Very sorry for your loss, CD. As others have said, I’m glad you were able to see her the day before.
So sorry ChuckleDoodle. It’s good you have positive feelings for the staff and that she was well cared for, I think they will appreciate anything you do.
So sorry for your loss ChuckleDoodle. So comforting to know she was well cared for. Cookies and a thank you note to the staff is always good.
I’m sorry for you loss ChuckleDoodle. My father died the same way, in his bed asleep after a good day. I think that’s pretty much what we all want for ourselves and for our parents. I hope all of your sweet memories bring you comfort.
ChuckleDoodle, I’m so sorry for your loss. Based on my recent experience, the fact that it was peaceful and quick is a blessing to all. As many said to me, I hope your memories will ease your pain at this difficult time.
I just watched an episode of Frontline, the PBS documentary show, with Atul Gawande, a surgeon and author of Being Mortal. Very profound stuff. One of the cases he discussed and showed was the death of his father, a physician, as is his mother is. It’s available online, with lots of supplementary material.
Thank you everyone for the support. I think I’ll make some cookies and carrot cake for the staff. My D is taking it the hardest so when she asked what moms favorite flower was because she was thinking about getting a tattoo as a remembrance, I told her we could both get it done together. She’s spent the last two days looking at pictures of gaberra daisies and sewing needles…we’re going to see her tattoo guy tomorrow. It might be strange but I think it will help us both. The next big obstacle is getting through moms BD on the 25th…thank you again.
Sorry for your loss, chuckiedoodle.
Condolences to all who have experienced losses.
I post this for those who may find it helpful. It’s not pleasant topic, about near death signs.
http://www.medpagetoday.com/HematologyOncology/OtherCancers/49946?xid=nl_mpt_DHE_2015-02-11&utm_content=&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=DailyHeadlines&utm_source=ST&eun=g487570d0r&userid=487570&email=jzimmer758%40aol.com&mu_id=5616866&utm_term=Daily
I love the idea of the tattoos, @ChuckleDoodle .
I have another question… I have never been to a funeral or memorial before. I know that may be weird but my family doesn’t do funerals. We have had people die, no graveside or even church ceremony. Personally, I have never been to a funeral or memorial as every time someone died in my family I was out of country/state. Mom wanted us to do a memorial for her friends here in Virginia and then my family will fly to California this summer where we’ll scatter her ashes in the Pacific ocean.
So what does one do at a memorial? We are not very “churchy” so there will not be a pastor there. I was going to do a picture montage of mom from babyhood to senior living that we can show at the memorial, because mom wanted it to mostly be about remembering the happier times. Kind of like a New Orleans style thing without the jazz band and cemetery. Should I be doing a eulogy or say something? I was thinking about saying something about the good times, but not sure if this is okay. I figure with the vast wealth of knowledge from my virtual friends, I should get some advice that will work for me. thanks.
Sorry for your loss CD. You can do anything you wish. Have music, light food, drinks are up to you. Have a time of day in mind and roughly how long. Have some structure in mind, what you want to say or let others say, and roughly when. You csn say anything you wish. Maybe one of the kids or siblings shares. On that day, it’s helpful not to be the one in charge, maybe a friend can oversee, so you are free to share and mingle. If it’s not a large group, you can time it for lunch someplace or dessert. It can be at a friend’s home. A church or temple may let you use a room. (One of her friends my have a church connection.) It’s mostly about communing. And commemorating. You and family greet them, ensure a moment to speak with each.
My family didn’t do funerals either. But the others, especially your Mom’s friends, will have been through this. At their ages, many of them will appreciate chance to sit down. They will be happy you are doing this for her- and for them. Best to you.
Yes, talk about the good times! We had a small memorial for my uncle where about 12 of us went to lunch and took turns relating our favorite memories. I’ve been to church memorials (Mormon and Presbyterian) where family members told funny stories about their loved one and had the whole church laughing. It was about celebration of the person’s life, not about mourning. If anyone is musical it is nice opportunity to sing or play a favorite piece of music. Mostly people like the opportunity to come together and remember their departed friend or family member together, however it is done.
We do Quaker memorials. In the manner of Friends, there is no minister and people stand and say what “they feel led” to say. We had my brother’s at the local HS theater. Slides were shown, people spoke, we had some music. Really anything is OK. Anybody who is led to speak may speak. It makes it a very rich experience as you hear so man voices about your loved one rather than a pastor. My parents will not want a memorial of any kind.
Yes, it can be a very rich experience. A “coming together.”
ChuckeDoodle, my dad wanted his remains donated to a medical school and I carried out his wishes when he died at age 91. Because my brother, who lives far away is not well and had a setback shortly after my dad died, we couldn’t do the memorial for four months. It was important to me to do it before my daughter went away to college and fortunately my brother was able to travel and attend.
We are culturally Jewish but not observant and my father was an atheist. We had no religious presence at the event, which I described as a memorial get-together. I rented a wonderful space in a Unitarian church in Brooklyn where I live, It was set up with tables at one end of the room and rows of chairs at the other. and I invited family members and friends via email and posted it to my Facebook page. We had around 40 people in attendance. I ordered snack food from a local caterer/deli and brought some wine and beer. A dear friend was kind enough to deal with putting out the food, making sure the room was arranged properly, etc.
We had the room from 2 to 5 on a Saturday afternoon. From 2 to 3 or so, we all sat around, ate, and talked. Then I asked everyone to sit down and I read a short biography of my dad. Originally my brother was going to talk as well, but he didn’t feel well enough so after I covered my dad’s life story, I told some anecdotes about his personality and attributes. My aunt then talked, followed by one of my nieces and a few words from my brother. Then we went back to talking and eating for another hour or so.
I had a trifold set up with photos at the front of the room. I considered background music via an ipod or Pandora but never got around to doing it. I think it was a fitting memorial to my dad, who outlived the great majority of his contemporaries.
Thank you guys… I knew you would have the answers to my questions! We are having the memorial at the funeral home from 6-8 pm. I’m thinking about bringing some of the baked goods that mom liked to bake for her friends. It’s the one thing that I know I can do without any problems. Mom had great recipes for cookies, carrot cake, tea rolls, etc. And baking is very cathartic for me so this will help. Knowing that we can “go with the flow” helps a lot.
There are no rules, Chuckle. It can be anything you and your family want it to be. Big, small, traditional, unconventional, whatever you think best honors her memory and whatever you are comfortable with.
Common elements at the services I’ve been to include:
Music. You can have music you know she loved, or music that reminds you of her. When we were planning my dad’s service, my mom had one and only one request: that we sing the beautiful Navy hymn. Music can be recorded, performed, or sung by the congregants. It needn’t be mournful; I once went to a service which featured a lot of Beatles music.
Eulogy(ies). To me, this is the heart of a memorial service. It can be done by one person, or several people who each cover an aspect of the person’s life. Or it can be crowd-sourced, where people are simply asked to stand and give their remembrances. (I’m not a fan of this practice at a large service, but it could work well at a small intimate gathering.) Or any combination thereof. You definitely want to make sure the good times are covered, and humorous things. There should be some laughter as well as tears at this event.
My brother wrote and delivered the eulogy but he asked for input from all the siblings and the college-aged kids, for which I was grateful (apparently he had never heard the married-in-a-hurricane story!). We each got a copy of the final draft, which is really nice because now we all have our family’s official version of Dad’s life. Also, if you’re going to deliver it, you may want to arrange for a backup to take over if you decide at the last minute that it’s too much. An in-law or other non-blood-relative is probably best, or a family friend.
Photos. This can be a display as people come into the space, a montage playing on the power point, a large photo at the front of the space, or an 8 x 10 on the guest book table. Speaking of which, don’t forget to get a guest book; you’ll always be glad you did. Hallmark stores carry them.
Reception/wake. IMO it’s important for people to be together after the service, to share memories, to grieve together, to reconnect, to laugh. Food and drink (not necessarily alcoholic) facilitate this, but it doesn’t have to be fancy at all. For a small informal gathering, a bakery cake/cookies and coffee will do the trick nicely.
My Mom wanted the Navy hymn for my dad, as well. I still tear up when I think of that beautiful hymn.
I agree with LasMa that eulogies are the heart of the service. Usually at a memorial, there will be people from various aspects of the person’s life. Everyone there will like to learn about the other parts of the person’s life.
I also agree that the informal get-together after the service, with food, is vital. This is the time when mourners can be comforted and when others can tell their stories about the person. Expect to learn things you didn’t know about your mother.
I just love the idea of baking your mother’s recipes! What wonderful memories that will bring back.
Everyone has already suggested the best parts of the memorial celebrations I’ve been to. Every time I go to a funeral service I think about what I would like at mine. Music, maybe a slide show on a portable DVD, eulogies and a picture board. I think the best eulogies are ones that make you laugh and cry. I love hearing the music that meant something to the deceased. At my Dad’s reception after his service, which was at his church, we had his favorite desserts and his favorite candy in bowls at every table. I’ve found that services for older people can be a real celebration because they lived a good long life. How can you not celebrate that? The love from all that attended my Dad’s service was priceless and brought great comfort to me afterwards.