I’ve been having similar conversations with friends regarding frail grandparents attending our kids college graduations this Spring. I think it’s one thing if the college is within an hour or so of the Grandparent and just one ceremony, but it’s a very different event if it involves distance traveling, hotels and multiple meals out. Our son is graduating from a college seven hours from us, nine hours from my Mom and a flight from my in-laws. My in-laws are mobile, active and have no dining restrictions, except general food preference and they helped fund our son’s education. They are coming. My mother has mobility issues, hearing issues and eating problems. Our son’s college is limiting attendance and our son is bargaining with other students for an extra ticket. I told my Mom that as much as we would love to have her attend that it would be a huge effort for her and us. She agreed.
We went through this several years ago with our kids’ graduations. Both schools were several hours away and included other events besides graduation and several nights in a hotel. There were mobility issues as well. In the end, we felt it just wasn’t fair to the kids to have so much of their graduation weekend dictated by the needs of their grandparents. I had an upbeat, but frank talk with my parents and I think they were actually relieved to stay home. I think they felt an obligation to attend, but really weren’t up for it.
Since then, they have “attended” each grandchild’s graduation via live streaming of the event. They could see their grandchild get their diploma, hear the commencement speaker, and feel like a part of the event.
If FIL were able to clearly assess his physical limitations, and participate in the planning of accommodations that would make it safe and reasonably comfortable for him to attend, that would be one thing. Instead, he has an aversion to “causing anyone any trouble”, and a superhuman capacity for magical thinking. He just expects that if he wants it enough and tries hard enough it will all work out. Which means he would probably fall or collapse and then the whole focus for the weekend would be on him instead of the graduates.
DH knows this, but FIL is a stubborn old coot, and has never put up with any of his kids challenging him, so this may get a little ugly. But better a little ugly here instead of a lot ugly there.
The graduation will be live streamed. DS’s graduation was also live streamed, but FIL had computer problems and didn’t see it. Maybe we can get on of the BILs to go over and help him stream it.
The good news here is that my mom will not be attending, so we don’t have to deal with FIL thinking I put her ahead of DH’s family. My mom is much stronger physically and mentally than FIL, and has enough sense to know the graduation would be more than she could handle.
I was able to help my mom get a lot of travel in before her physical and mental limitations took over. I went on a trip with her to Switzerland after my dad passed. I arranged a group trip with her to Italy with people I knew, and she book-ended the trip at my house; that was the beginning of her physical and then mental decline. My siblings lived near her while I was many states away. My BIL got married, and my sibling put mom on a flight, and we took over from there - she had a great experience with us. Mom was at DisneyWorld with us after the Italy trip - again siblings put her on the flight and we did everything else. We realized after part of day 1 at Disney that we needed to get a wheelchair and we had to structure ‘choices’ for mom; DH was great with her - they even had a ‘dinner date’ while I took the kids to the night-time Halloween activities. My mother loved male attention! About 5 years before her death from dementia/Alzheimer’s was her last big trip, and that was with grandson being her travel companion. Decline was very evident at my sister’s wedding two years before her death. They took her to nephew’s wedding, a year later, but in hindsight she probably should have been home with a caretaker because she was almost not there mentally and the trip took a lot out of her.
Some HS graduations are more intimate than college graduations - it just depends. My brother graduated from UW-Madison, and his section of civil engineers stood up in the football stadium - not much to miss IMHO.
My BIL was able to bring H’s parents down for HS graduation, which we also celebrated some milestone anniversaries (of ours and of the grandparents).
As much as you want to be able to include grandparents, it depends on family assistance and how much the effort is based on the ‘payoff’. I also agree taking pictures and video can be ways to include those that cannot physically make it.
D’s graduation was also streamed live. She chose not to participate, so this problem didn’t arise for us. However, Mom is already agitating for D to get married so that she can attend the wedding 800 miles away.
Live streaming is a great option. This is how the grandparents ‘watched’ our most recent graduation ceremony. My husband was out of the country, so this is also how he watched it. It was perfect. I had to attend and frankly, it wasn’t all that pleasant. The audio in the facility was awful, so I missed quite a lot of what was being said. And it was hours long (it was for both undergradate grads and gradaute grads).
@MomofJandL, you are SO right about “better a little ugly here instead of a lot of ugly there”!
Seriously. That could be one of our mottos around here.
Good idea about getting a BIL to help him do the streaming.
Both grandparents were too old (late 80/90) and frail to even mention to them the HS (younger D) or college graduations (both). H and I were so excited and really it felt like it was our day as much as D’s day. I totally enjoyed every moment and would have been really upset to have to accommodate them. Very few times in my life I am selfish but this was one of them. Both were couple thousand miles away. We actually never mentioned the possibilty of going and they never asked. Probably relieved. Took pictures and sent them some and visited and showed them on the computer and a video.
When FIL was in his mid-late 80s we worked hard to create a wonderful weekend for them by taking them to watch DD play her university sport. We drove 500 miles and stayed in hotels & fed them, they sincerely enjoyed it, but they also managed to make D3 cry and seemed to forget quickly all the effort we made and the energy we devoted to them. It also ruined the weekend for us as it had to be all about them for the entire time. After that we became much more perspicacious in determining when to make things all about them. The graduation 45 minutes from their house, yes, the rest of them, no! It’s not worth it, we recall all the pain of that weekend, but they seem to not have carried forward any of the joy.
Thank you for that, @somemom. If D ever gets engaged, you’ve given me the framework for saying No to Mom (or foisting her onto one of my brothers, if they want to take on full-time attendant duty for the entire week/weekend).
It is important to keep the whole picture in mind, especially when needs are vast and demands/requests are high. Ironically, I found that most of the activities that involved excess indulgence of elders’ wishes to do what was for them essentially “extreme sports” (like hours of festivities), wound up being as wrong for them as it was for me.
In a funny way, being the sole caregiver (despite having 2 sibs) made it easier. I knew if anyone was going to miss my daughter receiving her diploma because Grandpa needed a 45 minute lavatory trip, it was going to me or my husband. No, just no.
I appreciate reading all the experiences here. They are particularly relevant when the decline has begun, but there are still pockets of possibility. Sometimes it’s truly better to keep some events off the table.
Just to update - the trip to Florida has been postponed. The “welcome wagon” has stopped by to tell mom about all the services available - the laundry, what day the cleaning service comes, happy hours on wednesday, a glenn miller cover band is playing friday, poker thursdays. They also get free admission to two local health clubs to use the pool. She went for her first meal alone in the dining room. When you walk in alone, they seat you with other residents. Sister took her to the doctor today and they went to the dining room for lunch where it was an old timers who’s who. Her previous neighborhood hoa was looking for her and the woman told her she was welcome back to use their pool and to the clubhouse parties. (mom has always enjoyed doing her “exercises” in the pool)
Mom is stronger than she’s been in quite some time. She’s able to get around and her medication is being monitored though it is making her furious. They bring by a pill caddy once a week with everything she needs morning, noon and night. Her narcotics are locked up and dispense by calling the nurse. She wants the bottles. She agrees now with her open wound it’s a good thing she’s delaying the trip. Friends and family can easily pop by for a meal with her or to just visit, either in her apartment or in the many sitting areas on the water in the building.
She walks every day to the rehab floor to visit everyone. Next up is to see if she would try taking the shuttle to the grocery stores.
I have literally gone from thinking she wasn’t going to survive the week to hoping she plays some poker and makes new friends.
@LasMa, I was nervous for months that they were going to try to come to D3’s wedding. They are just too old & frail to travel, not that they cannot get on a plane, but that it always ends badly, even a cruise from their local port has “surprising” complications! MIL was determined to come to the wedding and I thought she might wear FIL down and they would surprise us. For an event on three levels & outdoors, the wheelchair would not work and they would have ruined the day for DH.
Eyeamom- that makes my day! So relieved for you. Good to keep up the med monitoring, too.
Somemom and lasma- weddings are where the rubber hits the road. I flew my moderately demented father to a grandchild’s wedding with our family (nephew getting married) 7 years ago. Hairy edge of doable. Last big trip and the airport was unreal (please can he keep his shoes on, please? Or alternatively, we’ll fly out tomorrow.). Didn’t need to happen.
Eyemamom – what good news.
Fabulous update Eyemamom
Eyemamom, what a turnaround! Good news on all fronts!
I’m relieved to hear that others feel that it’s OK to draw a line at special occasion events/trips. Mom is a little more mobile than Dad was, but still. @travelnut - That would be Mom with the frequent and lengthy bathroom trips. And on the morning of my daughter’s wedding, I plan to be helping my D get dressed, not my mom. I feel like I’ve been a faithful and dutiful daughter to my parents, but on that day, I’m only going to be wearing one hat – MOB. Trying to figure out when to do Mom’s 3rd med pass of the day is NOT going to be on the schedule.
First, congrats to Eyemamon for a great transition for her mother. You try hard and do your best, but never know if if’s going to work out. Sounds like this is working out as well as could have been hoped.
Thanks to all for confirmation on my thoughts about elders and big events. The events are supposed to generate positive memories that keep families together. If our memory would be of spending the whole time minding the elder, and the elder’s memory is fading fast, maybe that’s a sign. I like the analogy to “extreme sports.”
DD is home for spring break. If graduation comes up with her GP I’ll coach her to be evasive and let dad be the bad guy. For one thing her job situation is up in the air, so we don’t know if we’ll be going down early or staying there late to move her, or where she will even be moving.
MomofJandL- Some colleges also have a limited number of graduation tickets and live stream as an alternative. My father’s dementia unit staff teaches the advantages of the “therapeutic fiblet” to avoid upset and make the situation work for all. Of course, this finessing is different than deciding to be unfair and manipulative with those who are well and could be reasonable about limitations.
If elders simply must go and can likely do it comfortably/safely , I would still ensure that they had a sure bet caregiver for the event. A gift to all!