@bookreader makes a great point about sibling solidarity. Nothing is more discouraging or undermining for the sibling who is doing all the work than being sniped at by the do-nothing siblings. And of course the parents, like toddlers, are adept at playing the sides against each other and getting what they want, usually to the detriment of the sibling who’s stepped up.
Sibling solidarity isn’t possible in every case, but it’s a goal that can be worked toward. My far-away brothers have been fantastic for moral support, for listening to rants, and for visiting when they can. I do the vast share of the actual work, but I’ve put them on the hook for – at the very least – reading my sometimes lengthy emails. They cannot skate out of helping with decision-making (“Do what you think is best” doesn’t fly with me at all. Too much possibility for second-guessing down the line. Everyone has to make their views known, and we try to reach consensus from there.) The farthest brother (who also shows the most reluctance to be involved) is tasked with managing the big-picture financial stuff, because that’s his area of expertise and he can do it comfortably from home, so distance is no excuse on that one. When we were making difficult medical decisions a couple of years ago, and I had reached the point of being comfortable with the doctor’s recommendation but the brothers hadn’t, I put the ball in their court to get more information if they needed it (Thanks, CC friends, for the help and support with that one!).
It’s a hard adjustment for everyone when the parents start needing to be parented. We adult kids have had decades of not having to worry about them, and we’re often in a busy stage of our own lives. It’s an uncomfortable new phase for everyone, and the natural inclination for many adult children is to deny the problem and/or let someone else take care of it if at all possible. But may I suggest that you and your H start thinking along these lines regarding the siblings: “These are your parents too. Let’s figure out what all the jobs are, and divvy them up.” Your H may still end up with the bulk of the duties, but his siblings should be doing what they can – not want to – CAN. At a minimum, there should be frequent and detailed communication. They should not be allowed to forget that this is a big new FAMILY responsibility and everyone needs to pitch in in some way.
Can I tell you all how much I love this thread? Hearing the comment several times about elderly eating you alive really connected with me and mad em feel okay having to put limits on things.
Interesting, GT alum. Makes sense that isolation, particularly when paired with vulnerability, would be stressful. I wonder if keeping engaged with others is not only good for quality of life, but also for “brain exercise”. I think it has helped my father with dementia to have lots of opportunities for conversation. Despite extreme memory loss, he has retained an ability to socialize, express gratitude to the staff and make jokes. He has been in a continuing care facility for 10 years. Having age peers to spend time with also has many benefits. I think the built-in community aspect of care facilities is a huge plus, especially as people are not able to drive. When health fails, people stop making plans, as they never know if they’ll be up for going. Such issues are minimized when you can just meet someone for dinner on-site.
Thank you for the last couple of posts. This further cements my idea that moving my folks to senior living will actually improve their quality of life. It’s emotionally such a hard thing to do but I have to keep moving forward.
My dad and stepmother greatly benefitted from contact with the live-in aides they had during their last year at home. (My dad died at the end of that year, and my stepmother was then moved to a memory care unit and died a few months later.) Although they were just aides, they really helped draw dad and stepmom out, despite the fact that stepmother was pretty far gone with Alzheimer’s and my dad wasn’t the client. Not to say that moving them wouldn’t have resulted in more socialization; no way to know. But adding another person to their household, even though my dad hated the idea, opened their horizons a lot.
Just discovered one of those blessed and GIFTED BEINGS- her name is TEEPA SNOW.
Yesterday I watched her 2 1/2 hours of training you tube clips, filmed in Naples, Florida.
Her explanation of the brain, dementias ( 90 different kinds she claims)" how the eyesight becomes tunnel vision, and most importantly, her hands on, tips and techniques for dealing with dementia is astounding.
If you have someone with dementia in your life, this is without a doubt, Life changing, and you will want all the care partners dealing with your loved ones to have this training- who to help someone toilet, is brilliant.
Yes, psych momma, teepa snow’s technigues are applicable for home care- when the headline topic says " visiting" the family member- they are techniques for " interaction" wherever !
Great article arabab. I was thinking as I visiting CCRC for my folks that I wish these communities could somehow encompass people of all ages. How wonderful would it be for there to be kids on site to interact with the elders?
The closest thing I know of around here are Camphill Villages but they are designed for people with developmental disabilities. A really cool place to live for certain families.
Great articles/videos: thanks SouthJerseyChessMom, arabab, and 1518mom. So much to be learned as we navigate all the ambiguities. The NYT financial article is interesting, as it focuses on early warning signs of decline that can make one financially vulnerable. Helpful in organizing our own affairs, even as we help our elders.
I do hope that the number of options for care increases as our generation ages; it seems the process of de-institutionalizing can have many contexts. I find it refreshing to read about atmosphere and quality of care relationships, rather than just physical plant features and other amenities. In my observation, all the koi ponds and croquet greens in the world are meaningless if you don’t feel any warmth from those looking out for you day to day.
Cheers to those on the front lines of developing more home-like places for those in need of assistance.
My mom is now obsessed with the food if she has to go back to the rehab floor. There is no indication she needs to in the first place. I’m sure the rehab floor has to follow guidelines of nutrition. She’s literally all day every day about it. No talking to her gets her to stop. From what she’s said I gather it’s been a discussion at the dinner table with the other residents. We keep just saying mom, if you go back there we’ll figure something out. We’ll order you food and bring you food. She’s just nutty obsessed with it. She’s now gone from loving the rehab floor - where she got a private room at a double room price, all the care and attention in the world to acting like it’s a prison and that everyone hates it.
One thing I read about in bogleheads.org this morning is to notify all 3 credit bureaus when there is a death so that people won’t fraudulently use the ID of the deceased. Just wrote an email to the executor asking whether he’s notified the credit bureaus of 3+ years ago death or wants me to do so.
eyeamom- is this your mother’s way of being part of the social scene there? It does sound crazy making, but perhaps just agreeing that it would be hard to be somewhere and not like the food will help wind down the tape. If it is relevant to her situation, I can say that for my father who has had a protracted, but slow downhill course with memory issues (not traditional Alzheimer’s, but some form of dementia), that his ability to generate conversation independently diminished as time went on. He, at 90, can pick up a conversational track that is handed to him, though we have spent each visit having virtually the same conversation for years. It is not confused, may have humor and is socially appropriate, yet it lacks depth and much spontaneity. I bring up other topics and help him connect the dots, but he has his wheel house and we visit it often.
Your mother’s misperceptions are understandably aggravating, though these repetitive conversations may be a good thing in terms of keeping her part of her dinner table group. People with cognitive issues may lose the ability to track their own history accurately. My father’s memory care staff has helped by letting me know that I don’t have to expend energy keeping him “on track” constantly. They are big on the smile, nod and move on approach. It has liberated me.
