I would bring my daughter or son with me and “visit” with my aunt. While they kept her occupied, making tea, serving cookies, sitting on the porch, etc. I worked to fill large garbage bags with things to donate, things to throw away and would run out the front door and hide them in my car. One day while I was there alone, I thought that I could just put things in the trash. The next time I went over, I found things that I put in the trash were back in her house. I still remember the huge argument about throwning away a very old, dirty sponge when she told me to cut around the dirt and safe the “good” piece.
Clever, lookingforward!
** And ECmotherx2! But yuk on the sponge!
I have to say it’s so good to have so many people dealing with similar challenges. When you have babies, the light at the end of the tunnel is that the babies will grow up to be self sufficient adults. With this journey as our parents age, it seems that the journey itself is what I need to focus on, because there is no real “light” at the end of this, is there?
Hugs to everyone that’s going through a rough spot right now, especially Mansfield, Rockvillemom and eyeamom. This week my Mom is in good spirits and good health. Last month I took over paying her bills, which I thought was something good for her to do but apparently was stressful. Her arthritis made writing the checks painful as well. We had set up the checking account as a joint one when my father passed away almost two years ago and I periodically checked her account on-line. I’ve set up on-line banking now for me to do her bills. Looking through her checkbook though and comparing that to the statements I see that she was not writing in all her checks and sometimes writing the wrong amounts - the amount for the gas bill towards the electric bill, etc. Of course, when it came time to balance her account when her statement came it, it was never right. Giving that concern up was apparently a weight off her shoulders. I’m not going to tell her that I don’t really balance the checkbook, I just keep track of everything on-line.
My Mom is going to move in with my sister, hopefully by the end of this year after my sister fixes up an apartment for her in her house. What’s the least stressful way to get rid of her stuff? She lives two hours from both my sister and I so when either of us go to visit her, we sometimes spend the night. I’m thinking of taking a few days this Spring, and taking a bunch of empty boxes and attempt to empty at least the basement. My problem is I also have a hard time getting rid of stuff if it’s just going to a dump. So I imagine making many trips to the local Goodwill or Salvation Army. After reading about the angst of parting with things, I’m also wondering if it would be easier on my Mom if we empty the house of furniture after she’s out of the house. We would know just what would fit so there would be no temptation of trying to take something thinking we could find room for it. The sort of good news is that my parents never really had valuable furniture or large items so I shouldn’t feel obligated to take much of that.
When I relocated my parents, we threw out a lot of stuff after the move because they paid the movers to pack stuff. “Stuff” got packed before we could get to it! Remember “I will store this at my house until you need it” and bring the stuff to Goodwill or throw it away!
RVM, do you really need to pack and store? Can you bring it all to Goodwill or Salvation Army? It is unlikely your mil will be making a move back to independent living.
Thinking of all who are helping their elders with big transitions as well as those with health challenges. It is hard and overwhelming. There is a light at the end of the tunnel if your relative is fortunate enough to land in a place that works for them and the family. I couldn’t tell you what took more time with my parents’ moves- coaching them through the process or actually shoveling out their home of 45 years.
When they left their smaller apartment for assisted living 10 years ago, we packed up what they would need, timed their AL arrival for after things were largely in place and cleaned out the apartment after they were situated. Saved a lot of time and energy, yet this isn’t always possible.
Part of what can be tough is the standards we hold ourselves as caregivers to, especially when navigating uncooperative parents or constraints we have no control over. It’s a matter of playing the hand you are dealt as well as possible. Take good care.
We are guilty of the “divert and dump” tactic. I just hope mom forgets about some of the things that didn’t make the mom. Oh well, its too late anyway. The things she couldn’t take with her or go into storage were divided into 3 piles in the garage:1) someone in the family wants this 2) this needs to go to Goodwill and 3) this needs to go to trash. We made many trips to Goodwill and to the dumpster my brother has at his still-under-construction house. We moved quickly because mom was seen several times roaming the garage and re-arranging the piles. The only pile left is #1 and that will take care of itself.
We will have to start round 2 of the purge at the new place. She still has way too much stuff. Mom, you don’t need 18 pairs of khaki pants and 34 placemats. Luckily, her community has a donation box on site.
When it comes to things that aren’t obvious trash, eg, that side table she’s had for decades, that I remember leaning on, liking, as a kid, I try to think of giving it away as ‘returning it to the universe.’ Silly, but lets me be free of it. The bigger problem is the things that do have $ value.
“Divert and dump” What a perfect description!!
When my parents downsized to a smaller home, they had to give up many things, but with two savers, you can imagine how difficult this was for them. One day, I had a brilliant ‘divert and dump’ tactic. I pulled out my mother’s wedding dress (I wore it also when I got married). I had my daughter (who was about 13) put it on and my mom went outside with her to take pics of her in the dress. It was a perfect diversion! While she was busy photographing, my brother and I worked like crazy to clean out a bathroom (tons of outdated medicines and such).
Thankfully, the church of the street was gearing up for a rummage sale so we were able to make many short trips up the street with car loads of household items. It was a win-win for everyone.
shellfell - I have no idea if my m-i-l will recognize me, as I have not seen her in 5 years - not a great relationship. DH and I were joking that he should introduce me to her as his new gf so that we have a clean slate.
I think we are packing and storing her stuff because we don’t know where she is going for memory care - and how large her space will be there. The independent living facility has some storage space we can use short term. I think the main goal is to empty the apartment quickly so we do not have to pay for February. She brought way too much stuff with her from Florida - but the philosophy then was to not battle too much. Dining room table and chairs - ridiculous. I’m sure much will be donated or trashed.
This may sound weird, but if she doesnt recognize you, consider bringing something that is a familiar smell. Or sing/play a favorite old song. Olfactory memory and memory for old favorite songs can be more powerful than we realize.
I love these stories of how everyone is managing their parents, and the humor that takes the edge off the situation. We’ve found the best strategy with my mom is just to accept her version of the world and respond accordingly. It’s a bit like improv, you never know when, where or who she thinks she’s with. It was too much for my brother, who my mom calls by her brother’s name, and he doesn’t visit anymore.
momsquad, I agree 100 percent. My dad used to try to convince my stepmother that she knew stuff that she couldn’t remember. Total waste of time and energy, and very frustrating to boot. Also, she wanted to carry her pocketbook everywhere. It used to drive my dad crazy until I finally convinced him that it wasn’t the worst thing in the world to make sure she could always see her pocketbook. And he could reassure her by reminding her to take it when they went somewhere.
After my dad died and my stepbrother took her to CO where he lived and put her in a memory care unit, he remarked to me that she kept asking for “papa.” He said, her father would be 150 years old! He couldn’t see that she was asking for my dad, her husband of 35 years who (mostly) took care of her until he died.
She called her son by her brother’s name but that didn’t bother him as much.
I agree, momsquad and oldmom. It’s all about riding over the tops of the waves and avoiding anxiety or distress. Love the pocketbook story. Decades ago my now 91 year old mother in law laughed about how it must be a "nesting instinct, as she has to have her pocketbook with her as she heads upstairs to bed. Now, she is in a nursing home, not ambulatory and can’t “use” a pocketbook on the rare occasions she heads out. Of course, before the arduous task of getting her in the car is complete, she is looking around madly and asking for her pocketbook. Full disclosure: I have been barely ambulatory at points this year myself and had to remind DH that the bag went in whatever part of the car I was riding in that day. We laughed about it. It’s very hard to let go of old habits. My father with severe memory loss will still feel his wallet pocket to be sure it is there. He is in nursing home care and there is no need for a wallet. He hasn’t used it for 10 years. But he can find that “decoy” version in a heartbeat.
I’m home again. We got my mom completely moved in and decorated and it looks so lovely. After digging in her heels for so long she got wheeled in and my husband put it so well - she had that christmas morning look. She couldn’t believe how nice the place looked. I took the advice I read here and had her leave her apartment in the morning before the movers came. She stayed at my sisters house for the day. Then we had the opportunity to get pictures hung, teacups just so, clothes put away. I even ran out to bed, bath and beyond and got her all new bedding for her new adjustable bed. I bought her a new la z boy chair that was delivered.
I kept saying - mom is really sick, she should be in the hospital. She absolutely refused and everyone else caved against my opinion. Today she went to see the doctor in the facility who sent her straight to the er. Her moron doctor didn’t even do a flu test on Monday, and told her to stop taking her lasix because of her potassium levels. So guess what - she has the flu, bronchitis and her chf is kicking up and she’s being admitted as we speak. But because she’s signed and moved in - when she’s released she can go to their “health” floor, where they monitor and care for sick residents.
She’s been a bath taker her entire life. This morning before the dr’s visit my sis was able to take her to their “spa” - you sit on a chair, they turn it into the tub, fill up the water and she got to sit in a jacuzzi type tub for an hour. My sis sent a picture and she was so happy. Hopefully once she’s better she can schedule using it once a week.
We still have her apartment to deal with, but we all agreed to wait until March. Honestly hubby and I have done all the heavy lifting and we’re exhausted, need to be home, and are going on vacation for 2 weeks in February. Then we’ll deal with everything else.
Good for you, eyeamom. Sounds like she is the best place possible and she is lucky to have your wise support. Scary when stuff gets missed or doesn’t declare itself until later. Love the Christmas morning phrase. You spared her some angst. Bravo and here’s hoping there is rest to come.
Does anyone here have any experience with Social Security after one parent dies? We notified SS after my dad dies and they made a phone appointment with my mom for February 17 (the call was made on 12/23). She has submitted no paperwork yet, but received two letters. One informed her she would need a birth certificate, marriage certificate and death certificate to get the one time death benefit - that we expected. Then yesterday she got a letter saying she would be eligible for $9 of his benefits - yes, $9. The way I read the site, she is eligible for survivors benefits up to the larger of her benefits or his. If that was the case, she would be entitled to almost double what her individual benefits are (which are based on her own earnings record, not his.) I’ve alert the lawyer who is handling probable of the will, but I suspect we will need someone with particular knowledge to file an effective appeal. I am a lawyer, but this is so out of my league. My parents situation is made even more complicated because they get pension (like SS) in Canada as well as the US. But $9…makes no sense to me.
I don’t know how the Canada-US thing could affect it, but when spouse #1 dies, the survivor is generally entitled to the larger of the two benefit amounts.
When my dad died my mom got my dad’s benefit amount. I have no idea how Canada works though.
That’s what I thought, thus the confusion. Oh well, one more thing to deal with.
Well, yes and no. You are 100% right about focusing on the journey. But for me anyway, there has been light of a sort since my dad passed. Though i made plenty of mistakes in the years he was under my management, and though I have some regrets – still, I have the knowledge that I did a good job on balance, and he was far better off than if I had washed my hands of caring for him and left him to hired help. Our father-daughter love was renewed, and I have so many happy memories of that time. I think this last service that we do for our parents, caring for them in whatever capacity we can, changes us forever, and for the better. The light is that you’ll always know you did the right thing, even when it was really hard.
Hugs to everyone. <3