@wheatonmom They are independent living at a CCRC. Currently, I am paying for aides 4 hours/day.
Update: I just talked with the social worker where my husband works at a major medical center. She tells us there are no well run memory care facilities in my area. Plus, she said it is problematic (in our area) for a couple to move in together. I do know I need to keep my parents together. So it looks like, for now, aides for as much and how long we need it. Perhaps placement for my dad in the long term care facility on their campus in the next year. He seems to be declining fast.
I was just on Zillow looking for real estate that would accommodate my parents, myself, and DH though I didn’t tell DH yet.
What about Board & care?
Yes @somemom, that is one option I’m planning on looking into. I plan to ask about it at the Alzheimer’s support group
Both MIL & FIL had memory issues and liked the small homey atmosphere of the B&C, however, neither of them was mobile, if you have a wanderer on your hands, that might take a very special place.
There have been two couples at my Dads Memory Care. One couple fought a lot. The woman was very mobile but also very crazy. Eventually she was too much for them to handle so she got moved somewhere else and the man stayed and moved into a smaller room. The second couple is adorable and spend a lot of time together.
I think my parents would be the adorable ones. @somemom I found a board and care home 1/2 mile from my house! I’m going over to check it out this week. They tell me they have a semi private room that just became available. They were hoping for couple occupants. They don’t wander now, but I am sure, my dad will if my mom wasn’t around. She is the only familiar thing he recognizes.
Glad to hear it, @GTalum. Hope that you think it is a fit for your parents. Could be the best of all worlds.
Oh wow, I really hope that works out @GTalum!
Fingers crossed for you @GTalum
Wow, just visited a wonderful family care home 1/2 mile from my house. It is the way all elder care should be delivered. and a 3:1 ratio. The director, an RN, certainly demands quality of care as opposed to quantity. It looks like a good option as I continually to come up with issues with the personal care services at their CCRC. Even if I don’t end up placing my parents there, I am glad places like that exist for care of our elderly.
I am meeting with an elder care consultant on Monday. I want to talk to her before any decisions are made.
@GTalum- you are making great progress and your thoroughness will pay off. Your parents are lucky to have you in their corner. Sounds like a great place. It is hard to coordinate a cast of caregivers.
I also met with a geriatric care social worker/consultant before my parents committed to their comprehensive elder care facility near me. We could proceed with confidence once she confirmed our impressions. That was 13 years ago. My mother lived there for 16 months, my father for over 12 years. Best decision ever to have them nearby. .We had a lot of good times, with peace of mind.
As a general thought, geriatric care consultants can also help by providing an assessment of how parents’ needs are likely to play out over time and what level of care to seek when. Of course all situations are different and there are no crystal balls, but avoiding attempts to settle elders in a situation they have almost “outgrown” can make a huge difference.
All the best. Helpful to share the steps you are taking.
Thanks @travelnut Thoroughly researching and leaving “no stone unturned” is a sometimes annoying personality trait. Knowing all my options and making a spread sheet of cost per option today has been therapeutic.
Just settled their credit card bill (finally after multiple faxing of poa papers). Cards now confiscated and destroyed.
A note about cash on hand: If your parent or other elderly/sick loved one has very little cash on hand, either actual cash or in a savings account, and especially if they depend on a reverse mortgage or HELOC, the executor will be screwed once they pass.
When I was handling my father’s finances, I wanted to keep his HELOC as low as possible, but that was a mistake. The “six month rule” that regular folks are supposed to use should have been in play. Only by mere chance is there enough to pay the bills to keep the house until we sell it.
Until we lucked into another source of funding, there was a real chance of foreclosure due to lack of payment of the mortgage, because the estate can’t draw a reverse mortgage or from a HELOC. The other option was that I paid the taxes and HELOC costs myself. At least if he had a reverse mortgage, there would not be a monthly payment but because it was a HELOC, there is.
If anyone has any experience selling their parents’ or other property “as is”, I’d like to hear about it. I’m getting people contacting me about that, but if the risk is more than 10% of the expected sale price, I can’t see it being worth it. I think I can put 5% of the expected sales price into it and end up 5% up.
We got literally a hundred solicitations to purchase my MIL house, starting about a week after she died. It was creepy. The mailings have continued thru today, two and a half years after she passed and a year after we sold the house.
I visited my Dad at his Memory Care yesterday. I used to go three times a week, but all he wants to talk about is moving, so I have gone down to two times a week. Dad has a new girlfriend. It is beyond comprehension how anyone would be interested in a guy that wears crocs, doesn’t shave and only showers about once a month. But it seems he is quite popular. I guess the ratio of women to men is in his favor. The facility wouldn’t allow a relationship with his last girlfriend (he is 80 she is 94) because they felt she couldn’t consent. But evidently this one is a little more with-it and lively so they are allowing it, so far. I am hoping this will decrease the constant “when am I moving” conversation. We have been told just to go along with it, since rationalizing with a person with dementia is not possible. But it is really hard sometimes.
My MIL has been unceremoniously dumped back at her home by the SIL who was holding her hostage. Not even kidding. So, she was treated in the hospital for a few days and is now in a nursing home. When we had last seen her 9 months ago, she had mild dementia and was physically weak, but somewhat able to communicate. Now, she is mostly out of it. She is unable to eat solid food due to swallowing issues and is in full dementia. She’s also blind and paralyzed except for her right arm. She has a history of bleeding strokes, and I suspect she has had one recently. My DH and his siblings are devastated to have mom back, and yet she’s barely there. The nursing home doctor has already asked for the living will (which she has) because if she continues to not eat, decisions will have to be made. She is on a thickened liquid diet.
I have read with sympathy the stories some of you have told about challenges in helping your parents through this process. I am interested in hearing where we may be heading.
I hope her living will says to let her go easily, juniebug. I haven’t been where you are, but slipping away is not the worst thing for someone who can’t do all those things.
From what I read, probably your SIL will be a problem going forward. My sympathy is all I have to offer. Hugs.
Thanks, @esobay. Unfortunately, vital signs are good and her mind is all but gone. How long can she live this way? I would hate this for myself. Apparently, her living will states no feeding tube or antibiotics.
SIL isn’t going to be a problem much longer. We have an open case of elder abuse and financial exploitation with a corporation for aging and they are filing an emergency petition for guardianship next week. It’s a mess, but at least mom is safe now.
So sorry to hear about your mother-in-law. I can tell you from my own experience that once Alzheimer’s patients stop eating it could be a matter of days to short weeks. My MIL also specified no feeding tube/antibiotics. I strongly suggest that you get hospice involved to evaluate her. They will be a significant support and comfort to her and to the family. Often times doctors wait too long to recommend that intervention. The hospice nurses can keep her comfortable and will be much more attentive than just having the facility nurses take care of her . The nurses were a godsend to us in a similar situation with my mother-in-law.