Eyeamom- agree with you and GT. Transitioning out of rehab, which is full time skilled nursing, to a friend seems sub-optimal to me. Having a read on how she does locally seems important, as does establishing herself in her new place. Knowing her new baseline will help make any decisions.
Also, the bump on the leg may not be indicative of anything, but may be “of a piece” with her other frailties. It all seems like a lot to presume from a friend.
Hang in there. This is a lot. If I were you, I’d feel very protective of that hard-won placement, so carefully chosen to meet her needs. Perhaps you can buy time, as you suggest.
@eyemamom I would talk to rehab and have them tell your sister that your mom is not capable at this point to be on an airplane and away from her care providers. She has some very serious medical issues. How old is her friend in FL? Even if friend is able bodied, having a relatively healthy person visit is much different than someone who may have a serious medical crisis.
Eyeamom, everytime I wish I had more help in dealing with my aunt, I remember the stories here about taking care of our elderly family members “by committee”. There are so many negatives to have your mom visit her friend right now. Bluntly, your sister’s head is in the sand. A few other reasons other than what has already been stated: risk of blood clot while traveling, open wound, risk of infection, who will do dressing changes? I wouldn’t be surprised if your sister says that rehab. ok’s the trip. I would call her PMD to have him/her speak with your sister. I would also call your mom’s friend to let her know the big picture. It may come down to the friend saying no to the visit at this time. To be honest, I don’t see a visit happening now or even in the future unless you or your sister goes too. Is the friend in better physical and mental shape to be the one to travel and see your mom? Sending hugs and prayers for patience.
Your sister may be thinking that now that Mom is released from rehab, she’s now completely whole again, ten years wiped away. Agree with others, first see how she does with this next step before jumping so far ahead. If the friend lives alone and something comes up that she can’t handle (even the wound,) Mom could end up back in ER…in Florida.
Plus, there’s the psychology. Let Mom go to her new home, find her grounding.
@eyemamom - If you check with a nurse or PT, and they agree that Mom shouldn’t go to Florida right after discharge, then you might ask if they’d be willing to call your sister, or take a call from your sister. It’s usually harder for family members to disagree with an assessment if they hear it straight from a medical professional.
I have said my peace and I am outnumbered. I talked to my mom yesterday and told her I just wish she’d wait a couple of weeks to get her bearings. Her feeling is she thinks her days are numbered, she really wants to see her lifelong friend and be in the sun and warmth, but she also agrees that a few weeks would have been better. However, my sister has a trip planned going there so that’s why so soon. In talking to my sisters I just said - find out the risks associated with flying, and be prepared in case of an emergency. I can’t imagine how on earth my mom will get through the airport and sit on the plane for 3+ hours - even the logistics of driving up to departures, getting her out and into a wheelchair, with her walker, go park the car, come back and get her and check in luggage, get wheelchair and walker and carry ons through security, getting her to walk down the plane aisle and seated and god help her if it’s not an aisle seat, but if it is how others will get past her - getting off the plane, getting luggage, mom, walker to the car rental place, etc. I was kind of joking but I said it’s like taking weekend at bernies…My sister says she’ll stay a few days with mom at friends to make sure she’s okay, but does the friend really need to be dressing, feeding, waiting on mom?
Right now the bigger battle is actually her meds. We switched her to the in house dr who is fabulous. Her meds are now controlled and out of mom’s possession. She’s addicted to oxy, I truly believe that. When she talked to the dr he mentioned she’s been on pain pills unsupervised a long time. So now she wants back with her previous doctor who would write unlimited oxy prescriptions and mom would pop at will. Her complete lack of control over her meds got her hospitalized several times this year. My sister has medical power of attorney so she called the dr’s practice and said here’s my med poa, mom is not permitted to see this doctor and the doctor may not prescribe pain pills for her. Good times ahead when mom finds this out. Sis called her go to people to let them know they are not to drive her to that doctors office.
If one “must” travel when this frail, flying first or business class can help with comfort and logistics. If not that, an extra room aisle seat near lav and front of plane is a good idea.
People in wheelchairs are escorted directly through security and I have found the attendants who do this to be extremely helpful. If need be, they have a tiny width wheelchair that can go down plane aisle to seat.
You’ve done all you can do. If your sister is determined to own this adventure in its entirety, she may get an education you didn’t need to see to believe.
I just called the facility and said hey, mom is planning a trip to Florida - they didn’t tell the social worker any of this at release. So I just asked…how does she get her medicine? The social worker said she’d call the nurse in charge of the clinic and she’d need to be approved by the doctor to travel. So I just called the sis planning this and said hey - I just thought of something, I’m the one who signed the pills in with the place, so to help out I just left a message with nurse telling them mom was going away and needed her medication. Maybe you could pick it up now so you have it with you and don’t have to worry about mom remembering…Now they’ll be forced to be cleared by the doctor. And if the doctor thinks it’s fine, then I think it’s fine. But at least someone needs to be aware of this trip. Interestingly, when I first spoke to her the first thing she says - I heard your mom and sister just walked out a little while ago to go somewhere. I said yes, they’re getting my mom ready for her trip to Florida this week - lol They clearly monitor everything going on.
Oh, just shoot me now. What’s with these traveling elders? FIL told DH he wants to attend DD’s graduation. No problem, we’ll just get him 900 miles away so he can hike from the distant parking lots (or climb up into the shuttles designed for college students) and then sit for 3 hours in the Texas heat.
FIL has been in denial for years about his physical decline. He really thinks he can do this, but is unable to picture in his mind what level and duration of activity would really be required. He also thinks he’s going to get around to cleaning the bathroom, raking the yard, and taking out the trash. Years of not getting any of this done have not taught him that he can’t do it any more. He plans to get it done later today. Or tomorrow. Next week at the latest.
I’ve actually started looking on Google maps to see how many feet he would have to walk at a stretch to do this, even assuming he could get there. (hummm…18 hours in a car, or his first post-9/11 trip to the airport?). Then I’ll map that distance in his neighborhood, and have DH tell him that he has to be able to walk from his front door to the tennis courts in the park in one stretch before we even consider letting him go. It’s going to break his heart, but this is really a terrible terrible idea. He gets winded walking from the bedroom to the kitchen.
@momofjandl just be sure it is H that is talking to his dad. They don’t need to hear bad news from DIL. Can he lie and say they only have tickets for the very few that are attending graduation? Is there a way to plan some kind of celebration with FIL at your next visit? Or can his doctor say the Texas heat and physical demands would be too much and nix the trip? I imagine H is also feeling sad about seeing his dad declining in his abilities. Peace and acceptance are sometimes hard to grasp.
Actually, the college graduations I have attended have done a great job accommodating frail grandparents via golf cart transportation, wheel chairs and priority seating.
Is it possible to have him attend the smaller department ceremony/convocation and not the stadiumwhole university event?
I feel for you momofJandL but I am putting Ds#1 on notice: I had to miss his graduation because it was the exact same time as DS#2s HS graduation several states away, so we had to divide and conquer. Ds#1 is getting married this year. I’ll probably be almost 85 at least by the time a kid would graduate from college but man I’d like to think I would attend if I could pull it off and not inconvenience others.
Colleges are good about arrangements for those with disabilities. I have to admit that at graduation, I wanted to focus on my kids, not tending the needs of frail elders.
If there were extended family members or a caregiver available to focus on elder, and it meant a lot to them to attend, that would have changed things. In our case, dementia and health limitations tipped the scale towards creating photo album gifts for the grandparents. It worked out very well. Neither of them could have managed the travel involved.
I think travelnut is exactly right. It’s one thing to have someone caring for the elder, but many times they don’t realize how much goes on around them to care for them, and they underestimate their stamina. I don’t think it’s selfish to want to enjoy your own child’s achievement .
