I relate to some of those comments . . . even though I’m only the DIL, I have felt pressure from extended family members to ‘do more’. I have been able to set healthy boundaries (most of the time) and do what I can reasonably do for MIL whom I love dearly, but if my own parents hit this stage I’m not sure it will be as clear cut. It’s easier to have your buttons pressed when it’s your own original nuclear family.
Yes, my SisIL cared for her dad in her home after my MIL died. She was also running her full time dental practice at the time. She was single and we were raising our two young children and BIL was raising his two young kids as well.
So sorry for what your Dad had to go through @rhandco. I have been the caregiver for my Mom for years now. Up until recently she was able to live in her own home near me with 2 part time caregivers. With a recent bout of hospital and skilled nursing stays since Christmas, it became clear that she could no longer be left at alone. We did a 30 day trial in a large assisted living facility last year, but with her increased medical needs that is not economically feasible. She did not do well there anyway. She ended up sitting in her room most of the time with no social activity.
After her sudden release from a skilled nursing facility a few weeks ago, I was scrambling to find help. It has become overwhelming for me to manage the schedules, conflicts and payroll for full time in-home caregivers. Added on to handling her finances and home management, I was missing a lot of work, getting calls in the middle of the night and was always overwhelmed and exhausted. I was lucky enough 2 weeks ago to find a room in a private board and care home near me. It is a regular house that has been made ADA compliant. She has her own room with a sliding glass door that opens to the back yard. I placed her bird bath and feeders outside her window and moved a few of her own things in to make it homey. There are always at least 2 caregivers for the house plus “roving” assistants that go between this and one other home. They do EVERTHING! She enjoys the other 4 residents and is on a regular schedule for the first time in years. She is eating healthy meals with others, playing card games, getting outside a lot and is doing the best I have seen her in a long time. The day I took her, she told me she would never talk to me again if I left her- it was so hard! By the end of the first week she was no longer upset, and yesterday told me it was a good move to make. The owner communicates with me on a regular basis, lets me know immediately of any issues and always calls back right away. It is a beautiful home and we are treated like family when we visit. I feel the most relaxed I have in years- well at least I will once I have finished going through her home and selling it. I am sleeping through the night without worrying about getting a call at 2 AM that she called 911 to report the house next door was on fire (she was dreaming and I showed up to find 5 fire engines in her street). I have been trying to find a workable option for years and am so happy that she is now safe and happy.
@takeitallin, sounds like you’ve found a great place for your mom! Selling her home should help bring in funds to help pay for her care as well.
Both of my in laws spent their last six months in a B&C and it was a much better pace than the SNF. I do wish @takeitallin, that I had thought to put his hummingbird feeders outside his window, he would have liked that. Great idea for your mom to have the bird stuff.
Wonderful @takeitallin. It sounds like a great place.
This thread is so long that I’ve only read some of the posts and am not sure if this is even the right place to vent/ask for advice. If not, perhaps someone could point me to another thread. Here goes.
I have two living (married) parents who left a big city 10+ years ago to live in what was supposed to be their dream home. They ran out of money while building and while it’s mostly finished, some important things are not. For example, the garage never did get built which means their car is frequently buried in snow. As you folks that live up north know, it’s not just the car, but the area between the house and the car and the path from the car to the plowed driveway. Winters are rough. They’re both in their mid-70s.
The main floor of their house has all the living space they would need, but frequent trips to the basement are also required and those stairs are treacherous. They lose power frequently in winter and someone has to get down those stairs and outside to start up the generator so they’ll have water and the necessary power - fridge and stuff. Mom can’t really do that herself and Dad is now using a walker. From what I can tell, that might not work much longer either. This past winter, he was the one getting the snow off the roof with a nifty tool that lets him do it from the ground, but still. I visited them in Thanksgiving and watching him get around was frightening. Unsteady on his feet and frequently had to catch himself to keep from falling. How he managed to stand on a slippery deck to get the snow off the roof is still a mystery to me.
Point is, they are barely managing the house now and if my dad isn’t able to walk anymore, I can’t imagine what they’ll do. Mom can get around much, much better than dad, but as is so often the case, she doesn’t know how to do the things he knows how to do. They’ve both got other health issues that require trips to the doctor on what seems to be a monthly basis. Those trips take between 45 and 90 minutes each way. Dad relies on Mom to drive.
They may make it another five years or ten years or only one. It’s hard to tell. They aren’t healthy and fit 75-year-olds. Add to that, they are on what appears to be very unstable financial footing. I can only guess because they have never, ever shared any information with me about their finances. I think they lost a huge chunk of their nest egg in the financial collapse. Dad thinks he can do everything better. Knows more than any doctor, financial advisor, repairman, you name it. Everyone else is dumb. Mom has let some things slip over the years, like the fact that they took a reverse mortgage on the house and she often mentions how expensive things are. Gift giving stopped because she can’t afford it. I’ve wanted her to stop giving us gifts for years because we have too much stuff already. Worse though was when she told me she was polishing the family silver for the auctioneer. Didn’t mention they were auctioning off things though. I can’t tell if it was just an accidental slip up or her way of letting me know. She’s weird that way. On my most recent visit I noticed that there wasn’t anything of value left at the house. The paintings were gone from the walls. I would have bought the silver and the paintings had I known they were going to sell them. The paintings especially because I loved them. I didn’t ask her about it because I didn’t want her to lose face. [will continue in next post because I’m not sure how long one of these posts can be.]
Heide, right thread for support. I can’t add anything right now, but welcome. And hugs.
cont.
Recap: Parents have little to know money but I don’t really know how bad it is because they are more than private - they’re secretive. Dad’s paranoid that other people will know his business. Just trust me on this one. In poor health and live far from medical facilities where, apparently, most of the doctors are dumb anyway. The house isn’t appropriate for elderly people with mobility issues. I live 16 hours away by car. I can fly cheaply but have to rent a car when I visit as they lease theirs and I can’t drive it. I have never driven one of their cars, by the way. Never. And in 30+ years of driving I’ve had one small fender bender (I was 18).
Here’s the part where I’m going to get flamed: I don’t like my parents. They were mean parents who made me and my brother feel like excrement. And they told us so outright. Yup, I’m a piece of poop. Just imagine any mean thing you could say to your kid and I probably heard it. I’ve done a better job recovering from their parenting because my in-laws were the most amazing people and they parented me whole, so to speak. (I married at 20 - still married, btw.). My brother hasn’t ever really recovered. He just started speaking to them again after a 4 year break.
My brother will not help my parents as they age. This is already so long, so I won’t go into all the reasons, but I truly understand where he’s coming from and accept it. I’ve kept in contact with them and taken my son to see them almost every year. They have visited us once in the past 15 years. Spent two nights with us but it was such a hardship because they felt bad about having their cats in kennel. (They didn’t want anyone (not even a close friend) to go into their house to care for the cats.)
I do not want to give up my life to take care of my parents. I do not want to move to a small village in coastal Maine because they can’t make it on their own. I do not want to support them financially either. I’ve been kind to them over the years because my in-laws showed me that kindness is always the better path. I don’t have any feelings for my parents. They’re just two old people. I try to be kind to any old people I come into contact with. They were truly horrible to us. Emotionally and on rare occasions physically. Even as an adult I feared being around them because I never knew when they would explode and start yelling and screaming about some bizarre thing. Welcome back PTSD. About the time I reached 30 something changed. All my feelings for them died. I didn’t care anymore what they said. It couldn’t hurt me. I could just walk away (as long as I had that safety net of a rental car, that is.)
My parents are some of the smartest people I know. Dad is a brilliant engineer and did amazing things in his career. Mom’s smart too, though she’s slowly losing it. Point is, they were smart enough to know the consequences for what they did - both financially and in regards to their child rearing methods. They put themselves in the situation they’re in now. I do not want to bail them out. They have done nothing for me or my brother once we left home. Not even willingly watched their grandchild so I could go out to a movie. I never asked her to babysit again.
I have tried over the last few years to ask them about their wishes. Do they have a will? What do they want me to do when they die? I’ve told them I do not want to be executor of their estate (there will be nothing left in it, but that’s beside the point.) Years ago they told me they wanted to leave their estate to the grandchildren in trust. There’s nothing to leave now, but I told them I would counsel my son to walk away from that. My brother resents me because my parents told him over and over that he was a loser compared to me. (Of course they told me that I was the loser, so go figure.)
For those of you still reading, I’m sorry this is so dreadfully long. I guess I just want to hear if there are any other people out there who aren’t willing to sacrifice to go take care of their parents? I know others will think there’s an obligation no matter what. But am I really alone in having decided to proceed with a “you made your bed, now lie in it” attitude?
I’m not totally heartless. When my mother-in-law finally needs me, I will go care for her. She’s a wonderful human being and I’ll gladly put my life on hold for her.
(Maybe I need a therapist and not CC. Sorry for hijacking the thread so badly.)
Welcome @heidekraut! Hoping this is the right spot for you! 
No flaming from me.
Not that there is anything ‘wrong’ with you, but have you tried therapy for ‘family of origin’ issues (FOO)? I would look for someone good and well-versed in that topic, and empathetic. That way you have a neutral sounding board. FOO problems trigger (sometimes hostile) reactions in friends/people you know. We all sort of operate from our own paradigm which may or may not be the same as yours.
One way I usually look at this issue is how I would want my own kids to handle their lives down the road as adults with families/commitments of their own. I would not want them to sacrifice their lives for me. We have a very good relationship (thankfully) and even so . . . no.
Would I let my parents or in-laws live in the streets starving? No. But I’m not going to set myself on fire to keep them warm either. There is a middle road in there somewhere. You have a right to your own life and needs imho. We all do. As in most things there is balance (though finding it is easier said than done often times).
Sending you good vibes and hoping that you find peace and clarity on this issue.
@heidekraut I feel terrible for you, having parents that were in many ways unfit.
They are doing dumb stuff financially - reverse mortgage has them stuck in that home and is a poor product. Leased car(s) - spending money they don’t have. I guess they don’t really want to listen to anyone.
They may be too proud/stubborn to ever ask for help, advice. One may pass, and the other may decide not to stay in the home. However unless pension, social security, other assets can help other move into more friendly spot for aged person…
Sounds like a wait and see.
IMHO not asking if you wanted to buy any of the items before selling/auctioning - that shows a real depth of not having a healthy family connection by your parents.
Take care of today. Sometimes can plan for the future, but worrying about it is nonproductive.
Remember that you can’t force your parents to do anything and from what you have written, it sounds like they are going to have to live with the consequences of their choices and really there isn’t much you can do about it. You are too far away to solve their problems anyway, so please do not stress about it. They are not asking for help and there is no help you can give since they would not be receptive to it.
And you’ll not get any flaming from me.
'No flaming here.
Frankly, if they treated you badly, and they’re doing what they want (even if poor choices), let them live with the issues.
At some point, they may realize that while they can’t afford a garage, maybe they can afford a car port.
Or…maybe they should get rid of cars completely and just use Uber when rides needed.
@heidekraut, it really sounds like your parents are not leaving themselves or anyone any options in helping them. It also sounds like they were toxic parents–emotionally abusive and worse.
I’m glad you’ve received love from your in laws. It is painful to see increasingly frail elders (or anyone we know) in precarious situations, especially feeling we are watching a slow motion train wreck.
In the best of circumstances, aging is challenging for loved ones to help those needing increasingly more help. No flaming from me, just sadness for a very tough situation that sounds like it will only worsen over time.
Who here has resolved not to confide unpleasant physical problems to their kids/grand-kids? Just hoping I don’t get dementia where I don’t have control over that part of my brain. 
Few things drive me more crazy than that. Just a vent.
@HImom, @mom2collegekids, @bookreader, @SOSConcern and @SouthFloridaMom9, thank you all for the kind words and suggestions. The Mother’s Day phone call was weighing on me and when I saw the thread about where everyone wants to retire, all I could think of was how much I don’t want to have to retire to Maine to take care of my parents!
When I talk to my parents, I let them believe that everything is fine because what difference would it make. My choices are either do a my brother did and sever all contact or pretend we have a normal relationship. I don’t want to hurt them, so I’m not honest about my feelings. They were estranged from my brother for so long, and I know how painful it was for them. By some miracle he decided to call her yesterday - I think they hadn’t spoken since Thanksgiving. Because he called, I didn’t have to listen to them complain about how ungrateful and mean spirited he is. I don’t talk to my brother either, but it’s not because we’re angry with each other. We had a very long talk about our relationship at Thanksgiving. Lots of hugging, too. It’s just too painful for him to have contact with anyone in the family. He tries to avoid thinking about the family. I understand. And it makes it much easier on me when my parents ask about him. There’s nothing for me to say other than I’m sure he’s fine and just really busy.
I think today I just needed to know that at least someone out there didn’t think karma was going to bite me in the butt for not preparing to be a “dutiful daughter”. I’d never let my parents starve or freeze, but I know I can’t go and care for them. I’d be filled with so much resentment, I’d be a terrible caretaker anyway.
I’m just so happy that I’ve managed to raise my son to be a happy and well-adjusted person. (He arrived that way, so I can only take credit for not making a mess of it.) And we’ll take care to provide well enough for ourselves that he’ll never have to worry about our well-being as we age. This was one of the primary reasons I told him we wouldn’t spend more for college than what it would cost to go to a state school. I told him early and often and he’s always said he’s fine with that. He’s always wanted to go to Carolina, so it all worked out.
Thanks again for letting me get this off my chest. I feel much lighter now.
@heidekraut, my story is not the same as yours (which sounds ridiculous now that I type it; as Tolstoy said, Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way"), but I had very strong, negative feelings about my dad and stepmother, and complicated relationships with my brothers and the son of my stepmother. When one brother called me one day to say that he was done with them and they were my problem now, I took the burden over because it seemed that they were doomed if I did not. I did it very imperfectly (sometimes on the border of negligence) but every time I walked into their house (at least 2x/week after driving for an hour), I felt like I was going to be electrocuted, like there was some kind of me-killing electrical field under their roof.
What really helped me was an excellent therapist who helped me work through my history and used techniques that help people with PTSD. She really saved me.
My sympathy and empathy. I was so very grateful to have found this thread when I really needed it, and I am glad you’ve already found some relief.
Thanks @oldmom4896.
My aunt cared for several aging relatives and found it exhausting and vowed never to be a burden herself. She sold her very nice home and lived in a retirement community while she was fully functional and driving and involved in the community.
She said the tough thing was seeing folks in the community worsen and die ever time. She helped some with errands and taxes and Medicare and insurance.
She did pretty well healthwise until the last 12-18 months of her life when she was finally diagnosed with lung cancer.
I don’t know–perhaps if I am a widow someday living alone I may consider retirement community. At this point, I think I’d find it incredibly depressing. On the other hand, it’s not good to move too late, so it’s hard to adjust. At least we and our two neighbors plan to age in place where we are all living. We have good weather and no stairs.
We had dinner with friends, and he is an only child to an 82 YO widow whose health is declining. She had a neighbor that actually considered delaying moving closer to her family to look out for this lady. Now that is a wonderful neighbor! But the son said, go forward with your life. He had to bring mom from TX because she needed medical interventions; after hospitalization, she is in rehab but not progressing. Son arranged to have a long lunch every day so he can visit her at rehab. Now they have to plan the next step - she needs too much care to have care affordably come into the home. Declining mental function too. This couple also has a HS son who is not achieving (no effort given, he is smart enough) - they had him at a military type school but there were issues there. Dad said he is not going to worry about son’s academics more than son does.
Yikes on the stress level with our friends. Dad has a PhD and mom is professional with lots of professional certifications. They know son is blowing his opportunities in HS, and wonder if and when he will turn around.