I nearly say unfortunately, but my mom doesn’t have dementia or alzheimers. She’s just a sick, broken down person. She was told yesterday if she doesn’t improve, she will have to have 24 hour a day aides at her apartment. She’s lost so much weight, and she is so depressed. She’s on the list for the psychiatrist. It’s so hard to even want to call her, and I don’t know what’s worse, the conversation or steeling myself to make the call. She’s always been a negative person and this isn’t helping. She can move about the facility, sit in the lounge, go to the dining room, she’s not a prisoner in her room. But she chooses to sit in her room with the lights off and the blinds drawn watching tv all day.
My dad was put on Cymbalta, and it made a noticeable difference.
When they threatened a round-the-clock aide if she doesn’t improve, were they talking about the depression? Or something else?
eyeamom, have they mentioned a med like LasMa asked? I would think that would be a good first line try to help her through these issues.
The aides were for her weakness. She’s lost nearly 30 lbs! She really is very weak, but she will often choose to just sit in bed and be waited on rather than get up and move around. So no one knows if she can’t do it, or won’t. I’d say given her crabby demeanor she must be feeling a little better.
eyemamom, has she ever taken antidepressants? They really helped with my dad’s oppositional behavior. When he complained that he wasn’t depressed, I asked him to take them for me. And he did.
I believe Cymbalta is also labeled for pain relief, and that’s ostensibly why Dad had the drug. His doctor saw signs of depression but did not ask if he was depressed (wisely, IMO. That generation will usually refuse to cop to psychological or mental problems.) Instead she asked if he’d like some help with his back pain, and he was just fine with that.
So, after all the drama that consumed January, m-i-l is all moved in to her assisted living, where she is back to her normal demeanor - bitch, kvetch, complain and whine. The fact that she nearly died seems to escape her. The fact that she was completely lost in dementia - she has genuinely forgotten or chosen to do so. She has made an amazing recovery - and I feel like she does not deserve it. She is condescending and patronizing to the AL staff and barely mentions all that we did for her. I think I am reverting to my pre-January stance - which was to have as little to do with her as possible. I feel guilty for some of my thoughts, but this woman is the definition of an energy vampire.
Preserving your physical and emotional health is a vital priority–distance sounds helpful at this juncture. 
My BIL’s Dad had cardiac surgery last summer, for a while they were not willing to take the risk, then the Docs decided to do the surgery. BIL’s Dad is a selfish jerk and he refused to do any of the post-op recovery things (like hug a pillow, not put pressure on the chest incision, breathe into the spirometer, etc.), he would not do anything to help himself. He got so weak they had to put him into rehab for a month where he recovered well. He came home and does not recall the intense confusion and dementia he exhibited, he does not think much of the fact that he almost died, he actually seems to either be downplaying the severity or just not remembering it all.
He subsequently went back to drinking alcohol and then back to smoking. The medical people and his family are having fits & he just does not care.
It’s weird, do they really not remember?
Maybe , but denial is a great defense mechanism.
Such episodes of extreme confusion and behavior is termed delirium, a temporary state, as opposed to dementia, which is a progressive disorder. Delirium can happen to those with or without dementia. And no, people do not remember the period of time when they were in a state of delirium.
rockvillmom, since delirium is temporary, it is not expected to change a person in the way dementia does. So, I am not surprised she is back to her previous self. No reason you should be feeling more guilt about such thoughts now. It sounds like your previous relationship worked well for you both. No reason to change it. Speaking as the primary caregiver of my parents, your husband will need to stay involved.
I’ve been spending a lot of time lurking, not really having time to post much of anything anywhere (finishing my masters degree, dealing with H’s cancer and suing the government for his loss of job, etc.). We were called this morning by the nursing home, mom passed away, just went to sleep and didn’t wake up. We had visited her yesterday and she seemed fine, just tired but that was a sometimes normal thing for her. I’m in shock, she had started doing her applique sewing again about 8 months ago and just recently started writing to her pen pals again too.
When we went to the nursing home this morning, the nurses there were in as much shock as us. All of them had a very kind word for us- Mom was the nicest person and easiest patient they had. Never asked for anything.
Of course, when I called my sister she did the Oh No! and then about 15 minutes into the conversation asked what I was going to do with mom’s belongings. Of course I told her that they would be in my basement and maybe this summer she can come out and look through mom’s things. We are talking about a woman who had no heirlooms or anything of value… Family. What are we to do with them?
The only thing I’m thankful for is that she passed exactly as she wanted- peacefully in her sleep, with no tubes or hospitals. I would like to thank some of her nurses and CNAs, do you have any recommendations as to how to go about this?
So sorry for your loss, ChuckleDoodle. How comforting that she passed easily.
Sorry for your loss ChuckleDoodle. I had given some of mom’s small trinkets away to people that would like something from mom. Did she have any small needle work items, or other small items that would ‘fit the bill’ for saying a little thank you? A small item will not ‘encumber’ the recipient, and just lets them know their care was appreciated. A written note with or w/o item. Everyone likes to know they were appreciated. Even purchasing bookmarks or little cards from Hallmark, religious goods store.
ChuckleDoodle- sending sympathy your way. So good that you saw your mother yesterday and she went peacefully. I can understand the shock and wish your family the best.
As to thank you’s for staff, in addition to the possibility of sharing her small trinkets with individuals, you could send in treats for the unit, ordering special foods, fruits, or bakery items for them. I have also asked the charge nurse if there is a meeting they have where this would be especially appreciated. Of all the things I have done for my parents’ caregivers in the last 10 years, the most commented on and appreciated have been notes stating our gratitude for specific kindnesses they received. I have also sent letters about a particular unit to the heads of the facility, complimenting their professionalism and expressing how much it meant. You can get around to this as it works and any gesture you make will be meaningful. Right now, you have a lot on your plate and I wish you all the best.
chuckleDoodle, sincere sympathies. It is a shock that suddenly happened. So glad you saw her yesterday.
I haven’t any words of wisdom about acknowledging staff. I send a fruit/nut basket to staff at Christmas time since they are prohibited from receiving tips. And add a note about anyone who has been particularly helpful.
My worst problem being so far away from Mom is I am afraid she will die alone. Realistically, she might even if I was next door, but not seeing her more than once a month worries me a lot. We are considering moving her nearer to family for that and closer supervision reasons. My brother’s MIL just died. I don’t want to suggest any changes for a while due to that.
Chuckle, I’m so sorry.
In terms of thanking the staff, that’s not something they hear very often, so anything you do will be appreciated. If there are individuals you want to thank, perhaps a formal letter with a cc to the director. It’ll look nice in their personnel file.
I wasn’t as organized as you. I just went to the SNF and started handing out hugs
ChuckleDoodle, so sorry to hear about your mom. I’m glad you have the good memories of visiting her yesterday, that she was comfortable and that she had taken enjoyment from her hobbies. May her peace comfort you and yours.
GTalum - thank you for your comments on delirium. That is exactly what I had come up with when researching online a few weeks ago. I emailed several links to b-i-l, but he never acknowledged and I did not bring it up when we were in Dallas - but it makes sense. Hoping DH does stay involved - mostly to maintain the progress he has made with his brother.
Chuckle - sorry for your loss - glad her passing was peaceful.
ChuckleDoodle, so sorry for your loss, but glad you got to spend time with your mom before she died.