So sorry @juniebug that your MIL is in such bad shape. It is all about the eating. If she is not eating, it will be a short time. If she is eating thickened liquids, probably much longer.
Is she not eating or just on a modified diet? My mother has been in a nursing home for 10 years with a swallowing problem. She’s on pureed food and thickened liquids. She’s lost some weight over that time but her heart is strong. Her mind not so much. Her dementia is much worse than it was ten years ago.
I thought she was a little more responsive last week in the hospital, and we saw her eating soft food. She seems worse now. She must be hand fed, as she has no ability to feed herself. Nurses say she eats some meals but not others. I wonder if it depends on her level of awareness. She literally lays in bed with her mouth agape and stares off in the distance. This is so disturbing to see. I will bring up the subject of hospice if there’s no improvement eventually. I don’t think DH is quite ready to let his thoughts go there yet. She has rallied in the past.
so sorry @juniebug 
I’m sorry, too.
But hospice is a resource. If she turns around, the support plan can change. It’s not just about the last days.
I have been trying to read the whole thread, but obviously it is difficult; I can read a few pages at a time. But I told my daughter that I feel like I have found “my people”.
Ten or so years ago, my husband and I built a home with an apartment for my mother, who was living in her own condo and was basically independent. She voluntarily handed me her car keys when we moved in, because she has absolutely NO sense of direction, and she hated driving anyway. She and I went grocery shopping every week, and did other fun things; my daughter and her family built a new home and moved in across the street from us. A week after we moved in our home, my son died from congestive heart failure, so we didn’t get a good start, but we managed. A year and a half after we moved in, my husband was diagnosed with cancer of the bile ducts and lived six weeks after diagnosis. He owned a business, his son was his partner and was supposed to buy out my 51%; that didn’t happen, we spent a year and a half going back and forth with attorneys before I forced him to let me buy him out. So now I work full time after being a housewife for 25 years (luckily, I had worked with my husband for 10 years when we first got married, so I had some clue on what is going on).
My mother is 96, almost 97, and is deep in senile dementia. She is capable enough, can get dressed in the morning (and always, always makes her bed) and eat her cereal. She recently “forgot” to fix her cereal, so now we have to pour a bowl and sit it out overnight so she can pour milk over it. If we would let her, she would ‘forget’ how to pour the milk. I say "we’, I am so fortunate in having a companion for her five days a week who we have known for 20-odd years. She is a close friend and loves Mom to death, is patient with her but doesn’t allow Mom to bully her.
Mom would much prefer to be with my brother, period. He managed to be put as joint owner on her bank accounts several years ago, and proceeded to live the good life; I would beg him to stop, he would promise, and still write checks. Once I trapped him when he was visiting Mom once (he lives 200 miles away) and we went to the bank and put me as another joint owner so I could see what was going on. I told him if he wrote one more check I would prosecute him for Elder Abuse, and that stopped him, finally. Now he has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and is probably worse off than she is, but that’s his daughter’s and his wife’s problem.
But my mother is sucking the life out of me. I go to work five days a week, the very second I set foot in my house she is coming up with things she “needs help with”. She tries to call my brother using the television remote, which changes the television channel and she doesn’t understand why. She fully expects my brother to pop up on the television screen, for some unknown reason. I think I just need to whine to people who understand why I am whining; Mom can afford to pay for her companion/aide, and I could get weekend help if I wanted to. But I am an introvert and so is Mom, the idea of constantly having a stranger in the house sends me screaming. Her aide will move in for a few days if/when I need to just get away, and I try to do that a couple of times a year.
I had a rough time getting the business back in a steady direction after my step-son sucked the funds out of it, and the two managers I had hired proved totally worthless. But all of that is stable now and I have great operations managers who are devoted. I just need to be there to put any fires out before they flame up.
Sorry to be so long-winded! I send up prayers for everybody as I read the posts, we are all in a bad position.
@mykidsgranny , That was a LOT to handle and to not have a break is really really hard.
Venting here is really a relief since we know. Sometimes sharing ideas makes you make a move (like getting weekend away) that is really really necessary.
Don’t kill yourself doing for her is one thing I’d remind you about.
Wow. That’s A LOT to handle indeed. I hope you carve out some time for yourself - for activities you enjoy - time away from work and your mother. Have you considered moving her out of your home and into memory care? I wonder if that would be better for you.
Mykidsgranny-hugs to you. You have been dealt some serious life challenges.
I posted a couple of times here about my mil. She died suddenly on 07/04 and I think this group would understand that it was a relief to some of us.
@mykidsgranny Wow, so much to deal with and so many losses [[[hugs]]]
But, it doesn’t seem like your mother sucking the life out of you is a good option. Would a weekend aid need to spend time at your house? Would you need to interact? My parents are introverts and I recently told them they really needed to do things they didn’t like such as have aides for more hours or move to this family care home I found.
We are all here to help you explore options if you don’t, just to vent.
I’m so resistant to this idea . . . perhaps too much. I just feel like we don’t have kids to do this to them, and we shouldn’t let our parents do this to us. Sorry you’re going through this @mykidsgranny.
It sounds like things worked ok with your mom at your house for awhile, but now they’ve gotten out of hand. You really are entitled to a life that involves more than 2 jobs (your work and your mom).
Isn’t it ironic that she wants your brother - the one who was taking from her? It’s a dynamic I have noticed several times in my own little corner of the world.
Anyway, glad you can vent here. Hope things get better for you.
Is she still in the apt you built for her? Would having a weekend aide care for her in the apt offer you the private downtime you need? You said she’s an introvert, but things are working with the week-time aide, right?
It’s a delicate issue. But one thing we’ve repeated here is the airplane advice to put your own oxygen mask first.
She is still in the apt we built for her; it joins my house through the hallway. She has known the week-day aide for 20+ years and until last year she got livid every time I mentioned having E. stay with her. Then I manage a two-week cruise and left her with E; E babied her so much that she was perfectly happy to have her come three days a week. A few weeks ago, we upped it to five days. I honestly don’t know how much of her actions are real and how much is manipulation. The problem with having a weekend aide is that there is no way to lock off her apartment, and she really doesn’t need somebody right there on top of her. E. stays in my part of the house quite a bit, finding little chores to do, and checks on Mom frequently. I have a ton of valuable stuff in my house, and I dread having to lock everything up to keep it safe. If it gets to that point, I will have to do it. I’m just spoiled to having things my way, I guess.
I am honestly afraid that if I remove her from my house, she won’t survive. She has major problems finding words for what she wants to say, and E & I are really good at guessing what it is. If she gets to the point that she isn’t mobil, I will have to take other steps.
@mykidsgranny - what would you want your daughter to do if she was in your shoes?
I mean this kindly and at a point did need to say it to my bff.
You care. That’s obvious. You’ve been trying your best for a long time. But now, your mother isn’t able to manage or make solid decisions and is at risk. She needs someone to watch her. Her preferences (eg, no aide) are not be in her best interests. And you’re exhausted. So this isn’t working for you. No matter how much you wish it could be, it may not be in your best interests.
I think many posters here can share the compromises and work-arounds they had to implement. It really is ok to love someone, but reevaluate how to make this work for all- really, for the primary oversight person, meaning you. (You haven’t mentioned that your daughter or her family help.)
We’ve seen, through this long thread, that primarily condidering only the wants of our elderly relatives, especially those whose rational side is diminished, can be Herculean. It can take a village. And that’s ok.
Hugs.
Very well-stated @lookingforward.
I can relate to mykidsgranny as my mother has been with us for many years and is still ok, but definitely more fragile worse vision, mentally going downhill. For all the years it has been very difficult to find people that she and I trust to stay with her. Siblings, kids, etc. just don’t seem to work out well. My nearby DD has been a champion these last few years as we dealt with in laws dying and the need to be gone a lot, but I can tell, DD is maxed out on Grandma.
It’s funny, too. My mother is a real sweetie, but staying with her or having her at your house, she becomes incredibly annoying in little tiny ways that wear on people.
I need to find a trusted person who can stay in my home when I go places, but despite reasonable attempts, nothing has worked out, yet.
Emotions are complicated, finances are complicated, life is complicated. I told my sister the other day, if I knew how long this journey would last, I could better decide what I can handle and not. If it’s a year, that’s one thing, if it’s 5 more years, that’s another.
@mykidsgranny Your mom seems to be in a similar place to my parents. My dad has significant aphasia (not able to find words and frequently speaks in a word salad) in addition to poor memory and increasing periods of total disorientation and agitation between 3-5. Mom has no memory past several seconds. They don’t need someone on top of them all the time but need a brain. It’s my job to help find the care they need and be their daughter, not the caretaker. They made it clear to me when they were cognitively healthy they didn’t want me in that role. They are grateful and reassured that I manage the finances and care.
They have complained about having an aid but they don’t remember the aid (“No, nobody has come over”) who is coming 4 hours a day. When I increase services, or move them to the personal care home near me, they won’t want it. But, I told them, because they forget how to do most things, they will have to do things they don’t want. It’s really not a negotiation. My dad is 2-3 and mom is 5. They are not able to make the decision.
My dad was acting dependent when he wasn’t, when the only thing wrong with him was having to use a walker (and getting by without it sometimes). He would ask my children to get things for him, when he should have been using the walker and moving around - as he did when we weren’t there.
I know my state does have some respite care services available, like this:
https://archrespite.org/respite-locator-service-state-information/164-new-york-info
which can at least give caregivers a break. I have a friend who is involved with animal rescue - she took in so many animals, and so many that were sick, she could never go on vacation or even get a day’s rest 
I appreciate many folks think “letting people slip away” and “no artificial feeding etc.” seems like the way to go, but hopefully your loved ones wrote down their wishes. If we let that happen, we would not be prosecuting an elder abuse case - only because he survived so long after the neglect can we prove there was neglect. And I know many people with disabilities who would have died or been permanently injured if they did not have artificial feeding or breathing help.
About the only advice I can give is to be realistic - if someone can’t take care of themselves, they need someone to take care of them. If the family cannot handle it, it’s not their job to suffer through it anyway. It is a personal decision to have your parent(s) live with you, and if you can’t take it, that will help no one if your health or welfare suffers.
My mother is back to a less clingy attitude for the last few days. As long as I have a place to vent, whine and complain, I’ll be fine. She can very well afford to pay her aide and anything else she needs; I fully support her other than hee prescription co-pays and the little bit of groceries her aide picks up. Mom insists on paying for those.
She has severe spinal stenosis but willingly walks with a walker. Years ago she drew up a POA, giving my brother and me joint power together or separately. I dragged her to the bank and have put her funds into CD’s with POD directives. Her bank has accepted my POA. She had told me that everything was split in her will, but I saw it recently and almost 100% is to go to him. With his Alzheimer’s, I’m not sure how that will play, plus we are named as co-executors. I have very good attorneys, one of which is an estate attorney.
I have thought ahead and have just about everything lined up. It’s hard to stay patient and cheerful when she makes it so very clear (and has for years) that my brother is the Golden Child. When he was robbing her blind, she was fully aware and willing, but was already unable to comprehend (or they both assumed that when he spent all of hers, then they could start on mine).
If and when it gets to be too much for me, I will take steps.