Mkmofjandl …that is heartbreaking. My first thought was uti as well. I know I have had dreams soon after someone I love died about it all being a mistake. Waking up to the reality was awful again. It’s one thing to feel her presence, another to actually look for her. I hope they can help him.
Oh I hope they figure it out. I do agree oxygen level could be playing a part. I’m sure they will put a pulse ox on him first thing in the ER.
Up until this was he at all showing any dementia signs?
In order to have several doctors to confirm regarding Hospice for my mother (who had dementia) my brother was instructed to take her through the ER. They thought she had a gall bladder infection, so several days of IV antibiotics at the hospital and discharge to hospice at home. Went home on Thursday and died with my two siblings there at bedside on Monday. Brother was there throughout and sis was there since Friday. Her breathing became shallow on Sunday.
It may be in your area, that several doctors can evaluate through an ER visit (and if appropriate to admit him, or what care after ER he should be going).
OK then. DH just called from the ER, they are headed home. No medical issues, and the psychiatrist said this is normal grieving behavior. He does have an appointment set up next week with (I think) a psychiatrist.
I’ll talk to DH later, he is going to take his dad home and have dinner with him, but this seems way off. I can understand “feeling her presence”, even hearing her voice now and then, but if he can believe it is in any way possible that she revived after being carried out of the house, and is now physically inhabiting the house (and moving around quite a bit better than she did for the last couple of years if she made it to the garage and basement on her own) then that tells me his ability to remember and reason is way off. But what do I know?
Others have posted on this thread about not arguing facts with dementia patients, and I’d be ok with letting him believe she might still be alive if he were in a controlled environment. As it is, he still drives, lives alone, manages his own medical appointments, etc. Will not accept in-home helpers.
Maybe this is just a quirky family I’ve married into, and it’s all perfectly normal. Breathe. Every family is different, and that’s ok.
Good that there is psychiatric follow up. The Dr may have suggestions for how to be supportive. I’d want to have more points of contact in the interim, to understand what is happening, listen and attempt a little engagement in other routine things.
It might be interesting to read a bit about complicated grief. Symptoms of it overlap with those of “normal” grieving; concern occurs around duration and intensity of symptoms, as well as how much they interfere with other aspects of life. Six months post-loss the expectation is that the grief is beginning to somewhat decrease in intensity; he is at the edge of the timeframe generally considered within the usual one to see some movement. Six months doesn’t seem so long in the world of grief, yet the nature of his behavior is concerning to those around him and great to have supports to help him move forward.
Of course, keeping an eye on his health overall is be important. Distressing to see someone in this state and glad he has follow up.
My dad had a medication reaction at one point and went to the neighbors looking for my mom. It was really sad. Hope your dad clears, momofjandl.
momofjandl, do I recall that you are outside the decision-making process for your FIL and his children? It must be very difficult for your husband and you if your FIL is putting himself at risk and his children are having trouble getting their act together on the best path toward making him comfortable and safe. Best of luck with that.
@momofJandL that is very sad and very concerning. Though I recall having some amusing dreams about my Dad being ‘back’ and puttering around the basement shortly after his passing, I would never consider going to look for him part of normal grieving. Good luck in the days to come.
I haven’t posted here in quite a while. Two years ago I got my mother moved into the memory care wing of an assisted living facility. It was stressful for all involved, but I was relieved she was safe and well cared-for.
The time has come for another move, this time to a nursing home. Exactly which one will depend on openings. I’m sure many of you know that drill. I do have one specific worry and question though. I’m worried about her wedding and engagement rings. They’re very loose - she’s lost 20 pounds in 2 months, and she’s going to get a lot more ‘hands on’ care in a nursing home. She won’t want to give them up, but she also wouldn’t want them to go into some aide’s pocket instead of to me and eventually my daughter.
Any suggestions on how to handle that? The dementia has progressed so that she knows I’m related to her, but not how.
12dandelion, I am so sorry.
Perhaps you can take them from her, telling her it’s for a procedure she will have, and have them sized? My daughter had a ring sized about a year ago and it didn’t take long at all. And/or take one at a time and see how much she misses them?
For the last 5 years of her life, at least once a week my stepmother (who was married to my dad for 30 years and who I saw a couple of times a week) said to me, “You’re so good to us! Could you explain how we know you?” But I think it would have stung a lot more if she were my parent who raised me.
12 dandelion- when my father went to a dementia unit for skilled nursing we were advised to send no valuables as he could mislay them or another resident inadvertently pick them up. I gave him a “decoy” wallet, put in a few photos and cards that were meaningless, but allowed him to keep his routine of checking that it was in his pocket every day.
You may be able to replace them with similar inexpensive rings, so that she keeps her routine and the sentimental pieces are safe. Sorry for your circumstances and best with the transition.
Could you replace the rings with similar costume ones? Would she notice a difference? If so then I would try the angle of her letting you hold them for safekeeping.
thanks @oldmom4896 @travelnut and @surfcity. I like the costume jewelry replacement idea. I’m not sure if she’d notice. She’s lost so much weight her diamond is always turned around on her finger anyway - slipped around so it’s on the palm side of her hand. And I’m sure her vision has deteriorated too, so a replacement might not be noticed. Now it’s just negotiating getting them off in the first place.
Forgetting that I am her daughter does not sting nearly as much as when Mom thinks I’m my sister. That’s a whole other kettle of spoiled fish, but I’ll keep it short and just say sister only shows up for funerals so she can garner some sympathy. But everyone who matters - my friends and our cousins - knows the situation and won’t fall for her histrionics. I have Mom to worry about now, not her.
12dandelion, so sorry about the sister confusion. Many of us have difficult situations with siblings and that kind of deficit on your mother’s part can really sting.
My dad made it his mission to take care of my stepmother because he knew that her son would put her into “a home,” which, of course, said son did, taking her to his home state when my dad died. The son told me, “She keeps asking for Papa. Her father has been dead for 100 years!” He couldn’t put 1+1 together and realize that his mother was asking for my dad. Oh well, she died a few months after he did.
Just want to add that grief isn’t linear, it ping pongs. At 6 months, eg, many have yet to get past birthdays, anniversaries or family events. I think the line is how fast they can catch themselves and snap back. It might be one thing to head for the basement, but another to actually be down there for a while.
Do any of you have parents who are obsessed with their own funeral arrangements? My 84 yo father is not in good health - but that has been the case for years. He is the ultimate control freak - and now it is all about his funeral. I had a lengthy sitdown with him and my mother just a few months ago - went through everything. He even wrote his own eulogy! Now, he wants to review some details again, and I am refusing to indulge his constant need for every conversation to revolve around him. They have very few living friends and very few living relatives nearby. Maybe the funeral would be 30 people? Who knows. Anyone else dealing with this?
I agree that there are a lot of nice costume jewelry rings that are very reasonably priced–$10-25 (in any case under $100) that look quite real and allow you to safeguard the valuables and be easily replaced as needed. They could be purchased in a size that better fits her finger and not spin around so much. You can tell her they were re-sized.
My Mom has a similar ring problem, but she doesn’t have any memory loss problems. She’s lost weight and her rings are loose enough that she’s concerned about losing them but knows that if she had them made smaller no one would be able to wear them. Right now they fit both my sister and me. I like the idea of getting less expensive substitutes that she would be happy to wear. It is a funny feeling not to wear a ring when you are so used to it.
rockvillemom, maybe it’s best to decide what’s worse: refusing to participate in these conversations, or going along.
My stepmother became obsessed with her purse which, of course, contained nothing whatsoever of value. My dad kept telling her that there was nothing in it, until I finallly convinced him that it gave her so much comfort to carry it that it was better to indulge her about it. After that, he often mentioned the purse before she did, and she really appreciated his concern for her delusion.
On the other hand, of course, if it really bothers you to talk with him about his funeral, maybe you don’t play along.
But since he won’t be able to enjoy his funeral, what’s the harm of indulging his preview, unless it’s really bothersome to you?
rockvillemom, I don’t have anyone dealing with this, it sounds tedious. My aunt used to like to plan everyone else’s funeral as well as her own, but she’s gone now. Can you redirect him as you would a child? It sounds like he doesn’t feel like he has much else to plan for. My friend used to call it sitting out on the curb with your bag packed. Maybe he needs a project, if he is mentally and physically up for one. Sorting and labeling pictures, with stories about the people in them? Figuring out the current value of his coin collection?
FIL is back home and since his physical health checked out we’ll keep stopping in to check on him, but no changes planned.
Rockvillemom are you more upset that your dad wants to keep talking about his funeral or because he is being self-centered? Your last post seemed to indicate you were frustrated by him needing everything to revolve around him. If that’s the case, I guess you can not indulge him and just change the subject if he’s being stubborn or narcissistic. If he’s just old and obsessive and fixated on his funeral (since so much else may seem out of his control) then distracting him or at least letting him have five minutes on it before you change the subject might be the way to go.