I woke up this morning knowing that even if my mom is making this difficult, doesn’t appreciate it and thinks we’re sticking her away, that we are doing right by her. This is the best case scenario and she will get used to it, and eventually I hope come to really enjoy it there. My dad passed years ago - I know in my heart that he is proud of us for doing what’s right for her. I will never be thanked, it will never be appreciated, but I can sit here today, pat myself on the back and say well done. Her stubbornness has been a lifetime problem for her and I wasn’t about to continue letting that keep her situation that was bordering on dangerous. I’m just so dang excited for her. I can only hope my kids love me enough to ‘stick’ me in such a facility. I don’t know how you go through life never planning and assuming things will just work out.
Good efforts, eyemamom. And my brother and I agreed we hope we get a place as good as where my GM lived (including great food.)
@eyemamom, thanks for post #5460. I’m going to bookmark it for DH and his sibs, this will be them with FIL before too long.
Checking in to read everyone’s sagas. I look around at all the “stuff” DH and I have and hope we don’t cause a lot of trouble for our offspring! We still have a lot of HIS parents’ stuff that he is supposed to go through and save just a few photos etc.
I thought I had early onset Alzheimer’s last week when I couldn’t find some paperwork I was supposed to scan and file. Looked EVERYWHERE and concluded I had probably thrown it away in a moment of brain death. Well, it turned up in son’s room when he was packing to go back to school. The scanner is in his room…and to him it was just paper… rolleyes
Be well, everyone, and stay warm and safe as you go about your travels & travails.
Edit: Found out that a couple just a few years older than DH and I have moved into a retirement home. Whut?
We just went to a friend’s party - they had no kids and tons of collectibles throughout the home. I am talking 5 glass cabinets full of Precious Moments, 5 glass cabinets full of _____, etc, etc. etc. Beautiful home with tons of stuff. A room just with lots of musical instruments. It is like they spent all these years building up all these things. My ‘junk’ is small in comparison. So when DH complains, he has visually seen something 25 times more than we are dealing with! After the kids set up their apts and decide what they want and don’t want, we can get rid of some stuff - just don’t want them buying stuff ‘twice’ - like stuff that we have extra.
@momannoyed when I misplace stuff, I have ‘chemo brain’ to blame it on. I certainly hope I do not have dementia (my mother passed from that at age 77). Honestly though the chemo brain is only noticeable about recalling things that I normally would have recalled - then it is like ‘oh yeah, I knew that’. All we can do is try to keep our aging brain sharp.
DH also doesn’t deal with insurance, taxes, etc. All that paperwork.
DH sometimes complains about working and not being ‘retired’, but he actually has a very good routine. Stable work that he is very capable. Pushing to work until 65 or 67 - really a financial and insurance necessity.
Last night DH was looking for his warm slippers. We looked at the obvious places. He had set them on the bed (and it blended in with the extra afghan on the bed - due to the extra cold weather).
It is aggravating when one is looking for a document that you had your hands on…
Don’t worry. Occasionally forgetting where you put something isn’t Alzheimers. 
http://www.cleveland.com/healthfit/index.ssf/2011/04/how_to_tell_alzheimers_disease.html
Okay, now I’m going to have to go slap my mom’s aide. The woman is seriously overstepping her boundaries. My mom called me today in a panic and asked if I would speak to the aide. This woman then gave me the rundown about how ‘they’ think mom can’t afford the place, can’t afford the aides, how she lives in low income senior place 40 minutes away, and if mom decides not to do this…whoa!! woman!! STFU and step away. Why am I explaining to an AIDE why the family came to this decision??? I even said - this really is none of your concern. But if my mom is asking for reassurances, please let her know the place assessed her finances and they approved her…without a guarantor. And then she started telling me about the fees with everything… I was like listen lady…are you under the illusion that I am not aware of this? Do you think the 4 of us siblings would do something to put her in jeopardy? I was steaming mad. However, she then calmed down and got my mom to listen to her. I was like… aide, I’ve told this to mom many times. She’s just nervous, but in the future “I” have these conversations with her, not with your intervention. Then she tries to tell me what my mom is like… again… aide…she has been my mom for 48 years, I know her. I’m not some distant uninvolved child. yikes…
Sounds like the aide might be a bad person to be around your mom right now, especially if your mom could be prone to second thoughts. Any chance of hiring another aide that wouldn’t run on at the mouth and scare mom? Sorry you’re having to deal with this.
The fact that she had your mom in a panic would be enough all by itself for me to fire her, or ask the agency to replace her immediately (sorry, I can’t remember the arrangement). What business does she have frightening an elderly lady like that? She should have brought her concerns to you in the first place, and you do not owe her one word of explanation.
Is there any chance this is about either the aide’s attachment to your mother or concern for loss of her employment with her when she moves?
Whatever the source, your frustration is understandable. As you say, the lack of boundaries is unprofessional and clearly distressing your mother. I have seen caregivers get very attached to their charges and more rarely, almost competitive with family members. You want them to care for and about your relative; for some the lines aren’t so well-drawn. Very aggravating and if an agency is involved, perhaps an alternative person could be sent. Sometimes this is a matter of inexperience and a need for training; if I were running an agency, I’d want to know about this so education could be provided to staff and assess the particular employee.
Hope things can progress more smoothly with the move so imminent.
Agree, aide overstepped professional boundaries. Double that since your mother is vulnerable.
I just need to get this move done! My sister walked over to the ccrc and spoke to the director of the place and the nursing director. She also said she was worried because both aides have already been talking about looking forward to using the gym, eating in the dining room, and all the fun they’ll all have. The one aide I talked to yesterday is a VERY strong, outgoing personality, and is 74 herself. The concern is that mom needs to make the friends and connections, not the aides. We’re not paying for the aides to have a fine time. The directors both said, they saw this happen years ago and aides are not allowed to use the facilities, period. My mom was a girl scout leader years ago and her co-leader is living there now. She’s been assigned to be mom’s buddy. That way she’ll have someone to eat with to help smooth the way and look out for her. Family can eat with her, aides cannot.
I’m now seeing how much aides can take over situations and have a lot of control. What I’m thinking is that what the aides do for the most part - laundry, cleaning, preparing her food and keeping her company is what this place does. They are requiring she keep aides for about a month for everyone to see how mom acclimates and how much she needs. I’m hoping mom can cut down the aides to maybe once or twice a week, to do her laundry, oversee the bathing if necessary and run errands. Right now neither aide even has a working car - they’re making the to do lists for my sister who then goes out grocery shopping and to the pharmacy, etc. while they sit there and watch movies on the couch with my mom - for $23/hr.
eyemamom, is that how much you pay an agency? If it is, the aides are getting a very small portion of that $23/hour.
What is a little confusing to me is that my mom pays the aides that money directly. I don’t know how it works from the agency perspective. I don’t know how they get their money. I know the aides don’t get that much, but it is what my mom is paying, which to her is a lot of money. I’m a little removed from the process. We just need to get this move done and get her settled in, then it can be decided if she should switch around the aides or cut down on how much they are there with her. Actually, we don’t get to decide - the place where she’s moving decides.
And thank goodness for the ccrc, all along I’ve been saying to have mom go hang out at my sisters house the day of the move. It’s upsetting and overwhelming and confusing to her. My two sisters wanted her to say what she wanted to bring and where she wanted things to go. I had my sister ask at the facility what they recommended and they backed me up. So as soon as the movers show up, sister will come get mom and bring her back to the new place once we’re moved and unpacked. Mom is literally moving to the building next door. I don’t think they’ll even use a truck, they can just walk out one door and into the other.
Now I need to figure out how to display her tea cups and crystal. She has a beautiful breakfront of china and crystal and while she knows she can’t take it all, she wants to still keep a few things that mean something to her.
$23/hr is not a huge amount if she’s not paying them benefits or taxes.
Quick question. It’s been a very long time since I stopped in here because I’m spending so much time dealing with my mom’s health issues and try not to think about it when I have free time. She is in a memory care section of a continuing care community about 3 hours away. Most things are great, engaging activities and healthy meals. The consistent problem is that they don’t deal promptly with health concerns. A nurse called me Saturday to say my mom’s leg was swelling and she should go to urgent care. She had recovered from severe bacterial infection in the same leg a few months ago that required hospitalization because they didn’t treat it promptly. This time they had to wait until Monday to arrange a visit to urgent care because they have no driver on the weekend. I called the director of the place and she confirmed, only chance for medical care on the weekend is if they call an ambulance. Is this typical for assisted care? What experience to others have with health care in assisted living?
This is unacceptable. I don’t know what the answer is, but it’s unacceptable that a patient needs to be seen by a doctor that day, but is not seen by a doctor.
This situation reminds me of when I would get angry with my child’s teachers. You don’t want to alienate the people who are providing an important service for your loved one, but at some point it’s necessary to speak up. The nurses do send faxes to an on-call doctor, but that person usually says either “send to urgent care” or “send to ER”. I guess the residents who are not dementia patients can always call a cab, but my mom is completely dependent. I suspect I’ll need to contract a caregiver agency so I can call them to bring her in. Exactly what I’d hoped we would avoid by putting her in residential care.
The doctor says “send to urgent care” but then the facility doesn’t send the person to urgent care? The facility has a dementia patient who needs to be seen by a doctor, but they do not take the person to the doctor? You should be outraged.
Momsquad- was there a reason to not call an ambulance? Swelling can be a blood clot, among other things. Were they worried that Medicare could deny the ambulance claim?
If there is no one local to her for such medical trips, establishing a relationship with a local driver/care attendant could be very worthwhile. Many care facilities keep a list of known options for this. I live near my father’s place, but kept the list in case I was away and something came up. Just a thought for the future.
I hope she is doing well.