network. In a day or two I will go through her address book and call everybody who knew her.</p>
<p>I intensely cleaned the parts of the house that will be for the guests tomorrow. and propped about 30 of her paintings on end tables, radiator covers, window sills, and covered the dining room table with paintings and photos. We will have catered small sandwiches after the service and burial. </p>
<p>I was very moved to see how beautiful her artwork was, especially the work she did in her 30s and 40s. Imagine illustrations in a children’s book. That was what her early work was like. Every year she painted her own Christmas card; I photographed it and we took it to the printers. She was so proud of those cards. I have many of them on display. </p>
<p>Each of my three girls will do a reading during the service. My mother wrote her own eulogy which I will read before the service, but start with a few words of my own. I want to say we are here to celebrate her life and rejoice that she is reunited with her husband who was always her true love, her grandson, and our Poodle Ginseng, because last week the Pope told an audience words to the effect that “all God’s creatures go to heaven.”</p>
<p>It is amazing and, I must say, a great relief to feel the “separateness” now because now, without the struggling connection, I can truly appreciate my mother and her gifts. She was a fighter. For about the first two days I felt a profound sadness to think of what it must feel like to be so old, helpless, and close to death. It just felt so very sad.</p>
<p>Good luck to everyone, and God bless you.</p>
<p>((dharma)) My heartfelt condolences to you, I’ve been thinking of you and praying for you and your mom. Funerals are exhausting, but you will get through it. You may actually enjoy getting to see people you haven’t seen in a while. You did well by your mother, better to her than I fear she was to you. I pray you can move forward knowing that in the end, she was well cared for, she was as content as she could be in her situation.</p>
<p>I hope your sister is coming out for you.</p>
<p>Peace to you dharma…</p>
<p>Dharma- wishing you strength and comfort as you grieve. Your mother was lucky to have your support and may there be a peace in knowing you did all you could for her. I wish you and your family the best. </p>
<p>My condolences to you, dharma. Like many of us, you had a difficult journey as your mother’s health deteriorated. I hope you can find some peace soon.</p>
<p>Bless you, Dharma. Wishing you strength and peace through the service, and well-deserved rest afterwards.</p>
<p>Thinking of you Dharma.<br>
xo</p>
<p>Sorry for your loss. Did not know a person with a pacemaker could die of a mild heart attack. </p>
<p>Thank you for the update (I had been thinking about you), and I am so sorry for your loss, Dharma. It is good that she was chatty and you were able to hear her stories in the end. Hugs to you.</p>
<p>Hugs to you Dharma. You did your very best to take care of your mom over these last several months. Peace be with you.</p>
<p>Dharma, my sincere condolences. May you take comfort in knowing how hard you tried to make her last days happy and how glad you must be that you were able to visit. Hoping that the estate is not difficult.
Thank you for letting us know.</p>
<p>Eyeamom, yes,
but that isn’t our fault and is beyond our abiity to fix. So we just accept that sometimes people have to be sad.</p>
<p>I’m thinking of you, Dharma, and I’m very glad you were able to visit her this past month in a way that worked for you. Good that you can look at her art and have that as a good memory. You went through a lot these past six months. Take care.</p>
<p>Dharma,
I am so sorry for the loss of your Mother. You took such good care of her; I’m sure she knew that and was appreciative in her own way. Now it’s time for you to take care of yourself. I hope you find some peace during the difficult days ahead. </p>
<p>Sorry for your loss but glad you and your D were able to spend some nice time with her and that she went peacefully. </p>
<p>So sorry for your loss Dharma.</p>