Amen to that! Had a care assessment meeting with the head nurse and assisted living director at my mom’s AL place. They were shaking their heads when they saw that for the previous assessment, 6 months ago, the nurse had my mom sign the forms acknowledging she understood everything. She’s in the memory care section! And this place is rated 5 stars in every category by Medicae.
^shairng this because our family is impacted by Alzheimers, and the movie Still Alice is getting a lot of attention. ( I haven’t seen it, yet. )
This woman addresses the idea of not becoming a burden to her familly and maintaining dignity if she is diagnosed.
Ugh…my mom called me before and asked if I would come get her. She hates being on the rehab floor. She said she’s losing weight and the food is awful and she just wants to come to my house to recover. sob sob It’s so awful and sad to get this distress call. I told her I was calling the people in charge to find out what the plan is, what are they really doing for her there that she couldn’t do in her own apartment with aides helping and receiving pt. This is heartbreaking, she just wants to have me take care of her, but the truth is she needs around the clock help. I really don’t know what to do, my guilt is off the charts. My husband is adamant about not bringing her here - he just said - look at your sister - fainting and passing out and stressed to the max - that will be us if we take her in.
Sorry, eyeamom. Sometimes it’s as much about being heard as anything else. Empathy may go a long way. My m-I-l, under transition stress has said she weighed x, which would have been a 40 pound loss in 6 weeks. Uh, no. She just couldn’t process accurately while recovering. I let elders know to keep me posted, that I’ll be in touch with the staff, etc. and I try to tweak one concern so something feels addressed. Rinse and repeat. Moving to a family member when FT rehab is indicated is unlikely to promote her gaining the independence she wants as quickly as rehab would.
What a challenging journey. Hang in there.
You H is right. Do not, under any circumstances, bring her to stay with you.
Have you talked to a supervisor on the rehab floor? What’s really going on?
The advice we’d give the mother of a homesick college freshman is highly applicable: Be strong (as in, don’t let her hear your distress) but sympathetic. Validate her feelings but don’t give in to her demands. Express confidence that she’s going to be OK.
eyemamom, think with your head and not your heart this time, otherwise you’ll burn out. You are an intelligent, level-headed and thoughtful person who has made good decisions all along. You can continue to act in your mother’s best interests, but it doesn’t have to come at your own personal emotional expense. Stay strong.
I agree with LasMa. The analogy to college freshmen is good.
Eyeamom - Such calls are heartbreaking, especially because your mom’s distress in genuine. A good response is “this is the place the doctors think is best for you at this time. They hope to have you out as soon as possible.” Of course, in contrast, your place is not “the best.” The one thing I would check on is if food can be brought from the outside. But, your mom is surely losing weight from the stress of the whole thing as well as the bad food. Remember to wear your daughter hat which includes commiserating about the food and how difficult this must be, but don’t wear a caregiver hat.
I’m thinking about my FIL who died last year. For him, the people were always “so nice and helpful,” the food “so good,” the facility “the best place there is.” I miss his positive attitude.
I called the nurses station, cried to her a little and she said to call back in a little while, she was going to see her but she just saw her,she was walking in the hall and seemed fine. So she went in and talked to her, and told her that if she wasn’t happy with something she needed to let them know. They have a dining room on the water, so the nurse said, why don’t you go to the dining room, sit by the window, enjoy the view - and today they’re having one of my favorite dishes - the herbed chicken and broccoli. And she said my mom walked down there and was sitting with a bunch of ladies eating and laughing. She said it’s normal that she’ll have moments, and I mentioned she sure knew who to pick - like the weak gazelle in the pack. She said she was notating to be sure everyone gave her extra tlc while she went through this transition. And she told me to call whenever I wanted to find out how she was doing, not just rely on talking to my mom.
The staff really is lovely. I called my brother who was just exasperated and a real a-hole, but he was right that there really was nowhere else to go. I didn’t bother my sister who lives there with this, I wanted her to have a day off of this.
The good news is the staff does truly seem to like my mom and care about her. It was as she said a moment. And I’m sure it will happen again.
Wow, eyemamom, what a great staff! It sounds so much like many kids–they call us when they are distressed, but don’t bother to let us know that they got over it!
Call me crazy but I liked the food my mother got at the hospital and in rehab. Just lucky, I guess.
When my mother was in the hospital and rehab, she had various misinterpretations. Sometimes, it’s stress, sometimes just the fact the whole experience is different than their normal. And sometimes because they really are trying to “get it” but they can’t fully process in their usual ways. One night I had to go over there at 2am because, according to her, her doctor stopped by and said he hadn’t operated on her, wanted to know why she was there. It was just the shift nurse introducing himself.
eyeamom … drop the guilt! and exactly for the homesick college freshman analogy. Or, what I thought was a bit more apt, the first day of kindergarten/ preschool. It gets better, I promise.
Thank goodness for sensible DH’s that save us from ourselves (and our demanding mothers).
@eyemamom, so glad you had such a receptive chat with the nursing staff. Sounds like mom is very like a new kid preschool. Glad the staff will be giving her extra TLC and keeping an eye out. Take a deep breath and then go out & do something fun with your spouse–a nice meal, walk, movie, clear your head! You deserve a break!
Love the analogy to the calls home from freshmen.
And @eyemamom, HImom’s suggestion of doing something nice for yourself is spot on.
After seeing my parents yesterday, I have a new term for memory loss related to dementia. I’m calling it “spinning” as we are constantly turning back to the previous sentence, explanation, topic…I can’t give a 2 sentence explanation as they forget the first sentence or the topic. This is new, as we would previous spin back to the explanation as it was forgotten, but spinning back within the explanation just started.
GT- remarkable how literal living in the moment becomes. So hard to see it happen. Spinning is an apt description.
Only plus is that feeling sick or having pain is not cumulatively wearing in a conscious way, and griefs are not always accessible. Now that my father with severe memory loss (he is aware of it), is past 90, I am seeing the protective nature of this decline. The fact that he is cheerful and can participate in relevant, but repetitive conversations, initiated by others helps a bit.
Hang in there!
Oh yes travelnut, he is cheerful and happy to participate in conversations. Something that my mother has “opted out” of. Dementia has helped them cope with my brother’s death. I just wonder when it will be that they can no longer care for themselves. My mom is confused about medications and myself and the doctor decided to just take her off all of them. This waiting for the other shoe to drop when I will need to call in home care or transfer to assisted living/nursing home (they are independent living at a CCRC now) is difficult for a planner like me.
So… back in October I posted that my dad is thinking of adding onto their house. I just stayed out of it once I told him I thought they should look at other options before going down that path. Well… the addition turned out to be too expensive by his reckoning once they got an estimate. The number was no surprise to me, as they have a somewhat “swampy” yard to build into (just low lying and damp, but they used to have leaky basement troubles), and they were looking to plumb a master bath and laundry room as well.
I have been staying away from the subject, but asked my mom when we were on the phone while dad was outside snowblowing yesterday (87… he needs to get to a lower maintenance place!). She said, “Oh, we aren’t doing that, it is too expensive.” They apparently are getting starting to figure out what repairs need to be made prior to selling and starting to look at places to move. Now… my dad has not mentioned this to me at all (still miffed that I wasn’t supportive of the addition, I think). Hopefully my brother (in town with them, has some experience with real estate) can give a bit of help to them in thinking about picking a place and doing the right kind of repairs.
My stepmother went through a stage of dementia during which she forgot that her son had died. Every time she found out again, she suffered through the grief again.
Oh that’s sad, oldmom. 
GT, good term for it.