Vyse, remember to have the appropriate witness (?Notary) in place before Grandma signs the POA.
Wishing you all the best.
@vyse in my experience the county Office of the Aging was very helpful. They even had some lawyers who would do home visits to get POA and health care proxy forms in place. I hope they are similarly helpful in your area. I am in upstate NY.
You have probably heard about DNR and the newer DNI (do not intubate) forms. After my mother’s most recent visit to the ER, there is a MOLST form in place. MOLST stands for medical order for life-sustaining treatment. It is pretty comprehensive and specific. You may want to look for one online, if only to open the conversation with your mom, grandmother and uncle. My form is from the New York State Department of Health, but I assume other states have similar forms, maybe also available online.
Good luck on this journey.
Yea, MOLST and similar have been adopted in most states and should be in medical file + electronic medical record to be effective and notify all providers of appropriate care.
I’ll look into it. I’m not sure that my grandmother would go for a DNR or a DNI, and I would feel guilty if I mentioned it to her and inadvertently persuaded her while she’s in a state of less than perfect mental acuity. I don’t think she regrets the fact that the doctor saved her life and left her in a dependent state, and I know that nobody resents that it happened. But everybody has their limits; I know I would never want to be “alive” in a strictly clinical sense only. My fear is that another stroke/traumatic accident could put my mom in a position to have to “pull the plug”. Considering my mom had what I believe was a nervous breakdown once before several years ago, and the fact that–and I don’t mean to be offensive to anyone–I think she’s the type of person who would pray for a miracle, I’m really hoping she’s never put into this position.
Let’s file this under no good deed goes unpunished. During the move debacle into the new apartment my mom would not make a decision, offer an opinion or do anything whatsoever to tell us her wishes moving into her new place. She’s so frail and hunched over with osteoporosis she wasn’t even sleeping in her bed. It was too high. Since it couldn’t fit well in her new place we got her, with her blessing at the time, a new bed frame that lifted the head and feet with a new mattress in a full size so she could still have her end tables.
She called me the other day that she wanted to replace it. It’s past the 21 days for returns. She thought I had purchased the bed, I didn’t pay for it, we just went and picked it out and my sis and her hubby went to their store to see it. We all laid in it. Once she heard she actually paid for it she’s going to make it work. I think it’s just different, and she doesn’t like different. She’s slept in it once and sleeps instead in her chair.
I don’t know anyone more stubborn and aggravating than her. She’s not even giving it a chance. We said if she didn’t like the head being raised, just use the remote and lay it flat. After being told a thousand times it adjusted she didn’t realize she could lay it flat…sigh
I am tired of doing tax prep work. First I sat with S over his break to show him how to do his 1040. That was easy. Then I had to gather all our stuff and run my own reports for our accountant. This week I had to go thru all the files for my late MIL to send her accountant the info to complete her return. Finally today I went thru my folks’ files to gather up their records to meet with their tax preparer. Fortunately I started taking over their finances in the middle of 2014 so the files are halfway good. Just need to figure out where dad squirreled away some tax receipts.
And due to his brain injury, every single phone call he asks me at least three times, “gosh (surf city) we have to do something about the taxes, it’s almost April!” And every time I tell him I have a folder of all the records. I might actually print a photo of me with the files, in case his brain is able to remember a visual better than an oral message.
eyemamom - your bed story made me chuckle in sympathy. M-i-l has slept sitting in a beat up recliner for years. When we moved her from her condo to her independent living apartment, she insisted on bringing a twin bed from her guest room with her - for a guest I suppose. While in rehab - she seemed to like the hospital bed and the way it sat up, adjusted, etc. and thought she might like to have something like that. Moved her into AL - and she changed her mind - the worn recliner went with her. It’s crammed into the tiny bedroom along with the “guest” twin bed. Long since given up on rational decisions.
surfcity - also enjoyed your comment. My father is one of the last people in the country to do his taxes by hand on paper forms and mail them in. Every year - a litany of complaints about getting the paper forms - they are not available in the libraries anymore - and apparently “the idiots in Washington” don’t mail them to a household unless you call and request. Then, once he gets the paper forms, it’s days of complaints about the complexity of certain calculations. I repeatedly offer to do his taxes online - his response is no - this is how he likes to do it!
I used to have the convo with my grandmother- she genuinely preferred the sofa. I think we talked about that earlier and some others agreed. A sofa usually has great back support and somehow you can feel nestled. A lounge chair, no, I don’t get that either. Can’t really move. Or sleep on your side, unless you contort.
My dad slept in a recliner for the last year of his life. Whatever works!
Sympathy and hugs to all dealing with difficult parent/elderly situations.
Surfcity, I am tired of doing everyone’s taxes as well. But, since my folks have been generous about letting me take over financial oversight, I am not complaining. I told S1 he would need to do his own taxes and I got a blank look when I asked him if he had his W2. Hopefully he will figure it out.
I wanted to change my parent’s POA (medical and legal) and will (living and personal) to have a new secondary since my brother’s death (I am primary and my brother was secondary on all forms) but realized my parent’s really aren’t competent to make such decisions. We will just have to carry on as is. Even if I could get a lawyer to recognize them as competent, I wouldn’t feel comfortable.
GTalum, that’s such a lonely feeling. I’m so sorry.
GTalum, I know what you mean about taxes. I got Mom’s to her tax lady a while ago and have heard nothing back. I did ours, but DH hasn’t done the final check. DD (and her BF) came over to use our Turbo Tax and did theirs. (Grad fellowships are C O M P L I C A T E D as far as I could see, mixed tuition, and stipend for living and looked like it was double dipped on the 1098) And DS is to come today to do his.
I also struggle (a little) with the letting Mom sign her taxes like you are with trying to get new POA’s. I know she isn’t competent (had her declared so when I got the guardianship). But the IRS makes it so HARD to give me use of the guardianship. They WILL NOT accept the form I send giving me permission to sign for her. The tax lady had a POA for taxes that is only good for 2 years so wont be good this year. I debate taking Mom to her office and signing another 2 year POA or doing it right and dueling with the IRS. Doesn’t help that there are no offices anywhere anymore. The wait at our nearest one is horrendous.
In other news and worries, Mom had a toenail fungus I saw last time I was up. So I thought it would be a good excuse to get her more attention and touch and asked the on-site manicure lady to give her a pedicure and she does foot soaks for toenail issues. So they started that. And then last Sun, Mom says her toe is so sore and has pus coming out of it. I told her to go show the on-site (8 to 5) RN. Called the next day and she didn’t think the RN looked at it (I don’t think she remembered to go see the RN). Called the RN to tell her to please look at it. No reply. Called Tuesday to say WHAT the HECK? Go see her toe. RN had said she was never to be found in her room. WHY the aids who find her 4 times a day to give her pills couldn’t look at it I have no idea. Finally, Tuesday late, the RN found her and looked at it and yes, infected ingrown or hangnail. Off to the Dr. on Wed who removed the toenail. Mom is telling all and sundry that he cut off her toe, but she isn’t going to have her foot cut off. (I think she is afraid of that because long ago when she lived with and took care of Grandma, grandma got gangrene in her leg while she had Alzheimers so far along she didn’t speak anymore. Mom had to make the decision to have the leg removed which meant that Grandma had to be tied in bed because she always forgot she didn’t have a leg and kept jumping out of bed and falling down.) So it goes. I wish again that I could get Mom closer to family so that someone could have seen the problem sooner and gotten it fixed sooner. But moving is a whole other set of issues to overcome as well.
And my brother’s whole family, including my Dad who lives with them, had the terrible flu. Dad tossed up his wine and scared my bro, who thought it was blood at first glance. Yikes!
We get through as best we can, Kudos to everyone doing the best they can and know it is really all you can do. We can’t do this perfectly.
That is a dilemma, Esobay. I’m lucky my mom’s memory issues are minor so far. I just finished her taxes yesterday. One kid down one to go. Ours will be extended.
I was about to come and tell you all how fabulous my mom is doing…then I found out she has snuck back to her old doctor - who totally sucks - for a uti, but while she was there got her to prescribe her more pain meds. She’s supposed to be having her facility dispense her meds and be seeing the much better in house doctor. An aide actually saw the meds, tattled on her and they had a board meeting about her non compliance. Since she’s in a more independent apartment they can’t do anything about it.
My sister called the offending doctors office today - of course the numbskull doctor wouldn’t get on the phone but she said to the assistant - mom is at the CCRC and they are dispensing her medication. When you prescribe medication it is supposed to be forwarded to nurse ratchett and dr j. The assistant said - we know her meds, it’s fine. Sis nearly screams…no you don’t …she sees a cardiologist who adjusted her lasix and her bp medicine. You are not her doctor of record - tell the doctor to talk to dr j, and do the right thing and step down! You are responsible for my mother being addicted to oxy, and if I see another prescription out of this office I’m calling the police. I have medical power of attorney and you must stop seeing her.
sigh…my mom is addicted to oxy and has a doctor willing to write scripts willy nilly.
My mom is so stubborn and such a drug seeker she’d rather have the control of her meds and end up a lump on the couch again then to let anyone help her.
Eyemamom – who pays the drug-dealing doctor? If you have control of your mom’s accounts, I’d send the doctor a copy of your medical power of attorney and a formal letter advising him that he will not be paid for any additional “treatment” that has not be pre-authorized by you. I’d also call the pharmacy and alert them.
Has eyemamom’s mother been declared incompetent? If she is still deemed competent, she is allowed to get her own medical treatment.
ARGH!!! How irritating!
So sorry, Eyemanmon. If your mom is a drug seeker, I am concerned about withdrawal. Does she still have posession of the oxy?