junie, I’m sorry for your loss and the coming issues dealing with your SIL’s deeds.
@juniebug, so sorry for your loss. I’m sure your mom was aware at some level of your living presence and that of other loved ones. Wishing you strength as you move forward.
@juniebug, sending condolences from afar and energy to help what comes in the future hugs.
So sorry @juniebug. I ca’t imagine how difficult this is for your husband and siblings.
Hugs @junie_bug - try to be as supportive in all the right ways, and do the best you can through it all for H and his other siblings. Your SIL - however things get handled going forward, someone with a firm hand can hopefully deal with her.
I ended up telling my dad about the death of his friend. He asked if it was his heart and I said yes. He did remember that he was having surgery. He wasn’t overwhelmingly sad, but he did say that was too bad because he was his best buddy. I asked him if he wants to go to the service and he said he didn’t know. We will see if he remembers when I go to see him tomorrow.
My former boss suffers from dementia, and his sweet wife had died. He did remember me at the service (he has been retired for many years and was either in assisted living or skilled care at the time). So if able to get dad to any of the friend’s services (or maybe just for the visitation) it may work out.
Favorite uncle can’t quite remember his wife died (fav aunt.) He asks very often, but he’s good natured about it, not depressed in his dementia. That may be key, a clue how one may take bad news.
My mother has been having better days lately, but yesterday wasn’t so good. She usually gets up really early, gets dressed, makes her bed and goes to the couch to go back to sleep. Some time during that period, her glasses slipped down between the couch cushions and she was sure they were forever lost! We simply had no choice but to “go to the store and buy another pair of glasses”. I was getting ready for church, she has a spare pair of glasses, so I told her I would find them when I got home. Which I did, and she was amazed because she had searched everywhere. She had a badly upset stomach all day, and there was nothing on television to watch, so she found lots of little things that I needed to do. But I am forcing myself to have more patience with her and that is lessening my stress. She wasn’t the world’s most patient mother when I was growing up, and it’s hard not to turn the tables on her. She “forgot” how to turn the television on a few times, but I made her turn it on because once you do something like that, you own it. Again, I just have to remember patience.
^^ I’ve been struggling with patience, too. I’m trying so hard to have mom do things for herself, but since she can’t remember each step, I have to keep prompting her and it takes forever. She’ll also have a few days in a row where she seems to have re-remembered something - like standing to pull up pants. Then the next day, she again sits there with pants mid-thigh, bewildered by how to get pants all the way up.
Have to definitely know own strengths and weaknesses, and how to work around all the issues to handle most effectively/efficiently. Patience is a virtue for sure.
I am having a really hard time watching my mother’s mental decline, which seems to be happening on an expedited basis. As recently as 4 months ago she could write her checks and balance her checkbook, as well as keep her calendar and appointments straight. Today she called me 6 times in about 30 minutes to confirm the same information…which she could not recall or retain for more than a few minutes. She lives alone in a 2BR apartment,but my sister is going next week to try and convince her to move closer to one sister and into a CCRC. At this point I don’t even know if she’d qualify for independent living, but a friend of mine told me she had a completely cogent conversation with her about world affairs when she was here last week for my S’s engagement party. I’m sort of on the edge right now with this and wedding plans…on the edge as in on the verge of tears, all the time. My mom spent 41/2 years taking care of my dad after a massive stroke, and after he died 21/2 years ago, she seems to rally - we traveled together to Europe for a river cruise. However, since she approached and turned 85 this past May, I see a very rapid decline and pretty severe depression. My sister is taking her to the doctor next week and will discuss increasing the anti-deppresants as well as looking for something that could have caused such a rapid decline, other than age, of course.
We tried some antianxiety meds last year for Mom and she did not do well on then, she felt and acted weird, weirder than normal 
We haven’t said this in a while, but ask the doc to check for a UTI. Anti-depressants sometimes need to be reevaluated, maybe changed or an enhancer added, not just increased. I don’t know how that works for the elderly. Do you think living alone contributes to the depression? Or delayed grief about losing your Dad?
I think both, big time. But checking for a UTI is good advice that I have often seen but had forgotten. Thank you. She’s been on a very low dose anti-depressant since my dad’s stroke and I do think the meds need to be reevaluated.
So sorry, @runnersmom. That is a lot to sort out at any time, never mind when you are anticipating a wedding.
All those symptoms can arise from a variety of potentially overlapping causes, making a thorough look important. In addition to UTIs, medication side effects and interactions can be amplified in elders. I know the grief of parents leaving bit by bit. Wishing you and your mother all the best with these setbacks.
So sorry @runnersmom, A sudden change like that should be evaluated by a doctor. We have to be careful not to ascribe such changes to “just age”, as they aren’t normal, even with the elderly. It is hard, if you are from a distance, to notice small changes that have been going on in the setting of dementia. Visitors often catch their elder on good days. My parents rally with a visit from a relative they rarely see.
I decided to move my parents from their CCRC 30 minutes away to a personal care home 1 mile away. It was a hard decision as they will need to give up their cats and I am leaving behind the CCRC benefit of “half priced” nursing home care. But, at the personal care home, if one needed more care, he/she would not need to be moved to another facility.
Plus it’s a mile away from me! It has been requiring a lot of extra effort on myself and DH to make sure my parent’s were getting their needs met at their independent living portion of the CCRC. They don’t really have an assisted living part, just home care when needed and my parents have someone 4 hours a day. I have not found it is optimal. One time I showed up unannounced and the CNA wasn’t there. The pill box for my mom (just one medication) shows she is not taking her medication and I have not been able to restart dad’s dementia medication that I took him off of due to inconsistent use. It seems the aids aren’t any better than they are with remembering medication. Plus, I was looking for some sort of memory care program in the home, not just someone to come in and help with lunch.
Hopefully, I am making the right decision.
I think, many times, the important thing is a decision, less whether it’s optimal. This move will make it much easier on you, GT. You may still need to find the right balance for you, but they’re closer.
My MIL was a champ at masking her dementia, her basic social skills that strong. In ways, it was “smile and nod.” She could insert some comment that made it seem she was aware.
I want to add this about grief, itself, in a person who otherwise seems to be coping, moving on, managing. After the initial loss, others tend not to discuss (or acknowledge) it. Then, they seem to think that because it’s not said, it doesn’t need to be. After a long life with a spouse, it does. A few words about Dad or Mom, something happy, some touch, can go a long way.
@lookingforward, I do think some of her depression is attributed to the circumstances you describe. In the first 18 months after he died, she was focused on putting her life back in place. She had been his full time 24/7 caregiver for almost 5 years, and she needed to remember how to take care of herself. Now, almost a year past that, with family events such as my niece’s Bat Mitzvah and my S’s wedding approaching (the first grandchild of 8 to be married), I think his absence is glaring. We do talk about him, and remember him as he was, before the stroke. But with a move from the place they last lived together imminent, I think emotions are coming to the surface that she had avoided for a long time.
She is still sufficiently competent that we will not be able to direct her to a place to live, only present the options and lobby hard for what we think is right. The key is to get her closer to my sister, and that will be accomplished. She’s about 20 minutes away now (but across a bridge, if you know the Buffalo/Niagara Falls area) and the places she’s considering are like 5-8 minutes away and no highways or bridges. That alone will allow my sister and her kids to spend more time with her.
She has a doctor’s appointment on Monday and our middle sister is going with her. Hopefully we can investigate anything organic that might be going on, evaluate her meds, and see if we can stave this off just a bit longer.
With my mom, it seems like she gets more depressed when her body slows down - after a hospitalization, or when her heart medicine needs to be adjusted. Once her physical situation improves, her emotional situation improves. Fortunately she is very attuned to changes in her health, and she keeps calling the doctors (or going to PT/OT) until she actually feels better, not just until they do something for her. She just started some chair exercises now that her latest PT has ended, just so she can stay active. By which I mean walk to the dining room from her apartment without stopping to rest.