Well, we just got back from an evening visit, and he didn’t bring it up, so that was good. I need to have more patience with them. I get too easily frustrated. It’s a combination of my being tired of having to deal with him being such a control freak and my annoyance that every conversation has to revolve around him. Discussing his funeral does not upset me, I just thought we had completed the conversation already. I am jealous of my sister who lives in Missouri and sees them twice a year. She does not have to deal with any of this. As they deteriorate, the knowledge that this is solely my burden is on my mind a lot. My husband will be helpful to a point, but he is constantly reminding me that he wants to enjoy his life without having every decision revolve around my elderly parents. I know everyone on this thread has variations of this situation - I’m just trying to find my way with this.
For folks whose parents have lost weight so the ring is too big, two of the alternatives I know are replacing the rings with less expensive imitations OR having balls put into the inside of the band so that it doesn’t twist to much. I’ve done the latter because my knuckle is MUCH larger than the base of my finger and the jeweler didn’t want the diamond to strike anything while the ring was twirling around my finger.
There are some nice CZ rings, more than the $25 price range, more like a few hundred dollars, but might be nice for the Mom mentioned above who did not have an dementia.
Visiting my mother this evening in assisted living. I did not tell her I was flying in to visit because she drives everyone crazy asking when , etc. She has mild to moderate dementia. I had for the first time ever cut my hair short recently and she did not remember me telling her that. She did not recognize me. Took several minutes before she got it. I think this is was what it will feel like to me down the road. Oh my, not a good feeling.
I have bought several nice CZ rings for $10-25, though have seen others in Macy’s, Sears & similar for under $100. I’m sure there are others for more. There are also some online at very reasonable prices, if you can figure out the correct ring size.
Rockville mom, I have to say, every conversation revolving around my dad drives me crazy. But then again, since dad can’t keep track of anything else, it’s the only thing we can have a conversation about. I think it bothers me because it reminds me of his baseline self focus (probably not narcissism but now wondering) of my childhood. But, that is my problem, not his. But every visit leaves me emotionally frustrated.
I hear you @GTalum - I know my mom is feeling back to herself when she’s back to her usual unappreciative, complaining self. We moved her into a very small apartment - probably 500 sq ft, but so well laid out and functional for her, it’s really perfect. She doesn’t sleep in her bed, which we bought a frame that is low to the ground so she can sit on it, and it has adjustable back and legs. I also bought her a la z boy recliner with remote control that’s like a cloud. Instead, she sits in her way too mushy gushy love seat we put in there, and I think she sleeps in it too just slumped over. I have no desire to control everything she does, but it’s certainly frustrating to set her up so well just to hear her complain about all the old people in the building, the size of the unit, how that waterfront view isn’t as nice as her last place, etc
She is getting more forgetful though. For instance her friend told her all about her trip she just took, she saw her the next day and asked if she ever went on the trip.
So tough to care for people who are historically complicated, mean, negative or ungrateful. Their age and health may put them in the “free pass” on behavior zone, but we know.
Hang in there!
Oh yes, the meaner some of them were, the meaner they get with age, losing filters. I am visiting in laws and just not impressed with how he handles aging, somehow he thinks that by holding on inappropriately and by his fingernails, to any autonomous activities, that that is worthy of respect. Nope! I respect my mother who knows her limits and lets go of what she cannot do well despite being sad to do so, that is far more worthy of respect. Today my head is exploding with the things I see.
I don’t know if this has been mentioned here but I am reading “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande. Wonderful and fascinating book about aging. It was recommended by a friend at work. I am only about halfway in and am already recommending it to my siblings and well as several friends also dealing with aging parents.
FallGirl, I haven’t read the book but Dr. Gawande narrates a profound TV program based on it:
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/being-mortal/
He is also a staff writer for The New Yorker magazine and his pieces are always illuminating.
http://www.newyorker.com/contributors/atul-gawande/all
@FallGirl, Being Mortal was mentioned earlier in this thread or on another CC thread. I really enjoyed the book and have suggested it to some friends. I especially enjoyed reading about the the history of how our culture went from poorhouses to nursing homes to assisted living. DH and sibs moved MIL to assisted living about 8 months ago. MIL has adjusted, but she is really reluctant to join in on any of the activities offered. So except for dinner, where she has a set group that she eats with, she stays in her little apartment all day.
After reading Being Mortal, DH and I asked MIL if there some things that she missed doing or places she missed going to, giving specific examples. The only suggestion that got any spark from her was to get 3 of us together to play a certain card game that she enjoys. 2 sister-in-laws and I finally made that happen last week. She loved it! We played for hours in one of the common areas on her floor, so not in her unit. MIL wanted to know if we can play cards every week. I’ll admit that I also enjoyed this kind of visit more that sitting in her overly warm unit making small talk with her. Point being, that this book stimulated the conversation with her, and such a small thing brought such joy to her. Yes, we will be playing cards with her again, but maybe not every week since it requires three of us being available.
My in-laws love playing cards - 4 handed (or more) bid Eucre. My mother also loved playing Eucre, but her last time to in-laws, her dementia was more evident. That was a couple of years before her death. We love to play cards with them, but have to be careful because FIL gets owl-y if he is not on a winning team. Have to be careful on dialog, almost walking on egg shells.
@SOSConcern – Is it possible to seed the cards to give him a better set to play? (I’ll admit to seeding Candyland to put some of the loopback cards like Plumpy toward the front of the stack so that the game would actually end in some reasonable time…but that’s just between us 
)
Fortunately MIL played very well, but she didn’t win at all. She didn’t care and was just happy to have the company of family and be playing her favorite game. There was one occasion when she failed to follow suit, but we just said it wouldn’t have affected the outcome anyway.
MIL plays with me an FIL plays with H - so H can keep him jovial. H will play as competitively as possible, so that calms FIL. However if we get all the cards, then we just mix him a nice stiff drink. 
I maybe should have tried the drink approach with D when she was 3, @sosconcern. I like that idea.
Oh my, oh my, ooh my
After a rough & emotional morning which started with us leaving the house at 6:30AM as we always do to get some exercise, and which then proceeding to have us discover FIL gone when we arrived home at 8AM. According to MIL he was driving around looking for us because he did not know where we were! Never mind that we discussed 3-4 times the prior evening that we would all meet up at 10AM for a particular activity, even without that & even if he forgot we go exercise, why would he think he could drive around and find us?
He was panicked and a bit vulnerable. The good news is that we visited the assisted living place and are taking MIL in the morning for an evaluation. Everyone send good thoughts that she gets AL & not skilled nursing! We could have the both moved in within two months (two different care levels & rooms)
somemom, that’s a scary morning. (((((hugs!)))))
somemom- sending good thoughts for the best answers going forward.